Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DS has painted his fingernails black

102 replies

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 08:42

My god I feel so out of touch and old to be even asking this.

It looks good, he's done a decent job, whereas I always use light colours to make my mistakes look less obvious!

However, there are a number of things that make me very worried about his mental health recently and I'm interested to know if this is an indicator that he's "involved" in something or actually a good sign that he's taking an interest in his appearance.

He hasn't had a haircut in a long time so his hair is long and tied back, but usually clean and his natural fair colour. Clothes are baggy trousers and dark tshirts, with trainers, chosen for comfort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 09:44

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 09:42

@40thmonarch Not all anime/manga is a red flag. There’s plenty of perfectly innocent stuff. Genshin for example looks like a standard fantasy game.

It starts to get dicey around “loli” stuff, and obsessive online communities. Leads boys down certain paths.

If my child liked manga/anime, I’d make sure to feign interest and be included, or kept in the loop of it, just in case.

DS definitely has these interests. Manga, including some images I've tried to talk to him about but have never really got through. I know he's also active on Redditt and Discord, but doubt there's anything I can do about that either.

OP posts:
Booklover40 · 08/05/2023 09:48

Pretty standard behaviour - especially if he's an art student!

Im not sure what you can do if he's at uni? It's really hard to be involved at all once they've gone away - I'm lucky if ds responds to text messages!

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 09:48

@40thmonarch well, a good rule of thumb is, if the characters are fully dressed, don’t have exaggerated huge breasts and do suggestive poses, and do normal stuff like sword fighting, it’s OK.

Loli is a genre where girls are drawn with very innocent child-like faces, but the rest is overly sexualised.

CrapBucket · 08/05/2023 09:49

Just sending you a hug OP as the nails in themselves don’t seem to be a way of judging the situation being any better or any worse, but clearly this is a very hard time for you both. It’s really hard parenting when they are older. I hope this turns out to be start of an improvement x

derekthe1adyhamster · 08/05/2023 09:53

My DS painted his nails as a way of avoiding self harm. By the time it takes to dry the urge had usually passed. It's a known distraction method. I'm not sure if this applies to your son or not though

AllOfThemWitches · 08/05/2023 09:54

Sounds like the 'alternative' boys I liked as a teenager. They mostly grew up OK, as far as I know.

rowanrome · 08/05/2023 10:13

I wouldn't worry. My 16 year old grandson wears black nail polish, also grey, dark green, orange, dark blue and he occasionally borrows my red and pinks. He's a happy, confident young man with a very personal style, we vintage clothes shop together.

YouJustDoYou · 08/05/2023 10:15

Oh no, not black nails! He's worshipping the devil!

WetBandits · 08/05/2023 10:21

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 09:41

I'm not worried about his sexuality, I'm worried about his MH and a possible risk to his life.

I think we will drop out. He has a meeting tomorrow to discuss his options. Currently the welfare team are checking on him every couple of days.

I've no idea if it's a trans thing or not, I doubt it actually, and he has plenty of "reasons" to be depressed having had a shocking couple of years, but this could (or could not) be part of the picture.

Show quote history

Sorry, you think his mental health is so bad that there is genuinely a risk to his life and the first thing you do is come on Mumsnet to ask about his fingernails???

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 10:24

WetBandits · 08/05/2023 10:21

Sorry, you think his mental health is so bad that there is genuinely a risk to his life and the first thing you do is come on Mumsnet to ask about his fingernails???

Show quote history

Yes, the first thing I did was ask about his black nails on MN . I didn't really spend weeks getting to a situation where the uni team are checking on him almost daily first. This is one thing that may or may not be part of a very a big picture.

Don't you need to have a look at yourself when that's your response to a mother worried sick about her child?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 08/05/2023 10:33

But why are you asking about his nail painting?

What do you think that signifies considering as you say he is already unwell and needing MH interventions. Is he on medication for his depression/anxiety?

It seems the least of your worries to be honest

JaninaDuszejko · 08/05/2023 10:35

@Pinkydamage I'm sorry you are getting a hard time but honestly your OP read that you were concerned about him having painted his nails and having long hair. It sounded like you were from the 60s.

If your OP had said 'my son has a history of mental health issues, he's at Uni and they are aware of the issue but I'm feeling far away and helpless, what could I do to help him further?' you would have got very different answers.

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 10:39

bellac11 · 08/05/2023 10:33

But why are you asking about his nail painting?

What do you think that signifies considering as you say he is already unwell and needing MH interventions. Is he on medication for his depression/anxiety?

It seems the least of your worries to be honest

The OP explains exactly why I'm asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 10:40

JaninaDuszejko · 08/05/2023 10:35

@Pinkydamage I'm sorry you are getting a hard time but honestly your OP read that you were concerned about him having painted his nails and having long hair. It sounded like you were from the 60s.

If your OP had said 'my son has a history of mental health issues, he's at Uni and they are aware of the issue but I'm feeling far away and helpless, what could I do to help him further?' you would have got very different answers.

The OP does explain that I'm asking in case there's a link between his MH and something the nails might indicate he's involved in.

I also acknowledged that I'm out of touch. There's no need to say it again even now.

OP posts:
hopsalong · 08/05/2023 10:52

I don't think it's a sign of anything worrying.

I teach at an university. My male students with black nails (quite a few over the years) have all been extremely well-adjusted and cheerful souls. Sometimes they also have a thing for stickers all over their laptops, I've noticed. FWIW, I think they've all been straight. I have one now who I see squiring different beautiful girls about town...

Cakeoutintherain · 08/05/2023 10:54

He is trying to be alternative, the odd thing about trying to be alternative is quite often the sort of things done mean it’s a uniform but just of another ilk.

MN is incredibly liberal in things like this, whatever way people want to express themselves in dress or make up is fine.

Personally I would wonder why the attention seeking because it is a change and as much as MN falls over itself out to be open minded you wondering is actually fine to ask.

So it probably means not much at all but I see people are enjoying feeling superior and making out you are something out of the Ark. it was a perfectly ok question.

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 11:02

Cakeoutintherain · 08/05/2023 10:54

He is trying to be alternative, the odd thing about trying to be alternative is quite often the sort of things done mean it’s a uniform but just of another ilk.

MN is incredibly liberal in things like this, whatever way people want to express themselves in dress or make up is fine.

Personally I would wonder why the attention seeking because it is a change and as much as MN falls over itself out to be open minded you wondering is actually fine to ask.

So it probably means not much at all but I see people are enjoying feeling superior and making out you are something out of the Ark. it was a perfectly ok question.

That's interesting because he is the absolute opposite of attention seeking. He'd prefer no one noticed him ever, so maybe that's why it feels significant to me. He's never taken any interest/made any effort with his appearance either. The long hair is just because it's easier not to have it cut and he wears whatever clothes his gran buys for his birthday! (Although she does know what he likes, that's entirely based on comfort)

OP posts:
Stressyfab · 08/05/2023 11:13

I personally only paint my nails black to signify my inner distress and torment. On happier days I make sure to paint them yellow to signify my adoration of life. You are right to be worried, he’s definitely communicating in code via his polish.
The only issue here is you need to work out where on his personal colour scale does black lie? Is it more of an eternal doom feeling or a mild disappointment with the day? It’s worth considering if different brands of black polish could mean something too.

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 11:15

Stressyfab · 08/05/2023 11:13

I personally only paint my nails black to signify my inner distress and torment. On happier days I make sure to paint them yellow to signify my adoration of life. You are right to be worried, he’s definitely communicating in code via his polish.
The only issue here is you need to work out where on his personal colour scale does black lie? Is it more of an eternal doom feeling or a mild disappointment with the day? It’s worth considering if different brands of black polish could mean something too.

You're really going to take the piss? Ignore it if you think it's silliness, but what's the matter with you? I really hope you never spend you days and nights wondering if your DS is still alive and what signs you've missed that could have helped him.

OP posts:
Kenwoodmixitup · 08/05/2023 11:16

He sounds really cool and bang in trend. The clean hair is the giveaway.

Mytholmroyd · 08/05/2023 11:32

He sounds a lot like my son OP apart from the long hair. I'll ask him when he gets up if there is any current significance to the black nail painting. I teach at a university and many students have been struggling with mental health over/since lock down and a lot of resource is being put into it in student welfare and departments. It has exploded. Glad to hear the university is helping him.

Sorry about the lack of empathy you are getting here from some posters - baffling - why on earth shouldn't you ask for advice? You try every avenue you can if you are worried about a child.

Mumsnet used to be a place to gather supportive help and knowledge not take the piss and laugh at your concerns. I've had a lot of informed help with issues surrounding my 4 kids over the 20 years I've been here. Very sad to see some of the replies on this thread.

midgemadgemodge · 08/05/2023 11:35

Painting nails carefully is a sign of self care rather than mental distress surely

LovelyJublee · 08/05/2023 11:38

40thmonarch · 08/05/2023 09:36

@7Worfs

What's wrong with anime and nanga pleaae.

My dd likes those and plays genshin.
I kmow quite a few teens also play this stuff?

Nothing is wrong with them, my dd is very much into manga, anime and Genshin is one of her fave games. She's loved these things since she a young teen and she's now 18 but she's the first to admit there's a lot of worrying behaviour among some of the males in the community.

We took her a anime/cosplay conventions and I've seen a a bit of a shift myself in the amount of creeps who seem to go, there were quite a lot of people (men) who made me feel very uncomfortable. She hasn't been to any since pre covid and she had fun at the ones she did go to but I was very aware of the amount of bearded males, many middle aged, dressed in skimpy sailor moon outfits who would walk into the women's toilets where teenage girls like dd would be changing their cosplay outfits in the toilets.

Dds friend came with us a few times and she went off to buy a anime figurine but remained in my vision and it was maybe two minutes and a bloke in a skimpy outfit approached and i immediately made my way to her,I could see him touching her outfit and as I got closer he was asking her how she made it and asked if he could add her on social media so she could give him tips on costume making and I interjected and said absolutely not and suggested he chat to the many men and women in amazing handmade costumes who are his own age and ask for costume making tips and he called me a bigoted cunt and stormed off. Dds friend was a bit mad at me because she said he was just trying to be her friend. Also spotted quite a few older male "photographers" who were only asking teenage girls and young women in revealing outfits to pose for photos.

Not saying for one second anime/manga and cosplay can't be enjoyed by adult males or females, it's just with what I have seen with my own eyes over the last five years or so and what dd tells me about the online communities she has been part of, there's an demographic of the community who seem to get a sexual thrill from being in anime cosplay and who seem to prefer the company of teenagers in these communities.

Original poster
Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 11:40

midgemadgemodge · 08/05/2023 11:35

Painting nails carefully is a sign of self care rather than mental distress surely

Yes, I think so, that's why I explained the context with the hair. It could be a good sign, that he's showing some interest. I also wondered whether I might be being naive and he's involved in some cult or something!

OP posts:
TheMarzipanDildo · 08/05/2023 11:46

Cakeoutintherain · 08/05/2023 10:54

He is trying to be alternative, the odd thing about trying to be alternative is quite often the sort of things done mean it’s a uniform but just of another ilk.

MN is incredibly liberal in things like this, whatever way people want to express themselves in dress or make up is fine.

Personally I would wonder why the attention seeking because it is a change and as much as MN falls over itself out to be open minded you wondering is actually fine to ask.

So it probably means not much at all but I see people are enjoying feeling superior and making out you are something out of the Ark. it was a perfectly ok question.

There’s nothing especially out of the ordinary about a lad painting his nails. I have very well adjusted non attention seeking male friends who do that. I suppose what OP might be worried about is him doing stuff that is out of the ordinary for him, but this actually sounds pretty in keeping.

Swipe left for the next trending thread