DP did nothing for my birthday

[Notthebirthdayiwanted]

Name changed.
It’s the evening before my 40th birthday and not only didn’t make DP any plans, he also told me that he doesn’t have a present for me. His reason is that I wasn’t overly enthusiastic when he mentioned that we could go to the pub after work a few days ago for a birthday drink (I think I said ‘ok that sounds nice’, but I was somehow expecting dinner). His reason for not getting me a present is that I didn’t explicitly told him what I wanted.

I’m just so disappointed…I don’t expect much and I know that planning isn’t his strength, but organising some sort of nice dinner whether that’s at home or in a restaurant, and thinking about a small present for me surly isn’t asking too much? He now went to sleep in the spare room because I’m ungrateful, I’m difficult, and he would never dream of treating me like that, no matter what I give or not give him for his birthday….and I already know that this can only end with me apologising.

We are together 5 years, live together for 4 years, no children. He’s not always that bad with presents, I got nice birthday presents in the years before, and I always organise something he likes doing for his birthday, and obviously I give him a present.

I don’t know what to do…other than thinking about how I can organise a lovely day for myself tomorrow to celebrate my birthday because I rather spend the evening on my own than with a sulking DP at home

Hope you have a great day
I would style it out tonight - be totally buzzing with your special day because you are 40 and invincible
If he tries to say ‘well that’s great you had a good day that’s what I wanted for you all along’ or something to that effect - pee yourself laughing, slap him on the back and say ‘funny, really funny’ ( I am thinking about the scene in ‘when Harry met sally’ where she totally took the piss out of his point of view- obviously not the actual scene she did, but it wiped the smile off Harry’s face!)
Enjoy your new found super power - being 40 🎉

My boyfriend did nothing for my 50th birthday...we met when I'd just turned 41, and I'd spent 9 whole years telling him how shit my 40th was, and he faithfully promised me my 50th would be a lot better...

For a couple of years beforehand we'd both been talking about going on holiday abroad for it..the day after my 49th birthday I suggested we book one, so we'd have the full 12 months to pay it off...he kept putting booking it off, it was always 'next payday' until there was less than 6 months to go, and then it was 'not enough time'... I then suggested we at least have a night or two away in the UK...same thing.

In the end I booked a night away in a scenic town about 30 miles away from the city where I live. The morning of my 50th, my 'treat' was breakfast in the roughest Wetherspoons pub in the city centre...we then go to the train station and he manages to get us on the wrong train...I gave up at that point, I was so pissed off and upset that the stress set off massive pain in a broken tooth...we then had to hang around my city centre for hours, as the person who had the keys to my flat (to feed my cats) was working and couldn't get them to us until 6pm...so I ended up spending my 50th in agony, hanging around various rough pubs in the city centre, watching my boyfriend drink himself silly.

It was his 50th 2 years later. I told him that I wouldn't be doing a fucking thing for it...as it fell in the first year of the pandemic, and we live 200 miles away from each other, I didn't even see him. His parents (breaking the lockdown laws in force at the time) took him for a night away ... he had the fucking nerve to turn to me and say 'at least I got to do something for it'...it's my 55th this year and still haven't forgiven him. I now do what I like and his presence is optional.

I definitely wouldn't go for dinner with him tonight, in fact I'd book myself into the best hotel I could afford for the night and start planning the holiday I was going to take on my own.

Happy birthday.....it's mine tomorrow and as someone who has been married 40 years my tip is to arrange something your self to avoid disappointment. It will not improve. Is this a man thing...how difficult is it to buy a card or gift or something. But off course you will be expected to make sure he has a good birthday or suffer the sulking..

“Im not sure how he doesn’t get that it is the lack of effort that’s upsetting.”

He does get it. He knows it is the lack of effort. That’s why he is in a bad mood as you’re making him look bad and he doesn’t like it.

He gets it and he doesn’t care. Up to you what you do with that.

I know what I’d do if my partner had done nothing AT ALL for my 40th.

Mine is great at Xmas but he's just not into birthdays whether it's my 36th or my 50th (I'm 61) - he would get me a card and a present but not necessarily arrange parties or weekends away or even a meal out. I return the favour!!

Hope you had a lovely birthday OP xxxx

Why on earth have you spent 14 years with this man? It doesn't sound as though there is any love or respect at all between the two of you.

@Notthebirthdayiwanted
I replied earlier, but keep checking back to read other replies and see if you've come back to update.

Right now I'm stuck on this:
I don’t expect much and I know that planning isn’t his strength

I wonder if this is where the core of the issue is? It's said again and again that if we don't expect much we don't get much; that if we set the bar low we get a like return; and we teach people how to treat us. All of that is true. It's also true that as women we make excuses for how our partners treat us (up to abuse). We are also taught to be selfless and self-sacrificing to our detriment.

You've only been together for 5 years. It sounds like he treated you better in the "courting" phase and over time he relaxed and you accepted that. He can't even do something extra nice for your milestone birthday and that speaks volumes about his feelings toward you and who he is. I think you need to take a long look at the patterns in your relationship. I'll bet you can make a too long list of disappointments. Why do you accept being treated like this? Counselling will help. You deserve to be swept off your feet and made to feel special. Only you can decide if your DP is worth having a discussion with to try to change things, but frankly, without kids in the picture, you might want to work on yourself and plan your exit. Don't blame yourself either. That won't get you anywhere and will only reinforce negative self-talk that keeps you in an unhappy relationship. You are worth so much more.

Thanks all for the support and birthday wishes! Some asked for an update - DP came home with flowers and a card yesterday and wished me a happy birthday again. I decided to go out for dinner with him but as expected, it was a bit awkward because I wasn’t willing to hide my disappointment about the whole situation. We also talked a bit more about our expectations and I explained why I have an issue. The evening ended on a rather low note, but today he came home with a birthday present (something thoughtful), shopping to cook a nice dinner for us, and it seemed that he did some thinking and understood that he needs to make more effort to show me that he cares. I’d say he’s still on probation, but he looks remorseful and has made an effort tonight.

That sounds good and hopeful. I am pleased for you.

That’s really positive - he took it on board and has done something about it ( probation period is also a good idea)
Imagine if you showed him this thread!!!

I hope this is the start of a new, appreciated era

Thank you for the update, I had been wondering

I'm glad you were able to have that conversation without it turning into a row, and that he has taken it on board and made the effort.

To put another angle (which I think only one other poster has mentioned) not everybody has come from a tradition of being expected to arrange things for other people's birthdays. In my whole extended family (on both mine and dh's sides, and also people like my sister's husband's family, and brother's wife's family), if people like celebrating birthdays - and not everyone does - then they arrange what they want to do.
I would hate for someone else to be planning what happens for my birthday. It is my birthday so I like to arrange what we do. I don't like surprises. I do like looking forward to what I have planned.

Potentially he feels the same.

It is just a different way of being, or of doing things. What you needed to do (which you have now) is to let the other person know what your expectations are.

@Notthebirthdayiwanted - I would be devastated if this was me. It's not so much about the grand gesture, or big lavish gifts but more so about the time and effort somebody goes to to make their loved one feel special. And FFS - it's your 40th too - an important milestone.

A drink to a pub? I mean, really?! - Perhaps this is a wake up call that you need to reevaluate things with him.

@thecatsmeows , why are you still with him after that?

If my husband made so little effort on my birthday then tried to make me the bad guy because I wasn’t thrilled at going for a drink in my local for my 40th(!) then we’d be divorced by the next birthday.

Ok so he brought some flowers, doesn’t make up for it. Raise the bar op

I couldn't be bothered to stay with someone this selfish. Maybe if dc were involved but if not you're freeeeee!