How you survive something truly terrible happening

[SneakEasy]

Hello. A friend of mine is going through something truly, truly terrible. She told me last night. I don't want to give further details, because it's not my business to share, but basically it's many people's worst nightmare (involving an awful impending loss).

She asked me: how do people DO this? How do people get through something this terrible? And I realised I just don't have any answers.

I'm sorry if this post churns anything up for anyone. I wondered what people would say to this.

(PS I am of course going to do everything I can to support my friend, although I do feel a bit clueless).

You just do. You don’t have a choice.

I lost my dh to cancer in July 21. From first becoming ill to him dying 3 months later. We were told he had days to live the day before our hospital wedding.

I don’t know what else to say really apart from my way of coping was to keep busy, and get out as much as I could but my mental and physical health took a nose dive.

might be a cliche but time in many ways does help.

sorry to hear that your friend is going through something awful

One tiny step at a time. Let her know she can always lean on you. I'm so sorry she's going through this

Slowly, slowly, slowly. And with lots of support.

I guess you just do get on with it and live in the moment as much as possible, sometimes with professional help where needed.

I imagine you are hinting at something like death of a child from a life limiting illness. Or a relative with a terrible disease. I don't think any of us can know how we'd react until that is upon us. Some people are natural copers and some fall to pieces. I guess you just dig deep and hang on for as long as necessary.

Some people never get over terrible experiences and it scars the rest of their life whilst others do manage to move on. I had an uncle who died of motor neurone disease and it was awful for his family. And an elderly family member who lost her only child to cancer at the age of 6. Her marriage ended due to it and she never had another long term relatioship or more children. But she made a new life for herself and in old age was a generally contented person.

I've had to deal with the suicide of someone very very close, and the murder of a friend who was also the sister of an ex-boyfriend (both when in my 20's). It was horrific at times and I had some counselling but sometime grief can strike even now, years later. But gradually a new normal sort of emerges for life after the terrible thing and it becomes part of you.

You sound like a caring friend. You can't fix it or solve it or make them feel better. Just be there to hold their hand, listen more than talk, and do whatever practical things may help.

One tiny step at a time even though you really don’t want to and it feels absolutely impossible. I didn’t/ don’t have a choice but to keep going because I have children who need me to. Some days you literally just keep breathing and cannot do anything else other than maybe make food for children and take them to school and pick them up, and that is how you get through the day. Eventually things become a little bit more manageable, at least for a bit, they might go back to feeling impossible again, but it will happen.

It's hard. If it is dealing with an unexpected loss due to an accident which was my situation, it's so so bloody hard to come to terms with. Nobody can fix it, all you can do is check in with them regularly, and take their cue for how much they want to talk about it.

You do it because there is no other way through something other than forwards. Tell her to treat it like "going on a bear hunt" there's some rough shit along the way but you have no choice but to go through it and once you've dealt with the scary bear getting home and comfortable in bed is the reward.

She can do it. She's got through every single one of her bad days to date and this is no different. Let her have moments of upset and grief, encourage her to have these as it's part of getting through it. Brave facing will not help.

One day at a time

I'll echo others. You just do. I am still here after losing a child because I have another child who needs their parents. She has to find something worth living for and one painful day at a time. Just be there for her when/if she wants you. She might not always want "solutions" and just need to offload.

Literally a day, hour, minute at a time.
One tiny task, one foot in front of the other.
Call in favours, accept offers of help, let standards slip- just get through as best as you until it stops hurting quite so much to breathe.

Hi OP. There’s no choice but to get through it. I remember a particular low point, with two immediate close members of family in hospital (one dying from cancer, the other gravely injured from a life changing road traffic accident) and I kept thinking “They say that these are the transformative moments that make a person… but I don’t want it, I don’t want any of it”. I remember being so angry that other people weren’t going through the same things I was. You just have to take it one day at a time. And sometimes that’s just one hour at a time, or a minute at a time. But crisis doesn’t continue forever and a person will adapt to finding new moments of calm.

This, absolutely.

I don't think this is wrong per se and I get the sentiment, but OP please don't 'tell' your friend to do anything and especially please don't compare a traumatic bereavement or similar to the sentiments expressed in a children's book, I think that has the potential to come across very trite. The fact is even other people who have been through something similar don't have advice or words that can really truly empathise or comfort and often the last thing someone in the midst of this kind of grief is what 'worked' for someone else because (a) each person's individual grief is so personal and unique, no-one else really understands and (b) there is no taking away that kind of pain (even if it lessens over time) and it can be very hurtful if other people say things that imply you can. So giving anything that could be construed as unsoliticted 'advice' is dicey territory IMO.

What can you do, be there for her both physically and emotionally, offer practical help if you can, always be available to talk both about the bereavement/loss if she wants to but also about other things, even if conversation feels superficial or repetetive at times. Resist the instinct to try and offer trite or hackneyed words of comfort, accept that some things are just beyond comfort. Don't be distant or drop out of contact even if you don't really know what to say or are afraid of offending, but equally if she wants to be left alone or with her immediate family for a while respect that. Talk about the person that has been lost, don't act as though they never existed (unless she tells you she prefers you to not), maybe mark special occasions e.g. their birthday with her if she wants you to. Understand that being a friend or family member of someone who has been through someone of this magnitude is not at all easy, people deep in grief are in no way fun to be around, they can be depressed, silent, angry, snappy, disinterested, selfish, uncaring and everything in between (I can say this as I've been all these things myself) - often what can happen with friendships is there is an outpouring of love and support in the immediate aftermath of the loss but gradually people drop more and more away as time goes by and the bereaved person still isn't 'normal' and the friends can't really offer/do/say anything which makes it better - it's almost like people subconsciously feel their love and support should be able to 'fix' the person which obviously can't be the case. I think this is also part of the reason why so many marriages/relationships break up in the wake of a traumatic loss (child loss or similar). It's a totally natural and understandable reaction, of course you want to be able to take away their pain but you basically need to accept your friend will be forever changed by what she's been through and gradually almost renegotiate the terms of your friendship/relationship in the months to come. Be kind to yourself too, even if it's not your loss directly you are still allowed to feel really sad and upset about what it means for your friend and you may go through a form of grief too. It's even OK to share your own sadness with your friend so long as it's not a limelight-hogging kind of way. I found it very weird when I had my loss that so few other people cried/expressed sadness around me, I think everyone was 'holding it together' for my sake and/or found it awkward to be in floods of tears or whatever when I was eerily calm but I really wasn't bothered, in fact I found a sort of comfort in knowing other people were grieving too (but that's just me)

for you, you sound a great friend so follow your instincts and I'm sure you can't do wrong.

I've lost my DH and more recently a DP. DH was expected. DP wasn't. Just need to get through a minute or hour at a time. It's horrifically painful at times but time does help. However, having felt this pain, I honestly think I could not keep going if anything happened to my DD, I really truly don't. I'd either have to be permanently sedated or take my life. That's the honest truth. I'm sorry your friend is going through this. You can only be there for her but really there are no words. X

Thank you all so much for posting. I'm so sorry for the things you are/have been going through which have given you experience in this.

I may or may not show my friend this thread at some point. But in the meantime, it's really helpful to hear in terms of how I can best try to offer support. I will try to be there day by day if she wants me to be, and to offer small things (like doing tasks/making a meal) which might help.

In my opinion and experience, by facing it (rather than avoiding or denying, if possible) and allowing the feelings that come up to simply be there and flow over you. It's about going with whatever you feel you want, need or have to do. Letting yourself do whatever you feel, regardless of the logic (as long as you're safe, etc.). Not forcing yourself to react a certain way or thinking you have to respond a certain way. Sort of like a painful mindfulness. Obviously the nuances and specifics depend on the situation and one's circumstances. I'm sorry for your friend

In terms of what you can do, I think the overarching thing is simply to be there, make yourself known, reach out, speak to her - don't retreat into silence due to not knowing what to say or for fear of miss-stepping. In my own experience of trauma, the worst thing was when people didn't acknowledge it, and/or said nothing. I understand, of course, that sometimes it's hard or impossible to know what to say or do, but in that time where I was in the thick of it, I needed acknowledgement, I needed to be seen and for my loss to be acknowledged. Make sure you look after yourself while being there for her.

You just do.

But it changes you as a person for the rest of your life. I’ve dealt with childhood sexual abuse, the traumatic loss of a sibling, an abusive relationship, a parent having cancer, a stepparent currently has less than a year to live, my mum has a life limiting illness. It feels relentless and yes I’m still here, but a lot of the time I feel dead inside.

I don't think this is wrong per se and I get the sentiment, but OP please don't 'tell' your friend to do anything and especially please don't compare a traumatic bereavement or similar to the sentiments expressed in a children's book, I think that has the potential to come across very trite.

Everyone has different ways to get through things. Some find comfort in children's books, others prefer a more intellectualised approach, neither are right or wrong.

Tell simply means inform gently it's not meant with malice

You just have to.

Therapy, hiding from the world, getting back to work (normality and a distraction), and ongoing support from friends helped me after dd died.

Tell her to treat it like "going on a bear hunt" there's some rough shit along the way but you have no choice but to go through it and once you've dealt with the scary bear getting home and comfortable in bed is the reward.

Jesus. Don't say this.

Sorry I didn't mean that to come across harshly and Op did ask how people would answer the question, and I totally understand many people would find your analogy comforting, in fact I think I would myself. I just think she needs to be really careful when giving advice or making comparisons for a bereaved person, full stop, as one person's comforting and kind is another's annoying or oversimplification. Personally I would have treated that question as rhetorical, because there's no real answer that can be given. That's all I meant. Apologies again, I didn't mean to criticize.

It doesn't work for you. That's totally ok. It might work for someone else, that's also totally ok.

For me it was keeping a routine, which meant being in work.
My line manager said that ‘something had to give’ so I did about 2/3 what I usually would.
Some people need a break but I find being busy more helpful.

I guess do what you feel which is different for everyone.

How do you get through it? Sometimes the only thing you can do is endure, breathe and endure. Initially your brain just goes numb, can’t think, just endure and breathe. Eventually a new normal begins to emerge but that takes a few years, before that there is a wall to hit, the stress hormones that allowed you to endure and breathe so you get through the beginning start to drop off and then your entire body hits a wall. One morning two years after I got up and couldn’t walk, that was my wall, it took two weeks to recover from that and it helped that I realised what it was. Then one day I realised that my life had started again, I caught myself looking forward to Spring and my garden growing again. My life is in two parts, before and after.

I think a lot of superhero/villains being born of some sort of tragic loss speaks to us at a deep level because in a way we don’t survive it. Not fully. There’s the person before and the person after and they aren’t the same. They can’t be.