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Original poster

DS has painted his fingernails black

102 replies

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 08:42

My god I feel so out of touch and old to be even asking this.

It looks good, he's done a decent job, whereas I always use light colours to make my mistakes look less obvious!

However, there are a number of things that make me very worried about his mental health recently and I'm interested to know if this is an indicator that he's "involved" in something or actually a good sign that he's taking an interest in his appearance.

He hasn't had a haircut in a long time so his hair is long and tied back, but usually clean and his natural fair colour. Clothes are baggy trousers and dark tshirts, with trainers, chosen for comfort.

OP posts:
ShowUs · 08/05/2023 13:19

Sorry you are getting such twatish replies.

It does sound like your son has some MH/self confidence issues and usually black nails can be a sign of this.

When I was younger it was a sign of us going through our goth/emo phase and nowadays it could be a sign of exploring their gender.

But I wouldn’t worry about it as often these are just used as a way of teens ‘finding themselves’ and having an identity or mask they can hide behind.

Forget about the nails, hair and clothes but I would keep an eye out for changes in behaviour like usually being sociable and then stopping wanting to go out etc.

Teens are difficult because they do go into a bit of a depressive/ moody phase and it’s difficult to know when it’s typical teen behaviour vs something more concerning.

Mytholmroyd · 08/05/2023 13:42

Asked my daughter (son still abed!) who is at a music college and she says no new or particular meaning to it that she's aware of going round unis - no big deal/significance - something emo and 'alternative' bods just do (and yes, have been doing for decades).

Why people on here are laughing at the supposed 'hysteria' I cannot fathom. I see no hysteria just a concerned parent asking if they might be missing something important and a lot of posters putting words and feelings into OPs mouth.

Perhaps, as a poster upthread said, Chat might not be the best place to post this for understanding OP.

Mytholmroyd · 08/05/2023 14:16

Son says no underlying reason he does/did it - just playing around with his image - has realised it's a pain to maintain! 'It wasn't signalling anything you should be concerned about mum'

Hope he gets any help he needs OP - this generation of kids has had a lot of crap to deal with at a crucial time of their lives.

gogohmm · 08/05/2023 14:16

DD's boyfriend paints his nails black or purple, he's into really heavy mental/rock music. He wears all black

JustMyOnion · 08/05/2023 14:45

They look lovely - that's all I'd say. I'd be more worried if teen wasn't washing or brushing teeth than nail polish

CremeEggQueen · 08/05/2023 17:57

RatSlave · 08/05/2023 12:46

God this thread is hilarious, the absolute hysteria over emo, painting nails black, reddit and anime is amazing. There are many many adults that enjoy all these things with no ulterior motive. Nearly all anime will have skimpily dressed women it's called fan service and is used to lure in more readers. Sometimes it's just one page of a female character in lingerie and nothing more.
This is like being in the dark ages again.

I know, it's giving me a good laugh - only on MN can males painting their nails black cause replies like limit their internet use, mentions of others who do having gay and/or trans friends (so?)
to look out for grooming and cults and could be an indicator to worsening mental health 😕
Its like entering a 1950s time warp filled with church elders - kind of like Footloose where they ban dancing as it's from the Devil or something!
And what the duck's wrong with cosplay and conventions?! Love both

CremeEggQueen · 08/05/2023 17:58

Duck? Ha my phone censoring my sweary word 😁

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 18:01

@CremeEggQueen you are so down with the kids! Come show us how to be cool mums. 👌🏻

P.S. Your post is what kids would call “posting cringe on main”.

Mytholmroyd · 08/05/2023 18:45

@CremeEggQueen
Did the bit where the OP said 'However, there are a number of things that make me very worried about his mental health recently' give you a good laugh too? Or do you know this person better thN their parent?

Why make such a sneery comment to a worried parent whose child is away at University? It's not about you.

CremeEggQueen · 08/05/2023 18:47

Mytholmroyd · 08/05/2023 18:45

@CremeEggQueen
Did the bit where the OP said 'However, there are a number of things that make me very worried about his mental health recently' give you a good laugh too? Or do you know this person better thN their parent?

Why make such a sneery comment to a worried parent whose child is away at University? It's not about you.

My post was more referring to all the completely OTT reactions from other posters.
Still not sure what on earth's wrong with cosplay and conventions , mind you

Inkypot · 08/05/2023 18:51

Dablikeacrap · 08/05/2023 08:45

Oh shite. He’s caught ‘The Goth’.

joking OP, sounds like he is experimenting with his style!

😂😂 as a goth myself this had me in stitches!

Mytholmroyd · 08/05/2023 18:55

OK - understood but it can make OP feel bad about being worried - nowt wrong with asking for advice about whether there are deeper meanings to stuff you aren't familiar with.

I agree about conventions though - my kids love cosplay and conventions!

CremeEggQueen · 08/05/2023 19:12

Mytholmroyd · 08/05/2023 18:55

OK - understood but it can make OP feel bad about being worried - nowt wrong with asking for advice about whether there are deeper meanings to stuff you aren't familiar with.

I agree about conventions though - my kids love cosplay and conventions!

I loved them as a kid and still love attending them all these very many years later 😁

eatdrinkandbemerry · 08/05/2023 19:19

You need to ask him.
We can't possibly know if he's just experimenting or there's a deeper reason.

LovelyJublee · 08/05/2023 22:23

My post was more referring to all the completely OTT reactions from other posters.
Still not sure what on earth's wrong with cosplay and conventions , mind you

If that's aimed at me because I mentioned taking my own dd to cosplay events and conventions, I don't believe I said anything is wrong with them?

CremeEggQueen · 08/05/2023 22:50

LovelyJublee · 08/05/2023 22:23

My post was more referring to all the completely OTT reactions from other posters.
Still not sure what on earth's wrong with cosplay and conventions , mind you

If that's aimed at me because I mentioned taking my own dd to cosplay events and conventions, I don't believe I said anything is wrong with them?

No, it was more aimed at this post
Lucikly dd has not mentioned or shown interest in the cos play or conventions at all

Luckily? 😕

GellerYeller · 08/05/2023 22:52

@Jazzabel is right about Emo. When we were younger, the press, notably the Mail, whipped up the ‘emo suicide cult’ theory when in fact the most prominent ‘emo’ band in question openly stated they were about supporting the disaffected and VERY much telling troubled people to seek help. Both online and on stage. If you looked at their social media today you’d see many ‘this band saved my life’ type comments.
Hardly a subculture IMHO, but yes, there’s eye liner and nail polish and they do have LGBTQ fans. But so does Taylor Swift. I sincerely wish you and your son well.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 08/05/2023 23:07

If you are worried, talk to him.
I made friends with younger people over the years through my hobby(gaming), and they are generally great kids, but they seems to be quite a sensitive souls, who need assurance and support. Best thing you can do as a parent imo is to be there for them, and listen. It may just be a form of expression, or cry for help. Either way, there's no harm to be there for them, and stand by them.

BatFaceOwl · 08/05/2023 23:16

Well, you need to ask him really and keep lines of communication open.

Some teen boys paint their nails. My 16 year old son would no more paint his nails than he would orbit the moon - it's not him at all -'he's a fashion victim footballer! So for me, it would indicate something very weird indeed if he suddenly did it

For you however, it sounds like your son is maybe alternative and quirky? It would perhaps worry me less in your circumstances , hard to say

But I'd just talk to him, make sure he's getting good support with his mental health issues and could you perhaps get a good chat going with him? Take him for a walk/ drive/ meal. Watch a film together - whatever it is you know he might enjoy and just try and find out how he's feeling

Its all you can do really

Greenfairydust · 09/05/2023 08:59

I think you might simply need to spell out what you are really concerned about.

Bluntly: are you concerned that your son's hair and nails are a sign that he might be struggling with his gender identity and you are worrying this could be the beginning of a transition?

It is much more likely that he is struggling with being in the wrong course and not fitting in from that point of view and is maybe disappointed with himself (not making a success of his degree) for it. This is probably stressful enough in itself.

I think you are putting your own fears into the situation rather than simply sticking to the facts.

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 09/05/2023 09:20

Greenfairydust · 09/05/2023 08:59

I think you might simply need to spell out what you are really concerned about.

Bluntly: are you concerned that your son's hair and nails are a sign that he might be struggling with his gender identity and you are worrying this could be the beginning of a transition?

It is much more likely that he is struggling with being in the wrong course and not fitting in from that point of view and is maybe disappointed with himself (not making a success of his degree) for it. This is probably stressful enough in itself.

I think you are putting your own fears into the situation rather than simply sticking to the facts.

It hadn't even occurred to me that it might be to do with gender identity until PP mentioned it. I was simply asking if it might be an indicator that he was involved with "something". Some sort of badge or symbol of something I'm unaware of.

Yes, there are a million other things to worry about, I was just wondering if this might be part of the puzzle.

OP posts:
RoseRobot · 09/05/2023 09:33

DS paints his nails black all the time. Also natural blond with longish hair. He's doing fine. I didn't bat an eyelid. Teens experiment with style. It's as normal as can be. If you are worried about his MH, nail varnish is not high on the list of concerns.

Seas164 · 09/05/2023 09:36

You've had some replies that have focussed on the nails, rather than your concerns about his mental health due to the title of your post maybe.

This does sound worrying for you and him being away must make it feel harder to support him following the traumatic events recently, and you're just looking for clues as to how he's feeling.

there are a number of things that make me very worried about his mental health recently

I think that his fingernails/hair/clothes code are never going to be able to tell you more about what is going on for him than he can, do you have the kind of relationship with him where you can talk to him? You don't need to have the answers, or work everything out for him, but him being able to talk to you is really key at this age, just being there as a consistent open and understanding support.

Maybe write him a letter, just saying that you're really proud of who he is, and you're so lucky to get to be his mum and you'll always be there for him. Uni can be a big deal, especially after the social bomb of lockdowns, make sure he knows you're always there.

TheEverlovingFork · 09/05/2023 09:43

I'd honestly be less worried with clean hair and careful polish, it sounds more like he's actually finding a way to express himself (which might include finding a community/vibe he enjoys in an alternative subculture) rather than 'look how sad I am'. When i went through the Goth phase - and it doesn't even sound like he's that alternative at present - it was a way of expressing my feelings of alienation from society in a way that gave me a instant community and access to new friends and art/music that actually helped get me through my difficulties, rather than egging them on.

I hope the welfare checks are going well, Uni is so often a really conflicting time, young people are struggling to find out who they are with a lot of external and internal pressure. Just be someone he can talk to without trying to 'fix it' or make it go away, no matter how hard that is.

Dablikeacrap · 12/05/2023 09:30

Former goth here 👋🏼

have you seen ‘goths in ungothly places’ on TikTok? it had me crying and brings me back to my angsty teenage days out with my parents 😂

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJHyDgWu/