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Original poster

DP did nothing for my birthday

90 replies

Notthebirthdayiwanted · 24/04/2023 23:49

Name changed.
It’s the evening before my 40th birthday and not only didn’t make DP any plans, he also told me that he doesn’t have a present for me. His reason is that I wasn’t overly enthusiastic when he mentioned that we could go to the pub after work a few days ago for a birthday drink (I think I said ‘ok that sounds nice’, but I was somehow expecting dinner). His reason for not getting me a present is that I didn’t explicitly told him what I wanted.

I’m just so disappointed…I don’t expect much and I know that planning isn’t his strength, but organising some sort of nice dinner whether that’s at home or in a restaurant, and thinking about a small present for me surly isn’t asking too much? He now went to sleep in the spare room because I’m ungrateful, I’m difficult, and he would never dream of treating me like that, no matter what I give or not give him for his birthday….and I already know that this can only end with me apologising.

We are together 5 years, live together for 4 years, no children. He’s not always that bad with presents, I got nice birthday presents in the years before, and I always organise something he likes doing for his birthday, and obviously I give him a present.

I don’t know what to do…other than thinking about how I can organise a lovely day for myself tomorrow to celebrate my birthday because I rather spend the evening on my own than with a sulking DP at home

OP posts:

SkyandSurf · 25/04/2023 00:08

What gaslighting bullshit. He's trying to act like the aggrieved party here. Because you had the audacity to express you we're disappointed that he has done fuck all for your milestone birthday.

Take yourself out tomorrow. Have a fabulous time without him.

Do not apologise. You have every right to tell him you're disappointed. He'll have to handle that like a grown up, not sulk in another room saying it's all your fault.

Enjoy your birthday, and the next day consider what you're getting out of this relationship.

SkyandSurf · 25/04/2023 00:10

Also how dare he call you 'ungrateful'. What exactly are you meant to be. Showing gratitude for?! The pile of nothing he gave you?

Another man who thinks he deserves thanks just for existing.

denpark · 25/04/2023 00:13

I'm so so sorry that he's done this to you. What a gaslighting prick. I had a very similar thing happen for my 40th and it hurt. A lot. I'm divorcing that bastard now.
Please do not allow him to minimise his behaviour and twist everything around to make you feel bad. He's completely in the wrong x

Poppyblush · 25/04/2023 00:49

As above! How is this your fault?!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 25/04/2023 01:37

Is there any chance it's an elaborate ruse? 🤞

itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 01:44

I don't expect much......but why is this OP
maybe you do need to expect more from him.
The fact he's sulking is ridiculous.

itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 01:45

Happy birthday 🎂

McGoadyFromFuckingGoadyville · 25/04/2023 01:49

I truly hope you find the self worth to end this relationship.

Restinggoddess · 25/04/2023 01:52

Happy Birthday
Leave the house, go AWOL - take a day to yourself and enjoy your birthday
It may not be the birthday you hoped for but you can make it a special day - you don’t need him to make it special for you

As with PP - he is gaslighting you because he messed up. Don’t let him ‘win’
Go celebrate being you in whatever style you like

Newjobformoremoney · 25/04/2023 01:54

Yes OP. You’re the problem for expecting someone who cares deeply for you to do something on a big birthday.
Hes a dick. You honestly don’t need his shit.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 25/04/2023 02:02

Sorry OP, what a prick.

Wishing you a very happy birthday doing something nice.

My favourite birthday ever (milestone one) was me and the cat, I was happy as a clam!

Casilero · 25/04/2023 02:15

Happy Birthday!

Don't waste another decade on him. It's appalling to put such little effort in for ANY Birthday let alone a milestone one. Honestly, I really would ditch him over this. You've no reason to stay. Fuck that shit.

Do you have a joint mortgage?

Flatandhappy · 25/04/2023 02:18

Happy Birthday!

He is being a dick and hasn’t the guts to admit it, much easier to throw the blame back on you. I would celebrate your birthday with other people and leave him to sulk.

3487642I · 25/04/2023 04:34

This is a typical thing that covert narcissists will do, they are known for ruining birthdays/special events or things you enjoy.

Not saying your DH is one, but it's good to be aware of this.

The fact he is blaming you is a red flag for narcissism too...

SkyandSurf · 25/04/2023 05:10

3487642I · 25/04/2023 04:34

This is a typical thing that covert narcissists will do, they are known for ruining birthdays/special events or things you enjoy.

Not saying your DH is one, but it's good to be aware of this.

The fact he is blaming you is a red flag for narcissism too...

That's a good catch.

It's a real trait of toxic relationships that one person constantly sabotages special occasions.

My father in law threw a tantrum the day my son was born, another at his christening, fired up for every birthday and Christmas creating drama and being deeply offended.

Is fucking exhausting.

OP, has he ruined other nice things and occasions for you before?

Sazzlehead · 25/04/2023 05:16

My ex did this on my 30th birthday, I was exactly the same as you and always made a big effort for his birthday. I wish I'd seen it earlier but he didn't love or respect me. I eventually left him and surprisingly to me I was so much happier on my own. I'm now married to a wonderful man who is so caring and buys me the odd present just because he saw something I would like. Life is too short for a one sided relationship. Go enjoy your birthday on your own and then take stock of your relationship. Is it making you happy?

autienotnaught · 25/04/2023 05:52

Either he's planned a surprise and being deliberately vague or he's a total dick. If he can't be arsed to buy you a present and take you out for a meal (assuming finances are fine) then he doesn't care. I'd wait the day out and see what he brings to the table. If it's nothing I would dump him. You deserve better.

QuinkWashable · 25/04/2023 05:57

I'm sorry OP. My ex (together 16 years) forgot my 40th entirely, and when it came up in conversation with the kids a couple of weeks later he was angry with me for not reminding him!

I think it shows a lack of care. Given my ex was always going on about how rubbish the presents we got him (with a lot of thought, they weren't a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine level), I thought it was a bit rich to entirely forget my birthday and then tell me off for it.

LBFseBrom · 25/04/2023 06:02

It is now your birthday and I'm thinking he might have a surprise for you later on.

Happy 40th!

shutthewindownow · 25/04/2023 06:03

His given up making any effort. If you stay with him you must make sure you do the same for his birthday and see how he feels about it. Five years is nothing could this relationship have run it's course ?

everyonebutme · 25/04/2023 06:07

I've always made a big thing of birthdays for my other half going above and beyond and always expect the same back but have been disappointed several times. On my 50th my ex bought me nothing and didn't take me out or even cook me a meal. I was actually in tears for most of the day because I was so disappointed. I soon realised he was just a cocklodger and he's now very much an ex.

Disco2023 · 25/04/2023 06:12

I do my own birthday planning. I certainly did my 40th. I just wanted to celebrate with certain people.

Not that my partner is shit. He is great with presents and pays for whatever we do. I should add it’s vice versa for his birthday. But I’m the organiser mainly.

i know many on here think it’s childish for adults to celebrate birthdays but I love them. I’d be upset too at the lack of effort and care to be honest.

Happy birthday @Notthebirthdayiwanted hope you manage to enjoy

GoodChat · 25/04/2023 06:17

How are you ungrateful? He's done nothing for you to be grateful for!

Happy birthday. I hope you make the most of it and do something for you

Ilovechoc12 · 25/04/2023 06:26

Happy birthday 🎂

So what you going to do that you will enjoy - spa day? Nails? Hair? Beach? New City?

Do something you like - hope you have a fantastic day

Dracuuule · 25/04/2023 07:10

Happy birthday op!
Do you have any friends or family you could see? If you can, go somewhere that takes your fancy. Look for any exhibitions or events you'd like to attend. Maybe something for the weekend?

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