How long would it take you or your DH to recover from jet lag? Not sure if iabu

[Endlessdark]

DH went to that me states for a month for work. He was working quite long hours, a few midnight finishes (and even later on a couple of occasions), however did have later starts (11am) and weekends off. I’ve been on my own with our two dds (1 & 4) for the whole month which has been relentless. Both wake up frequently through the night and dd4 is often away for an hour or two (currently waiting to be assessed for ASD).

so he got back on Friday morning. Not a single lie in for me although he had promised. He’s spent most of the time moping around, sleeping or sitting on his laptop. I’m absolutely shattered. This morning I asked him if he could wake up and sort their breakfast while I have an extra hour and he shouted at me. Said he was never going away again. He was in New York so the time difference is 5 hours, how long is reasonable to expect him to be involved in family life?

He’s swinging the lead. I’m ex cabin crew and 6 hours time difference when you’ve just sat on the plane doing nothing is complete horse shit. He’s making excuses.

within 48 hours

You might feel crap for days, but to just lean into it by sleeping, lazing about and generally carrying on like he is will just prolong it all.

FWIW I am a lone parent and have travelled further than NY also for weeks/over a month. Guess what I do when I get back knackered and have sole care of my kids? Clean my house, unpack, open all the mail and deal with it, try and salvage things in the garden, start washing and drying, put away food order, push the kids into routines to help them feel less jetlagged, and prepare get back to work. I might be a bit rough for a few days, but I don’t get a holiday on top to recover from being away. Only an entitled slob would think they can just let the time difference become issue become some kind of lifestyle.

This would be pathetic at the best of times, but you’ve been complete alone with a baby and little one. He’s awful.

I've never had an issue with jet lag, I can't sleep on flights so the first day I just force myself into the new pattern of that place and all is well. After having the kids alone for a month I'd have expected him to jump straight back into it to help you!

I don't suffer with jet lag. I've been a lone parent my entire life and I've taken DS both east and west. I don't get to opt out of parenting!

"Being an arse" is the term that comes to my mind.

fwiw, It can take me a week or longer to get over jetlag. But I'm not an arse.

If I'm there for more than a couple of weeks and working long hours I would need a week - then recover the next weekend. But as a parent I used to try to do stuff with the kids anyway. Is he trying to get over it this weekend so he is OK foe the week ahead (I.e. work).

From the US (Washington) it took me about 5 days to get back to the normal sleep pattern, but I didn’t have to sleep ALL THE TIME! It just meant that it took me a while to get used to normalise mornings and evenings.

I adjust the time to that of the destination when I get on the plane. So don't really get jet lagged, but the hour change in march and October really affect me.

My DH travels constantly (usually half the month) and he only struggles for the day he arrives home and the day after.

It's just about being disciplined with bedtimes and no naps etc

P.S he travels all over with varying time differences so it's not as though he is in a routine.

He’s just being a dick. Sounds like he enjoyed opting out for a month and doesn’t want to re-engage with family life.

It’s just your basic, bog-standard silencing tactic, and it’s working - you’re silenced, right?

He wants you to be quiet (I’m sure he’s thinking more along the lines of ‘STFU’), stop whining, and get on with it.

Is that how you want to live?

You could try to talk to him, not off the back of an argument, but at at time when you’re both relaxed - but something tells me he’ll just go straight into his usual MO anyway.

This isn’t about you wanting him to do your job.

This is about you wanting him to co-parent during the hours when you’re BOTH on duty.

You could equally fire back - ‘fine, I’ll only do my job from 9-5 (or whatever hours he does), and down tools just like you, and the kids can parent themselves after that time. Does that suit you?’

Ask him who he thinks is responsible for parenting his children?

Is it only you?

If so, why?

He knows he’s in the wrong, so he comes out swinging to shut you up.

You’ll see I’ve positioned how to respond to him as a series of questions. Don’t be silenced. Put him in the hot seat, and get him to explain himself, and why he thinks opting out of parenting and family life is actually in any way acceptable.

Just a reminder: his behaviour is not normal, or OK. I don’t know any men like this in my social circle. Believe me, I know there are men like this out there. And there’s a reason none are in my acquaintance. They’re arse-wipes, so who’d want to spend time with them?

I agree that he’s opting out of family life and tbh it’s been this way for a long time. Since I was pregnant with dd2. With dd1 he wasn’t around very often as travelled a lot for work but covid changed that and his travel was significantly reduced. I’ve asked him to leave but he won’t, there’s not much I can do about that I don’t think. He just brings a bit of a dark cloud, even my friend told me today I seem to be a bit down/ foggy headed and it’s true, I really do. He thinks he’s so important, he’s constantly telling me no one I know works as hard as him, no one I know can do what he does yadda yadda. He’s so amazing because he doesn’t drink alcohol and go out in a Friday night apparently I’m so lucky and no other man is like this. Just feeling very low. I hoped things would be good when he got back as he frequently mentioned missing us etc, but it’s just the same as before if not worse. I get zero time for myself, and whilst I adore my girls, I was not made to be a stay at home parent.

Sorry he's being a completely shit parent.

Perhaps you just start divorce proceedings.

I’d respond with:”Excellent, please see that you do - I’ve been itching to get back in the game and since you obviously can’t handle a big job - it makes sense that you do something better suited to your needs and let me handle that bit.’ I bet you whatever you want that he’ll backpedal faster than you can say ‘douchebag’.

I travel frequently to both East and West Coast for work. Last time I had a 2w stint in San Francisco - landed Friday morning and immediately jumped into parenting. I was tired but I missed my child and husband way more than that.

He was in NYC?! From what you described I assumed he had been on the West coast!!!!!

Tell him to MTF up and parent.

Tbh. Sounds like he has the post trip blues. Talk to him about what he did over there. How he felt being away.

He may feel disconnected. In which case he needs to jump in and get on with getting on with the duties in hand.

On the other hand perhaps he enjoyed the alone time and now feels guilty. Or worse perhaps he had a fling whilst lonely and can't cope....

Either way. I'd be furious if I was you. He should have Been trying over the weekend.

Does he normally wallow in self pity?

I'm sorry he is a douchebag

Time for you to see a lawyer and get that separation sorted. Do you have an exit plan and emergency leaving fund?
Get it sorted asap before he sucks the the life out of you and your kids.

I'm sorry OP he is being a complete dick, I'm currently in OZ. Our teams move between here, the UK and Asia. Depending on what time they land (night flight for example) they are often in the office in the morning. Or vice versa land in the morning, come in the afternoon.
It's makes you feel a bit shit, but you don't need to sleep for days. Unless he has been hitting it particularly hard whilst he is away. (Corporate credit card coke and strippers, would do that to you)
I know plenty of people, me included have done 'quick trips home' felt sick the whole time but managed a normal routine with lots of exercise, fresh air and caffeine. That seems to me like he's been on a massive bender...
Think about the amount of times you've been up all night with kids, and still functioned / worked the next day. YANBI at all !!!

Plus if he is really so 'big and important' he'll be flown business or PE. So he should have slept on the flight....being a bit of a bitch there. But just pointing it out.
Lots of companies have a policy of being able to book businesses for flights above 8
Hours. Demonstrating that UK to NY isn't as big as a deal travel wise as he is making it out to be !!

This infuriated me to read!

I’m not an expert, but I’d call this undermining/ dismissing your concerns via sarcasm.

counselling or split, I think.

Well he may still be jet lagged but I’d expect him to be joining parenting again within 24 hours and ideally after 48 solo parenting for a bit so that you can have a day off!

That’s out of order. Even if he is still jet lagged which I very much doubt now, he’s not taking you into consideration at all. He needs to get over it and stop being a baby and realise he’s had it easy the last month compared to you!

He just sounds like a horrible husband from your updates. The jet lag bullshit is just a symptom of it. I’d be looking at an exit strategy, because he doesn’t consider you or the children now while you’re ‘together’ a split will be unpleasant. You don’t deserve to spend the next 5-10-15-20 years in misery. Get out while you still have your sanity. I left my divorce way too long because he was such a difficult man I couldn’t face it - just made it more stressful in the long run. You’re essentially a lone parent anyway by the sounds of it, and if he’s so wealthy and important with such a great job, he can contribute to his children fairly when you split.