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Is this village life?

193 replies

Hocuspocusnonsense · 19/04/2023 10:45

I’ve moved from London to a village in Surrey to raise a family. I have 3 young children

The village has a duck pond so I took my children to look at the ducks and an elderly couple spoke to me and my children, all nice and friendly until they asked if I’ve always lived in the village and I said no I’ve moved here from London, to which he replied ‘We’re sick of you Londoners moving here’ and walked off.

I joined the local toddler group and it quickly became apparent that everyone knew each other, most had grown up in the village, went to school together etc and no one was interested in chatting because they had their friends there.

Since being at the local village school I have lost count of how many times I’ve been asked which road I live in....I know it’s to size up how much my house is worth. And to top it off just before the Easter hols I had a mum ask me in front of another mum “Do you receive the holiday club vouchers, you’re low income aren’t you?” I was really taken aback. I actually have a good career not that I broadcast it (earn £40k) but I drive a Fiat and my car is 9 years old, most mums drive newer, bigger beast cars.

Is this normal village life?

OP posts:
RenoDakota · 19/04/2023 11:50

I used to live in a beautiful village right in the middle of the Surrey Hills. Could only afford to live there as bought a (lovely) council house. Never once felt like the poor relation as it was a fabulously friendly place. I still miss it.
But always had a little inner smile whenever one of the very posh (but also friendly) women referred to our road as 'the estate'. ie council estate.

Commonsensitivity · 19/04/2023 11:53

It can be. Don't listen to those minimising your experience. Ime moving to a new, parochial area can be brutal especially if they are one of those places that lack an outward looking and welcoming philosophy. You can either tough it out and try and find some like minded souls or move somewhere more diverse. Can you make a list of pros and cons?

Rewis · 19/04/2023 11:59

In my limited experience that's village life. I mean not necessarily the voucher and flat out saying they think you're low income. But disliking outsiders, asking about your roads etc. Defo is.

BreviloquentBastard · 19/04/2023 12:02

Sorry this has been your experience OP! I grew up in a little Welsh village, moved to a city for a bit, then moved back to a different little Welsh village. There was an air of suspicion aimed at me for a while by the older residents of the new village but they soon got over it. No one here cares how much you earn and most people drive old cars or don't drive at all. My closest neighbour exclusively gets around in a pony and trap but she is a tad eccentric.

I love living here, wouldn't change it for the world. Although every Nana knows my business, can't go anywhere without being stopped and roped into a 20 minute chat, and the gossiping is insane I wouldn't have it any other way.

blackpearwhitelilies · 19/04/2023 12:03

It certainly can be, though obviously it's not universal. Ruth Fainlight wrote a poem about this called something like the English Country Cottage or Village, so it's a phenomenon that's been going on for decades.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 19/04/2023 12:04

Its entirely my experience. Yes this is village life, small village school life. Everyone obsessed with how much money you have and what you get. Mine are grown up now but when at the village primary I've had people ask my kids why they don't ski, parents asking me why we don't have a new car, why can't I buy a new car, then I've been cut out of groups as I have a professional job which people can't understand easily, I've got a list as long as your arm. I've got one neighbour who collects information about local people, its like her hobby. Someone might say to her "oh you know MrsHangerLane?" and she'll say "yes, her first name is x and she is married to y, her kids went to x school, one went to ABC uni" and so on.

I'm in the process of moving.

onlyabitnosy · 19/04/2023 12:11

googlejourney · 19/04/2023 11:07

Come up north! We're friendly and welcome newcomers up here, doesn't matter what you drive!

Too cold

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 19/04/2023 12:15

For those talking about areas outside of the South/South east, I wonder if the thing about how much money you have/car you drive is more prevalent down here, whereas in areas like Wales/North of England there is a bit of an "outsider" vibe but nothing to do with what registration your car is etc?

Hbh17 · 19/04/2023 12:19

Random people saying "hello" is one of the many reasons I could never live in a village. I love the anonymity of a city, where people respect your privacy/ignore you. So I guess that a village will take some getting used to....

LaylaLjungberg · 19/04/2023 12:20

Look beyond the stepford wives and find some old school locals. I live and have always lived in a very desirable village but I’m straight off the farm and am totally fed up with the range rovers arriving and massive fences going up. Look up some of the weirdos, we have good gardening tips and make excellent cakes.

AliceTheeCamel · 19/04/2023 12:26

The village has a duck pond so I took my children to look at the ducks and an elderly couple spoke to me and my children, all nice and friendly until they asked if I’ve always lived in the village and I said no I’ve moved here from London, to which he replied ‘We’re sick of you Londoners moving here’ and walked off

I joined the local toddler group and it quickly became apparent that everyone knew each other, most had grown up in the village, went to school together etc and no one was interested in chatting because they had their friends there

I live in a village, but in the South West. These bits I would say resonate a bit with my experience of village life (although the older folks in our village wouldn't bother asking us if we'd always lived in the village, they already KNOW we'd moved from elsewhere and roughly when as well 😂).

The rest of your OP, no.

My kids are at a nearby village school and there's a real mix of incomes and backgrounds. Generally it's not a very affluent area and the school has cancelled things like Christmas Jumper Day and World Book Day so that people don't feel pressured to buy jumpers/costumes.

AgrathaChristie · 19/04/2023 12:31

I moved to a village, absolutely hate it. So snobbish, so insular, for some reason thinking a village in this area is the bees knees. I think my Manc accent sticks out a bit too, though it’s rare for anyone to speak to me apart from shop, pharmacy, PO.
In some villages too in the south there is definitely a divide between people who’ve moved from London and those who haven’t.
I’m thinking if moving back to a town.

MrsAvocet · 19/04/2023 12:39

Not my experience, though I am about as far away from Surrey as you can get and still be in England. I also suspect your idea of what constitutes a village is probably a bit different to mine. A school with 200 pupils in would be viewed as very big here. My children's primary had about 45 kids in it and wasn't the smallest in the area by a long way.
There are families in our village who have lived in the same farm for 10 generations and as an incomer you're never going to belong to the place in quite the same way as them, but there's a good mix of people and I have never felt unwelcome. It's friendly enough but people definitely don't live in each others pockets, and if there's gossip, I don't know about it and so I don't care.
Money is definitely not a big issue here, though trailer envy is a thing. We have a large, fairly beaten up double axle trailer and people not infrequently put notes through our door saying if we ever want to sell it then to give them a call. But the weather is often terrible and the roads are even worse so on the whole people don't drive fancy cars or get dressed up much and you're more likely to see muddy wellies than designer shoes at the school gates.
There are of course incomers that people don't like. Usually second home owners or people who arrive wanting to change things dramatically. But I arrived from a major city 20 odd years ago to work here, in a public sector job that couldn't be filled locally, and I have never encountered animosity. If there are people in the village who don't like me, I am pretty sure it will be because they aren't keen on my personality, not because I wasn't born here. My children were born and brought up here and their friends are a mix of kids from longstanding local families, people like us who moved here a good while ago, and more recent arrivals. I don't see anyone being treated differently.
Not that I dispute that other people have different experiences but you really can't generalise that all villages and their residents are a particular way.

Zippedydoo123 · 19/04/2023 12:39

I think you have just been unlucky. Give it a bit longer and in time you will find some people there you click with. Ideally fellow mums.

Allthenaughtydogs · 19/04/2023 12:40

I moved to a tiny village in Hampshire from London.
You were either super-rich and socialised shooting, hob-nobbing at the local charity fundraising events and eating at the very over-priced pubs, or you were a born and bred local and lived in a small house and refused to talk to anyone new to the village.
I lived there for 3 years and joined every club and community thing going and never made a single friend.

Hillary17 · 19/04/2023 12:52

Sounds like Surrey to me!

krustykittens · 19/04/2023 12:58

It does depend on the village, it is certainly like that where we live. We just crack on and try and make friends where we can. It's a lot harder, though!

RedToothBrush · 19/04/2023 13:01

I think it's more common than you realise actually.

I know a number of villages where there has been a massive influx of people from London / SE over the last twenty years as they were desirable as a location.

Meanwhile families that have lived here for generations have been priced out - mainly working class types - the only ones who remain live in the small amount of council housing and older middle people have found their kids who have gone away to university can't afford to move back.

There's a definite tension. Most of the time these people will be friendly enough to 'outsider' and won't be as direct as the person in the OPs story.

However because I lived in the area a long time, I am well aware that if I mention this to these groups in conversation, they do instantly change tone and are friendlier especially if they originally assumed I was an 'outsider'. Usually it takes me to raise it unsolicited to take away a grumpy veneer. They will have a conversation about various things and take more time in a different way to newcomers with me.

Indeed DH had a more direct incident over Easter. He was helping out doing something for the community and got someone whinging directly about people moving in etc etc. DH hasn't grown up in the vicinity but he's well aware of the issue. He isn't from the SE - he's from somewhere much more working class. He knows to stress that he 'married in' rather than 'bought in and moved up'. Again whinging bloke changed tone and was much more supportive to the point he started to help DH spontaneously!

It's not all the time, and it's rarely as confrontational. And I know most people who move in, can live here and be completely unaware of the divide because they don't tend to mix with the longer term residents because the social circles tend to be separate. The 'outsiders' tend not to be so heavily involved in the older community issues and if they do get involved (which is less likely) tend to stick to their new things rather than invest in the 'traditions'. DH and I are particularly unusual because we fit in with/ belong to both social circles due to my past and DHs occupation and having a young son. This means we tend to notice the divide much more and it can be awkward at times if you get happen to get stuck in the middle of an issue.

I genuinely believe it exists in any village across the country which has had a significant migration from London / SE. You just don't necessarily see it, as it's got to such a point that the old guard has been so displaced / outnumbered. New movers can be insensitive / oblivious to this sense of 'losing identity'.

Personally I think it's tied up with generational change, and is natural to an extent. Speaking to my friends Dad, a couple of years ago before he died, it's not new. He grew up in the area and was in his 80s. His family moved in during the 1920s from Manchester. They were a family which had made money from cotton and were now moving out of the city for new ventures. This guy was born here but even in the 1970s when he stood for parish elections he faced hostility for being an outsider!

From what I've read, there was similar hostility a generation prior to that when the railway was built and that changed the nature of the area.

The problem is a marked change in population growth and economic affluence which makes it hard to miss for older residents and it's the affluence that grates and lack of awareness/ interest in the history of the place that hurts.

The irony for me is it's this group most opposed to new houses - which might help local residents and stop them being forced out.

I think it's dead complex and difficult to navigate. Places do change. It's normal and change can't be stopped. And some people always dislike change.

inappropriateraspberry · 19/04/2023 13:03

Not here. The village would have died years ago, without incomers investing. Not just by buying homes, but using the village shop, keeping the school going, being part of village events.
Sounds very cliquey.

RedToothBrush · 19/04/2023 13:06

googlejourney · 19/04/2023 11:07

Come up north! We're friendly and welcome newcomers up here, doesn't matter what you drive!

I live in the North.

It doesn't matter what you drive here. People are friendly enough.

But this divide / tension definitely does still exist.

Sorry to burst your bubble on this one.

Kittykatchunjy · 19/04/2023 13:07

ObiWanKanobi · 19/04/2023 11:11

We moved to a small village in Surrey a few years ago. It has taken some time and work but have now managed to "integrate" with the locals. We started going to the local pub and gradually getting to know a few people from there and then volunteered at the local cricket club during the summer. It just takes a bit of time.

On a side note- How does everyone afford these brand new beasty cars? We work our arses off for our joint income of £150k and my car is 15 years old (with no plans to replace it) yet the local gardener drives around in a 2 year old Audi!

You can't afford a new car on £150k? Blimey

lovelypidgeon · 19/04/2023 13:10

I live in a village in a different part of the country and, other than the comments about how well off you are, this sounds similar to how some people in my village are. I love the location of our village and loads of the people are really friendly but I do find it odd that almost the first question everyone asks me is 'are you local' (always makes me think of the shop keeper in League of Gentlemen). Even people who have lived all their lives in the nearest town, less than 4 miles away, are not seen as 'local'. Houses that are nearly 30 years old are referred to as 'The New Houses' with disdain. The New Houses are blamed for everything including heavy traffic on the main road (mainly used by people travelling between nearby towns), an increase in dog poo in the park, problems with parking at the local school (despite the fact that The New Houses are very close by so almost all of the people who live there walk), the fact that the local shop closed (!) and the (imagined) antisocial behaviour of Youths. There is a small housing development being built at the moment and according to the local grumblers this will basically be the end of days.

Kittykatchunjy · 19/04/2023 13:12

onlyabitnosy · 19/04/2023 12:11

Too cold

Agree, cold and dark, hate that hackneyed stuff about Northerners being more friendly, rubbish, you get nice and not so nice people everywhere

Bluevelvetsofa · 19/04/2023 13:15

I bet I could hazard a guess as to the Surrey village. Certainly, some bits of Surrey villages are very up themselves.

Bhyr358 · 19/04/2023 13:16

Yes this definitely can be normal village life. I used to firmly believe that if you're nice to people they're generally nice back. I never had a problem making friends or integrating wherever we lived, that was until we moved to a particular village in Worcestershire. I'm from Worcestershire - brought up in one village and have moved to 3 different villages over a 30+ year marriage (north, south and east of the city). Also spent a few years in Birmingham. This particular Worcestershire village, most of the people I met had grown up there and were the most insular, small minded, pursed lipped people I've ever met. I remember, at a school fete, introducing myself to the woman who ran the church hall as I wanted to book it for a party. "Hello" I said, "I'm Jenny, I emailed you about booking the hall". She looked me up and down and said "Yes I know who you are". Me - "I just thought I'd say hello and introduce myself", her "Ok". End of conversation. If I talk about it now I refer to it as "the village of the damned". Living there and experiencing being ostracised, judged, and gaslit, seriously dented my confidence and my mental health suffered. I made one friend, who was also an "incomer" so we were united in our marginalised misery! We moved after 7 years (friend also moved away) to where we live now and we've been so welcomed. I feel I can breath again and my confidence and good mental health have returned. I will never again assume however that if you're nice to people they'll generally be nice back.