Is this village life?

[Hocuspocusnonsense]

I’ve moved from London to a village in Surrey to raise a family. I have 3 young children

The village has a duck pond so I took my children to look at the ducks and an elderly couple spoke to me and my children, all nice and friendly until they asked if I’ve always lived in the village and I said no I’ve moved here from London, to which he replied ‘We’re sick of you Londoners moving here’ and walked off.

I joined the local toddler group and it quickly became apparent that everyone knew each other, most had grown up in the village, went to school together etc and no one was interested in chatting because they had their friends there.

Since being at the local village school I have lost count of how many times I’ve been asked which road I live in....I know it’s to size up how much my house is worth. And to top it off just before the Easter hols I had a mum ask me in front of another mum “Do you receive the holiday club vouchers, you’re low income aren’t you?” I was really taken aback. I actually have a good career not that I broadcast it (earn £40k) but I drive a Fiat and my car is 9 years old, most mums drive newer, bigger beast cars.

Is this normal village life?

It sounds as if you live in a village built on a solid bed of cunts, to coin a phrase.

Since being at the local village school I have lost count of how many times I’ve been asked which road I live in....I know it’s to size up how much my house is worth.

How do you know that? I live in a village and I would ask that as a way of making conversation and because I know the different roads in the village and so it’s just a way of talking with people. Are you sure you aren’t being over sensitive?

Villages have long memories. You can settle into the community but it takes time and you have to be proactive and get involved. Ignore the rude couple. There are rude people everywhere.

We moved to a small village in Surrey a few years ago. It has taken some time and work but have now managed to "integrate" with the locals. We started going to the local pub and gradually getting to know a few people from there and then volunteered at the local cricket club during the summer. It just takes a bit of time.

On a side note- How does everyone afford these brand new beasty cars? We work our arses off for our joint income of £150k and my car is 15 years old (with no plans to replace it) yet the local gardener drives around in a 2 year old Audi!

I can’t speak for all villages but I grew up in a very small town and yes, the locals were narrow minded and parochial and I moved out as soon as I was 18 to uni then London. You couldn’t pay me to go back there.

Absolutely or my experience and I've lived in villages all my life. But then I live in Lincolnshire.

If you’re anywhere near Haslemere then yes. A friend lived there, big house, good income, moved to another county because the locals were so snobbish.

I moved to a village in the midlands a few years ago and it’s nothing like that.

I've lived rurally pretty much my whole life and never experienced anything like this. Maybe it's you OP.

The toddler group, yes. The duck pond thing, possibly. The holiday vouchers, plain rude. My answer on the occasion it happens, "I'd love some vouchers but sadly we're not elligble. Annoying isn't it. We don't even get child benefit." Usually shuts people up.

It strongly resembles my experience as a non-Brit moving from London to a Midlands village (for work purposes) with DH and a baby (was still on mat leave). I've happily lived in villages and small towns in other countries, though never in the UK, and wasn't anticipating any problems, but it was a miserable period. I did all the 'right' things (got involved, volunteered, attended and later helped run toddler groups, had a child at the local school etc etc), but couldn't get past the insularity and fascination with 'placing' us socially/financially.

Everyone had always lived there (virtually all other parents in DS's class had been to the same school at roughly the same period, and had married other locals), and I think had never formed the habit of even having to introduce themselves to strangers, far less contemplate that they might be nice to get to know. And I had never seen so much social anxiety and interest in other people's possessions/houses/renting vs owning etc. Looking back, I think we caused puzzlement because I walked/cycled everywhere and worked, whereas the village hive mind thought that DH's income 'should' have supported me in leisure and given me a shiny big car and bouncy hair extensions. There were obviously some nice people, and we've kept in touch with a couple of nice people, but as a general thing, it was a lonely, grim time.

We shouldn't have given it six years...

No that's not normal, you just met some assholes which can live anywhere. I live in a village and when some people moved in from London a couple of years back everyone was really friendly and welcoming.

I grew up in villages and from my Mum's account of her experiences, that sounds accurate...25+ years ago! I nannied for a wealthy family in a Cheshire village and it was unpleasant, I was young and invisible, I got to watch from the sidelines and it's not anything I would want to experience for myself as an adult with my own family. Some people thrive in those environments but I can't stand it.

They don’t own the car they lease it. I like owning my own car, my last one was 22 years old and a real character. Every one in the village waved to it!
Yes, some villages can be like that, try to grow a thick skin and find like minded people.

All villages have a mix of people in them. Some of those people will be snobby, unfriendly and/or judgemental.
I live in quite a small village. I mostly love it, but will always be an incomer. Some of my neighbours are really - and understandably - fed up with how expensive living here has become. People moving into the area are a big part of that.
There are definitely roads and areas where you need to be wealthy to live (or inherit) and it has caused friction - especially between school parents. Jealousy maybe a factor.
On the plus side, it's a gorgeous place to live, we're fortunate to have a couple of shops and pubs, decent public transport and quite a vibrant community that is mostly kind, thoughtful and respectful of each other.

I live in a village 50 miles from central London in a different direction to you. I am one of the "always lived here for generations" group but I sincerely hope I and my fellow villagers are more welcoming than your lot sound. Being relatively close to London we do have some people who have moved from the city and commute. There have been some occasions when someone moves in and immediately they start complaining about normal village life, farm smells and noises, tractors and horses slowing traffic up, the lack of facilities, they then want to change everything, this doesn't go down too well so I'm wondering if your elderly couple might have experienced this and assumed all Londoner's are like that. There can be a lot of gossip in villages with people knowing everyone else's business, I grew up with it but if you are not use to it then I can understand it might feel strange. Although it has its disadvantages it also means we are looking out for each other, I'm always shocked when I hear of people dying and not being found for weeks, I can't imagine that ever happening here as they would soon be missed. My usual opening question with someone who has recently moved in is to ask what part of the village they live in, not for any reason it's just a handy opening to a conversation and it soon becomes apparent if they are someone who wants to engage in conversation or not. I have heard that the village school in the next village to us can be a bit like you describe with some Mum's only wanting to befriend those they feel are well off, that's a shame and it's not what I experienced at the school my DC's attended. All villages are different, hopefully you will find a group of like minded people who you can get along with.

I live in a village on the south coast, and everyone here has been nothing but friendly and welcoming.

When we first moved here (north)I was asked when waiting to collect my boys from first day at school "What does one's husband do?" Never became friends with her but we pass the time of day occasionally. She moved so not often here.
Luckily a week later I met someone that I hit it off with and also had three boys. She is my best friend (35yrs) and our boys have grown up together and still see each other/help each other out and DD is like their little sister. She has moved several times but is back here now. You just need to find the ones you gel with and it isn't always about money as I am friendly with near neighbours who are millionaires.We certainly aren't. Real mix in this village.

OBi
We also drive an old car, Vauxhall Astra. They don't ever own them just buy 'on tick' as in they lease them to make themselves feel /look good. I know a car financier and he says he 'sells' 95% of cars like this. He also says he would never buy a new car himself.He drives a nice car but it is a company car.He is quite upfront about it.He moved into the village about 2 years ago, we like him as he is down to earth.
We might not have as much material wise as some but it is all paid for and that is how we like it. My bank manager was very surprised at my "health check" meeting that I had no credit.
I would love a joint income of £150,000. I think ours was about 50,000.

<snort>

This is where generalisations aren’t very accurate! I grew up in a small, poor town in the north and anyone ‘different’ was immediately treated with both hostility and suspicion. Someone moving from leafy Surrey would be deemed ‘posh’, be probed endlessly and aggressively about their accent and referred to as the posh one from now until the end of time.

We lease a car. It’s not to make myself ‘look fancy’, it’s because I have absolutely no interest in car ownership and being responsible for its repairs and upkeep. By leasing, if something goes wrong someone picks it up, fixes it, drops it back and it’s all covered in my monthly repayments. Having a full time job and three children, including one who is disabled, this ease and peace of mind is invaluable to me.
So much weird snobbery towards car leasing. It’s a practical solution for many. Would you sneer at someone renting a house that they just want to ‘look fancy’ living somewhere that they couldn’t afford to buy?

I have a lot of sympathy with locals getting priced out of their own villages but I don't know what the solution is to that. I moved from London to another, smaller city, then to a village and was able to get a bigger place each time. My neighbours have all been here a long time, but they have been very kind of welcoming, a nice trait for humans to have. It sounds like you've moved to a bitchy area, this is really unfortunate. Can you shrug it off?

I live in a village - its not all that you describe and I find it an enjoyable place to live and bring up the kids overall and not at all stifling

BUT...
if your perceptions are just based on school mums on the playground or parents at toddler group then I can see why it might feel like that. Most of the village pals I've created all work and so aren't regularly on the playground or at toddler groups.... and we're all quite normal! Some of the mums I've spoken to on the playground (on the occassion I am able to do pick-up) have come across a bit like you suggest though and I admit I did get asked what car I drive by a lady I'd only just met that day, which was very odd!

I think asking what road you live on is actually usually just the person figuring out if you're neighbours, or whether your children might play out together etc. though, so try not to be too sensitive about the questions!

No. Moving to a village is the best thing I've ever done.
I guess it depends on the village 🤷🏼‍♀️

I live in a northern village where nobody could care less what you drive or how much you earn. They're just friendly, normal people.

This is what my DH says when the locals here complain.

Very similar experience to you @Hocuspocusnonsense where we are (desirable part of rural Wales) - friends who moved here from London a year ago have been told they shouldn't have come, are not welcome etc. They are selling up, life's too short.

Sounds like you should look for a more welcoming village as they can't all be the same 💐

Definitely nothing like my village.
I live in the midlands, moved here as a single parent with a tiny baby, didn't know anyone. Everyone was really welcoming.
Man over the road cleared the snow off my drive.
Neighbours gave me calpol when I'd run out and couldn't get out as DS was poorly after jabs.
Really welcoming toddler group.

There's a lot of affluence and some massive houses but I've never felt it was snobby.