Husband really wants a dog, I really don't want one. What to do?

[cookiewoo]

DH and I have been together many years and have a great relationship. We’re both very chilled and easy going and get on well.
The biggest disagreement of our whole relationship is that he desperately wants a dog and I desperately don’t want one.

My reasons are (in no particular order), I have cats which I adore and mean a lot to me. Having a dog would make them very unhappy and I do not want to put them through that stress.

I am a scared of dogs. I got bitten as a kid so I have a fear. However, I’m generally fine with friends dogs that I know and trust but if dogs bark, jump up or run towards me, I find it very scary.

I do not want the commitment of a dog. We both work full time and I am out of the house most days. We have kids and life is busy. I don’t need anything else to have to deal with. We had a rabbit and even the commitment of that I found annoying (but the rabbit was well cared for!).

Cost - dogs aren’t cheap and whilst we could afford it, I’d rather the money went towards work we have to do to our house.

His reasons for wanting one, he wants a companion that he will bond with, that he can take out with him, be by his side. His work is much more flexible so he could sometimes take a dog with him, but not always.

He thinks our children will enjoy having a dog before they get to old (whilst they would enjoy it I have no doubt that the novelty would wear off).

He thinks that he will train it and it will be a breeze and it will fit into our lives easily and the cats and dog will end up living happily together. I think he is very unrealistic with these expectations.

He says that If the tables were turned, he would just let me get a dog, which he would, that’s just what he’s like. He likes me to be happy.

But, I just can’t budge on this and I know he he is starting to resent me a bit. We are at an absolute stalemate. I do feel bad as it is just me preventing him having the one thing he desperately wants, but I have zero interest in having a dog!

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?
Should I cave in? Would I regret it?

He is not pestering me about this at all. It’s mainly an unspoken disagreement that every few months comes up again in discussion and we both feel a bit upset/annoyed/resentful. It came up again yesterday which is why I started this thread as it was on my mind.

I have asked him why he feels he needs a dog companion to bond with, aren’t me and the kids enough? He says it’s different and he works on his own a lot so it would keep him company (but he’s worked on his own for years and coped without a dog companion).

The cats are staying. We’ve had cats for years. He grew up without any pets so he wasn’t sure at first but went with it and now he loves them. When these ones pass on, I would like more cats. I am a cat person and absolutely love having them. They are so easy to look after. Neither of us have ever been dog owners.

The suggestion of a month long trial pretending to have a dog is genius! I will suggest that highlighting everything he would be required to do.

I also like the description of a dog being even more work than a toddler. Our kids are teens so we are at a great stage where life is much easier and we have so much more freedom as the kids grow more independent. We have both noted how easy life is now in that respect. Why would we make life harder again with a new dog?!

I’ve read all the replies and it’s reassured me that I am doing the right thing standing my ground on this one. We won’t be getting a dog.

Dont do it, you will regret it if you do. Dogs whilst lovely are hard work.

My sister and soon to be BIL were like this. He wanted one, she didn't. In the end, she gave in, they got a rescue dog, a mongrelly thing, and within a week, it had bitten both of them, and started growling if they tried to go in the kitchen, which it had decided was its territory. It went back. Not to the 'farm in the country' my mum told me about. He said to her afterwards, 'Why didn't you argue more against it?'.

He is not pestering me about this at all. It’s mainly an unspoken disagreement that every few months comes up again in discussion and we both feel a bit upset/annoyed/resentful. It came up again yesterday which is why I started this thread as it was on my mind.

He needs to stop bringing it up. The answer is no. If having a dog was so important to him, he shouldn't have married and started a family with someone who was scared of dogs and who didn't want a dog.

Pets were a deal-breaker for me (in that, I knew I needed to have pets) so I wouldn't have even dated someone who didn't like dogs, let alone get to the point of marriage and children. I was never allowed one growing up as my parents didn't want the commitment, which is totally fair enough and totally their decision.

He's chosen to start a family with someone who's terrified of dogs - so it's too bad if he wants a dog now, he can't have one.

My dog mothers my cats and they adore each other - some dogs and cats get on fine

I agree with this.

I unequivocally resisted getting cats for a decade (I know they're not dogs!) but fell completely and unexpectedly in love with our first, and then had to persuade my family to buy a second one! Complete game-changer for me - I adore them.

A recent thread on here was all about the different temperaments and walking and attention needs of different breeds. I was amazed at how much they varied and I think it would be worth you both looking into.

FWIW an old friend spent a good year researching the right breed and eventually got a Cavapoo as they are calm but very bright, and it's all worked out really well for them.

Neither of us have ever been dog owners.

So he’s arguing from a place of sunny ignorance rather than being a lifelong dog lover.

You’d be landed with the whole of the dog care. Betcha.

This exactly. Who does most of the house cleaning and shopping and laundry? Because that person will end up dealing with the extra mess and dog “stuff” required. I don’t agree that dogs are a lot of work if you choose the right breed, have the right space, someone WFH and build the dog walking into your routine. That’s the only reason it’s worked for us so well. But my OH though reluctant at first is a lifelong dog lover, adores the dog and knows it will ultimately give us so much back than it takes. But all that is irrelevant if you don’t want a dog full stop.

No way, dogs are hard work, fine if you are both committed to owning a dog. But definitely not if only one of you wants one. Put your foot down on this.

I'm the dog-disliker in my family for the same reasons as you OP, including being bitten. Additionally, I have no interest in anyone or anything else's shit now that my children are long out of nappies.

It's a hard no from me every time this conversation comes up. There are many things I'm happy to compromise on but there isn't a compromise position here - you either have a dog or you don't.

There are fostering schemes and a friend of dh's looks after puppies that are training to be assistance dogs (they go to college during the day) but I don't know if this would be an option if your DH has never had a dog and you have cats.

It would still be a hard no from me, I'm afraid.

We have a dog, I got persuaded through unrelenting pressure from the kids etc.

Thirteen years of drudgery so far.

We don't just go out somewhere at the weekend any more. Dog can't (nor should he) be left for more than 5 hours. I walk him twice a day. I feed him twice a day. I pick up the crap in the garden. I keep him clean, I notice when we need more food or medication, order it and collect it. I book kennels (6 months in advance as everyone got a dog in lockdown and have all the spaces, all the time fully booked). I book his vaccinations and vet appointments after being the one to notice something is up, I clean the grass seeds from his fur, I book his grooming and take him there.
I'm fed up... even of the extra stupid admin involved... but the kids who wanted the dog are grown and flown. DH who also wanted him has changed job, which changes the times he is around. Shit happens... and now it all lands on resentful little old me...

I would not give in again. We will not be getting another dog. What annoys me (about myself) is that I knew it would end up like this and did it anyway.

ZOMBIE THREAD

To have a dog someone needs to be at home most of everyday if they aren't you shouldn't have one.

A well trained and well behaved dog can be very easy to look after. Or they can be very demanding in terms of feeding, exercise, stimulation and entertainment, grooming and space.

Puppies are gorgeous, but they don't become well behaved dogs by accident - training is a lot of work, and not all puppies learn quickly. Veterinary care can be horrendously expensive and time consuming - we've had dogs who have never needed a vet and others who have needed a lot of care in their old age.

I suspect someone who has never owned a dog is underestimating these financial and time costs. Maybe someone would happily let your husband walk their dog? I think there are groups that organise this for people struggling to so this.