Have you planned the end of your life? If you're middle aged.

[VillefrancheSurMere]

I'm 42 and my Dad just moved into a care home with Alzheimer's. Mum still at home but elderly. My family was always very unemotional and I went low contact years ago, but have stepped up contact a bit since my fathers illness. No word was ever spoken about how their lives would end, no contingency plan for what care they might put in place. According to my mother they just thought they'd stay in their home! But have never had a conversation together. All very stiff upper lip.

It's been quite stressful looking for care homes and arranging the finances. My mum is refusing to engage in any conversations about the future in terms of her own care needs. I am assuming they don't have funeral plans and that this will fall in me when the time comes. I recall my mother planning her mothers funeral and finding it a burden.

I have a young DD and am determined that I don't want her to have a burden of arranging our care or end of life decisions where at all possible and within reason. Time to look into things and get some plans locked in (myself and my DH).

I've no idea where to start or how to go about doing this. Care homes are awful and I've seen all my grandparents and now my father simply decline and waste away in them, despite the extortionate eye-watering costs involved. But what other choices are there unless you're Richard Branson?

Have you arranged your end of life care options, funeral etc well in advance of when you assume / hope they'll be needed? Are there any one-stop shops for this kind of thing?

I can't help suspecting that other countries do this stuff better and that the stiff upper lip mentality in my family has been deeply unhelpful. But it's time we started to take responsibility.

I’m off to Switzerland if I get diagnosed with dementia.

If I’m lucky enough to avoid that, I plan to move into some kind of sheltered accommodation at around 70, while it’s still my decision to do so.

Im not denying reality and stressing my kids out. It’s awful to live with failing parents in denial.

No op. I wouldn't know where to begin either.

I haven't planned anything. I'll see how it goes. Which has basically been how I've got through life so far 🤣

But this is the problem isn't it

I think it's wise to think about these things, even if it's as simple as making sure you live somewhere where you can live comfortably on the ground floor if needed, so a downstairs bathroom and somewhere that can become a bedroom.
My late parents didn't do any of this, it was fine for my dad, but mum got dementia and kept on falling, the final one in the downstairs loo which was small and she was very close to being trapped in there. She ended up in a nursing home as she was safer there and needed constant watching.

It's certainly made me think about doing some planning ahead. We will hopefully move to a smaller place, especially smaller garden that hopefully we will be able to cope better in as we get increasingly frail. Just have to hope neither of us get dementia.

I've made a start on it. Have just done LPOAs for me and DH which are being registered with the COP so they can be put into effect whenever needed.

Have simplified our wills, downsized the house, got rid of a lifetime's worth of stuff. (Look up "death cleaning" which is done in the nordic countries and saves your family from having to deal with all your crap when you die.)

Am writing a statement of wishes to keep with the simplified will and LPOAs which includes not being interested in being kept alive in the event of serious loss of quality of life or losing my marbles. I'm totally in favour of voluntary euthanasia.

In the event of facing a horrible long terminal illness I hope to get a top-end glamping tent at Glasto, score some serious drugs, get off my tits and pass away ungraciously in the mosh pit.

Jeezo, no! I'm 53 and DH is 50, and the only thing we talk about is travelling more when we are retired. What "plan" can anyone make at this point? You have no idea what life will throw at you.

I think you're over thinking it because of what's happening with your parents right now. And I do get that.

We moved my Dad in to a retirement village. Guess what, it's still horrendous if he gets ill. You have to arrange care packages until he recovers. It's a repeating cycle of him being well and unwell. Not sure how we could do it better? The whole thing feels rubbish and inadequate at times.

I've made and paid for my funeral arrangements, made a will and discussed with my nearest and dearest but no I havent considered what will happen if I need care going forward. I would hate to be a burden to my family, so would probably follow previous poster and go to Switzerland.

LPAs, will, living will made, wishes about type of funeral and arrangements. Will be buying an independent house or apartment in a local retirement village with multi need arrangements when I retire in 5 years.

I don't think there's much you can do at your age to be honest. We have wills and LPOA but nothing else. My dad has recently had to go into a care home and it is unbelievably stressful sorting everything out. There are definitely thing he could have done over the last 5 years or so that would have made it easier but not when he was still middle aged.

I think you need a balance, so for example I have life insurance and I've spoken to DH about my wishes if I were to die (e.g. hymns I'd like at my funeral, where I'd like to be laid to rest). I've also made a passwords doc so he can get into all my accounts and we both have wills. But I feel like 'planning' beyond that is depressing and also pointless, so much can change and life, illness and death are so unpredictable.

I do wish (older) people who are actually facing death felt more comfortable having these conversations, we had no idea what my parent wanted to happen when they died and that made it all more difficult.

A lot of elderly people shoved meds under their mattresses but by the time comes, they've forgotten, with dementia etc.. so don't rely on a trip to Switzerland!

I’m hoping by then euthanasia is legal. If I a at the stage I need to be in a home it is time to gracefully bow out. Quality of life not quantity. I want my children to have the inheritance we worked for not squandered on keeping me going needlessly.

@DeeplyMovingExperience your Glasto idea is my new life goal if I get terminally ill 😂😂

Mum died in Jan and it has made me think more. She put money away for her funeral but it barely covered half. Much more expensive than you expect.

I'm currently 47 renting a three bed council property. Once the children all move out I am considering seeing if I can swap into a bungalow. I think everything on one floor would be helpful for old age but I'd Still like a garden. I haven't got a partner so I'm haven't to think of keeping things as simple as possible in case my children move area and I do have to manage entirely alone.

Money wise I am not earning enough to save into a good pension so I'll likely just be on state pension which isn't great but there's not much I can do unless I manage to get a well paying job in the next year or so.

Bare minimum is a will and funeral plan. More important is not to be stubborn about downsizing to a 'retirement' home while you are still able. It's no good waiting until you are well into retirement and suddenly develop health issues.

I agree with this sentiment but my father does not feel ready to bow out whatsoever - he keeps asking when he's coming home.

Yes.

Ive seen too many messy end of life family situations to have learned from so many others mistakes.

I also know my mothers plans clearly.

It is completely avoidable and totally necessary to have this planned.

Not yet, because from observing my parents (in their eighties, some health problems but living independently) and other relatives of their generation I've seen that what people think they'll want later in their life when they're 50 is not always what they actually want when old age arrives. They've both adapted remarkably well to physical limitations that they'd have said were unbearable to contemplate when they were my age.

Co Op offer prepaid funeral plans.

Beyond LPAs and wills, the only other thing I can think of would be to maximise your retirement income so you can afford live-in care or a care home without placing a burden on your child to top up the funding.

A couple of friends and I have talked in terms of us buying a ' commune'
maybe a big barn conversion divided up type property where we will live together but separately and get in cleaners / gardeners / caterers / carers etc to do all out ' units '. Support but not on top of each other . In our plans we all pass away in our sleep bypassing dementia etc .

I know you felt you were being a bit glib but…Actually, legislation is being enacted that will limit Exit options to Swiss citizens and permanent residence. PR itself requires 5 years of residency.

in addition, dementia sufferers have Al way been excluded on the grounds of consent.

I have done a "wants and wishes" document to include how I'd like things to be if I can no longer speak for myself, such as food (I'm vegetarian so no meat), not being plonked in front of a television - would prefer music, not wanting a funeral service (my kids know all about this tho) and if I have any cats/pets who I would like to look after them. It's basic stuff but would mean a lot to me. Maybe you can start there.

My Dad has just died 3 weeks after cancer diagnosis. We don't all wither away in care homes.

Wills and POA are important.. Beyond that, I'm not sure you can plan. Dad ate well, never smoked or drank to excess, exercised right up until a few months ago. Life (and death) can't always be planned. You can try if it brings you comfort, as long as you can be adaptable.

Sorry didn't mean to quote @BeachBlondey