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Original poster

Husband really wants a dog, I really don't want one. What to do?

114 replies

cookiewoo · 06/05/2023 17:32

DH and I have been together many years and have a great relationship. We’re both very chilled and easy going and get on well.
The biggest disagreement of our whole relationship is that he desperately wants a dog and I desperately don’t want one.

My reasons are (in no particular order), I have cats which I adore and mean a lot to me. Having a dog would make them very unhappy and I do not want to put them through that stress.

I am a scared of dogs. I got bitten as a kid so I have a fear. However, I’m generally fine with friends dogs that I know and trust but if dogs bark, jump up or run towards me, I find it very scary.

I do not want the commitment of a dog. We both work full time and I am out of the house most days. We have kids and life is busy. I don’t need anything else to have to deal with. We had a rabbit and even the commitment of that I found annoying (but the rabbit was well cared for!).

Cost - dogs aren’t cheap and whilst we could afford it, I’d rather the money went towards work we have to do to our house.

His reasons for wanting one, he wants a companion that he will bond with, that he can take out with him, be by his side. His work is much more flexible so he could sometimes take a dog with him, but not always.

He thinks our children will enjoy having a dog before they get to old (whilst they would enjoy it I have no doubt that the novelty would wear off).

He thinks that he will train it and it will be a breeze and it will fit into our lives easily and the cats and dog will end up living happily together. I think he is very unrealistic with these expectations.

He says that If the tables were turned, he would just let me get a dog, which he would, that’s just what he’s like. He likes me to be happy.

But, I just can’t budge on this and I know he he is starting to resent me a bit. We are at an absolute stalemate. I do feel bad as it is just me preventing him having the one thing he desperately wants, but I have zero interest in having a dog!

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?
Should I cave in? Would I regret it?

OP posts:

00100001 · 06/05/2023 20:50

Missingmyusername · 06/05/2023 19:25

“Maybe tell him to do a month long imaginary dog trial.”

But what if he does and then his prize is NOT getting a dog. Talk about resentment!

I love dogs and I have a dog. I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t- that simple. It would be a deal breaker.

Lol..he won't pass the trial don't worry.

SargentSagittarius · 06/05/2023 20:52

He thinks our children will enjoy having a dog before they get to old (whilst they would enjoy it I have no doubt that the novelty would wear off)

The novelty doesn’t wear off! They bond with it, and love it. Our kids are absolutely devoted to our dogs and that’s only grown over time.

That does not mean you should get a dog if you don’t want one.

They are a massive commitment, and there’s so much more involved than a cat or a rabbit.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 06/05/2023 20:54

I never had a pet. Was wary of dogs, allergic to many
But dh had a childhood dog. We got a small dog about 2 years ago and it's been fine. He is a dog parent, I'm more of a dog owner. He does walking etc.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dogs

Beautyhoard · 06/05/2023 21:31

Who wanted/got the cats?

Thistlelass · 06/05/2023 23:16

I think you should remove your cats and say no to a dog.

Livelovebehappy · 07/05/2023 10:19

OP, my adult daughter had a dog with a partner who worked from home. Relationship broke down, she works outside of her home, I work from home, guess who’s ended up with the dog? Yep. Me and a very reluctant husband. My daughter was going to re home it, but I had formed quite a strong attachment to him as I used to spend lots of time with her and the dog, so I just couldn’t see it re-homed. My husband massively resents the time we have to spend on the dog - walking him, not having the freedom to do things we like as much, without making sure we have care in place for him. I love the dog, and it enriches my life, but am constantly torn between trying to be a good dog owner and also keeping husband happy. It causes many arguments between us. So my advice would be not to get one if one of you is reluctant.

Spidey66 · 07/05/2023 10:22

I’m a dog owner and lover. Both of you have to be 100% on board or it won’t work.

ginghamstarfish · 07/05/2023 10:50

Yes you will regret it, and he should not be pressuring you. Nobody 'needs' a dog or any other pet. What's wrong with him that he can't go for a walk on his own, or 'bond' with his own family members? He sounds a bit pathetic for pestering you about this.

lljkk · 07/05/2023 11:00

I wanted dog, DH didn't. What's worse, he would have done more of the dog care. I'd have a dog like a shot but not if I had to do all the care.

I volunteered for CinTrust instead, and we fostered one of those CT dogs (which DH didn't mind).

So my suggestion is your husband signs up for CT if he wants regular doggo therapy & he can talk to local rescues about fostering if/when a suitable dog comes in. A lot of rescues wouldn't want a foster situation with cats in house, but some rescues would really like that opportunity because it gets dogs ready for family/home environments.

Our cats have adapted fine to dog visitors, actually it was good experience for them to learn about handling dogs.

Mythril · 07/05/2023 11:04

A little anecdote that highlights both a positive and a negative consequence of being forced to live with a dog:

My dad fell on hard times a few years ago and now lives with my sister. She has a little spaniel. My dad is both allergic and afraid of dogs, having been bitten in the past. He is home most of the day and so spends a lot of time with the spaniel. They totally fell in love. He cried when the spaniel developed a potentially serious health problem. Its all very sweet.

However. Because he was home all day, my dad would walk the spaniel. But having a dog attracts other dogs. And my dad is still afraid strange dogs he doesn't know. There were a few instances of my dad freaking out at people who's dogs reacted to his.

And very unfortunately one day the worst happened, a dog attacked the spaniel. Some injuries to both my dad and spaniel, the police were called, and it was my dad who almost got arrested because he was so distressed was apparently being aggressive to the police.

My sister has banned my dad from walking her dog, because he simply can't deal with interactions with other dogs and she doesn't want bad relationships with neighbours. The whole thing has been really stressful for everyone involved.

I guess the point is you would likely bond with any dog your DH got. But would he be conscious of your fear of all remaining dogs? Has he thought about this angle of things?

YouJustDoYou · 07/05/2023 11:08

I have maybe 7 friends with kids who all got dogs, and every single set of friends said they regret it and wish they hadn't got the dog, as lovely as the dogs are. They hate the tie, and the fact the dog is just another kid that doesn't grow up.

My dh is the same and I absolutely refuse to get a dog again. My last little dog was my best friend but I was tethered to a life with him as he was needy, had seperation anxiety etc. I have kids now and a dog is like another kid, just one that needs constant looking after and doesn't grow up. My cat is awesome - I've never had cats before but I've fallen hard for her, she's a typical independent cat, looks after herself, is easy to care for - I can't believe how easily she slotted into our lives. But a dog would wreck everything, as much as I love them I just couldn't be tied to a creature like that again. It would end up me having to walk the thing twice a day, me having to clean up the crap, train it, deal with other dog walkers etc, plus I couldn't ever fully trust it around the kids. And what if I ended up with another dog that got seperation anxiety? Or one that developed a fear of other dogs/people/my kids? I couldn't get rid of the dog, and would be stuck with it for the next 15 years. Just no, no way. Don't budge on it op.

Polis · 07/05/2023 11:09

I want a dog but my husband doesn't. I've told him that I'll get one when he dies.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/05/2023 11:12

No. Can he volunteer to walk a friend’s/neighbour’s?

YouJustDoYou · 07/05/2023 11:12

Thistlelass · 06/05/2023 23:16

I think you should remove your cats and say no to a dog.

Why should she remove the cats?? Weird thing to say.

rookiemere · 07/05/2023 11:19

Another bone of contention.

DH got the dog on the basis he would take dog away on his walking weekends, but dog has to stay on lead because of sheep and pulls DH so it's not as much fun. He regrets getting ddog and would probably cut his losses if it wasn't for me telling him that we have the dog for life and need to look after him.

I put my foot down when he attempted to go on his first weekend away after lockdown without ddog and sometimes if he is away climbing the dog will go to the dog sitter instead of me having to look after him - but this costs quite a lot and means we have less money for other things.

Today DH is off all day for a specific hobby that he can't bring dog to ( it's not cycling before anyone asks). If it wasn't for dog I would have a nice day tootling around, but instead it will have to be focused around the dogs needs. I feel resentful of DH, when instead if we didn't have dog I would be pleased he had a new hobby.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2023 11:22

Why does he say he wants a companion he can bond with and spend time with out of the house when he has children?

How often is he out of the house with them? Without you I mean. How often is he at home with them while you are out or away?

Furrydogmum · 07/05/2023 11:36

Not wanting a dog is reason enough. Don't try to justify yourself as that just opens up discussion. My DH didn't want dogs, he'd never had one and didn't see himself as a dog person. I accepted that and we didn't have a dog for the first 14 years of marriage. We do now but it was his choice, I'm glad we do, but I didn't pressure him, he grew into the idea.

Snowpaw · 07/05/2023 11:46

Could he perhaps volunteer at a dog sanctuary or something, helping them walk the dogs, that kind of thing? To get his dog fix?

I am a very non-dog person too. It would literally be a deal breaker to have to live in a house with a dog. I do know some nice dogs, but I wouldn't want to live with one. I REALLY can't stand dog poo, or the worry that smears of poo might be on the garden grass where I like to walk barefoot and my daughter plays. I like to do my own type of exercise when I choose, not when a dog needs it.

MagicSpring · 07/05/2023 12:56

My DH was keener to get a dog than I was.

Five years on, predictably, he’s very much my dog. Less predictably, he’s a great pleasure to me and the walking has probably kept me sane.

But DH tends even now to say airily’He’ll be fine, stop worrying so much,’ and then I go away for the weekend and get a guilty phone call saying ‘The dog ate chocolate/raisins/cat litter/your shoe, sorry.’

We spend a lot at the vets, and it’s rarely on my watch.

mischlerischler · 07/05/2023 13:04

We have a dog and he is the best, but I would not get one unless everyone in the family would be on board.

They are a huge responsibility and commitment.

Even if your husband takes full responsibility, you'll of course be impacted too (e.g. if you go on holidays you either need to find a dog friendly places or get a dog sitter / dog hotel which is quite pricey).

AndrexPuppy · 07/05/2023 13:12

If one of you doesn’t want a dog as much as you don’t want one and even has an active fear of them, you don’t get a dog. I say that as a (borderline obsessive) dog owner. They are fantastic and can enrich your life in many, unexpected ways BUT they are a huge tie, a ‘good dog’ that is emotionally well balanced, trained, bonded to you but still has spirit and personality takes time and is a lifetime’s work. They rely on you for everything. They’re not a great idea if you both work FT either (I know that’s not a popular opinion but there you go. Everyone in the household has to be ‘in’.

Epicstorm · 07/05/2023 13:16

AdamRyan
I think its a bit unfair to say he can't have a dog, but I think it would be reasonable to say you won't do anything with the dog - make it clear it's his dog.

It’s not that simple. DH told me he would never be without a dog before we were married and I accepted that and he’s always had one.

However it impacts on me in other ways. He hates leaving the dog so is reluctant to leave him if we go away. If he does agree I know he’s hating it.

If you take it with you it restricts what you can do. Can’t take it everywhere and can’t leave it in the car in summer for example.

Hurrying back home because the dogs been left.

More mess/hairs definitely.

My husband has had a lot of ill health over the past year and hasn’t been up to walking the dog so that’s another issue.

I also often think what it would be like if anything happened to him and I was left with a dog I didn’t want the responsibility for. I couldn’t rehome him. It wouldn’t be fair especially as the current dog a rescue anyway. I do care about the dog and animals in general. I just prefer not to own one.

I feel for you (and your husband) but I wouldn’t agree in your situation.

ReadersD1gest · 07/05/2023 13:18

Don't get a dog. You simply can't force someone to live with an animal they dislike. We have dogs, we loved! love dogs, but to be honest if I could go back I wouldn't do it again.
They are a huge time commitment. For all the joy they brought, our lives have been more constrained by having them than I could have ever imagined.

CharlottenBerg · 07/05/2023 13:20

BMW6 · 06/05/2023 17:39

Then you don't get a dog. It's the same as choosing whether to have a child or not - if one person doesn't want to then that's the end of it.

How there could be any other answer is a mystery to me.

rookiemere · 07/05/2023 13:25

@Epicstorm "I also often think what it would be like if anything happened to him and I was left with a dog I didn’t want the responsibility for. I couldn’t rehome him. It wouldn’t be fair especially as the current dog a rescue anyway. I do care about the dog and animals in general. I just prefer not to own one. "

I worry about this a lot. Rookiedog is very hale and hearty, I've no idea what I would do if DH passed away or was seriously ill. He's a big dog and needs around 2 hours walking per day, also a mumsnet hated cross breed and very hale and hearty, so likely to last for many years - as is DH I hope .

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