Fussy eaters, help me understand

[whoisthefusspot]

DP dislikes a lot of what I consider staple foods and is not a confident cook, whereas I fancy myself the opposite. I try not to act like a dick about this but fail fairly often, so would be grateful for any insight that might help me be kinder.

DP won't eat (might choke down if pressed): courgettes, aubergines, leeks, lentils, beans, peppers, copius onion, sushi, duck, skin, fat, anything too hot, most seafood... loads of stuff I'm forgetting. Some of these foods are among my favourites. He generally lives on plain protein, packet lettuce, and pasta/rice. Since I've known him, he has tried and liked a few new things, which is great and I try to be encouraging.

I won't eat offal (especially fish offal), mussels, and that's pretty much it. Would eat mussels if forced (just squeamish when I can see them). DP says I'm the fussy one because I dislike raw egg white on a fried egg and massively overcooked, unsalted chicken breast (burnt, dry). I was extremely pissed off when he said this, but tbf I do call him fussy all the time so maybe he was just getting revenge. I am not a lentil weaver, and happily eat instant noodles and McDonald's on occasion, I just like things to be how they should be!

Grateful for views from people who struggle with food as well as those who live with them - how do you avoid arguing? I sometimes insist upon cooking because I know he'll mess it up, which I know isn't great, and sometimes leads to little arguments... perhaps that means I'm fussy too, as well as a bit controlling.

Im going to hold my hands up and admit that it really grinds my gears when grown adults are hyper fussy about food. I have a friend who's dh is like this and i hate going out for dinner with them because it's either somewhere like Nando's or the Harvester or he's constantly moaning that he doesn't like anything.

Im going to hold my hands up and admit that it really grinds my gears when grown adults are hyper fussy about food.

I have ARFID. It's an eating disorder.
Would you feel the same about someone with anorexia?

I am not sure I can deal with the level of judgement here. I'm never horrible to him about picking stuff out of food etc (i do 90% of the cooking). He was harsh about me not liking raw egg whites, when I've tried to gently encourage. He gets angry when I don't tidy up in the way he likes while I cook something more complicated than he could manage.

Op him washing meat is incredibly bad food hygiene practice and so is undercooked eggs! Both major causes of food poisoning especially salmonella.

@TearsforBeers no I understand that its a mental illness but lets be honest not every fussy person has an eating disorder...they are simply fussy!

I know, I've told him, he says he doesn't believe me.

Sorry that was go @gettingoldisshit

He won't eat courgettes, aubergines, leeks, lentils, beans, peppers, copius onion, sushi, duck, skin, fat, anything too hot, most seafood..
That's a lot of dislikes, it would annoy the hell out of me.
Living on chicken breast, plain rice and lettuce is absolutely not normal it's a very restricted diet.

I don't know the answer because I sympathise with not being able to share enjoyment of a meal. Obviously if you eat out you can each order differently but cookitwo separate meals at home isn't feasible.
One of my DC was fussy but nothing on that scale and he grew out of it (apart from courgettes 😂)

Maybe you're just not compatible if you're both getting angry over such small things.
I have some food issues and my diet is pretty restricted because of them, my husband has never once made a remark or got angry that I won't/can't eat certain things.

As a fussy eater, it makes you feel like shit when its obvious that someone is pissed off with you about it. It's not through choice and you wish you could just eat anything from any restaurant so that you don't inconvenience anyone.

I'm willing to bet that he hates going out for dinner with you too. Honestly if you can't tolerate it then just don't go out for dinner with them as a couple.

DH has an extremely small food list. He does try. Dd has an extremely small list too. She has an autism diagnosis. Their lists have very little overlap

our solution is that we don’t all eat the same meal and that I absolutely refuse to cook for DH because he can’t even handle natural variations in cooking. If he wants to cook for me, I eat whatever he is making and possibly add something to fill out my meal because he will often just eat one thing like just plain meat or just carrots and nothing else.

I understand that but tbh I find it odd when people get annoyed at other people's eating habits!!

Some people get really angry about it!

Can I ask why you feel the need to 'gently encourage' him to eat things he doesn't like?
That's really infantilising.

I get pissed off with people who try to get me to eat things I don't like so maybe that's why he's being harsh?

My DH is a fussy eater and I fear the children are following in his footsteps. He will only eat chips, potatoes, pizza, burgers, chicken breasts, white pasta, tomatoes, iceberg lettuce, peas, baked beans, meat balls, ham, cheese, white bread. Carrot but only roasted not boiled. Variants on the above. Absolutely no seafood, even fish fingers! He will eat peppers in fajitas.

Nothing else!

I will 'cook' him some oven crap most of the time although I do ensure at least one meal not ultra processed a week.

I on the other hand eat my 30 plant points a week, don't touch white anything, don't really eat any potatoes (too bland) love spice and flavour! I do worry about his diet generally although none of us are overweight his is just so unhealthy.

He does no cooking or food prep at all (aside from his breakfasts when he doesn't work) so we have takeaway once a week but he only does sausage and chips from the chippy, pizza or McDs. I do like McDs but would love a curry or a Chinese takeaway! He won't eat either. Eating out is also very difficult, basically only Italian. Dull.

Because he assumes he doesn't like a lot of things. He's from a different culture and hasn't been exposed to a lot of foods for various reasons. I try to help. It is sometimes successful.

I'm surprised at the level of disagreement you're getting on this thread tbh, but I guess there are a lot of defensive fussy eaters out there 😅

Fwiw I couldn't really deal with this either. I consider myself someone who used to be fussy (like 20 years ago when I was a teenager), and that was when I wouldn't eat olives, seafood/fish, aubergines or mushrooms. So some of the things on your list but not all. I think your DHs diet sounds restrictive and I'd find it frustrating too.

Now I pretty much eat anything. My DH always ate everything and he would cook for me and cook stuff I didn't really like and gradually I just lost my fussiness. So I think it certainly is possible to get a taste for things by just trying them and getting over it. But you have to be willing to and it doesn't sound like your DH is, so you probably just have to suck it up and eat separately or never eat what you want, I guess 😕

when I've tried to gently encourage

Why do you think you have the right to 'gently encourage' a grown adult to try new foods. He's not a toddler.

I cannot stand it when people do that to me. People should just mind their own business, I'll eat what I want to eat, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

@ETref I would agree he probably doesn't like going out for dinner with me! Its the constant complaining and questioning of restaurant staff that really irritates me! I actually have a dc who has sensory problems and eats a fairly restricted diet but even they don't behave like this when out for dinner. They will just pick something plain that they can eat from the menu eg , chips, plain rice etc and not make a massive song and dance about it! Some fussy people seem to revel in being a massive pain in the arse.

Because he assumes he doesn't like a lot of things. He's from a different culture and hasn't been exposed to a lot of foods for various reasons. I try to help. It is sometimes successful.
You talk about him like he's a child.

As I said, he has appreciated it sometimes. He hasn't had the privilege to have access to everything, as you have.

Complaining about the existence of some clear egg-white on a lightly-done fried egg is absolute classic fussy eater territory 😅 It's not dangerous, lion-marked eggs (which is almost all of them) are from salmonella-vaccinated hens. You just don't like it. Which is fine! But at least admit that you understand fussy eating perfectly well when it's your own; it's only other people's that you don't get.

Some fussy people seem to revel in being a massive pain in the arse.

That's generally how you know it's not an eating disorder! I go to great lengths not to draw attention to myself when eating with others

Op isn’t describing fussy. She is describing two people with different tastes

What do you want me to say? He's an adult who cannot cook for whatever reason. That's a small portion of life. Perhaps you're confusing helping/caring for someone as 'treating them like a child'.

You don't seem like you really want advice or help understanding if I'm honest.

I guess being advised to just leave him be wasn't what you were hoping to hear!!