How you survive something truly terrible happening

[SneakEasy]

Hello. A friend of mine is going through something truly, truly terrible. She told me last night. I don't want to give further details, because it's not my business to share, but basically it's many people's worst nightmare (involving an awful impending loss).

She asked me: how do people DO this? How do people get through something this terrible? And I realised I just don't have any answers.

I'm sorry if this post churns anything up for anyone. I wondered what people would say to this.

(PS I am of course going to do everything I can to support my friend, although I do feel a bit clueless).

I'm assuming the loss of a child. For a close relative of mine, the loss of her child was the single most horrendous thing I've ever witnessed. She carried on for her remaining child but even now, years later, I'm aware (because she's told me) that she's simply "waiting to die" so she can be with her child again. She's put the waiting time to good use though and helps desperately underprivileged children in terrible situations.

Be there for your friend OP. And when the person she's lost has gone, let her talk about them. Endlessly. For as long as she lives. Memory can hurt but it's also a salve and much preferable to forgetting for those closest to the loss.

one day at a time but for me, literally one half an hour at a time. And then slowly, you realise you are counting hour blocks, then morning/ afternoon/e vening

And I have to say, talking to everyone I could. I have 3 friends who literally kept me alive with their often hourly checks on me

Frankly I'd be surprised if it works for anyone at all.

Telling someone bereaved that there is a "reward" after is deeply problematic, to begin with.

That suggests some clear delineation of afterwards, of "once you've dealt with the scary bear" and it just isn't like that.

There is no neat timeline of bravely battling through the thing and then getting a reward in an orderly fashion.

Let alone the twee reference to the "scary bear".

Not all trauma Involves bereavement. Getting through a shit period of life and finding peace is itself its own reward when you look back and see what you've gone through.

I'll do what works for me, you do what works for you. I won't judge you for it.

Sometimes you have to get through one hour at a time. Remember to drink water and eat when you can. The hours become days, become weeks. It gets easier eventually.

Your friend might not know exactly what would be helpful in these circumstances.
IME if you are part of a small, close friendship group or community, (and if or when later she agrees), you could have a private group doing practical things, discreetly, just getting on with it - someone to just put the bins out, another to cut the grass, walk the dog, take a meal, share a coffee, transport to hospital, collect prescriptions and so on.

When you are immersed in this situation it’s difficult to think what help you need.

@Alwaysdoingsomethingwrong Not all trauma involves bereavement, I agree with you there.

However, the OP here talks about an impending loss, that is many people's worst nightmare.

It is I'll agree with you.

For me simplifying things helps. This is an approach that helped me. It may help the OP and her friend it may not. There is no right or wrong way through trauma.

What is unproductive is squabbling on a support thread.

You have to. (Lost my son 5 days before Xmas). You function and get on with it. Yes it hurts but you have to continue living.

You just do. What other choice do you have? 9 years ago, June 2014 when ds1 and ds2 were at primary the thing happened to us. I cried a lot then, I've had nightmares, I've cried occasionally since. But at the time I just got on with it. What else can you do?

What is unproductive is squabbling on a support thread.

I'm not squabbling. I was genuinely horrified at the crashing insensitivity of urging the OP to trot out a bear hunt story reference with a reward as solace to a woman deep in anticipatory grief.

I'm deep in grief myself and if someone said that to me, I'd distance myself from them.

Sorry for your loss.

You're perfectly entitled to use things as you see fit, This is the internet, you can pick and choose what you do and do not pay attention to. Discard what doesn't apply.

You do the next 5 minutes, and then the 5 minutes after that, and then the 5 after that, and at some point you get to 10, and then an hour, a day, a week etc.

I read a book a little while back called Sapiens, that talked about studies done that show that peoples baseline happiness doesn't actually change very much.

Say that your baseline happiness is a 7 out of 10. You win the lottery, it jumps up to a 9 for a bit, but after a couple of years it'll even back out to a 7. You'll be richer, but no happier. The same is apparently true of losing a limb, you'll drop down to a 4, but eventually you'll adapt and end up back at 7.

It's only the case for static conditions, so for instance a degenerative condition where you are continuing to get worse, you don't get the breathing space to return to that baseline.

Now I've never won the lottery, or lost a child, or become paralysed, so it may all be a load of bollocks, but it seems to me its true for smaller stuff. I've had a massive payrise, and lost my mum, and in both those cases it was nice/ shit for a while, but a few years on I'm not any happier or sadder than I was before.

I think the point is that given time humans learn to adapt, and they can adapt to the most horrific of circumstances. As long as you can get through the initial pain, you learn to live with it. You don't forget it, you wrap it inside of you and it becomes a part of who you are, but not the whole of you.

It's nice they have a friend that cares as much as you do. That will be priceless to them.

As others have said, through the most horrific of times, you do so get through, but they will find their own way to get through (knowing you are there for support) some need to carry on and power through, some need to stay in bed and allow themselves time, some need people around them, others like their own time or a mix of all of them at different times.
Initially I needed to power on (I also had a newborn) but I still needed to keep busy even when I wasn't, I think people thought I was a bit mad or not accepting of the loss, but it was my way and no one has the right to judge. Then I needed people around me as I slowed down and allowed myself to grieve, as it was horrendous, it's 5 years on and it sometimes still hits me in the stomach like a brick. But I have good people around me to help me through, sounds like you will be they for your friend .

My friends comiserated how awful it was but I'd have given anything for some practical support such as a load of laundry or having DC for a playdate. So it's good you are going to help.

You get through because you have to. There is no other alternative as usually if there are DC they need their parents there.

How you can help? Making sure that offers aren't empty or refusal to help when you'd made noises you will but then say no. Not that I think you're the type to do that, OP.

It's a cliché, but day by day.

Sometimes even hour by hour.

You go into survival mode and when you look back on it all you realise it's completely changed you as a person. My ex husband suffered a brain injury and the pain of living in hope that things will get better and then suffering set backs, constant seizures and managing my children's big emotions while struggling to navigate medical jargon and procedures at 27 was just completely overwhelming. Seeing him in a coma and being told he would most likely die that night every day for 3 weeks in a row was traumatising and even now I get a rush of adrenaline when my phone rings with an unknown number. Now I'm older I can clearly see that I should have had some bereavement support (of sorts) to process the fact that who he was disappeared and that there was a new person that left the hospital. Very very hard to deal process and even more so for our children who remember a before and after. However, we have got through it, none of us are the same and I live with more fear now. Sorry, I didn't plan to write all of that out.

This really spoke to me. I don't feel I really survived it but I also know I'm a better person for it and have developed amazing resilience and empathy.

You have to give yourself time to feel. The best support people can give is allowing the person the time they need to deal with the emotions instead of having to compartmentalize and carry on. When we have to keep making sure the household runs, the kids are taken care of, and every other life demand is met, we don’t get to just have those hours to feel, to breakdown if necessary. That process is cathartic and lets a person get back up and face the world again. In simpler terms, being allowed to have a good cry while someone else takes care of everything really helps.

processing grief or trauma also doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a process that hits hard at first and then comes less frequently and for shorter periods over time.

You try to eat a little every day, get outside for 5 minutes every day, sleep if you can, and if you can't get some help from your doctor. That's quite enough to be going on with. Eventually you will manage a little more even though you can't believe it will ever get any better.

As a friend, you might find something useful here https://griefhaven.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/WHAT-TO-SAY-WHAT-NOT-TO-SAY.pdf

You don't survive it. You endure it. You bargain with the world, you deny it happenening. Your day is a living night mare and your dreams become haunted with the past, what the future would have been. You are never the same again. The world keeps spinning and you are paralysed. Grief is all encompassing at first, the grief stays the same size but you gradually think about it less, a second, minute an hour. 💔

It is I'll agree with you.

For me simplifying things helps. This is an approach that helped me. It may help the OP and her friend it may not. There is no right or wrong way through trauma.

What is unproductive is squabbling on a support thread.

It's the op who said the type of impending loss is everyone's worse nightmare, suggesting her friend is about to lose her child, which is why comparing it a child books and saying there's a reward at the end won't be appropriate. It's not bad advice for other difficult situations but not so much for getting through the death of a child.

I've had a friend lose her child in the past and she'd have probably gotten very angry with me if I gently told her to get through it by comparing it to a fun children's book. If OPs friend is in the situation of having to care for a dying child, there's no comforting reward after.

With the help of a good friend who will be there through thick and thin. And professional counselling to help you understand whats going on.

Having lost a child, not sure I’d take well to this (unless from a comedian).

Huh? What’s the reward at the end meant to signify? Her own death? It’s not about stiff upper lip and marching through, and a reward at the end. There is no reward at the end. It’s all shit when you lose someone you love and it will never not be shit.

OP, she’ll probably feel like sometimes she can’t physically breathe but somehow she will anyway. I like the grief is a stone in a box analogy (give it a Google, it’ll be explained there better than I’d manage). Time hasn’t been a ‘healer’ for me but I have got better at carrying my grief and the sadness ebbs into something more like love over time.

You sound like a fantastic friend.