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Original poster

How much notice of your death do you want? Months? weeks? days? hours?

77 replies

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 15:55

I always think I want months, but actually I am not sure. I think what I want is to be assured it wont be this month, or next month. If I was actually told I only had months left, I would probably be quite upset. But I do want time to prepare.

By prepare, I dont just mean wills and POA etc, which is already in place, I mean shred paperwork, clear wardrobe, etc, not leave a mess behind, although I still want those clothes and paperwork and mess right now

I have known 2 people die mid sentence in normal, cheery, everyday conversations, with no warning. I think it was lovely for them. But they didn't have time to prepare.

So I guess, what I actually want is to be told something like "you probably wont make it to 5 years" so I can get prepared, while still thinking long term and enjoying life, then popping off suddenly, maybe in my sleep, with no warning.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/04/2023 16:03

I'd like at least a year. Currently mid 40s and I'm already working through my copy of the "The Gentle art of Swedish Death cleaning" by Margareta Magusson attempting to organise things better and generally declutter. Also trying to tick off places and experiences as we go, would hate to have regrets about things I hadn't done.

Reasonableadjustments · 30/04/2023 16:07

Any notice is shit. Shit for the person and shit for their family. It is beyond crap to watch a family member have a long lingering death.

lelena · 30/04/2023 16:09

I want to be gone before I know it. Ideally hit by a meteor.

Floralnomad · 30/04/2023 16:11

None , I want a massive heart attack or something that takes me straight out .

Gothambutnotahamster · 30/04/2023 16:12

Me too @Floralnomad

Mammyloveswine · 30/04/2023 16:12

Reasonableadjustments · 30/04/2023 16:07

Any notice is shit. Shit for the person and shit for their family. It is beyond crap to watch a family member have a long lingering death.

I don't know.. my mam dropped down dead suddenly and the shock was just horrific..,never had chance to say goodbye..

Also due to the time of year she died and needing an autopsy we couldn't see her in the funeral home..

It was horrific.

Reasonableadjustments · 30/04/2023 16:12

Quite upset doesn't even come close to how my mother felt when she was told she had months op.

Hbh17 · 30/04/2023 16:13

None. Ideally I'd die in my sleep or just drop dead unexpectedly. I don't care when it is - tonight woukd be fine, because once I'm actually dead it won't matter. I just hope it will be before I get very old or sick, because I really have no intention of putting myself through months and years of medical treatment - that would be a weird combo of stressful and tedious!

casingchars · 30/04/2023 16:14

As much notice as possible, but with the caveat that I would also know the exact circumstances, date, and time. (eg, Ielena's meteor will hit you while you're making dinner on the third Sunday in March, 2047) In the meantime I'd prepare (I don't want to leave hassle behind for loved ones) and I'd make sure to live that time to the fullest.

Roundandnour · 30/04/2023 16:14

None.
I routinely get rid of clutter that other people would be left to deal with.

wjen it gets to point of told how long I have left, I want to be making happy memories with those around me. Not stuck at home dealing with my impending death

GalileoHumpkins · 30/04/2023 16:14

I'd really rather not know in advance! My mum died of kidney failure, it took four weeks from being told her kidneys were failing to her dying. She was thankfully unaware most of the time but for the rest of us, it was horrendous.

Reasonableadjustments · 30/04/2023 16:14

@Mammyloveswine I'm sorry that happened to your mum.

I've had both in my family - I nursed my mother for almost 2 years and I have had another close family member who just dropped dead with a heart attack.

I'd go for the heart attack any day of the week.

The lingering months is not pleasant. Not at all. My mother suffered terribly her pain could not be got under control and she had no dignity or quality of life. It was awful for the whole family and caused so much stress I can't even describe it.

I'm sorry for your loss, again.

ssd · 30/04/2023 16:14

I want to go in my sleep

DustyLee123 · 30/04/2023 16:15

A relative of mine was recently given 6 months and the shock/upset was hard to watch. She actually went after 3.

katyperryseyelid · 30/04/2023 16:17

None.

I would like to live to my 90s, healthy, living independently and with my mind fully intact.

I’d would like to go to bed one night and never wake up.

Thats what happened to my grandmother. She had spent an afternoon eating cake and drinking wine with two of her children. They took her home and she went to bed.

Never woke up. My dad found her two days later, he said she looked really peaceful.

But anything quick. Three years of my childhood were spent witnessing my mothers cancer, horrible treatments and a painful death. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Walrussy · 30/04/2023 16:17

None, but I suspect most of us aren't that lucky. I wish they'd bring in assisted dying though. I'd feel much better about dying if I knew that was an option.

Original poster
Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:18

I had a relative who was told they were terminally ill, but might live for 5 years, in the event they lived happily for about 3 years then died suddenly, I think they lost consciousness after only a few hours of sudden deterioration, and died a few hours later. I think that would be ok. They had time to say goodbye, but didn't suffer long at the end

OP posts:
Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 30/04/2023 16:18

Floralnomad · 30/04/2023 16:11

None , I want a massive heart attack or something that takes me straight out .

Yes, no notice please. In my sleep if possible.

Reasonableadjustments · 30/04/2023 16:19

@Nimbostratus100 have you ever had a close family member have a lingering painful death?

ForestofBears · 30/04/2023 16:20

DH just dropped dead one day. Maybe it would have been nice to have time to say goodbye, but I am glad for him that he didn’t know, spent the day doing things he enjoyed, wasn’t in any pain as far as anyone knows and didn’t have to face a long deterioration of his health and ability to do things. I would like the same. I should probably tidy up a bit first though so my family don’t have to deal with the mess and chaos of the house, but when you are dead you don’t have to care about that anymore.

Original poster
Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:20

katyperryseyelid · 30/04/2023 16:17

None.

I would like to live to my 90s, healthy, living independently and with my mind fully intact.

I’d would like to go to bed one night and never wake up.

Thats what happened to my grandmother. She had spent an afternoon eating cake and drinking wine with two of her children. They took her home and she went to bed.

Never woke up. My dad found her two days later, he said she looked really peaceful.

But anything quick. Three years of my childhood were spent witnessing my mothers cancer, horrible treatments and a painful death. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

I also had a relative who was fit and independent until late 90s, lived alone, didn't retire until in her 80s! SHe woke up one night and called an ambulance, then wrote a letter to her son reminding him where to bury her, and was dead before the ambulance arrived. That seemed like quite a nice way to go

OP posts:
MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 30/04/2023 16:21

To be actively dying for the remaining time is dreadful, my mother was just beside herself once she got her prognosis and it was so hard to support her because she was so so angry. I wouldn't mind being given an expected expiration date as long as I was in good health to that point.
If I leave a mess, so be it, I shall be attempting not to. However, my bff is under strict instructions that as soon as she knows I'm gone, some bits are for her to sort out rather than DD, there are some things DD doesn't need to deal with.

Original poster
Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:21

Reasonableadjustments · 30/04/2023 16:19

@Nimbostratus100 have you ever had a close family member have a lingering painful death?

yes, many, and had relatives killed by violence and accidents too, and have cancer myself too, and a 50% chance of being cured

OP posts:
KingSpaniel · 30/04/2023 16:23

@Dinosauratemydaffodils i was looking at that book - is it a general declutter book rather than a “near death” book? I’m interested 😊

Reasonableadjustments · 30/04/2023 16:25

Why would you wish a long period in pain on anyone? I don't understand that.