Fussy eaters, help me understand

[whoisthefusspot]

DP dislikes a lot of what I consider staple foods and is not a confident cook, whereas I fancy myself the opposite. I try not to act like a dick about this but fail fairly often, so would be grateful for any insight that might help me be kinder.

DP won't eat (might choke down if pressed): courgettes, aubergines, leeks, lentils, beans, peppers, copius onion, sushi, duck, skin, fat, anything too hot, most seafood... loads of stuff I'm forgetting. Some of these foods are among my favourites. He generally lives on plain protein, packet lettuce, and pasta/rice. Since I've known him, he has tried and liked a few new things, which is great and I try to be encouraging.

I won't eat offal (especially fish offal), mussels, and that's pretty much it. Would eat mussels if forced (just squeamish when I can see them). DP says I'm the fussy one because I dislike raw egg white on a fried egg and massively overcooked, unsalted chicken breast (burnt, dry). I was extremely pissed off when he said this, but tbf I do call him fussy all the time so maybe he was just getting revenge. I am not a lentil weaver, and happily eat instant noodles and McDonald's on occasion, I just like things to be how they should be!

Grateful for views from people who struggle with food as well as those who live with them - how do you avoid arguing? I sometimes insist upon cooking because I know he'll mess it up, which I know isn't great, and sometimes leads to little arguments... perhaps that means I'm fussy too, as well as a bit controlling.

Yep, don't like eating totally raw cold egg whites with the texture of early-cold snot. So odd of me.

Fussy eaters give me the rage, like nails down a blackboard. I can’t think of anything that I’ve been offered and not at least tried, or eaten a reasonable amount of to be polite. In some cases people with far less than me were offering what was, to them, the best parts of the dish. I would eat it and show how grateful I was to them - food is precious!

His diet does seem a bit child like, although my kids eat a fair about of the things you listed, beans are pretty inoffensive!

Just cook for yourselves, problem solved. It's not ideal but will save rowing and you both eat what you like.

You do sound very set in your ways and that your way is the correct way.

You both just need to make your own meals and not judge each other for their food choices.

You use language that infantilises your partner. If you removed the context I would have assumed you were talking about a young child.

He's an adult who has different tastes to you and possibly different skills ( if he really can't cook) he's not a child who needs to be encouraged to try foods he doesn't like.

Some of the posts from people with actual food issues have been helpful, actually. But the pile on is just annoying. Especially as if I'd portrayed myself in a more flattering way DP would be called an abuser etc. etc.

I guess you've never met anyone with an eating disorder then?

It seems to me that you're the judgemental one.
It isn't your place to "gently encourage" an adult to eat things.

I live with a fussy eater, it does my head in! The thing is he will eat the healthy food I make if we have nothing else in but most of the time he’ll cook himself some chips instead. He basically lives on chips. If I suggest cooking something new he acts with disgust at the idea. Will claim he doesn’t like most foods before admitting he hasn’t tried them. Usually ends up liking them once he has tried them so I understand why you encourage your dp to try other foods as well!

Which is exactly how a fussy eater with a thing about egg-whites describes the unwelcome presence of some clear egg-white on their fried egg. Snotty, slimy, etc. Anyone else would either eat it alongside the rest of the egg, or push any excess to one side. The "urgh it's like snot" disproportionate disgust reaction is standard fussy eater.

Ah so I'm privileged? How do you know im privileged? Is that supposed to shut me down?

Honestly just accept him as a fussy eater and eat the foods that he doesn't like for meals that aren't shared. My dh just sees my fussiness as part of me as a whole. He sees not being able to have macaroni cheese or sausage casserole for dinner as a small, insignificant sacrifice he makes for living with the woman he loves 🤣

It's still cold. That's not normal. In any case, a simple solution is flip it for 10 seconds. I am not discounting food group or asking for different meals.

Some of the posts from people with actual food issues have been helpful, actually. But the pile on is just annoying. Especially as if I'd portrayed myself in a more flattering way DP would be called an abuser etc. etc.

People can only go off the information they've been presented with.
There hasn't been a pile on, it's just people reacting to the way you describe your interactions with your partner.

If you don't want to be insulted, don't say insulting things. I am not treating DP as toddler by trying to encourage him to eat things that he's not been familiar with previously, you have no idea why that is the case.

It's still cold. That's not normal.

It's his normal 🤷🏼‍♀️

OK, but if he's cooking for me, just flip it - no need to make a fuss about me liking it. How about cooking meat to the point where it's like leather, is that just his normal too?

This teaches me to try to be fair to him then. Will portray myself as a victim in future.

Some people prefer sunny-side-up vs over-easy. Most people would tolerate either, even if they prefer the other one.

I'm just trying to show you that you do understand fussy eating — I'm not criticising you for having an aversion to clear egg-white. I have my own aversions, which are equally irrational. I think most people probably have some things they're fussy about, and you're no exception. The thing you're trying to understand isn't as alien to you as you think it is. Understanding of someone who dislikes foods that you enjoy is within your reach.

OK, but if he's cooking for me, just flip it - no need to make a fuss about me liking it.
In fairness I would cook things to my partners preference BUT maybe he's fed up of you 'gently encouraging' him to change his eating habits so he's just doing the same.

How about cooking meat to the point where it's like leather, is that just his normal too?

Sounds like it. If he likes it that way then yes, that's his normal.

Sounds like you both need to be more understanding.

I don't get some of the responses being you OP when you clearly eat a varied and healthy diet with a couple of idiosyncrasies. We've all got them and they don't equate to fussiness. I even double-checked to make sure you hadn't put thus on AIBU!

His actual diet as you describe it does sound incredibly restricted and unhealthy. Personally I would find it a deal breaker as I simply enjoy good food too much, including the experience of sharing it.

That said, I wonder about your DPs list of dislikes. It's broad but not all-encompassing so doesn't really justify his atrocious diet. Also, a lot of the items on the list remind me of those on the diet list for FODMAP patients (looked into them recently for my mum who's an IBS sufferer.) It might be useful to look at some of the very detailed lists out on the internet, see where it overlaps, and then take a very close look at the list of recommended food under that type of diet. There's a shit ton of veggies on there he's obviously not exploring but which might agree with him more than onions, aubergines or legumes. You might even find some common areas there.

OK. I understand - thanks, it's helpful. Sorry for not getting it at first.

You are treating him as a toddler though if you are trying to encourage him. You might not see it that way but it is.

Unless by encourage you mean saying "do you want to try a bit of mine" when you're eating something that he isn't, something that you don't know if he likes or not. And not persevering if he says no. But if he says he doesn't want to eat something and you 'encourage' him to try it then you are treating him like a toddler.

This teaches me to try to be fair to him then. Will portray myself as a victim in future.

So, you didn't like the responses you got so next time you'll lie? That's awful.

What were you hoping for? That everyone would agree with you?

I am not fussy but I know what I like , I heave at smells, taste and textures of lots of foods, made worse if anyone cooks them wrong as I then go off them too.

Also I know what being treated like a toddler by people trying to 'gently encourage' me to try new foods feels like. I've had it my whole life, it isn't nice, however well meaning people think they are being.