DP did nothing for my birthday

[Notthebirthdayiwanted]

Name changed.
It’s the evening before my 40th birthday and not only didn’t make DP any plans, he also told me that he doesn’t have a present for me. His reason is that I wasn’t overly enthusiastic when he mentioned that we could go to the pub after work a few days ago for a birthday drink (I think I said ‘ok that sounds nice’, but I was somehow expecting dinner). His reason for not getting me a present is that I didn’t explicitly told him what I wanted.

I’m just so disappointed…I don’t expect much and I know that planning isn’t his strength, but organising some sort of nice dinner whether that’s at home or in a restaurant, and thinking about a small present for me surly isn’t asking too much? He now went to sleep in the spare room because I’m ungrateful, I’m difficult, and he would never dream of treating me like that, no matter what I give or not give him for his birthday….and I already know that this can only end with me apologising.

We are together 5 years, live together for 4 years, no children. He’s not always that bad with presents, I got nice birthday presents in the years before, and I always organise something he likes doing for his birthday, and obviously I give him a present.

I don’t know what to do…other than thinking about how I can organise a lovely day for myself tomorrow to celebrate my birthday because I rather spend the evening on my own than with a sulking DP at home

Happy 40th birthday OP. Sorry your partner is being an arse. I know what you mean about dinner, if you go it'll be awkward, if you don't it'll be awkward. Don't let him spoil your day. I would do exactly what YOU want to do today. Eat what you want, drink what you want. Do what ever takes your fancy. I hope you have a lovely day.

I might steal that idea @Throwncrumbs

This is genius.

I did 4 nights in New York by myself. It was awesome I’d highly recommend.

”if you want” to go for a meal what a prick, how lukewarm is that. Go get what you want for your milestone birthday, grab yourself some flowers and have cake in a cafe while you’re there.

For his next birthday do the same for him ( if you’re still with him)

He's got you in a "double bind" - that's where you lose either way, as @Tiredmum100 says. This is classic sign of abuse in a relationship. He clearly doesn't want to be lumped with organising things so he's lowering your expectations which makes you more grateful when he gives you crumbs, and he's also punishing you for daring to challenge him to make you careful not to do so next time.

The way he is going about this is emotionally manipulative, instead of being direct and upfront about the reasons for his behaviour (if indeed there were legitimate reasons) he is using blame-shifting and trying to make you feel fearful of his reaction and guilty for your own behavior. This suggests his reasons for behaving this way are to control you. Everything you've said is really worrying.

I see you are with my ex husband- condolences.

In all seriousness, what a prick for a, not bothering to arrange anything and b, gaslighting you to believe this is somehow your fault? I'm concerned that you will have to apologise.

It's incredibly hurtful when things like this happen OP, I've been there. Is the relationship good otherwise?

😂 👏👏👏

Oh and Happy Birthday op, make sure you treat yourself even if he hasn't.

I had this happen at my last birthday, although I realised he hadn’t bought anything the night before and he consequently rushed out early on the day of my birthday itself. It wasn’t a milestone birthday but it was my first as a Mum, and he hadn’t got anything from my baby to me either.

I don’t think they realise (or care?!) these thoughtless behaviours permanently change how we feel about them.

This a happened to my friend at her 40th - her narcissistic husband didn’t do anything for her despite her planning and hosting an amazing party for his and treating him to a holiday. It was the last straw - she divorced him. 8 years later she is now very happy with someone who adores her. Let this be your sign - time to move on.

If finances allow it, do this. 😂
If t comes to it, gives him a week to pack up and leave

Happy Birthday op!! 40 is such a big deal, I'm so sorry your dh has been an arse. Did you have any friends/family you could have done something nice with? Has your dh had his 40th yet? Be sure to show the same efforts he has for yours!
If funds allow in your situation I would go out and buy myself a lovely gift, a delicious lunch out, and book a spa break with a friend/relative!

Oh and if you can a weekend away with a friend/relative. If you have dcs let dh look after them!

*'Throwncrumbs · Today 09:51

I didn’t get anything for my birthday either, so I booked a week away to Spain, told my other half and he said ‘it’s a bit short notice for work’, then I broke the news that he’s not coming!😂'*

🤣 Love it!! I bed his facial expression was priceless!

bet* I'm obviously thinking of my bed being abit tired today!

🤔 you really think so?!

I'm not saying you should LTB over a birthday present, but your 5 years in, no kids yet. You should be Living The Dream. This sort of thing only becomes harder when Children are thrown into the mix. Maybe have a really good think about what you want, what he adds to you, and if this is what you want in life.

@OhFFSthisAgain the OP says she doesn’t have a kid, nor a husband.

OP consider whether this is all you want in life-some shitty boyfriend who treats you like shit and manipulates you by sulking and gaslighting you. Would you not rather enjoy your life?

Happy birthday! Hope you're having a great day.

Don't go out with your h tonight. Text him now, be very calm, tell him that you're disappointed and upset by his behaviour on your birthday and his lack of thought. Call him out on his sulking and say that you don't want to spend time with him if he's still sulking and make you unhappy, so you've made your own plans for tonight.

Then book yourself a weekend away - don't invite him - and buy yourself a fab gift.

If you're still with him for his 40th, make exactly the same amount of effort that he made for yours. But you deserve better!

You could offer him a redo next weekend? Explain you wanted him to make an effort and think of something. Tell him you’ll make it really easy for him and suggest dinner, but he has to think of somewhere nice that he knows you or he could tell your friends he booked and they would say oh lovely! (To avoid him booking the local pub as it’s easy and being pissed off you weren’t happy- they aren’t idiots, they know your friends wont go wow the same place you go every week? Isn’t he thoughtful!!) say next Saturday night.

and if he won’t, book yourself a holiday. Dh still doesn’t know that if he forgot my second Mother’s Day I was taking myself off to Paris for a long weekend the very next weekend and he could do some solo parenting which I would have zero gratitude for, and we wouldn’t have started trying for a second. fortunately he came through.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

That's really unkind and lazy of him but because you always organise everything, he's got used to that hasn't he?!

I definitely wouldn't go for dinner with him tonight, especially as you'll have to put on a smile and pretend you're fine with it all because he's put you in a lose/lose situation.

Loving the idea of a pp who suggested booking a trip away without him!!!

🎉🥂Happy 40th Birthday @Notthebirthdayiwanted 🥂🎉

I hope you are out and getting that thing you've been after and treated yourself to some special tasty treats (fizz and cake springs to mind😉 ) and if on the off chance he has organised something for you tonight, but has behaved badly in trying to disguise it, I hope you have a great evening too.
But I suspect he hasn't

I would not go for dinner. Make dinner plans with a friend and go out and have a good time. Birthdays are about celebrating and while you can do that in many ways, there should be positive feelings. And buy yourself a gift.

@ItsNotWhatItsNot I didn't realise, sorry just skimmed through. That's ever worse! I hope your bf is good in other area, or I'd not be with him! If funds allow he could have taken you on holiday; it's appalling.

areas*