Fussy eaters, help me understand

[whoisthefusspot]

DP dislikes a lot of what I consider staple foods and is not a confident cook, whereas I fancy myself the opposite. I try not to act like a dick about this but fail fairly often, so would be grateful for any insight that might help me be kinder.

DP won't eat (might choke down if pressed): courgettes, aubergines, leeks, lentils, beans, peppers, copius onion, sushi, duck, skin, fat, anything too hot, most seafood... loads of stuff I'm forgetting. Some of these foods are among my favourites. He generally lives on plain protein, packet lettuce, and pasta/rice. Since I've known him, he has tried and liked a few new things, which is great and I try to be encouraging.

I won't eat offal (especially fish offal), mussels, and that's pretty much it. Would eat mussels if forced (just squeamish when I can see them). DP says I'm the fussy one because I dislike raw egg white on a fried egg and massively overcooked, unsalted chicken breast (burnt, dry). I was extremely pissed off when he said this, but tbf I do call him fussy all the time so maybe he was just getting revenge. I am not a lentil weaver, and happily eat instant noodles and McDonald's on occasion, I just like things to be how they should be!

Grateful for views from people who struggle with food as well as those who live with them - how do you avoid arguing? I sometimes insist upon cooking because I know he'll mess it up, which I know isn't great, and sometimes leads to little arguments... perhaps that means I'm fussy too, as well as a bit controlling.

When I said you eat what you like and he eats what he likes, I also meant you each cook your own too, to your own liking.

Not everyone can.

people with severe arfid often end up tube fed as the only way to get enough nutrients into them

But you’ve just proved the point that it is possible to learn to eat previously disliked things! I totally get the sensory issue- fat on meat makes me gag and feel sick. But you can learn to get over it with gradual repeated exposure.

No you can't.
The food I managed to introduce were part of the same food groups as those on my safe list. They had similar textures, tastes and smells.
I have categorically been unable to add foods that sit outside of these groups. For example, I physically cannot eat meat or seafood despite repeated exposure. I cannot learn to like these foods, I cannot learn to find the smell or texture acceptable.

I wonder whether it would be helpful to stop thinking about this in terms of food (bear with me...) and think about it as an issue on which you have different views/values. So to me it's similar to:

• you love reading, he never picks up a book
• you are religious and go to church every Sunday, he is an atheist
• you are really into therapy, he thinks it's a load of nonsense
• you love nature and the outdoors, he's a real indoors person
• you love going on holiday, he doesn't see the point.

So something that is really important to you is irrelevant to him, he's never going to take an interest or get involved. On this particular issue, you are not compatible, and (IMHO) you're unlikely to win him round. Of course that has implications for how you spend your time together, and for how family life will work if you have DC. But in all of the cases I think the question to ask is "is this something I can live with?" rather than "how can we find common ground?" because you probably won't.

At that point is it a choice pure and simple. If you want to get better you put the effort in.

Wow.

Hours and hours of therapy, hours and hours of trying to introduce certain foods while gagging and being physically sick.
The numerous stressful social and work functions that centre around food where I've made myself ill with worry in the lead up.
The embarrassment when someone decides to make you the centre of attention for not eating 'normally'
Good to know I just haven't been putting effort in. I must try harder 🙄

That’s one of the most ableist things I’ve ever read on Mumsnet, and believe me there’s some stiff competition.

You think people choose to be fed through a tube? Why, for shits and giggles?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

If you can find me one person in a Syrian refuge camp who refuses all food apart from McDonald’s I’ll agree with you.

People with ARFID would genuinely choose to starve than eat foods that sit outside of their safe list.

It's not a privileged, western phenomenon like you're trying to suggest. Unless you're saying there won't be people in refugee camps with autism, adhd or sensory issues?

Is he just a bad cook?

My stbxH, after quite a few years of marriage, won't let me cook and only eats my cooking if he's famished.

Sadly they will have died from starvation

Do you really think the nhs would pay for the operation and prescribed enteral feeds if it was just a case of a bit more effort?

JFC 😲
Seriously, just stop!

Where is the evidence that ARFID, and having a restricted diet generally, is equally distributed across all cultures rather than concentrated among cultures that feature the consumption of lots of highly-processed, beige foods?

The great thing about being an adult is that you can eat what you like.

So long as you're not expecting others constantly to cater to you, the best thing if accused of being "fussy" is to spend less time hanging out with people who try to force-feed you or judge your food choices. Adults don't need others to take it upon themselves to "educate" them.

What difference does it make? Cook meals you both like together and sometimes do separate. Don't insult his eating habits it's offensive. It doesn't matter what his reasons are he doesn't like certain foods, he's an adult leave him to it.

You're not obliged to feed him, he's not a child.

Make what you want, he can either eat it or sort himself out. If he doesn't eat what you make, you have leftovers to eat in the coming days or freeze for later.

This is so well written. Thank you.

I'm not really fussy but generally where I dislike something it's because of the texture...can't get on with sweet potato or aubergine.

There's practically nothing I won't eat if I have to (there probably is but I can't think of anything).

He does sound quite restricted in his diet and cooking methods. That would drive me crackers. Why not cook separately and eat at the same time? There's no law saying we have to eat the same meal.

Should add, I'm quite fussy but mostly around cold/picnic type food so it's easy to avoid (e.g. I would never have a ploughman's lunch or plate of picky bits, would only eat sandwiches I've made myself).