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Original poster

Would you confront a friend who ghosted you?

125 replies

Enfys1982 · 13/05/2023 16:10

I think I’ve been ghosted by a friend and I can’t figure out why? We never argued or fell out, everything was fine then suddenly about a year ago for no apparent reason she started to contact me less and less and then just stopped responding to my texts altogether. She appears to have blocked me on What’s App and her phone number says it’s no longer recognised when I call. For a while I wondered if something awful has happened to her, and as she didn’t do social media so I couldn’t find her that way. Recently I was wondering about her again and typed her name and home town into Facebook and there she is. It’s definitely her. A newish account she only recently set up. She has her settings so only friends of friends can’t add her, but anyone can message her.

Anyway I really want to message her and ask her what I ever did to cause her to cut me off the way she did and if she knew how upsetting that has been for me. I honestly can’t ever imagine doing anything like that to a friend. I know some times friends drift apart but this is different. I feel like I need some kind of closure to try and understand why?

OP posts:
Laiste · 13/05/2023 17:10

I've been a ghoster and a ... ghostee?

I was the ghoster to a very old friend because we'd grown so so far apart and then she'd been an awful friend to me when i was - the one and only time - finally the one who was in need. I didn't actually want to resolve our issues. I just wanted out in the most painless way possible. A long tangled story come to a peaceful end.

A few years i was ghosted. It was weird and strange and honestly i have no idea why. Like a previous poster at one point we re-engaged and she made passionate speeches about how much she'd missed me (we live in the same village Confused) and we made mutual promises not to lose touch again ect ect (even though we hadn't ''lost touch'', she just stopped replying) but lo and behold it's gone the same way again. She rarely posts on her FB page any more (not blocked me) and a few bits and pieces gone on with her grown up kids (heard on grapevine) so i wonder if she's just had a bit of a life crisis and wants peace and space.

If my ghosted friend started wanting explanations it would be incredibly awkward.

OhComeOn123 · 13/05/2023 17:12

No. Keep your dignity

WhatsitAlfie · 13/05/2023 17:16

A friend of mine had very bigoted views about lots of things and a her political persuasion began to rile me...we grew apart, hints were not taken and I dreaded her long calls. Not her fault, not a bad person per se, but I felt bad about my feelings towards her. She still tries to contact me and guilt trips me..let it go

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namechange1986 · 13/05/2023 17:17

I ghosted friends recently, because I didn't like how they spoke about the breakdown of my marriage. Joking about 'getting back in the saddle etc'. You may have said something accidentally hurtful, or it might be absolutely nothing you've done.

Just leave them to it and try to move on. People are odd sometimes try not to dwell on it. Flowers

weebleswobblebuttheydontfalldown · 13/05/2023 17:21

If people want you in their lives they will keep in contact - and if they don't for whatever reason they won't. It's a fact of life. Sometimes I get so busy and caught up in stuff at home etc that some friendships drift but it's not a deliberate thing. It's happened to me at times. I just assume they have become caught up in other stuff as I have been. I don't think it's worth asking - you can't force friends and by saying something confronting you will likely give them more reason to ghost / block you

Fourpeasinapodcast · 13/05/2023 17:31

Fourpeasinapodcast · 13/05/2023 16:52

From someone who has been on the receiving end of someone tracking me down to ask why...leave her alone. She doesn't want contact with you, she has no interest in keeping in touch. She wants out and that is her prerogative. The reasons are her own. Respect that and move on.

I just want to be clear here that I am talking about my reason which may not be the same as why your friend ghosted you.

I realised I just didn't like her. I had known her forever, since my teens so felt I had to stay friendly with her but she was a grabby, fair weathered friend and I just had enough one day and cut her off. Delighted I did now, my life is better for not having her selfish self in it. All take and no give. No thanks.

MargaretThursday · 13/05/2023 17:41

If she's set up a new account and things like that it sounds like there's a problem at her end and nothing to do with you.

I'd leave it. She knows where you are, and if there's a reason she's tried to go incognito except for a very few people then she could be creeped out if you contact her.

CheeseTouch · 13/05/2023 17:46

I would send a quick message. Something could have happened in her life.

anunlikelyseahorse · 13/05/2023 17:52

No, I'd leave it, for whatever reason, she's not wanting to contact you. She may be struggling with things and hasn't got the energy to message you at the moment, or maybe she's ended the friendship. Either way, walk away.

Gothambutnotahamster · 13/05/2023 17:52

I would have to at least ask the question. If she doesn't answer, then at least you know you've tried and hopefully whilst not exactly closure, it should allow you to move on and not think about her again.

BadgeronaMoped · 13/05/2023 17:56

I've known two women who serially do this to people. It's very strange and I suspect you won't get any answers. I remember one fabricated stories about ex-friends, when she ghosted me I let it go, thinking "what a fucking nutcase".

Blip · 13/05/2023 18:04

It can be very painful to be ghosted OP and he's to deal with the lack of closure.

The ghoster has shown you who they really are, if you invite them back into your life odds are they will do it again.
It's hugely disrespectful to ghost someone and the person probably has an avoidant attachment style.

You will have space in your life without them to find better people to be friends with.

knottsberryfarm · 13/05/2023 18:04

@ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse I had that exact situation.

Tried to let a friendship fizzle out and in the end just ghosted the person . Unfortunately I still get birthday cards and Christmas cards telling me how much she misses me. This was 7 years ago btw. Showed up at the house on my big birthday when I hadn't seen her for 5 years . Luckily I was not at home.

You say in you op she started to contact you less and less, she was trying to let the friendship fade and you did not pick up on it probably.

Boysmum92 · 13/05/2023 18:04

No, dont waste anymore of your time, energy or emotions on this person who has shown that she doesnt care about you x

IncompleteSenten · 13/05/2023 18:05

I wouldn't. I'd just forget about her.

Mary46 · 13/05/2023 18:09

Sometimes things fizzle out. I had with a school mam good friends. Think just busy and different life stages too. Its hurtful yes.. I just accepted it.

ThimbleThimble · 13/05/2023 18:29

I ghosted an emotional vampire. Couldn't hack the neediness. The more I gave to the friendship the more she took. I got sick of giving the same advice which was routinely ignored. Then I heard she was making up shit about the state of my marriage. Enough was enough.

She chased several times me for a reason and I just avoided her because anything I said she would have twisted. There was just no point. Anything I'd have said she'd have made herself the victim. I feel guilty for doing it but she was draining me. The gossiping about my marriage was the nail in the coffin.

Blip · 13/05/2023 18:38

I think ghosting is a cowardly way to behave.

JustDanceAddict · 13/05/2023 18:41

I bumped into a friend a good few years after she ghosted me - way before SM was a ‘thing’ so at that time there wasn’t a way of finding her. When we accidentally met up she was so friendly but I didn’t ask what happened and we were with our families so would’ve been awkward. It’s the only friendship I’ve been really upset about losing - we were drifting a bit but I would’ve kept the friendship going even just by text or eventually SM. Oh well…

JustDanceAddict · 13/05/2023 18:42

Mary46 · 13/05/2023 18:09

Sometimes things fizzle out. I had with a school mam good friends. Think just busy and different life stages too. Its hurtful yes.. I just accepted it.

That’s b different from ghosting which is more one minute it’s a proper friendship and the next the person has blocked you on WhatsApp/SM etc

CheeseTouch · 13/05/2023 18:47

I didn’t hear from a friend for ages, and she disappeared off social media, changed her no, and much later it transpired that she had been diagnosed with a serious mental health condition and had been really struggling, ashamed to contact anyone. So this is why I would say send one last short message to leave the onus on them.

Hi friend, I hope that you are okay. I haven’t heard from you in a while. You know how to get in touch with me if you need to. Xxx

Shadowworry · 13/05/2023 18:47

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 13/05/2023 17:01

The reason I ghosted my friend was that I had tried to let the friendship naturally fizzle and she wouldn't get the message. In the end I felt like I had two options: a) ghost b) tell her all the reasons I was absolutely done with the friendship. I didn't want to do b) because I felt like it wouldn't be helpful to her at all and because I knew that she couldn't change the way she was behaving.
If she had allowed the friendship to drift, there's a chance we might have drifted closer again later on when we were in the next phase of our lives but for her there seemed to be now allowable sliding scale between declaring I was her 'best friend' and nothing.

This I had a friend who was fine with me 1-2-1 but her posts were vile about anti vax and also she was beyond pro breast feeding. I could breast feed my first (before her) and my second was a nightmare - literally every specialist going. She was this pro breast feeding woman who wasn’t just breast feeding but pictures sent by text etc and I pointed out similar had given me severe pnd with my first as I felt I failed. She didn’t stop and didn’t see any offence.
I defriended her.
She sent me a text saying how upset she was - I hadn’t seen her in 7 years and don’t live near her and don’t interact outside SM - I readded her but did it so I couldn’t see her posts but it was truly pointless I did it again and removed her and she got her mum and sister to contact me.

it might not be you, it might be an opinion or indeed in another case - I didn’t want any of my exes friends on my Facebook list

Beachhutnut · 13/05/2023 19:03

Don't. If she wanted to tell you why she would have. She doesn't owe you an explanation. I ghosted a friend ( not close but part of a group) because she was just a rude person and I couldn't be bothered, and another because her mother was awful to a mutual friend and she did nothing, didn't even seem embarrassed. It may not be anything you have done, it could just be that you weren't as close as you thought. I was friends with a lot of people on social media. When I came off only a small percentage kept in touch but I would rather have a small select group that actually want to know me than loads who can't be bothered if it's any effort at all. You are best off without her.

Greenfairydust · 13/05/2023 19:05

I would leave it.

Unless you are concerned that something unusual could have happened to her (accident, illness).

If she simply ghosted you out of the blue she is not worth anymore of your time.

A friend of mine cut me off early this year after a 14 years of friendship. The only reason I could think of was that I could not run an errand for her. At the time I got Covid, was completing on the sale of my flat, and moving to a completely different town so I had my hands full and had to tell her I could not do what she had asked me to do (pick up some items from her flat).I was hurt at first but then realised she had just cut me off but then I started to realise that she was always a self-centred and judgemental person deep down and I had always bent over backwards to be accommodating which is the only really why the friendship had survived so long. Good riddance.

I would expect a grown adult, if I had something they were upset about, to communicate with me so we could at least try to sort it out.

People who ghost or give you the silent treatment are just manipulative cowards and are best avoided.

I would focus on making other friends. I also would not give that person another chance should she try to come back into your life in a few months...

Liftero · 13/05/2023 19:09

It doesn't really matter why she stopped the friendship though. It's clear that she doesn't want it to continue and even if she explained why, it will not bring the friendship back. You need to accept it's over and move on.

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