Have you planned the end of your life? If you're middle aged.

[VillefrancheSurMere]

I'm 42 and my Dad just moved into a care home with Alzheimer's. Mum still at home but elderly. My family was always very unemotional and I went low contact years ago, but have stepped up contact a bit since my fathers illness. No word was ever spoken about how their lives would end, no contingency plan for what care they might put in place. According to my mother they just thought they'd stay in their home! But have never had a conversation together. All very stiff upper lip.

It's been quite stressful looking for care homes and arranging the finances. My mum is refusing to engage in any conversations about the future in terms of her own care needs. I am assuming they don't have funeral plans and that this will fall in me when the time comes. I recall my mother planning her mothers funeral and finding it a burden.

I have a young DD and am determined that I don't want her to have a burden of arranging our care or end of life decisions where at all possible and within reason. Time to look into things and get some plans locked in (myself and my DH).

I've no idea where to start or how to go about doing this. Care homes are awful and I've seen all my grandparents and now my father simply decline and waste away in them, despite the extortionate eye-watering costs involved. But what other choices are there unless you're Richard Branson?

Have you arranged your end of life care options, funeral etc well in advance of when you assume / hope they'll be needed? Are there any one-stop shops for this kind of thing?

I can't help suspecting that other countries do this stuff better and that the stiff upper lip mentality in my family has been deeply unhelpful. But it's time we started to take responsibility.

Excuse me? Daft? My dh found his father's direct cremation upsetting as he left no wish to have a memorial service so my MIL doesn't want to organise one. Not being able to say goodbye to his dad in a formal setting or otherwise with his friends and family has been really hard for dh.

My point was if you are going to specify direct cremation then please also request a memorial!

Yes daft, you should have said 'can be miserable in my experience' but instead you stated it like they're always miserable for everyone. It's not fair to put people off a direct cremation which can be a convenient, cost effective, respectful and simple alternative to lining the pockets of funeral directors with thousands of pounds.

I don't get why you think a memorial service needs to be requested by the deceased? Funerals and memorials are for the living. If your dh wants a memorial for his father surely he could organise one and invite all the family and friends he wants? Do you mean there was no money set aside for it?

OK, well we are going to have to agree to disagree. I think direct cremations are fine and obviously very cost effective and growing in popularity, but some people prefer something more formal. I know I would. My FIL was very definite that that was what he wanted but gave no thought to afterwards. My MIL is too anxious to arrange anything and doesn't want DH to do anything either, so anything we decide to do will literally have to be between DH and I. FIL had loads of friends so it was also very difficult having to explain to them that there was no funeral, but they are older and I expect as direct crem becomes more popular people will move on.

I also don't think anyones opinions about death and bereavement should be dismissed as daft.

Totally agree. In this situation at the moment and likely to go for direct cremation.

No fuss was the way they lived their life. They wanted a simple cremation and a ruddy good party instead. Then for their ashes t be scattered in a special place.

The weeping and wailing funerals of other relatives have been fine but they're definitely for the living. Far prefer to simple send off and a party in celebration of the deceased, and that's what I'll be asking for too. I don't want my relatives agonising over flowers, caskets and hymns.

I think it’s good to remember than funeral arrangements should be for the living, not for the dead.

Most people do want some sort of way of celebrating someone’s life and saying goodbye - whether that’s a formal funeral with a memorial service, or a direct cremation, and a wake or party later. It helps with the grieving process, I think. That will be different for each family.

I was a bit sceptical about having a formal funeral service, but actually at my DFs funeral I realised this was an important stage - his grandchildren got to hear about his life, and at the wake we had tea and cake and talked to relatives and his friends we haven’t seen for a long time.
I wasn’t sure about taking my children at first, but glad I did as I think it’s important for death not to be taboo.
(Also I think for older people going to funerals becomes a social activity!)

However this will depend on what works for your family, I know my family is reserved and isn’t the sort to have a big party so a small wake worked well for us, but for others that might feel too formal.

My mum keeps saying she wants a direct cremation and ‘no fuss’ but my sister I know will want a proper funeral. Mum thinks it will just be easier for everyone but I said to her that we would want an opportunity to say goodbye and celebrate her life.

So I’ve realised that maybe it’s best not to be too restrictive in your funeral wishes if this is going to be difficult for those left behind.

I was a bit sceptical about having a formal funeral service, but actually at my DFs funeral I realised this was an important stage - his grandchildren got to hear about his life, and at the wake we had tea and cake and talked to relatives and his friends we haven’t seen for a long time.
I wasn’t sure about taking my children at first, but glad I did as I think it’s important for death not to be taboo.
(Also I think for older people going to funerals becomes a social activity!)

This. Dh would have loved to have had this for his df.

I don't want my relatives agonising over flowers, caskets and hymns.

But what if that’s important to them? I know for my sister choosing the hymns was important to her, and we chose flowers in colours we knew he would have liked. The music was something he would have listened to, and a relative commented ‘oh yes he would have liked this’. So it feels like you are remembering that person’s life.
I personally wouldn’t want something so formal, but really it’s up to my children how they want to remember me.

Was going to say exactly this.

We could choose the casket for direct cremation anyway and personally I'd have loved to choose flowers and hymns!

I think about this issue a lot because my DH and I are both only children and our children have special needs. I worry a lot about what will happen to them once we're gone. We've done our wills and I have an ongoing folder of wishes/documents/passwords, etc. I've recently discovered that you can put money in trust for your children if they have disabilities, so that's my next step. This means their benefits won't be cut if they inherit money from you. Really important to know.

@Changeau That’s a shame - I was going to say could you arrange some sort of memorial ‘celebration of his life’ gathering anyway, or would your DH’s mum just not agree?

For example at DF’s wake we had a photo album with pictures of him through his life, the older relatives enjoyed looking through it with us.

There are so many variables it’s hard to make any sort of plan.

As it happens, most people do not go into care homes at the end of their life

From having watched my parents grow old, then develop disabling conditions the preparation I will make is to move to sensible accommodation while I am still fit enough and well, e.g sensible straightforward layout, no poky steep winding staircases, no high maintenance low insulated old houses, provision for a downstairs bathroom toilet (as well as upstairs) , spare room, and reasonably close to a good hospital. Close to a GP surgery, shop within walking distance.

Plan my pension spending sensibly (not withdraw 25% and go on a spending spree), ensure I can live comfortably ‘enough’, albeit thriftily.

That’s really useful thank you.

Thank you @Allthegoodnamesarechosen
That’s really reassuring re accounts, but didn’t you have to get it all together for probate?