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Original poster

DP did nothing for my birthday

90 replies

Notthebirthdayiwanted · 24/04/2023 23:49

Name changed.
It’s the evening before my 40th birthday and not only didn’t make DP any plans, he also told me that he doesn’t have a present for me. His reason is that I wasn’t overly enthusiastic when he mentioned that we could go to the pub after work a few days ago for a birthday drink (I think I said ‘ok that sounds nice’, but I was somehow expecting dinner). His reason for not getting me a present is that I didn’t explicitly told him what I wanted.

I’m just so disappointed…I don’t expect much and I know that planning isn’t his strength, but organising some sort of nice dinner whether that’s at home or in a restaurant, and thinking about a small present for me surly isn’t asking too much? He now went to sleep in the spare room because I’m ungrateful, I’m difficult, and he would never dream of treating me like that, no matter what I give or not give him for his birthday….and I already know that this can only end with me apologising.

We are together 5 years, live together for 4 years, no children. He’s not always that bad with presents, I got nice birthday presents in the years before, and I always organise something he likes doing for his birthday, and obviously I give him a present.

I don’t know what to do…other than thinking about how I can organise a lovely day for myself tomorrow to celebrate my birthday because I rather spend the evening on my own than with a sulking DP at home

OP posts:
Original poster
Notthebirthdayiwanted · 25/04/2023 07:14

Thanks all. He’s left for work now. Still sulking. He said Happy birthday and ‘we will go for dinner when I come home if that’s what you want’. I don’t really look forward to an awkward evening, but if I don’t go and fake a smile, he will just go on about how he does what I want but I’m still not happy.

Im not sure how he doesn’t get that it is the lack of effort that’s upsetting. In day to day life I do feel that he wants me to be happy. But he doesn’t take charge of anything. I have to do all the planning, he’s always happy to go along and he tries to make my life easier…he can be a great partner but I just can’t get my head around why he doesn’t think it’s important to do something for my birthday.
I know how he is and that’s why I tend to organise anything special I want to do for my birthday myself usually, but I thought he’d at least manage to organise dinner and a present.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notthebirthdayiwanted · 25/04/2023 07:20

And thanks all for the lovely suggestions 💐 I think I’ll go out and get myself a present now, there’s something I wanted for a long time…and then I’ll make a nice day for myself to welcome the 40s 😅

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 25/04/2023 07:26

Happy birthday @Notthebirthdayiwanted 🥳.

Can you arrange to go out for a nice meal with a friend, leaving before he gets home? You get a nice evening & he can sulk at home with beans on toast.

Sparkletastic · 25/04/2023 07:35

Happy birthday!! If I were you I'd plan a lovely day for yourself that doesn't involve your sulking thoughtless partner.

Iloveajacketspud · 25/04/2023 07:37

Happy Birthday!

he’s a shit partner. I don’t think I’d be wasting any more time with him and his childlike behaviour

AmandaHoldensLips · 25/04/2023 07:43

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Life begins at 40. Treat yourself to whatever you want today. Buy yourself a fabulous gift. Go shopping. Have a lovely lunch.

Your boyfriend is a selfish thoughtless twat. Let him sulk. Better still, help him pack his bags.

Shortpoet · 25/04/2023 07:43

”He now went to sleep in the spare room because I’m ungrateful, I’m difficult, and he would never dream of treating me like that, no matter what I give or not give him for his birthday”

But he has no problem with acting like a silky difficult bastard on yours.

”we will go for dinner when I come home if that’s what you want’.”

What a charmer. Is he expecting you will just melt with gratitude for this prince among men?

Shortpoet · 25/04/2023 07:45

Ffs sulky bastard

HavfrueDenizKisi · 25/04/2023 07:53

He's a lazy and uncaring partner not a 'sometimes great partner' because a great partner likes to make you feel special on your birthday etc. it's not like your birthday was sprung on him, he has had loads of time to organise himself - it's just that your feelings aren't that important to him.

I know what I would do. I'd explain how it makes me feel that he is so uncaring and that it's making me rethink the relationship.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 25/04/2023 07:54

Basically I'd be giving myself the best 40th present of dumping him quite frankly but I know that's east for me to say.

Dracuuule · 25/04/2023 07:55

Don't go to a miserable dinner with him, pretending to be grateful and cheerful.
Plan something else for tonight, let him know that as he didn't seem to want to celebrate your birthday, you've arranged something else but you'd love to do something a bit more special with him over the weekend, if he wants. See how that goes.

Bunnyhair · 25/04/2023 08:09

Happy birthday, OP.

My DH is autistic and used to do this. Once we established that it wasn’t a narcissistic power game but an anxiety response to any kind of special day (including his own birthdays, Father’s Day, etc), I was still pretty disappointed but I could at least make my own birthday plans. Without including him, as any kind of celebration makes him a right moody fucker to be around. And even then he still manages to get in a sulk sometimes because my organising something for myself and not involving him makes him feel guilty. But I refuse to let his issues with birthdays prevent me from celebrating my own.

It’s not the life I hoped for! But by the time we got to the bottom of what was going on it was a bit late for me to get out, as we had a child with SEN & were financially entangled etc etc. You can still leave.

It is fine to want to be thought of and celebrated in your birthday. And fine to leave a relationship where this doesn’t happen, for whatever reason. And his feelings are his responsibility to deal with, not yours.

You don’t need to apologise, and it won’t be helpful or constructive to do so. If you want to explain to him why an apology is not warranted, you could do that. It is also fine not to bother and to crack on with making plans to move on from this relationship.

Livinghappy · 25/04/2023 08:20

Happy birthday. Buy yourself that present and also plan something for yourself. Even if it doesn't happen today make a point of booking something...your 40th lasts all year so you have time.

Op, does he often sulk when you raise issues with him? Like others I had an ex like this and I should have bailed but I think I was conditioned to accept very little. Sulking is a very unhealthy response to raising issues.

StopStartStop · 25/04/2023 08:28

40 - nowhere near as old as you think. Young enough to put the piece of shit aside and have a brilliant life enjoying yourself. Give it some thought - half an hour should be enough - then start getting yourself free.

StopStartStop · 25/04/2023 08:31

Don't go to a miserable dinner with him, pretending to be grateful and cheerful.
And, I agree with this from @Dracuuule. If you go out with him for a forced celebration, he gets the joy of knowing he's continuing to hurt you, and the satisfaction of seeing you compelled to comply. It's not nice, OP, don't do it. A MaccyDee's on your own would be better.

WitchDancer · 25/04/2023 08:33

Happy birthday!

Life begins at 40, so maybe it's a day for reflection as to what makes you happy Flowers

BishopRock · 25/04/2023 08:34

I had to arrange everything on my 40th birthday. My ex husband basically just tagged along.

It was the turning point for me, I just couldn't bear the thought of spending the rest of my life taking charge of absolutely everything and for him to coast along behind me.

GrumpyPanda · 25/04/2023 08:40

Agree with others. Don't go out with him, he'll just make you miserable. Any friends you can rope in at short notice?

And happy birthday OP!

jay55 · 25/04/2023 08:43

He's such a cock.
Says you're ungrateful, makes it alllllllll about him
and his offence, as he wants you to spend your birthday grovelling for forgiveness, when he fucked up,

Paq · 25/04/2023 08:48

Happy birthday OP. If it helps, being in your 40s rocks!

He doesn't sound as if he really likes you, let alone loves you. What is your relationship like the rest of the time?

TheNecessaryWoman · 25/04/2023 08:57

Notthebirthdayiwanted · 25/04/2023 07:14

Thanks all. He’s left for work now. Still sulking. He said Happy birthday and ‘we will go for dinner when I come home if that’s what you want’. I don’t really look forward to an awkward evening, but if I don’t go and fake a smile, he will just go on about how he does what I want but I’m still not happy.

Im not sure how he doesn’t get that it is the lack of effort that’s upsetting. In day to day life I do feel that he wants me to be happy. But he doesn’t take charge of anything. I have to do all the planning, he’s always happy to go along and he tries to make my life easier…he can be a great partner but I just can’t get my head around why he doesn’t think it’s important to do something for my birthday.
I know how he is and that’s why I tend to organise anything special I want to do for my birthday myself usually, but I thought he’d at least manage to organise dinner and a present.

He sounds a lot like my husband. He's a good partner in many ways but birthdays and special occasions just don't really compute. My 40th was a particular low point - nothing organised and thoughtless gifts. It was awful. I've since organised my own celebrations and neither expect nor need input from DH. My 50th was great - had a party, a weekend away, and did a hot air balloon flight. for my upcoming 60th I've organised a meal with friends, a holiday abroad with our adult DC and grand-DC, and a cruise later in the year with girlfriends who are also turning 60.

I make no suggestions for DH when it's his birthday. He's really not bothered but we usually go for a meal or a night out. Milestone birthdays are the same.

I'd lower your expectations OP and take control in the future.

thaisweetchill · 25/04/2023 09:39

Happy Birthday!

Give yourself the best present and leave him, he is gaslighting you. Read back what you have said as from what I'm reading it sounds like you feel guilty for ruining your own birthday! What is that about?

I hope you enjoy your day x

Thebigblueballoon · 25/04/2023 09:44

Happy birthday OP! 🥳

Are you sure this isn’t a cackhanded way of throwing you off the scent of a surprise? He has better come home with a massive bunch of flowers and something thoughtful! If he doesn’t and it’s some begrudged night out for a meal, dump the dude.

Deathraystare · 25/04/2023 09:50

@Ilovechoc12
Happy birthday 🎂

So what you going to do that you will enjoy - spa day? Nails? Hair? Beach? New City?

Do something you like - hope you have a fantastic day

Absolutely do this or stuff yourself with cakes and/or icecream.

I am not impeded with a male attachment (?) but if I were, I could put up with no fuss on Valentine's Day/Christmas Day/Easter etc but forget my birthday at your peril! I would not expect much but a good old fuss, Yes! But then my birthday is just after Christmas and us Capricorns do get forgotten!!! So I make a fuss of myself instead!

Throwncrumbs · 25/04/2023 09:51

I didn’t get anything for my birthday either, so I booked a week away to Spain, told my other half and he said ‘it’s a bit short notice for work’, then I broke the news that he’s not coming!😂