How much notice of your death do you want? Months? weeks? days? hours?

[Nimbostratus100]

I always think I want months, but actually I am not sure. I think what I want is to be assured it wont be this month, or next month. If I was actually told I only had months left, I would probably be quite upset. But I do want time to prepare.

By prepare, I dont just mean wills and POA etc, which is already in place, I mean shred paperwork, clear wardrobe, etc, not leave a mess behind, although I still want those clothes and paperwork and mess right now

I have known 2 people die mid sentence in normal, cheery, everyday conversations, with no warning. I think it was lovely for them. But they didn't have time to prepare.

So I guess, what I actually want is to be told something like "you probably wont make it to 5 years" so I can get prepared, while still thinking long term and enjoying life, then popping off suddenly, maybe in my sleep, with no warning.

Yes this is my hypothetical answer, to know but in a"read your future" way bout a lingering death.

November 12th, 2062. Heart attack, instant.

December 31st, 2053. Cancer. 3 months. Would I end it sooner if I knew definitively?

February 5th, 2027. Water ski accident, three days. Of course this one gets a bit final destination. OK so I'll just not go on holiday that month, and I'll stay at home all week. Then what, destiny? ,

Me too, I would want to know

DH was actively dying for weeks. It was fucking crap, there are no words to describe how awful it was for him. Watching him die was just awful, he didn't have time to say what he wanted because a stroke robbed him of just about everything. I would be happy to take the drop down dead method.

Days. Enough to say goodbye but no more.

I would feel really bad leaving loads of junk for my DCs (or DH and even DM if it's soon) to sort out. I would want enough notice to get things sorted.

We (DB and I) recently tried to sort out our DF's stuff for a potential move to a smaller property with fewer stairs and it was so hard to weed out even a tiny amount of stuff (and he's in his mid-80s so we are worried he might have a fall, his house has stairs to both loos and you can't install stair lifts due to the fragile stairs) so perhaps I'd rather he just went suddenly so he's not around to tell us I STILL WANT TO USE THAT and COUSIN X WILL TAKE THAT HE DEFINITELY SAID HE WILL AS IT'S FAMILY STUFF (Cousin X isn't related to the person who DF inherited it from).

Why are you laughing @Nimbostratus100 ?

Watching my mother die over 2 years was without any shadow of a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I still have nightmares and it's 10 years tomorrow

My mum got her terminal cancer diagnosis 3 weeks before death. I've always said it was quite a good timeframe. Didn't have to see her suffer and struggle through failed treatment, but didn't get the total shock of death in car crash or something. Time enough to start getting my head around it.

In in my forties and far too emotional to read this. Can you give me the jist? I have young kids. Even the thought of not being there for them is terrible.

Difficult question. I’d be happy to die in an instant, no warning, if I wasn’t my mother’s carer and didn’t have two cats (and frankly their welfare would worry me more; there are humans who would be concerned for Mum and she’d be in no danger of ending up in a shelter). With them all, I’d probably need months to make the arrangements (nursing home and adoption).

None at all, thanks. One parent died of cancer, the other with advanced dementia, having had it for maybe 15 years.

I used to ‘envy’ a SiL, whose previously healthy father dropped dead of a heart attack, and whose ditto mother died of a massive stroke, while in the middle of eating her breakfast toast.
Both were in their 80s.
OK, a shock for those left behind, but surely so much better than long drawn-out deaths.

As for ‘death cleaning’, apart from having sorted out wills and Ps of A, and told dds where to find paperwork, as far as I’m concerned (and I’ve told them) take or put labels on anything you want to keep (or sell - I’ve made a list of anything at all valuable) - and get a house clearance firm in to get rid of the rest. We don’t have massive amounts of clutter, but it’ll be more than enough to deal with.

I do like the idea of Swedish death cleaning where you prepare your life/ home/ paperwork even if you’re not dying.

I've mentioned this to DH, especially regarding the garage and outbuilding contents, he seems to be ignoring it...

2 months would be about right for me.
I'm a planner & would much prefer opportunity to make plans and arrangements and help my loved ones adapt to idea.
Death without fear would be my ideal.

But there seem to be two questions being answered here. The first is the manner of dying, I don’t think anyone would ‘choose’ a painful and / or lingering death ( although many people do embrace treatments with terrible ‘side effects’ in the hope of prolonging their life).

The second is the issue of preparedness. The Bible says ‘ in the midst of life, we are in death’ . I am old, so I am rather more aware of this than in my carefree times. What I take this to mean is that we should try to be ready to face our ending, practically with clutter ( I also have a garage in need of a skip) but also spiritually, to be in a state of peace with ourselves and those around us. (Probably almost impossible on a daily basis, but worth a try).

I’d want zero notice, I can’t even imagine living with the anxiety of knowing when it’ll happen

I've always said for me I'd prefer quick but after loosing my mum recently and it was a terrible shock with so many questions as noone was with her...maybe notice would give others the closure that's important. How do you start to move forward when you feel stuck in that day before it all happened?

I'd at least like enough time to get all of my pets sorted.

My family could probably be ok looking after the cats, maybe the birds but wouldn't have a clue with most of the reptiles.

I'm in my mid 40's and, due to chronic illness, rarely leave the flat. I can easily go days without talking to anyone. I have worried what would happen to the animals if I died suddenly and wasn't found for a week or so.

I read a book as a teenager (no idea now of the title or author, sorry!) which has the main character standing watching a big bomb falling almost directly on him. He knew there was no chance of survival, but had enough time to know that death was coming, but not enough time to feel pressured or panicked by things he hadn’t done. It’s always stuck with me - I think that’s the amount of time I want - enough to go ‘oh so this is it, this is how it ends’ but not enough to feel I had to run around organising, tidying, saying goodbye etc.

if my family history is anything to go by, I’ll actually die from old age after a (too long) decline in quality of life.

*peachespeachespeaches
In a hypothetical scenario where this could happen, about ten minutes so I can tell a few people I love them and that's it.

Realistically, I'd ideally like none.

I think we should all tell the people we love that we love them regularly....*

THAT is what you chose to take from that? Fucking hell.

None whatsoever. Dying mid sentence sounds perfect thanks very much

Placemarking for later

zero notice please. It was beyond horrific to see my father be told he had months to a year left and to decline and decline. Him asking one day when he would ever hear good news was awful. He was extremely depressed.

Watching it was terribly painful too. When FIL died suddenly it was a shock, but not protracted and drawn out over weeks and months.

I'd like a year provided I was not in chronic pain. Time to do some lovely holidays, update my will, make sure I make more special memories with DC and dgc and leave instructions about my funeral.

It's kind of irrelevant. Once you know the time scale, it changes everything. You are never the same person again. I don't know why, I just think comprehending death is very hard.

Depends how old I am. If dying prematurely, especially with young children, I think a massive heart attack would be best because I would hate my family to watch me die far too young.

If it's 75+, I'd rather have a few months notice to meditate on a complete life, organise things, say farewells etc.