Fussy eaters, help me understand

[whoisthefusspot]

DP dislikes a lot of what I consider staple foods and is not a confident cook, whereas I fancy myself the opposite. I try not to act like a dick about this but fail fairly often, so would be grateful for any insight that might help me be kinder.

DP won't eat (might choke down if pressed): courgettes, aubergines, leeks, lentils, beans, peppers, copius onion, sushi, duck, skin, fat, anything too hot, most seafood... loads of stuff I'm forgetting. Some of these foods are among my favourites. He generally lives on plain protein, packet lettuce, and pasta/rice. Since I've known him, he has tried and liked a few new things, which is great and I try to be encouraging.

I won't eat offal (especially fish offal), mussels, and that's pretty much it. Would eat mussels if forced (just squeamish when I can see them). DP says I'm the fussy one because I dislike raw egg white on a fried egg and massively overcooked, unsalted chicken breast (burnt, dry). I was extremely pissed off when he said this, but tbf I do call him fussy all the time so maybe he was just getting revenge. I am not a lentil weaver, and happily eat instant noodles and McDonald's on occasion, I just like things to be how they should be!

Grateful for views from people who struggle with food as well as those who live with them - how do you avoid arguing? I sometimes insist upon cooking because I know he'll mess it up, which I know isn't great, and sometimes leads to little arguments... perhaps that means I'm fussy too, as well as a bit controlling.

So in spite of the fact you are nothing like the OP’s husband you’ve decided to use your circumstances as a way of shutting down a conversation on the topic of fussiness? Sweet.

No, the OP asked for experiences of living with people who are fussy/have restrictive diets and for comments from people who are fussy themselves. I responded to that.

You, on the other hand, decided to write a bit of dickish post about something you know nothing about.

Sweet

I used to be a very fussy eater. It’s improved a lot, but I'm still quite a fussy eater - for me, it tends to be a sensory thing.

There’s some foods that I don’t eat because I detest the way they smell, sometimes to the point where I feel nauseous if they’re on a table near me.
And texture’s a big thing too, if a food has the wrong texture, it’s unpleasant at best and nauseating at worst.
And then there’s some foods that smell fine, and have an acceptable texture, but taste absolutely vile.

And a lot of the foods I have issues are ones that other people consider to be perfectly normal things to eat.
I’m fully aware that other people often consider my eating likes and dislikes weird if I talk about it.

I find it helpful if people don’t make a big deal of it, or demand that we have to have the same meals all the time. DH and I often have different foods at mealtimes, and that works fine for us.
“Encouraging” me to try things isn’t something I generally find helpful, especially if the food is one that’s hitting those sensory triggers. Even if the encouragement is well meant, I find it stressful.

It’s not tasteless though is it, it’s just loaded with artificial flavour enhancers. It has the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices! Natural food often has far subtler flavours than processed food, it is less intense, it doesn’t shout sweet, or salt.

The chips are tasteless which is all I'd eat from a fast food outlet 🤷🏼‍♀️

They will taste of salt. Everything else is being provided by your sense of smell.

You seem as fussy as he is, just with different lists!

bluegrass And that's is part of the issue with ARFID.
Smell and texture influence what I feel comfortable eating.

But by all means, continue to tell me you know more about my eating disorder than I do.

This is just so OTT. I can't imagine being this angry about what another person eats 😳

Burnt chicken, mussels, and underdone eggs... yeah I accept that's not totally ideal (I would however eat all of these to be polite) but numerically it's clearly not the same lol.

People in famine situations don’t turn down food so yes, most eating issues are down to choice. If it came down to starve to death or eat pork id eat pork even though it makes me gag and the smell makes me feel sick.

Dh was brought up on 70s meat and two veg and had eaten almost no food from other cultures when I met him plus no seafood. Turns out it was mostly his mothers bad cooking and he now happily eats sushi, Mexican, Japanese etc etc. And yes I would have seriously reconsidered the relationship if he’d refused anything but basic nursery food. I couldn’t live with someone who refused to learn to eat a wider range of foods. And it absolutely is a choice. You have to keep trying unfamiliar foods (I was an adult before I ate courgettes, I now love them. Minor example. Many unfamiliar foods need multiple tastes before you learn to like them).

Gradual exposure as you would a fussy toddler. It’s learnt behaviour like many other types and can be unlearnt with a bit of effort. Said as someone who has recovered from an eating disorder.

I will say that I think the issues with food @TearsforBeers describes are completely understandable and I really sympathise. With DP, I am genuinely unsure what the issue is with a lot of these things. For example, he ate duck when I cooked it for him without the skin (sad) despite having sworn off it previously. I know is annoying to have people trying to persuade you what to eat but I, for example, refused to eat a lot of green veg and red meat until my 20s because of how my parents cooked them. Also if we end up having kids, I don't want to end up hiding how dad won't eat the courgettes etc. etc. I'm sure loads of people navigate it hence the question... it's just not an issue I've faced before.

weirdly always seems to be the healthy stuff they have problems with, never the high fat salt sugar beige shite from McDonalds or KFC).

The food from McDonalds, KFC etc tends to have the same taste, the same smell, the same texture every time. You know what you’re getting. There’s no surprises.

Fruit, vegetables - they’re not the same every time. The texture and smell changes depending on how ripe it is, or how it’s prepared. The taste can vary as well, sometimes even in the same punnet or bag of fruit you’ll get some that are relatively bland, and then some that taste super sweet or super sharp. Some fruit and veg tastes far more intense than anything I’ve had from McDonald’s.
The variability of fresh healthy food can be hard to deal with at times.

Why can’t you just eat what you like and he eat what he likes?

Autism is a reality, ARFID is a reality, having to put up with judgy ableist cunts is a reality.

Gradual exposure as you would a fussy toddler. It’s learnt behaviour like many other types and can be unlearnt with a bit of effort. Said as someone who has recovered from an eating disorder.

I'm sure don't mean to sound patronising but with ARFID it's really not learnt behaviour. I'm
not a fussy toddler.
Through extensive hypnotherapy I have managed to introduce some foods to my diet but ARFID is predominantly a sensory issue. There are certain good types that I will never be able to eat no matter how much exposure I have to them.

Because that means cooking 2 separate meals every night which is a logistical PITA, waste of money and energy too. And sharing a meal is important to me. Plus what would we do if we had kids?

We have two kids and we eat what we want, sometimes together, sometimes all together the same thing, sometimes all together but different slight variations and additions, sometimes eat together but totally different things, sometimes eat separately 🤷‍♀️ Surely it’s better than making anyone or everyone feel shit, arguing and having to eat things you don’t like?

Also is it really fair to compare badly cooked (burnt/overcooked) meat to veggies in general no matter what you do. This is annoying me. I don't want to be a dictator but burnt overcooked chicken is objectively wrong.

Also if we end up having kids, I don't want to end up hiding how dad won't eat the courgettes etc. etc. I'm sure loads of people navigate it hence the question... it's just not an issue I've faced before.

How you deal with issue with kids takes effort on both parts. I was adamant that my son wouldn't pick up my eating issues but it was hard for me at times.
Thankfully he's a brilliant eater and I've explained in child friendly terms why I eat differently to him and daddy. It can be done!

I definitely agree with it being better not to argue, but that just sounds like such a lot of hassle to me... also I know I'd just end up doing all the cooking.

I disagree. A lot of those things aren't common dislikes, at least not in my circles.

OP in my opinion that is a restrictive list of foods that he will eat. I would find it annoying. Unfortunately there's not much you can do except to cook and eat separately.

My DH has ARFID, I love all kinds of food. My children don't have a limited diet. ARFID is not learned behaviour, if my DH didn't have access to safe foods, he would starve. He wouldn't be able to just eat what's available.

So many people being sneery and judgy of a recognised eating disorder...

I definitely agree with it being better not to argue, but that just sounds like such a lot of hassle to me... also I know I'd just end up doing all the cooking.

You definitely need to share the cooking.
In our house if I'm cooking I'll just make a slightly different variation for me but essentially it's the same meal but I'll leave off what I don't like.
If DH wants something I don't like at all
He'll cook it for him and DS and I'll just sort myself out.

But you’ve just proved the point that it is possible to learn to eat previously disliked things! I totally get the sensory issue- fat on meat makes me gag and feel sick. But you can learn to get over it with gradual repeated exposure.