Do you wish you had stuck with one child?

[toastandtea42]

Just that really.

Always wanted two and still do but as the time draws closer to TTC all I can think about are the negatives. My toddler is hard work, I love my job but have had to scale back, there are moments of utter joy with him but a lot of is just sheer flipping hard work.

Two would mean more of an impact on work, more of an impact on resources and relationship. So I want to know, all things considered, do you wish you'd stuck with one instead of having two?

Would really appreciate some honest responses, there's so much that's covered up about motherhood and I don't want to walk into another child totally blind.

For the record, I adore my son who is almost 2 and being a mum. I'm so glad I did it. But it's not without significant downsides.

I haven’t really thought about it until now. Both my DC’s have ASD but DD2 much much more severe, she’s unlikely to ever live independently, her sister is now at uni and pretty independent. Life would be totally different if I had only had dd1….it would be so much easier and I would now be free instead of trapped (sounds awful but true). So yes, life would have been much easier if I had stopped at one.

We have 3. There's only 15 months between the 1st two. They're now 14,13 and 9. The 1st year was hard. But they're the best of friends and always were. We wouldn't change it for anything.

When I think of an only child, I think of my friends boy who is 15. I think of times like Christmas Eve and morning when the excitement was out the window with our kids, talking about Santa coming etc and waking in the morning. The excitement before holidays. And my friends son had no sibling to share that excitement with. My friend often said how she felt sorry for him with regards to stuff like that. Obviously he had his parents but I do think that's different. Also my friend was constantly having to organise playdates when he was younger as he had no one to play with.

Another thing (and I know this isn't a reason to have more kids!) but when my last parent died, having my siblings there to help with decisions, care rotas etc made the awful time easier to bare.

This. Ours are 2 and 3 and their bond is so lovely

I did for a long time. I think you forget how hard the baby stage is then you have another and then it's a million times harder than the first time, as there's 2!

My youngest DD turns 3 in a month though and my eldest is 5 and they seem to be finding the right balance of playing together and not being total pains in the butt.

I really struggled to bond with my second DD but I couldn't imagine life without her now.

Definitely wouldn't have another though!

No, it’s been hard work (4 and nearly 2) but seeing them laugh together and start to play (hiding together, running around the park) just brings me so much joy.

No. And I say that as an only child myself - very glad to have two kids. Watching the bond between them is one of the very best parts of being a mother. It’s harder for a while when they’re small, but then becomes easier as they amuse each other!

I wanted four originally, my ex husband wanted one, we compromised on two although I know he would have agreed to three if I’d pushed it. So glad I had a second. He’s completely different to my first, and I love them both madly. So glad I didn’t have a third with my useless ex husband. Two is enough work for me by myself.

Have absolutely never regretted it. Our DS brings us huge joy and the bond between him and his sister is a truly beautiful thing. However you're right about all this: "more of an impact on work, more of an impact on resources and relationship."

I underestimated quite how much childcare and that whole sphere would come to dominate my life in a way I didn't feel it did, quite, with just the one. (However I wonder if that was simply the stage our daughter was at when we were TTC. Once they're at school there's a whole load of more stuff to deal with) My work has undoubtedly taken a back-seat and I don't think that would have been the case if we'd stopped at one.

It has also had an impact on our relationship, of course it has, the extra years of sleeplessness, no time for each other etc, it all puts a strain on you. But when all's said and done it's probably brought us closer- at least it will do when we get any bloody time to ourselves!!

No, never.
I have three, with a four year gap between each. So didn’t have two toddlers/ babies at the same time which probably helped.

like pp’s I found two much easier than one , and my third was very laid back and there was always an older sibling to entertain him.

No, i ended up falling pregnant when my first was 2 months old so have an 11 month age gap and i was petrified! But i found it a lot easier going from 1-2 than i did from 0-1, they're only 1 and 2 now but i really don't think it's affected much for us. I enjoyed maternity the second time round as i took a year and got spend more time with my first as i went back after 6 months with him. I guess i still have the hard years to come potentially but i wouldn't change it and it even makes me consider no3 although i'd wait a few years for that 😂.

Eldest is a joy.
Middle child is a never ending nightmare, youngest child is a joy.

There's 21 months between my 2 (they're 1 & 2) and it's HARD, EVERY DAY!! However, I genuinely have no regrets. I wouldn't be without them.

Not at all, not even for a second.
I didn't feel our family was complete until I had our third.
My DH is very hands on so that helps.

I always wanted 2, but had a stillbirth and a number of losses & by the time I had DS I was 40 and knew he’d be an only.

So I never had to make a decision about whether or not to try for another. It must be such a hard call, when that option is still open.

I’ll always remember my good friend - whose second pregnancy resulted in twins - saying, ‘you can’t un-want your children, but if I had my time again I’d have stuck with one.’ I appreciated her honesty. I think I’d have found life with 2 pretty hard.

I do know some families with 2 or 3 kids who make it look like a walk in the park, but I can see how a lot has had to fall into place to make things go so smoothly: financial security, robust physical and mental health all round, no hardcore introverts in the family who need regular time alone, kids all neurotypical, extended family help and/or one SAH parent and/or shitloads of money for nannies who can do a lot of the ferrying around, etc.

I think it is really wise to consider this decision in light of the amount of time and peace and financial wiggle room you want to have, how important your career is to you, and your mental and emotional bandwidth.

We had DD1 planned as an only, and I remember feeling that a second was unthinkable for a couple of years. Really loved the baby and toddler years completely focused on DD, showering her with attention from both me and DH and taking her on trips based entirely on her needs.

We decided to have a second though as I'd see other families at the park and on day trips and seeing the bond between their siblings, and wishing DD could experience it. And wanting that model of a nuclear family that having just one child didn't quite fulfil (for me). What cinched it was a financial windfall which made it feel odd to stuck with one - we had enough to cover any costs needed for 2 DDs and it felt weird to imagine being in a larger house with just one child.

We bow have 2 DDs and it's definitely harder, though I'm enjoying lots of one on one time with the youngest as DD1 is at school now. Wouldn't have wanted a small gap with 2 preschoolers. I do miss the days of indulging DD1 - I dislike splitting the family up on day trips (DH and I take turns taking one child each even if we go out as a family of 4, because so many activities aren't age appropriate). I miss the one on one time with DD, and uninterrupted time without DD2 demanding attention. I've never really understood those with several DD saying it was easier "because you don't have to entertain them, they play with each other". We've always played with DD1 because it was fun and we liked that interaction with her, and she thrived from that adult attention. DD2 is too young to play with her yet, but I expect we'll still be playing games as a family when they're older and not just sitting on bench chatting amongst the adults leaving the kids to get on with it.

I have a sibling but don't really have many childhood memories for some reason. Oh is an only child and has had a great life

I have two boys who couldn't be more different. They're 16 & 18 now and have probably said 10 words to each other since January! They don't not get on, they just don't spend any time together (ever!) but I love having two and never wanted an only child or to have more than two 😯

I did have a second and didn't think I would as I found the baby stage hard.
But I did and it was the 4.5 year gap that made it work.
(You don't want 2 in nappies)
And you got one off to school so it was lovely having that one to one time.

Yes

Following with interest

Absolutely not. I have three and am contemplating a 4th. My eldest is nearly 7 and I can already feel the gradual pull away from me. He is growing up, as he should, and I would be so sad if he was my only. I love the small children years so much and I love watching the bond they have. Dc1 and 2 play together so much, but dc1 and dc3 have such a lovely bond, my eldest really babies him and takes care of him.
They both get excited to come and see him every morning when be wakes up. It's magical.

@pinguins Yes,Yes,Yes. The hormones with breastfeeding made me an absolute mess. Would go shopping but leave my shopping with the cashier. Constantly go out but forget baby bag, wallet etc my executive functioning was absolutely shot ( my executive functioning is never great but with breastfeeding it was horrendous)

So true! I have 4 too and 2 was definitely easier than 1 once the younger was old enough to play. Life with 4 is hectic but priorities change (my house is a permanent pigsty) and it’s not constantly hectic, just when they’re all here!