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Original poster

DS has painted his fingernails black

102 replies

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 08:42

My god I feel so out of touch and old to be even asking this.

It looks good, he's done a decent job, whereas I always use light colours to make my mistakes look less obvious!

However, there are a number of things that make me very worried about his mental health recently and I'm interested to know if this is an indicator that he's "involved" in something or actually a good sign that he's taking an interest in his appearance.

He hasn't had a haircut in a long time so his hair is long and tied back, but usually clean and his natural fair colour. Clothes are baggy trousers and dark tshirts, with trainers, chosen for comfort.

OP posts:
NameChange900 · 08/05/2023 08:43

Boys have been painting their nails black for as long as I can remember. It's not a sign that he's into something, it's more likely he's just expressing himself. I wouldn't mention it.

sashh · 08/05/2023 08:43

Love black nails on a male.

I wouldn't say involved, my carer often has black nails, sometimes silver, sometimes no colour.

Indoorcatmum · 08/05/2023 08:44

I would take it as him experimenting and you could turn it into quality time and bonding!
Maybe go get them done together :)

A chance to show you think he's great and also space for him to talk if he needs.

HairyFarnbarn · 08/05/2023 08:44

Black nails have been a thing since my teenage years in the 80s 😂
he’ll be fine let him experiment

Dablikeacrap · 08/05/2023 08:45

Oh shite. He’s caught ‘The Goth’.

joking OP, sounds like he is experimenting with his style!

Teapottie · 08/05/2023 08:47

Black nails on men was really popular and 'in' when I was younger, emo was all the rage and it was very much part of that aesthetic (of course applies to other sub culture and time periods also).

Nothing of what you have said sounds alarming in itself, but you know your child best. I'd just keep an eye and let him know he can talk to you whenever (as hopefully he knows), but no I wouldn't vocalise worries about nail polish.

wildfirewonder · 08/05/2023 08:47

WTF? Teenagers have been doing this forever. Are you very conservative - why are you concerned about this?

Painting fingernails black is not directly linked to his MH.

What makes you worried about his MH? That is far more important than his nail colour.

Timeforabiscuit · 08/05/2023 08:48

Taking an interest in his appearance is a good thing, and black nail varnish is pretty standard.

Ask if he wants a haircut to complement the look he's going for.

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 08:51

wildfirewonder · 08/05/2023 08:47

WTF? Teenagers have been doing this forever. Are you very conservative - why are you concerned about this?

Painting fingernails black is not directly linked to his MH.

What makes you worried about his MH? That is far more important than his nail colour.

Did you miss the bit where there are serious concerns about his MH?. I've said the nails look good, I'm just interested if it might be linked to some subculture, like Emo as PP mentions, which was most definitely not harmless or whether it is indeed mainstream these days.

I've no plans to "do" anything over painted nails, just interested in if/how it might fit with a bigger picture where there are most definitely things to be concerned about.

OP posts:
7Worfs · 08/05/2023 08:59

The nails or long hair on their own don’t mean anything, but with the context you provided I’d be examining VERY closely his internet activity.

For example, recently one of Mr Beast’s crew announced he’s trans. It started with black nail varnish, then long hair, then announcing he’s bisexual, then leaving his school sweetheart wife and their 2yo boy. Now on cross-sex hormones.

It doesn’t matter how many people wave it off as an employee phase. This is your son’s life and well-being - be vigilant and make sure he isn’t being groomed or sucked into anything.

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 09:01

*Emo phase, not employee phase

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 09:07

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 08:59

The nails or long hair on their own don’t mean anything, but with the context you provided I’d be examining VERY closely his internet activity.

For example, recently one of Mr Beast’s crew announced he’s trans. It started with black nail varnish, then long hair, then announcing he’s bisexual, then leaving his school sweetheart wife and their 2yo boy. Now on cross-sex hormones.

It doesn’t matter how many people wave it off as an employee phase. This is your son’s life and well-being - be vigilant and make sure he isn’t being groomed or sucked into anything.

Yes, the only trans teen I know (and when I say know, I mean aquaintance) has a look very similar to DS.

Born a boy, now going by a girls name, but still looks like a boy with long hair, baggy clothes and painted nails, no makeup or particular femininity, certainly not trying to look like a woman. I guess that's one of the reasons for my concern, although mostly I'm worried because DS is withdrawn and depressed following a traumatic event. The two things could of course be linked and I'm interested to know what he might be involved in. I'm not sure what I can do about it though.

It would be lovely to live in world where unusual behaviour from your kids can just be dismissed/enjoyed without any concern.

OP posts:
7Worfs · 08/05/2023 09:14

Start taking more of an interest in his interests, just hang out and listen, let him lead any activities and conversations?

Red flag online activities can be anime/manga/hentai communities, trans YouTubers/TikTokers, if he’s on Discord you must check ALL of his channels. If he is on Reddit or 4chan check all the boards he’s been on.

Singleandproud · 08/05/2023 09:18

Keeping an eye on online activity is the only thing you can do really.

When I worked at a secondary school it was only the 'quirky' students who went down the trans route, those that were autistic, those with MH struggles, those who had experienced trauma. Once one started the rest followed as the trans community offer a sticking plaster and 'welcoming/radicalising' (depending on your view) community instead of dealing with the actual challenges. Self harm of the attention seeking type (fore arms) was often frequent in these groups as they weren't getting the support they needed but it never really crossed over as far as I know into more serious attempts. Again in this group SH was almost fashionable as was the trans / non-binary phase and most stopped by year 11 as exams took precedence or when they left the school environment and went to college away from that social group.

Accept the black nail polish as a normal teen thing, enforce the same rules as a girl in that it needs removing for school but remain vigilent.

CelerEtAudax · 08/05/2023 09:23

Boys were paintng their nails black when I was a teen in the 70s. There's only an issue if he changes the colour and starts nicking your nail varnish.

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 09:24

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 09:14

Start taking more of an interest in his interests, just hang out and listen, let him lead any activities and conversations?

Red flag online activities can be anime/manga/hentai communities, trans YouTubers/TikTokers, if he’s on Discord you must check ALL of his channels. If he is on Reddit or 4chan check all the boards he’s been on.

I should he's away at Uni, so not a child and I'm not involved in his daily life. It doesn't make you worry any less though, when you know he's not thriving.

OP posts:
SkiingIsHeaven · 08/05/2023 09:25

Buy him an electric guitar. You will have your own little rockstar.

Greenfairydust · 08/05/2023 09:33

He is at university, so old enough to make his own choices and live his life.

Very common for teenagers to wear nail polish, especially those who are into indie music.

You need to back off from interfering and you certainly should not be snooping his computer. He is not a 10 year old boy...

Even if this was something linked to his sexuality you would need to respect his choices.

Universities these days have people who can support him if he is struggling with the environment/his course and you can suggest that he might want to seek counselling through them if he is stressed, but keep out of drawing conclusions about what is going on with him.

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 09:33

Should’ve started with his age, OP - if he’s flown the nest it’s trickier.
Check in on him more often, if it’s an option travel/go on holiday together so he’s out if his current environment. In fact change of environment for a longer period could be very good too - any relatives in a different part of the country/abroad he can stay with over the summer?

Ask him if he is no longer enjoying his course; it happens in the first 1-2 years and many students change courses.

40thmonarch · 08/05/2023 09:36

@7Worfs

What's wrong with anime and nanga pleaae.

My dd likes those and plays genshin.
I kmow quite a few teens also play this stuff?

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 09:41

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 09:33

Should’ve started with his age, OP - if he’s flown the nest it’s trickier.
Check in on him more often, if it’s an option travel/go on holiday together so he’s out if his current environment. In fact change of environment for a longer period could be very good too - any relatives in a different part of the country/abroad he can stay with over the summer?

Ask him if he is no longer enjoying his course; it happens in the first 1-2 years and many students change courses.

I'm not worried about his sexuality, I'm worried about his MH and a possible risk to his life.

I think we will drop out. He has a meeting tomorrow to discuss his options. Currently the welfare team are checking on him every couple of days.

I've no idea if it's a trans thing or not, I doubt it actually, and he has plenty of "reasons" to be depressed having had a shocking couple of years, but this could (or could not) be part of the picture.

OP posts:
7Worfs · 08/05/2023 09:42

@40thmonarch Not all anime/manga is a red flag. There’s plenty of perfectly innocent stuff. Genshin for example looks like a standard fantasy game.

It starts to get dicey around “loli” stuff, and obsessive online communities. Leads boys down certain paths.

If my child liked manga/anime, I’d make sure to feign interest and be included, or kept in the loop of it, just in case.

OnMyWayToSenility · 08/05/2023 09:43

It's a cool skater/graff thing to do these days.. nothing to worry about. 😀

40thmonarch · 08/05/2023 09:43

@7worfs thanks but still not sure what the dangers or theat I'm looking for is. What is loli stuff pleaae

Poblano · 08/05/2023 09:44

My DS, who is also away at university, has been painting his nails for a couple of years. Usually either black, rouge noir or a very deep blue.

He suffers a little with anxiety, but no other major MH issues.

He has friends who are trans or non-binary but has not expressed any thoughts that way himself. He is bisexual.

I'd maybe keep a slightly closer eye on your DS, which I know is hard when they're away. But the nails and longer hair per se aren't necessarily cause for concern.