Have you planned the end of your life? If you're middle aged.

[VillefrancheSurMere]

I'm 42 and my Dad just moved into a care home with Alzheimer's. Mum still at home but elderly. My family was always very unemotional and I went low contact years ago, but have stepped up contact a bit since my fathers illness. No word was ever spoken about how their lives would end, no contingency plan for what care they might put in place. According to my mother they just thought they'd stay in their home! But have never had a conversation together. All very stiff upper lip.

It's been quite stressful looking for care homes and arranging the finances. My mum is refusing to engage in any conversations about the future in terms of her own care needs. I am assuming they don't have funeral plans and that this will fall in me when the time comes. I recall my mother planning her mothers funeral and finding it a burden.

I have a young DD and am determined that I don't want her to have a burden of arranging our care or end of life decisions where at all possible and within reason. Time to look into things and get some plans locked in (myself and my DH).

I've no idea where to start or how to go about doing this. Care homes are awful and I've seen all my grandparents and now my father simply decline and waste away in them, despite the extortionate eye-watering costs involved. But what other choices are there unless you're Richard Branson?

Have you arranged your end of life care options, funeral etc well in advance of when you assume / hope they'll be needed? Are there any one-stop shops for this kind of thing?

I can't help suspecting that other countries do this stuff better and that the stiff upper lip mentality in my family has been deeply unhelpful. But it's time we started to take responsibility.

We are 75 and 85, still living in a small house with stairs. We garden, have a full allotment, go to classes and live a full life. We had to do wills as soon as we got married as we have both been married before and have five children between us. We've done our wills and POAs. As far as funerals go we have both decided that we would prefer direct cremations, as the price of funerals is outrageous, haven't told our children yet!

I totally agree!

I hope those who have arranged cremation with no funeral have told their children.
The service itself brings a family together & I feel is quite healing.

Yes it's kinda strange seeing the empty space
I tell everyone I own a bit a land in Cardiff 😂😂
My mum's house is full of junk loads of books and ornaments and the usual rubbish
I try too to tell her to have a sort out
She's not very well no idea how many years left we tried to get her to have a bungalow instead of a 4 bed house
Won't have any of it
House is falling apart cos she can't afford the up keep

@mamabear715 the children will be all together when they scatter my ashes.
They know what's happening and are a happy knowing it's sorted

That's great @grayhairdontcare , my post wasn't aimed at you or anyone in particular, I just sometimes think it's good if mourners have 'stuff' to do to keep them going.

Yes direct cremations are miserable for those left behind. At least insist they have some sort of memorial for you! They will want one.

People hold a get together at a house or something. A lot of people find this more comfortable than attending a crematorium

Yes - just make it clear that you want something otherwise they might be paralysed with indecision

I hadn’t heard the phrase “direct cremation” until quite recently but the practice seems to be growing in popularity.

@LunaNorth

Interesting have you legally got that down some where with locked in funds?

I'm 50 and have just been through a similar experience to you with my parents.

My reaction is to get my health and lifestyle in better shape! My mums cognition has declined much more than her friends so I want to start there with my long term planning.

I haven't got a will - I should really sort that out and power of attorney for finances at the very least

@TennisWithDeborah

David Bowie and body shop lady apparently both had this.

Direct cremated is very cheap.
However the family can do whatever they want!

It just saves the heart ache of the coffin etc

Yes. But it's fucking miserable to not have any kind of memorial service. I have a relation whose ashes are still in the cupboard as noone can agree what to do with them. Would gave been helpful if they'd given some idea of what they'd like to happen.

I've done as much as I can for the moment. Not thought too much about dementia as we haven't had to deal with it in my family.

Yes of course I mean if money is tight save the money for a memorial it could be anywhere.

No, I did ask the solicitor when I made my will, but because it’s not legal in the UK there’s no provision in law for me to be able to do that.

Best I can do is make my decision known to my husband and family, which I have, and get on with it when the time comes.

Oh, and I have funds put aside. It costs about 10k currently.

No, not really. I can't afford, financially, to make any real plans. I have a plan that involves a lot of medication and my family know I'm keen on direct cremation.

I'm closer to 70 that 60 and so is my DW. We have made no plans. The experience with our parents has shown us that you need to be flexible as these things seldom work out as planned.

I’d definitely have a direct cremation. Maybe leave a generous kitty for relatives to go and have a nice meal/ get sloshed. I’d like my ashes to be scattered over water.

Like previous posters I hope euthanasia is legal by the time I become elderly. Quality of life rather than quantity. Dementia runs in my family and to be honest I’d rather kill myself than have that slow decline into awfulness. It’s sad because you’d have to do it early whilst you still had your faculties. Whereas in a Dutch system you could specify a that when your care needs became x for example having to go into a care home that you’d like to be euthanised.

Coincidently was talking to my mum about this tonight as a relative has died and the immediate family are having a direct cremation then a wake at some point later on. Mum said that is what she would want and I feel the same for myself . The parent of a friend died unexpectedly and they did this- a big life celebration party a few months afterwards they had privately scattered ashes, when they had rallied enough to be in a place to have a joyful reflection of her life. It was an amazing evening and I think ticked the box of healing and closure for the wider family and friends.

My parents have a death box with everything in it too. Mum tells me where it is about every 6 months. My grandfather had even typed the letters to all the banks etc for my gran just leaving a blank for the date of death.

I intend to have DNR tattooed on my chest at some suitable point. Possibly with ‘we apologise for the inconvenience ‘ underneath for Douglas Adam’s fans.

I would like my ashes to be scattered sneakily in the garden of Buckingham Palace. It's totally doable if you hide string-operated bags in your trousers like in The Great Escape.

Direct cremations are not always miserable for those left behind, what a daft thing to say. We've had two direct cremations of close family in the last couple of years and it's been easier and more comfortable for us than the expensive crematorium service we had for my DF where a celebrant who had never met him did the eulogy. The money saved ran into many thousands which we were able to use to have a celebration of their life/put to good use in their memory, and to go to places they loved where we scattered their ashes.