Have you planned the end of your life? If you're middle aged.

[VillefrancheSurMere]

I'm 42 and my Dad just moved into a care home with Alzheimer's. Mum still at home but elderly. My family was always very unemotional and I went low contact years ago, but have stepped up contact a bit since my fathers illness. No word was ever spoken about how their lives would end, no contingency plan for what care they might put in place. According to my mother they just thought they'd stay in their home! But have never had a conversation together. All very stiff upper lip.

It's been quite stressful looking for care homes and arranging the finances. My mum is refusing to engage in any conversations about the future in terms of her own care needs. I am assuming they don't have funeral plans and that this will fall in me when the time comes. I recall my mother planning her mothers funeral and finding it a burden.

I have a young DD and am determined that I don't want her to have a burden of arranging our care or end of life decisions where at all possible and within reason. Time to look into things and get some plans locked in (myself and my DH).

I've no idea where to start or how to go about doing this. Care homes are awful and I've seen all my grandparents and now my father simply decline and waste away in them, despite the extortionate eye-watering costs involved. But what other choices are there unless you're Richard Branson?

Have you arranged your end of life care options, funeral etc well in advance of when you assume / hope they'll be needed? Are there any one-stop shops for this kind of thing?

I can't help suspecting that other countries do this stuff better and that the stiff upper lip mentality in my family has been deeply unhelpful. But it's time we started to take responsibility.

Agree re Switzerland etc. Who on here actually knows of anyone who has done this? No one I bet

I've bought a burial plot and pay for my funeral I've organised my music and poems
And what flowers and clothes I would like them to wear
I have a box with all my information in
All my details of life insurance and pension letters
I've also put in my box things I like to take with me when my time comes
My kids call it the dead box
It's nice to know what I I'm gonna have
I bought a plot next to my dad its strange when I visit my dad that there is a empty space which is mine

I do actually know someone who did the fabled trip to Switzerland, but they had a very specific degenerative neural condition, lots of money and a very specific mental attitude. It wasn't easy.

The Netherlands allows euthanasia for dementia sufferers, but not for tourists. Switzerland doesn't allow it, and I can't see the UK

DM has bought a plot next to DSDad's, all the other plots are "occupied" now and I always think how creepy it must be to see your own plot just sat there waiting for you 😬

Aside from that, she's made zero efforts towards her death despite being in her late 70's. There comes a point (surprisingly early on actually) where it seems invasive or rude to keep enquiring what she's got planned. Her rented house is still crammed with "stuff" which will require me to clear it all when the time comes. In her mind I think she sees it as a gift as I will be able to keep the money from the sale of her roughly 2 million books (for example) What seems to evade her is that this will require time off work and away from home, quite apart from the stress and upset that will naturally follow.

I OTOH have my LPOA papers ready to be witnessed and have a notebook with all my account details and passwords etc, and a will. DS is my only child and I have no intention of leaving him to clear up after me.

After a recent back injury I have become a big fan of oramorph, and have a vague plan to stockpile enough to slip peacefully away when the time comes (I'm only mid 40's so plenty of time yet hopefully ) Admittedly this won't be as easy as it sounds written down, but I deal with so many people merely existing through their final years through work that I have zero intention of going the same way.

Sorry, haven't read whole thread but I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately. Dh and I both early 40s. We made a Will about 10 yrs ago , mostly focussing on who we wanted to care For our children if anything happened to us .

I've since learned there is no central registry of wills and unless you tell someone explicitly where it is etc, no one would know it exists.

Anyway, what prompted me to think about this was a colleague's situation. Her mil died unexpectedly and she was main carer for adult child with disability plus the dad. No wills etc. so many decisions needing made by my colleague and her husband. Colleague contested this with her parents who have given her a number and said if anything happens to us, call this number; everything is arranged and will be taken care of.

My parents are in denial and won't speak about end of life things. Makes me want to decide things with dh for us to help my own children when the time comes.

DH and I are in mid to late 40s, we both have wills and have discussed funeral arrangements - ii.e. that we're not bothered what happens to us, would be happy with direct cremation. Have not thought further than that, we have teenage children.

My parents have just arranged POA and downsized their house a few years ago.

I'm 45 & have had a Spotify playlist for my funeral for years. In the last 18 months my previously healthy parents have both died, one from brain cancer where we were able to nurse her at home for months before she died & dad 2 months ago from a massive bleed on the brain.

We really need to talk about end of life before it becomes necessary. It's an easy discussion when we're well, although it might feel uncomfortable to start. If I died, dh would struggle to make any decisions on funeral, music, etc. Taking this out of his hands by having a clear list of what I want is something small that I can do for him, even though I don't really care as I'll be dead.

I'd be keen to end my own life if I knew it was going to become a life not worth living & a burden to my family. Having watched my mum go downhill & endure months of no quality of life was traumatising. I've actually been researching natural ways to die-eating berries & the like as we have no euthanasia option.

Im keen for death & illness to be talked about more in schools. Im in NI & we're better with sickness & death ime than England but could do better.

I do also have all life admin files well organised, but am aware that I have mostly taken responsibility, must make sure that DH and DC know about this stuff too.

What age does the person you name in power of attorney need to be? I'm presuming over 18...I'm middle aged plus some but my children are young still..not sure I'd give them that burden at too young an age?

I have a will. Apart from that I have four kids so hopefully they can all support each other. I live in a small rural village and lots of women here are living alone in their eighties so hopefully that'll be me if dh goes before me. They are all very jolly and still driving themselves about.

https://thelittlebookoflifeadmin.com/

If anyone needs a hand to get started with this stuff, I can recommend this book. It has space to fill in funeral wishes, all your admin stuff like insurance, bank accounts, where your will is held etc etc and is a good prompt for things you might not have thought of. Will be very handy for your next of kin.

(NB it only covers what happens after you've died- nothing about your care before death.)

I have LPOAs in place, a will and an advance directive registered which will mean the withdrawal of life sustaining drugs if I'm diagnosed as having lost capacity to make my own decisions. The LPOAs are aware of this.

I am also a skilled enough herbalist to have a plan B if necessary.

Yep. Watching my mother become nothing more than a body incapable of sight, hearing, speech or movement through Alzheimer's has meant that I have my plan in place.

It will involve a massive party, loads of booze, and me and DH heading off somewhere afterwards. I will take a shit load of drugs and hopefully have a heart attack.

I'm in my 30's mind

I have downsized to a flat with a lift, with shops just a five minute walk away for when I can no longer drive. I also have a financial LPOA set up.

I’m intending to gradually clear out stuff I don’t need anymore. I have less than before, due to downsizing, but still too much as I unfortunately have a “this might come in useful one day” kind of mindset.

When my DM died I was shocked at how many clothes she had, especially as she had always complained that she had nothing to wear - I filled over 30 bags! I want to avoid my DD the hassle, so I will have to cull my wardrobe a bit.

For the posters mentioning taking an overdose in case of a terminal diagnosis, my DM had always said she would take a bottle of pills with a bottle of whisky when she felt the time was right. As things turned out she had a stroke and was unable to, but died a couple of months afterwards. I was (selfishly probably) relieved that she died of natural causes, as I don’t know how I would have coped psychologically if she had taken her own life. This has made me think twice about taking things into my own hands because I have children and don’t want to hurt them. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it.

I laughed out loud at the thought of my lot agonising over every decision. I expect it'd go like this... What did mum want? Didn't care? Ok, let's cremate her and sprinkle the ashes on the beach. And then the ashes will sit on top of a cupboard somewhere forever more.

Like I say, I don't care what happens to my body once I'm dead, and they know that (does that count as planning?!).

We plan to move into an apartment when the dc are gone, (mostltly grown up so not too far in the future) somewhere with a lift and a nice garden to sit in, and very close to shops, bus stop and a pub of course. I don't want to be elderly and too set in my ways to move. If we are well enough we will probably do a bit of travelling. After that not sure, some sort of supported living I suppose. Like a pp if I have dementia or a terminal illness I will end my life on my own terms if at all possible.

In due course I will simplify my finances. I tell everyone I want to be cremated and with the cheapest coffin.

I'm not going to live the next 40 years on the basis I end up in a home.

Yes we're in the process of doing all of that before moving to a smaller home.
I want it all done and out of the way, with everyone clear about our wishes.
It's quite a lot of organising so I'd rather crack on now before it gets too stressful.

I'm also going to refuse the pneumonia vaccine if offered. I read on here about someone else not wanting immunity from pneumonia if they were in a care home with dementia and thought that was a very good idea. Our surgery offers it with the flu jab once you get to a certain age.

I have told my dc what I want for my funeral, cheap coffin eco friendly if possible, private gathering then a cremation, ashes scattered in a nice spot near home. I have even picked a couple of songs.

It might sound weird but I've had a death file ( as I call it) since I was 40.
I've prepaid for my cremation and the details of that, my pensions, policies and anyone that needs informing is in the file.

I've told my dc I'd want direct cremation rather than a funeral and when we buried my dh's ashes I bought space for myself in the same plot with space on the memorial stone for me. I'd try and move to a flat I can manage in future. Not sure about care homes. My family have tended to die in hospital rather than a care home but I guess it'd be funded by my house/future flat if I did need one.

There are some preference statements in my will about disposal of my body & assets. I'm not bothered otherwise. My heirs can decide. I used to say I'd go to care home willingly, early, when required, but Covid lock-ins soured me on that idea. Sod that. I will look for assisted living scheme, maybe.

DH and I are early 50s, have mirror wills in place using an internet will writing company recommended by MSE and checked by a solicitor (£40ish), LPOA in place for health and finance and plan to give most of our money away sooner rather than later. Both parents died in their early 70s meaning I inherited at 50 when my mortgage was paid off. We needed money in our 20s so plan to give ours to DC for houses in their 20s not make them wait til they are 50.

My mum died 16 weeks after a cancer diagnosis, we never talked about a funeral. 6 weeks before her death she decided she wanted to donate her body to science (she was a nurse and learnt so much about anatomy from previous donors). The university footed the bill for her cremation and returned her ashes to us. The £4000 saved on funeral expenses paid for all her family to have a weekend together celebrating her (and dad’s) life in a country hotel. We all made sure we spent time with her in life rather than spending money on her death. She gave each grandchild a card with beautiful words about them and a cheque each for £2500 8 weeks before she died asking them to spend it doing something marvellous in her memory. My children still have the cards displayed in their rooms 3 years later.

Just to add, my mum and dad’s estates were so easy to sort as everything was in place. I did probate myself in under 12 weeks. (My grandparents died a week apart and neither had wills. My disabled, only child, dad had lots to sort and large solicitors bills).

I also have a "death file" being a box file that the kids know about. It has all the passwords and information they need.

I have no fear of death and have always said it's a part of living - like birth - so nothing to be afraid of. Have been very blasé about it with the kids, which has led to a lot of laughter about it.

Some previous posters have given me some extra tips so I am grateful for that and have made notes of other things I should do.

Being well-prepared actually helps me to live a carefree and happier existence as I move into the "third life" phase. So if I go out for a sherry-fuelled lunch with friends and get run down by a bus on my way home I won't be thinking "oh shit I've left such a mess" as the lights go out.