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Original poster

Husband really wants a dog, I really don't want one. What to do?

114 replies

cookiewoo · 06/05/2023 17:32

DH and I have been together many years and have a great relationship. We’re both very chilled and easy going and get on well.
The biggest disagreement of our whole relationship is that he desperately wants a dog and I desperately don’t want one.

My reasons are (in no particular order), I have cats which I adore and mean a lot to me. Having a dog would make them very unhappy and I do not want to put them through that stress.

I am a scared of dogs. I got bitten as a kid so I have a fear. However, I’m generally fine with friends dogs that I know and trust but if dogs bark, jump up or run towards me, I find it very scary.

I do not want the commitment of a dog. We both work full time and I am out of the house most days. We have kids and life is busy. I don’t need anything else to have to deal with. We had a rabbit and even the commitment of that I found annoying (but the rabbit was well cared for!).

Cost - dogs aren’t cheap and whilst we could afford it, I’d rather the money went towards work we have to do to our house.

His reasons for wanting one, he wants a companion that he will bond with, that he can take out with him, be by his side. His work is much more flexible so he could sometimes take a dog with him, but not always.

He thinks our children will enjoy having a dog before they get to old (whilst they would enjoy it I have no doubt that the novelty would wear off).

He thinks that he will train it and it will be a breeze and it will fit into our lives easily and the cats and dog will end up living happily together. I think he is very unrealistic with these expectations.

He says that If the tables were turned, he would just let me get a dog, which he would, that’s just what he’s like. He likes me to be happy.

But, I just can’t budge on this and I know he he is starting to resent me a bit. We are at an absolute stalemate. I do feel bad as it is just me preventing him having the one thing he desperately wants, but I have zero interest in having a dog!

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?
Should I cave in? Would I regret it?

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiewoo · 06/05/2023 18:24

Fortunately, he is not putting any pressure on me at all but I know this is something that he would really like and I am the one thing stopping it happen. Reading your replies has reassured me that I am doing the right thing not budging on this.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 06/05/2023 18:25

We had the same situation and bought a non-shedding, non dribbling, trainable mid-size dog who got along with cats from a breeder who also trains therapy dogs. I am also not a dog person and we have a lovely cat. I did train the dog though and he is exceptionally obedient - especially when I have ham!

He's okay, he is DH's responsibility completely, so if there is clash of commitments on a day, he needs to ask me in advance to dogsit or he takes the hit. We also have a dog sitter once a week. The kids love the dog, but we have to have a rota to walk him and they aren't overly enthusiastic.

It's fine. he's cute, I love all animals, but I wouldn't have another dog again.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 06/05/2023 18:25

And actually I would quite like a dog but because my husband doesn’t we won’t be getting one and I’m fine with that

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dogs
autienotnaughtym · 06/05/2023 18:25

Do not get one. A new dog is like a toddler. So much work. Only do it if you both want it.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 06/05/2023 18:34

No, every member of the household needs to be on board and up for the work they bring.

Dogs take more thought than children imo because they're not as portable as children. You have to consider long days out the house, holiday cover, daily exercise, ongoing training, problems that arise along the way yes neighbour with the constantly barking dog, I'm looking at you here!

Its hard for him if it's something he really wants to experience, but if its a no from you then there's no dog. Maybe you could discuss all the things you are able to do BECAUSE you're not having a dog??

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 06/05/2023 18:36

Unless you both really want a dog, you absolutely do not get a dog. It's that simple.

AlwaysGinPlease · 06/05/2023 18:36

Do NOT! A dog should only ever come into a loving home where all the family want one. Your husband is being selfish.

Burnamer · 06/05/2023 18:49

Don’t. It’s really unfair on you. A dog is a member of the family and has as much impact on another person coming into the house. It would be insane to suggest that one of you would get to get to inflict that on the other without full consent. This is no different.

00100001 · 06/05/2023 18:53

cookiewoo · 06/05/2023 18:24

Fortunately, he is not putting any pressure on me at all but I know this is something that he would really like and I am the one thing stopping it happen. Reading your replies has reassured me that I am doing the right thing not budging on this.

Maybe tell him to do a month long imaginary dog trial.

He has to go for a 25 minute walk twice a day, every day for a month, without fail. Then every single day he couldn't take a theoretical dog with him to work, he has to return home for 30 minutes or so to attend to the dog. And for the month of having an imaginary dog, he absolutely must make sure it's never left alone for more than 6 hours,and so if DH has to cancel plans or leave early. The so be it.
Also, as part of the month long trial, be has to get up every few hours to let the puppy out for a wee.
He has to also do extra housework too. So now he mops/hoover more than usual.
Oh, and he has to find time to go to puppy training classes and build on that training.

See if he likes it so much then.

Mary46 · 06/05/2023 18:53

NO. Big commitment. We have a dog op. I love him but I do most of the work. They a huge commitment.

Galectable · 06/05/2023 18:57

Can you find a neighbour with a dog that your husband can hang out with sometimes? Many dog owners would appreciate help walking their dogs. Or he could volunteer at a shelter if there's one in your area. That may satisfy him. My friend's husband got a dog for all the reasons you describe but it was too much work so they rehomed him. He went to a much more suitable place with a committed retired dog owner.

ThePensivePig · 06/05/2023 18:59

As others have said, getting a dog is not the right choice for your family. Could your DH volunteer for an organisation like the Cinnamon Trust? Volunteers can walk dogs belonging to older people or those with health or mobility problems. That way he can get his doggy fix without the commitment.

DrunkLineDancing · 06/05/2023 19:01

I think everyone in the house, definitely the adults, have to be on board with getting a dog as it impacts everyone.

I love dogs and all animals and wouldn’t have got into a relationship with someone who wasn’t ok with having animals.

If it means that much to your husband, he shouldn’t have committed to you. Now he has, it’s a sacrifice he has to make if he wants to remain with you.

mycatsanutter · 06/05/2023 19:03

Big no , everyone has to be on board 100% they are a massive commitment. Our dog died very suddenly in the first lock down we were devastated. My dh wanted another dog within a couple of months , but I wasn't ready . After a few months I felt really guilty as he was going for long walks by himself when I knew he would have loved to have gone with a dog. I asked him what if I was never ready and he replied ' then we won't have another dog ' . And he was right I had to be ready , a dog has to be wanted by everyone in the house. If you will never be ready or want one then it's a no and he needs to borrow one for walks.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/05/2023 19:09

What about promising he can get a dog that you both agree on when it comes to retirement?
Sort would hopefully be a size and breed you are happy with, they children will be grown and he will have all the timein the world to put into caring and training?

TheProvincialLady · 06/05/2023 19:11

It’s funny that your husband wants you to be happy so would let you have a dog if he didn’t want one. But he doesn’t want you to be so happy that you don’t have to have a dog when you don’t want one.

tailinthejam · 06/05/2023 19:12

This all boils down to one thing in my opinion. Cats.

There are cats living in the house, and bringing a dog into their safe space would have a huge negative impact on their lives, and be really distressing and stressful for them.

Their needs should come first. Perhaps your DH could wait a number of years until the cats have passed on, and then you could discuss the matter of having a dog again then. That way you aren't saying a flat no to having a dog, and he might see the logical sense in waiting.

Doje · 06/05/2023 19:18

Stick to your guns OP. I wanted a dog my whole life and only because DH was totally on board did we get one and every week I'm so glad he is.

They're a massive, loooong commitment that affect your day to day decisions, as well as weekend plans and holidays. He brings so much joy to our family (DH and the dog! 😄) but it has been hard work at times and I couldn't have lived with myself if I knew DH didn't want the him 100% too.

Missingmyusername · 06/05/2023 19:25

“Maybe tell him to do a month long imaginary dog trial.”

But what if he does and then his prize is NOT getting a dog. Talk about resentment!

I love dogs and I have a dog. I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t- that simple. It would be a deal breaker.

BreadInCaptivity · 06/05/2023 19:57

He is being unreasonable.

A dog is a family investment in terms of money, time and lifestyle (say farewell to impromptu family weekends away for example).

It's simply not acceptable to impose this on someone unwilling (for the person or the dog) whatever their reasons.

I'm also highly skeptical given the experience of some friends where the husband says it will be their dog and they will do all the work.

Essentially that seems to result in 6 months of them looking after the dog at the expense of everything else (so wife picks up the slack - hardly meaning the dog won't be more work for her) and the hen slowly it just becomes another extension of wife work in organising life around the dog and ending up looking after it anyway.

Ultimately you both work full time, with children, already have cats and it sounds to me like he's unrealistic about your ability to properly look after a dog at this stage in your life anyway.

Don't feel bad about holding your ground. He should feel bad about not accepting your very reasonable reasons why you don't want one.

Ansjovis · 06/05/2023 20:13

This is a "no is a complete sentence" post if ever there was one. I am in the same position, scared of dogs after being chased and bitten by one and I would never, ever agree to have one in my house. If my husband decided that he absolutely must have a dog I would be informing him that we would no longer be living together.

I say hold firm in your position.

HazelBite · 06/05/2023 20:25

I've always wanted a dog, but never have had a lifestyle compatible with being a dog owner, so I've always had cats. When adult DS lived nearby I used to "mind" and walk his dog and the cats grew to accept the dog, (she just ignored the cats).
Missing the dog when DS moved away I now walk a delightful dog for an elderly neighbour, who has developed mobility issues.
There are plenty of organisations like the Cinnamon trust and Borrow my Doggy, or your local vets might know someone who needs help with their dog.
Try and persuade him to "borrow" a dog, to own one full time is a real committment that the whole family must be on board with. I would even suggest that the OP possibly helps with the "borrowing" to get over her fear and dislike of dogs, they can be such lovely companions and she may change her mind!

Sillymousse · 06/05/2023 20:26

00100001 · 06/05/2023 18:53

Maybe tell him to do a month long imaginary dog trial.

He has to go for a 25 minute walk twice a day, every day for a month, without fail. Then every single day he couldn't take a theoretical dog with him to work, he has to return home for 30 minutes or so to attend to the dog. And for the month of having an imaginary dog, he absolutely must make sure it's never left alone for more than 6 hours,and so if DH has to cancel plans or leave early. The so be it.
Also, as part of the month long trial, be has to get up every few hours to let the puppy out for a wee.
He has to also do extra housework too. So now he mops/hoover more than usual.
Oh, and he has to find time to go to puppy training classes and build on that training.

See if he likes it so much then.

Show quote history

Make that every two or three hours for a puppy not being left alone.

MeinKraft · 06/05/2023 20:41

Dogs are like babies. The person who doesn't want one trumps the person who does. It's not in the best interest of the dog/baby to push for it when they aren't totally wanted.

carly2803 · 06/05/2023 20:43

i think all your reasons are utter crap except "i dont want one".

thats enough to not get one!! I love my dogs but my god they are such a tie