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Original poster

How much notice of your death do you want? Months? weeks? days? hours?

77 replies

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 15:55

I always think I want months, but actually I am not sure. I think what I want is to be assured it wont be this month, or next month. If I was actually told I only had months left, I would probably be quite upset. But I do want time to prepare.

By prepare, I dont just mean wills and POA etc, which is already in place, I mean shred paperwork, clear wardrobe, etc, not leave a mess behind, although I still want those clothes and paperwork and mess right now

I have known 2 people die mid sentence in normal, cheery, everyday conversations, with no warning. I think it was lovely for them. But they didn't have time to prepare.

So I guess, what I actually want is to be told something like "you probably wont make it to 5 years" so I can get prepared, while still thinking long term and enjoying life, then popping off suddenly, maybe in my sleep, with no warning.

OP posts:
User165342 · 30/04/2023 16:27

If I was dying I probably wouldn't feel like clearing my wardrobe so someone else would probably have to do it anyway, same as if I dropped dead

User165342 · 30/04/2023 16:28

Though I have told DH to clear the garage as I don't want to end up doing it

peachespeachespeaches · 30/04/2023 16:33

In a hypothetical scenario where this could happen, about ten minutes so I can tell a few people I love them and that's it.

Realistically, I'd ideally like none.

Original poster
Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:34

peachespeachespeaches · 30/04/2023 16:33

In a hypothetical scenario where this could happen, about ten minutes so I can tell a few people I love them and that's it.

Realistically, I'd ideally like none.

I think we should all tell the people we love that we love them regularly....

OP posts:
REP22 · 30/04/2023 16:34

None. My dad died instantly of a massive heart attack 20 minutes after dropping me off at the bus station. It was awful, gut-wrenching and deeply horrible for me, his family and friends. But not for him. He hated hospitals and never made a good patient. It was a mercifully instant and painless end to a lovely life.

However long you have with the person you love, however prepared you think you are, it is never enough. You always want just five minutes more. Or would give anything for one last smile.

In 2020, I had the great misfortune to suffer a severe allergic reaction to something. I was an inpatient in hospital and fortunately (very fortunately) the doctors were still doing their rounds on the ward at the time. I went down very, very quickly and had to have adrenaline injected into me and CPR with a defibrillator. After the initial fear when I realised what was happening as it progressed the sensation was somewhat peaceful, with just a sense of "this is it". I was lucky enough to make a full recovery. It's left me with the sense that the end isn't something to be feared at all. But I wouldn't want any notice of it, regardless of whether it was days, weeks or years. I think the thought of what was to come would consume me and l might forget to enjoy my remaining lifetime. Maybe not, if it was a definite, for certain, thing. I often think that there is only fear where there is hope. If there is no hope then there can be some acceptance.

But we're all different. Maybe my dad would have liked to have prepared for his end and said his goodbyes. My mum has had cancer so we had to face that reality with her at one time (she recovered). I'm not sure how that would affect the grieving process; whether it would ultimately help or not.

Because of what happened with my dad and others I've had the "what would be best - knowing or not?" chat with quite a few friends and family over the years. I think the general consensus is that quickly, with no warning, is best rather than a long slow decline with the erosion of dignity and independence that can sometimes come with it.

JustDanceAddict · 30/04/2023 16:35

100% want to drop down dead w no warning. Would absolutely hate to be ill for a long period. I have a couple of ailments that get me down and I often feel rubbish with them. so I’d be awful with some type of life limiting illness.
What I should do is tell dh/DCs where all my paperwork etc is and put in a POA.
The one thing my mum did is tell me where her will etc was - I used to tell her off for being morbid but in the end she died after being ill for a few weeks so it’s def worth it to have your affairs in order.

Original poster
Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:38

yes, Power of attorney takes six month to process, so it is worth doing long before anything actually happens.

You can do it online, it costs around £80 for each, and there are two, one is welfare, the other is financial

OP posts:
howaboutchocolate · 30/04/2023 16:39

Knowing in advance doesn't mean you have a long lingering death. If I could be told "you'll die in 5 years in some sort of accident" I'd quite like to know, so I could make plans for those 5 years. Obviously it's not actually possible but I thought the question was hypothetical anyway.

Healthworrierextraordinaire · 30/04/2023 16:42

When my mother (mid 50's) became very poorly and we were told she was being moved to palliative care with days/weeks to go, we made the decision not to tell her. It was awful for us, but was definitely the kindest thing for her to not know. She slipped away utterly peacefully.

On the whole, I think I would rather not know. I wouldn't wish a slow decline on anyone, and I hope never to have to witness it again.

Arginalia · 30/04/2023 16:43

Five years would be perfect.

Clementineorsatsuma · 30/04/2023 16:44

What dies it matter? You won't get it!

RedTulipsSpring · 30/04/2023 16:46

None. I hope I die suddenly.

Original poster
Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:46

howaboutchocolate · 30/04/2023 16:39

Knowing in advance doesn't mean you have a long lingering death. If I could be told "you'll die in 5 years in some sort of accident" I'd quite like to know, so I could make plans for those 5 years. Obviously it's not actually possible but I thought the question was hypothetical anyway.

well, it is hypothetical, because none of us control it, do we! I don't really know why I spend so much time trying to work out my preference, when it is totally outside my control anyway 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 16:47

Healthworrierextraordinaire · 30/04/2023 16:42

When my mother (mid 50's) became very poorly and we were told she was being moved to palliative care with days/weeks to go, we made the decision not to tell her. It was awful for us, but was definitely the kindest thing for her to not know. She slipped away utterly peacefully.

On the whole, I think I would rather not know. I wouldn't wish a slow decline on anyone, and I hope never to have to witness it again.

I guess that is really the only thing we can control - do we want to be told we are dying or not? ANd do our families understand our preferences?

OP posts:
Orangebadger · 30/04/2023 16:48

Hmmm none ideally. Given my choice I would like to just die in my sleep.

PleaseJustText · 30/04/2023 16:49

A year ideally so I could quit my job and spend all my money on travelling while I can.

Thoughtful2355 · 30/04/2023 16:53

to be honest its a hard one. i would live a miserable life if ihad notice that i was going to die soon. I would be miserable for my children, I think i want to not know and just die so i dont have to be saying goodbye to my family for the next 6 months/year whatever BUT i would prefer maybe a month or two notice rather than no notice so i could atleast say goodbye and make sure my children are cared for etc

SirChenjins · 30/04/2023 16:57

Ideally none - although for my family’s sake it would be better to have a few months I suppose.

LlynTegid · 30/04/2023 17:03

None at all.

QuintanaRoo · 30/04/2023 17:05

None, I’d like to die in my sleep in older age but before I get too frail. I really wouldn’t want to know though because I think it’s very difficult to focus on living with that knowledge hanging over you.

CambridgeCambridge · 30/04/2023 17:05

One of my grandfathers had about 10 days - and he was still well enough to be cycling a couple of days before that. It meant that people had time to say goodbye, but he wasn't ill for long.

A sudden death can be very traumatic for those left behind - one friend can't forget unsuccessfully performing CPR on her father (heart attack).

Wallywobbles · 30/04/2023 17:22

My DGM had a few weeks. She organized her own funeral and it was epic. The priest was a cousin he told some of her funniest stories. She'd chosen and primed him. It really was a brilliant day where we laughed and cried.

nobodysdaughter · 30/04/2023 17:28

I would like to go like a great, great aunt I've mine I've been told about - she was in her 80s, and it was her birthday. After her tea she went to her garden, sat in the last of the evening sun, looked through her birthday cards, then fell asleep and died.
Hopefully the ripe old age I'll live to will be warning enough to have my affairs in order.
But if I had an illness? A week tops.

Dontcallmescarface · 30/04/2023 17:33

I'd rather not know.

DP's Grandad had his lunch one afternoon, he then sat in his chair whilst DP's Nana made them a pot of tea. By the time she brought it to him he was dead. Although obviously upset, the 1st thing she said to DP after was "if I'd have known that would be his last lunch, I would have made him his favourite". I wish my dad had gone the same way rather than the prolonged agony he endured for 6 weeks.

matchalattewithsoy · 30/04/2023 17:37

No notice at all. Waiting for my mum to die was the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. I wouldn't wish for that to happen to my children.