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Original poster

Husband really wants a dog, I really don't want one. What to do?

114 replies

cookiewoo · 06/05/2023 17:32

DH and I have been together many years and have a great relationship. We’re both very chilled and easy going and get on well.
The biggest disagreement of our whole relationship is that he desperately wants a dog and I desperately don’t want one.

My reasons are (in no particular order), I have cats which I adore and mean a lot to me. Having a dog would make them very unhappy and I do not want to put them through that stress.

I am a scared of dogs. I got bitten as a kid so I have a fear. However, I’m generally fine with friends dogs that I know and trust but if dogs bark, jump up or run towards me, I find it very scary.

I do not want the commitment of a dog. We both work full time and I am out of the house most days. We have kids and life is busy. I don’t need anything else to have to deal with. We had a rabbit and even the commitment of that I found annoying (but the rabbit was well cared for!).

Cost - dogs aren’t cheap and whilst we could afford it, I’d rather the money went towards work we have to do to our house.

His reasons for wanting one, he wants a companion that he will bond with, that he can take out with him, be by his side. His work is much more flexible so he could sometimes take a dog with him, but not always.

He thinks our children will enjoy having a dog before they get to old (whilst they would enjoy it I have no doubt that the novelty would wear off).

He thinks that he will train it and it will be a breeze and it will fit into our lives easily and the cats and dog will end up living happily together. I think he is very unrealistic with these expectations.

He says that If the tables were turned, he would just let me get a dog, which he would, that’s just what he’s like. He likes me to be happy.

But, I just can’t budge on this and I know he he is starting to resent me a bit. We are at an absolute stalemate. I do feel bad as it is just me preventing him having the one thing he desperately wants, but I have zero interest in having a dog!

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?
Should I cave in? Would I regret it?

OP posts:
Needapadlockonmyfridge · 06/05/2023 17:53

Unless both of you want a dog, don't get one.

Bluebells1970 · 06/05/2023 17:55

I've got 2 and a PP hit the nail on the head likening it to having a toddler that never grows up. I get up 2 hours before work to walk, wash and feed them. They come to work with me and I've got to check they've got water, keep letting them out for a wee and generally check they're OK. Then home again, repeat the actions of the morning and then I get to sit down. I adore them, am dog mad but it's a massive commitment and I massively resent DH that he just refuses to do anything other than pat them occasionally.

If you're not 100% on board, don't do it. It's not fair on the dog, or on you.

HoldingTheDoor · 06/05/2023 17:55

You shouldn't get a dog. You don't want one and you're scared of them. It wouldn't be fair on the dog either. I do feel a bit for your husband though because it must be difficult but I assume that he went into the relationship knowing that you don't like dogs so he can't complain.

This is precisely why I would not contemplate for a minute, dating anyone who was allergic to animals, scared of animals, wasn't an animal lover, didn't want pets or disliked a particular type of pet because they're that important to me.(I don't want to date anyone regardless but pretending that I do. ) it would never be an option for me but your husband has not I assume, made the same declaration so he's just going to have to live without one. Perhaps he could walk someone else's dog.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dogs
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2023 17:56

FourTeaFallOut · 06/05/2023 17:44

You don't want a dog in your home, so of course you don't get a dog. If you wanted another child but he didn't, you'd get a near total agreement that it would be absurd to have another. But brace for the crazy dog contingent to tell you that you are imposing some terrible injustice on your dh.

Yet despite you rudely calling dog lovers 'crazy' none of us think she should have to get one. Maybe don't tilt at windmills.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/05/2023 18:01

FourTeaFallOut · 06/05/2023 17:44

You don't want a dog in your home, so of course you don't get a dog. If you wanted another child but he didn't, you'd get a near total agreement that it would be absurd to have another. But brace for the crazy dog contingent to tell you that you are imposing some terrible injustice on your dh.

Yet pretty much all of us "crazy dog lovers" have said that both parties need to be fully on board before bringing a dog into the home Hmm

LovelyJublee · 06/05/2023 18:02

If one person is not fully on board with the level of work and commitment that comes with getting a puppy then it absolutely should not happen.

I love my dog very much and she's really helped with my phobia of them but even with us both being fully on board it was fucking hard work and that's without having to organise care for the puppy so we could go to work and my puppy basically toilet trained herself but the chewing and nipping, OH MY GOD, leave her for ten seconds and she's chew anything in sight, she had destroyed countless cables and wires, shoes, and books? All my fault of course because I left those things laid about and she wasn't even left alone much but the constant diverting from chewing and nipping I found hard. Im luck in the sense that she cried to go outside for potty from day one and I'm at home so I didn't have to organise day care for the dogs, and I don't mind being tied down as I'm a home body and dd was older and didn't need taking to hobbies etc and leaving home alone several hours every day.

I know people who have let their husbands guilt and coerce them into getting a puppy and promise they'll do all the work but naturally it didn't happen like that, the husbands would be wanting to go about mates on their Friday night and the usual pub football team stuff on Sundays and just assumed someone else would stay home and the pup ended up being resold or in one case, it ended the marriage.

Hoppinggreen · 06/05/2023 18:03

FourTeaFallOut · 06/05/2023 17:44

You don't want a dog in your home, so of course you don't get a dog. If you wanted another child but he didn't, you'd get a near total agreement that it would be absurd to have another. But brace for the crazy dog contingent to tell you that you are imposing some terrible injustice on your dh.

Hasn’t happened has it?

BlastedPimples · 06/05/2023 18:08

You both work full time and the dog can sometimes go with your dh but not always?

So sometimes the dog will be left alone all day?

That is one good reason not to get a dog.

I was tricked into getting a dog by my stbxh who said he'd walk it every day before work. Of course he didn't.

Don't get a dog. It's like another child.

anothername2d · 06/05/2023 18:09

just don't get a dog?

Clymene · 06/05/2023 18:12

I'm a crazy dog owner. Don't get a dog

FourTeaFallOut · 06/05/2023 18:13

Not all dog owners are crazy, just the crazy ones. You know, the ones that appear whenever there's a discussion about who to save in a fire, they're around.

JudyGemstone · 06/05/2023 18:13

maybe say you’ll discuss it again when the cats have died.

I don’t think it’s fair to your cats to get one now.

LovelyJublee · 06/05/2023 18:14

AdamRyan · 06/05/2023 17:53

Have you always said no dogs or changed your position over the years? I'm a dog person, exH initially said we would get a dog when we had the right house/time etc and then when that all happened he put his foot down and said no dog ever. I grew up with dogs and always,wanted one so felt betrayed. (I now have one).

I think its a bit unfair to say he can't have a dog, but I think it would be reasonable to say you won't do anything with the dog - make it clear it's his dog

The thing is, if he works outside the house and can't take the dog, then someone needs to be with it and if he plans on paying for doggy daycare then it's money from the household, if OP came home before him and finds pup has shit then she either has to clean it or have an unpleasant stench in her home if she leaves it for dh to clean. Taking kids for the day will fall to her unless he arranges day car for his time off too ,or maybe he plans to leave it alone for whole days from the start which isn't really ideal for many young dogs.

It's not unfair for OP to say no because it affects her too.

Sillymousse · 06/05/2023 18:14

At some point that dog will start becoming your responsibility (even if he says it won't) and you'll resent it (unless for some reason you fall in love with them but that's a big if).

Don't get a dog.

Original poster
cookiewoo · 06/05/2023 18:14

Thank you everyone for your responses, I really appreciate the feedback.

To Answer some of the questions:

He does work full time but is self employed so could take a dog to work with him a large majority of the time. It would never be left all day if he couldn’t take it with him (he works locally and very flexibly so could come back to it)

We never really discussed ever getting a dog earlier in our relationship. It’s something that has only come up in the last few years.

I have considered and even discussed with him, him getting a dog and it being ALL his responsibility but i don’t actually want this as it would still have a massive impact on me and family life and I know that set up wouldn’t work in reality.

I’m going to show him this thread so he can see these responses.

OP posts:
RetiredEarly · 06/05/2023 18:14

I find it interesting that he says he will train the dog and look after it but you have automatically assumed a lot (most?) of the responsibility will fall onto your shoulders…

HoldingTheDoor · 06/05/2023 18:14

Not all dog owners are crazy, just the crazy ones. You know, the ones that appear whenever there's a discussion about who to save in a fire, they're around.

Like the crazy animal haters who are usually the ones starting such crazy irrelevant imaginary scenario threads.

MillieOns · 06/05/2023 18:15

Stand your ground. Neither of you are in a position to provide a dog with the company, consideration and training a dog needs.

Daffodilwoman · 06/05/2023 18:16

Dh would like a dog. I have said absolutely not. We both work full time. Dh has admitted that he would not walk it every day. I have said that I won’t stop going on holiday for the sake of a dog.
We are not getting a dog.
In your case op you are scared if dogs. Just say no whenever your dh mentions it.
I cannot count the number of times friends of mine have been talked into getting a dog. Never their idea, promises that the dh or dcs will do all the walking and looking after it. In ever case it’s the woman who never wanted it who gets lumbered.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 06/05/2023 18:19

Do not get one.

there was a thread on here a while back about a woman who’s husband bullied her into getting one, it was a pain in the arse and making her life a misery, and the husband refused to get rid of it despite only having had it a few months and was talking about choosing it over his wife.

Don’t be bullied into that shit. A dog is a big commitment and both parties need to be on board

Rainpuddle · 06/05/2023 18:20

No trumps yes IMO when it comes to life changing events like babies/pets/moving to Australia etc

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/05/2023 18:20

FourTeaFallOut · 06/05/2023 18:13

Not all dog owners are crazy, just the crazy ones. You know, the ones that appear whenever there's a discussion about who to save in a fire, they're around.

No genuine dog lover would want a dog to live in a home with someone who doesn't want it. It's not fair on the dog to live like that, for starters.

Awrite · 06/05/2023 18:20

It's the opposite way round in our house.

Main reason for my wanting a dog is for dc2. He would love it and it would get him out of the house.

Anyway, although dh would like a dog, he doesn't want the commitment. So, it remains a 'no'.

I would never dream of holding it against dh though.

Hayliebells · 06/05/2023 18:22

YANBU. I’m a dog owner and dog lover, but I absolutely do not think you should get a dog. Mainly because your expectations of life with a dog sound spot on, and your husband sounds like he hasn’t got a clue. He says he desperately wants one, but he doesn’t seem to realise how much work they are. You’re probably right about the cats and the kids, and he’s probably wrong that training will be a breeze and it will all be terribly easy. If he gets one, having gone into it with such unrealistic expectations, he’ll probably start resenting the dog, and you definitely will!

BelindaBears · 06/05/2023 18:23

Do not get a dog. It sounds like it would have a negative impact on your life, and the idea you can just suck it up and have one living in your house and that’s ok because he’ll look after it is a total nonsense. Deal breaker for me.