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Original poster

How you survive something truly terrible happening

84 replies

SneakEasy · 11/05/2023 13:18

Hello. A friend of mine is going through something truly, truly terrible. She told me last night. I don't want to give further details, because it's not my business to share, but basically it's many people's worst nightmare (involving an awful impending loss).

She asked me: how do people DO this? How do people get through something this terrible? And I realised I just don't have any answers.

I'm sorry if this post churns anything up for anyone. I wondered what people would say to this.

(PS I am of course going to do everything I can to support my friend, although I do feel a bit clueless).

OP posts:

Iwant2move · 11/05/2023 20:02

Stressedannni · 11/05/2023 15:26

You don't survive it. You endure it. You bargain with the world, you deny it happenening. Your day is a living night mare and your dreams become haunted with the past, what the future would have been. You are never the same again. The world keeps spinning and you are paralysed. Grief is all encompassing at first, the grief stays the same size but you gradually think about it less, a second, minute an hour. 💔

Absolutely. My husband was killed. Five and a half years on I can tentatively hope that I am starting to “live” again.

Stressedannni · 11/05/2023 20:16

@Iwant2move yes also it's important to stress that grief is individual and doesn't have a time limit.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 11/05/2023 21:27

HolidayHankering · 11/05/2023 14:30

Tell her to treat it like "going on a bear hunt" there's some rough shit along the way but you have no choice but to go through it and once you've dealt with the scary bear getting home and comfortable in bed is the reward.

Jesus. Don't say this.

No. Please don't say this!!!!

Fcuk38 · 11/05/2023 21:35

She will go into survival mode as i and my kids did when my husband passed at 38, 5 years ago nearly. I had two kids to look after no choice but to accept what was happening and power through.

frockhopper · 11/05/2023 22:04

Diningtableand6chairs · 11/05/2023 19:38

Thing is, you don't have to, there is another choice. And I'd have taken it if it wasn't for the dc needing me.

Still now I sometimes think, yes I'd rather not be here, but I am choosing to be so I might as well make a good life if I can.

You have to dig deep and find the fire that pushes you to keep going, then hold on to it.

Same. I gave it some serious thought in the early days. No one would have known - on the surface I was coping remarkably well. The only reason I’m here today is my son.

Gotafaceon · 11/05/2023 22:14

So much wise advice here. Half hour by half hour was how I coped.
Friends who just hung in there with me. Didn't put a time limit on that or get frustrated when I didn't follow advice.

I cannot emphasize enough that I really would have hated the bear hunt thing being said to me.

WizardinTraining · 11/05/2023 22:20

@Stickly I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my sibling very young and my parents were in your position. I can’t imagine how hard it was for them or is for you ❤️

Giselletheunicorn · 11/05/2023 22:45

As everyone says, you do because you don't have a choice. You have to live in the moment - just get through a few minutes at a time.

Original poster

SneakEasy · 12/05/2023 09:28

Thank you all. It's so kind of you to take the time to post.
And again, I'm so very sorry for the things which have happened that have given you the experience to know about this.

I'm reading very carefully, and taking all the advice onboard about how to support my friend.

Sending love to you all

OP posts:

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