How you survive something truly terrible happening

[SneakEasy]

Hello. A friend of mine is going through something truly, truly terrible. She told me last night. I don't want to give further details, because it's not my business to share, but basically it's many people's worst nightmare (involving an awful impending loss).

She asked me: how do people DO this? How do people get through something this terrible? And I realised I just don't have any answers.

I'm sorry if this post churns anything up for anyone. I wondered what people would say to this.

(PS I am of course going to do everything I can to support my friend, although I do feel a bit clueless).

You just do, there is no other option. One step in front of the other. One day at a time. At the beginning you just exist, which is enough. Eventually you realise that there will be more to life going forward than this horrific thing that has happened to you, that felt insurmountable. For me, I was changed, but I'm doing life and that's the main thing.

Without going into details, the worst thing I imagined for years actually happened. I'm not over it. By a long shot. I went to a dark place. But I'm happier now as I shifted my focus to things I DO have in my life and put all my energy into those. I have my husband, my child, my career - so I try to look at the good things in my life. That and time. I wont ever get over it and some days are worse than others, but each year gets a little easier.

One foot in front of the other because there is no other choice.

You just do…it does change you and you learn to live alongside it, I bob alongside it. Some days are worse than others and the grief will literally stop me in my tracks. A very close friend of mine is a counsellor and I did find discussing how I was feeling helped and knowing that it was all normal helped me understand the grief/trauma process.

You get through it somehow because you must. It seems to me that the alternative is to break down and I prefer to cope no matter how difficult it appears. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Spiritual support such as a faith, or even small like reading an uplifting poem each day and all sorts of stuff in between. There are also many wonderful volunteers who work in very specialist areas who are worth their weight in gold. That type of support (such as knowing that there was a shoulder to cry on at four in the morning, if necessary - I never called upon it but knowing it was there) was very valuable to me and I think was the main thing which stopped me from having a breakdown.

One thing that helped me was knowing that the seven (or sometimes you see five) stages of grief is not a true account of how we cope with bereavement. (It was a limited study of how people reacted to their own diagnosis. I had never found it likely or helpful - others might, of course).

Another was that anticipatory grief is a real thing. I had time and cause for huge anticipatory grief. Knowing there wasn't a wave of seven phases to come was a great help to me.

Then the only other thing was thinking that grief had its source in love. That may be trite. But when you imagine not grieving a death, that seems the only thing worse than grieving it.

The chance to focus on giving your loved one whatever care and joy is possible is a lasting consolation too.

You take all the help you can get, don't put a time limit on rebuilding your life and accept you may never be the same after what's happened to you. I've had quite a few bad things happen in my life the worst being the loss of my daughter in awful circumstances, I suffer from PTSD now. Counselling has helped as well as taking time off work

Yes I agree.

I wouldn't over emphasise coping. If coping and seeing yourself as a coper is your coping strategy, that's fine. But I think it's a concept that can put pressure on people to perform or to please others.

My DH died a fortnight ago, you get through it by doing one day at a time, and not worrying about the future.

I've been on MN a long time, and this is one of the saddest but also most beautiful threads I've read. I'm so sorry to all of the posters forced to put one foot in front of another to get through their grief. Some of these posts are such well written expressions of grief and love and the older I get the more I realise that the two can't be separated. xx

When I lost my mum and when my dh was ill with cancer I would have loved friends to keep me company, either in person or by text, in the evenings when it is less easy to keep busy.

Otherwise it would have been great to have help for the practical stuff like walking the dog or taking the children for a few hours.

You sound like a lovely friend, she is lucky to have you.

Hi OP,
What occurred to me was taking a look at the TED talks on grief/resilience/losing a child on youtube and you will be able to see people talking about their own experiences.

I would think any advice might only be useful to your friend after her initial shock has subsided and initial grieving x

By not looking to far ahead. Deal with what needs doing that minute or hour. One foot in front of the other. Dont think about tomorrow.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, acknowledge your fears and pain and be honest with yourself and friends.

If you are also the main carer for children, look for some support where you can talk if you want to, someone who is not connected with the family, where you can be honest without fear of judgment, because maintaining a stable home for children sometimes means you need to compartmentalise and crack on, but you will be able to give yourself a time and place to vent if you can get a some counselling.
It's bloody hard but survivable.
I kept going by telling myself that the last thing my children needed was the additional tragedy of losing their mum to grief, having lost their dad so suddenly.

And in terms of how you survive, I concur with everyone saying you just do, and take it one day at a time.

If it is someone with an illness I would say don’t look any further than the next 24 hours. Don’t dread about the test results on Wednesday and instead try to make the most of the day you are on. Don’t make plans further than 24 hours away, so you are less likely to be disappointed.

After a bereavement again I would agree with 1 day at a time. I found I experienced overwhelming emotional tiredness and a good sleep at 4 o’clock every day was part of my road out of grief.

I don't know how to quote 😬Argh! - apologies also for lack of apostrophes and typos - I'm rushing - but so sorry for your friend. You are very thoughtful and will be a good support x

Short term you 'get through' life changing events because you have to, there is no choice. 1 foot, 1 day etc
Longer term, I think you survive it, rather than 'get over' it. What is surprising is that trauma & grief is not linear. I experienced severe CSA as a child. Had some great counselling in my 20s & rarely thought of it. But then I had young children & had to be mindful I didn't let fear swamp me. Now they're older so it's changed again but in sometimes something in the news means I just have to sit totally still until the feelings pass (& I still can't sit with my back to a door & in now mid 50s)
My partner, & my last parent died last spring, within 6 weeks of each other, both suffered horribly from stage 4 cancer & had awful ends. Some days I'm OK some days I'm really not. But you keep going: the alternative is worse. Just be there for your friend. Listen. Don't advise. Stay around.

I won't go into terrible things but to get through them i took it one tiny minute at a time, then when i could i tried hours at a time making small decision at a time, i shall eat at this time or i will shower at that time. Eventually you start to make the big decisions. Sometimes you need people around you and sometimes you need to be alone. The biggest thing is allowing yourself to feel how you feel and not having people tell you how you should feel. Time will help to heal but there is no set time plan.

Time. And just keeping to your normal routine.
My husband died very suddenly when our children were 4 and 6. I found him. That's my tragedy. People would say I was being so 'brave'. Nonsense. I was hardly going to go around in tears. I got on with life as my children needed me too and kept my mourning private. That first Christmas (he died a couple months before), was awful and I could barely keep the tree up a few days after. But it got better. I still miss him, things would have been so different, but life continues and so will your friend's.

What everyone has said. You just do. The human body and mind is very resilient. You breathe. You take it a minute at a time, then you get through 10 minutes, then half an hour etc and you keep picking yourself up as long as it takes. Counselling helps. As do good friends who just carry you and do things you need doing without asking. You get through it and when you come out the other side you're invincible.

My husband left the house in an ambulance in March 2020, a quick goodbye to the kids (then 7 & 9) and that was the last time he was home. Died three weeks later in hospital.

I don’t know really know how I got through actually. Because there was no alternative I suppose. I was in a numb haze for a long time I think. Then it was just a case of one day at a time. I’ve had a lot of therapy, bought a lot of crazy things. I’m still not fully over it, some days are terrible. But here I am.

You cope because you have to. There’s no other choice. Talk as much as possible. Get counselling. As a friend be there to support. Be there to listen. Offer whatever you can to help, do her shopping, cook her meals, take her out for a walk when she hasn’t left the house in days. Check in on her. Even if she doesn’t respond just send a message every day to tell her you’re there. Send funny memes to make her smile. Just be there even if you don’t know what to do or what to say I promise being there is enough

There really is no other choice but to keep going. My daughter was diagnosed with a terminal illness, but there was no options but to keep putting one foot infront of the other.
The friends that were the best support, were the ones that allowed me to talk openly, talk about everything that was going on. So many people wanted to 'cheer me up' by trying to look on the bright side - but there really is nothing positive about child loss. I think because it is every parent's worst nightmare, so many of them didn't want to hear about the reality of what I was dealing with.
You sound like a lovely friend, but 'on the other side' the people that still offer support years later are invaluable. Going through something traumatic like that really changes who you are.

Thing is, you don't have to, there is another choice. And I'd have taken it if it wasn't for the dc needing me.

Still now I sometimes think, yes I'd rather not be here, but I am choosing to be so I might as well make a good life if I can.

You have to dig deep and find the fire that pushes you to keep going, then hold on to it.

Not everyone just gets on with it or survives because they have to. Trauma absolutely broke me and I checked out of everyday life for some time, spending time away from my family in a psych unit. Could not just pick myself up. Lots of examples there of people who just couldn't keep going and many who never did recover. Some do cope, but many people don't.

I think everybody gets through it in their own way, that's the hard part.
One friend wrote long, articulate, heart wrenchingly detailed accounts of her ordeal of Facebook. Hard to read but cathartic.
Another friend though wanted to chat about mundane things, even laugh and joke and pretend things were "normal"
A third went almost straight back to work, they liked being busy and having a routine.
So don't try and press somebody else's coping strategies on her. Just let her know you're there and support her as she finds her way through in her own way.