Do you wish you had stuck with one child?

[toastandtea42]

Just that really.

Always wanted two and still do but as the time draws closer to TTC all I can think about are the negatives. My toddler is hard work, I love my job but have had to scale back, there are moments of utter joy with him but a lot of is just sheer flipping hard work.

Two would mean more of an impact on work, more of an impact on resources and relationship. So I want to know, all things considered, do you wish you'd stuck with one instead of having two?

Would really appreciate some honest responses, there's so much that's covered up about motherhood and I don't want to walk into another child totally blind.

For the record, I adore my son who is almost 2 and being a mum. I'm so glad I did it. But it's not without significant downsides.

I don’t regret having my children & both pregnancies were planned BUT had i know that number 2 would have meant number 3 at the same time i genuinely might have stuck with one. I never wanted 3 children & our daughter was a really easy, chilled child and we did think of only having one for a few years but as we’ve no family around i worried she’d be lonely. Both babies were difficult & had reflux so lots of sickness and lots of tears in the early days. No idea how we survived the 1st year as i’ve blanked it out but i do remember having some “what the fuck have we done” moments & worrying i’d ruined all our lives, including the babies as how could / would i cope. My husband works long hours so it was just me dealing with it all alone 95% of the time (he helped when he was here even overnight) but somehow we managed it. Now they’re all older the 3 of them are completely different & i love seeing who they are growing up to become and i do feel quite proud of myself! They’re sociable & smart & no negative impact so far on my oldest & although at one point our marriage nearly broke down we’ve come through that. I’m still a sahm & my husband still works a lot but my little unit is all i need. I’d love for them to have family around as i worry they’re missing out but i can’t change that & i’m glad they have each other, particularly my eldest as she won’t be on her own if anything happened to us. So no i don’t regret it although life would be a lot easier & less stressful if i’d stuck at one but then i imagine it would also also have been easier and less stressful without twins & just 2 kids but i wouldn’t change anything now.

My only negative is that with just one she’d have gone to private school & with 2 like we’d planned we could probably have managed it using savings & cutting back if need be but 3 is a no go. We do ok money wise, activities & holidays etc but thats way out of reach now but i think thats the case for most families (or at least the ones i know anyway)

I was also on the fence with a 4th years ago so it didn’t put me off completely. We decided not to and although i know that was the best decision for us i do have moments of “what if” no regrets as it was the right decision but i think if i had stopped at one i may have regretted not doing it more than trying

Absolutely not. I had two under two, with a three year gap in between.
It has been expensive, noisy, chaotic and downright messy at times, but I am sat here now, surrounded by two teenagers and two younger, watching a film. One makes popcorn, one gets drinks and two others agree on drinks. They are all very close and really nice, kind people. I was very thankful during lockdown when they all helped each other along.

The exhaustion of those early years (whilst it feels like it will never end) is a short period of your life.

I'm very glad I stuck with one child. I hope to give her the kind of open, trusting relationship I never had with my own mum (one of 4).

Not for one second. For me 2 is perfect. I sometimes look at my girls playing and think 1 would be so much harder- having eachother takes so much pressure off me.

I love having only one. If I'd had a second, of course I would have loved him/her, but it would have totally derailed the life I envisaged and not in a good way. I have never got on with my sibling since we were very little and I am very relieved not to make DD suffer a sibling like I did.

Yea but only because DS1 has additional needs and we didn't find out until DD was born.

I have two daughters and it's fantastic. Three year age gap which worked for us. They're teenagers now and get on very well together. DD 2 spent a lot of time in a sling as a baby so my hands were free to play with DD1, doesn't seem to have done her any harm! She was an easy baby and a happy, busy and interested child which helped. 😚😀

No regrets at all with our two, we have a nice age gap, just over 6 years, it means one baby stage at a time, it also meant during our daughters adoption leave our son was at school, so we could have a genuinely lazy day when we were knackered. It also meant if I needed a wee etc I could get my son to give a running commentary so I could leave the baby for a minute or two if she was in a cot etc. It also means with things like driving lessons, GCSEs, if any go to uni etc they will be at seperate times, rather than paying for two in one go. It also means childcare is easier as we only have one in nursery at a time.

However, I was also very happy with one, if we weren’t given the opportunity to have our daughter I would have been very happy and fulfilled with one child.

No, as much as practically life would be easier, I don't regret having more. I love seeing them together now and that they entertain each other a little. But also I find it comforting thinking that they will hopefully have each other as adults. I am very fortunate to be close with my siblings which I know isn't how it is for everyone, but I wanted to try to give them the chance of that.

No way.

They are both so different. I wouldn't be without one of them

Would ideally have had a third.

Getting 2 out of the door was a massive challenge for me when they were preschoolers. Now they're both at school and slightly more independent things run much more smoothly. I wanted 4 but we stopped at 2 after DS was diagnosed ASD. Pretty sure DD is on the spectrum too but is very different to DS. There's 3 years between them.

Having said all that seeing the love they have for each other is simply wonderful.

ive had 2 both now adults and got there own lifes thank god i love them dearly but it was hard work then the teen years 😫tantrums to teens id never want to do it again. i should have stopped at 1 meh i was young at the time which worked out in the end coz im still young (37) i`ve got my life back .

No but then again I have four, the minute DD1 was born I knew I wanted another, I just loved motherhood I went from never wanting a child at age 25 to it being all I could think about at age 28, having one at 29 and 4 by 35 😀

We sort of thought well why not? When DD1 was 9 months all we stopped using contraception and thought it’ll take a while again ….. there’s 18 months between DD1 and 2. For me if I was only having 2 I would have them close together get the baby stage out the way l, that way growing up they have the same interests etc rather than having a large gap (if nursery fees not an option of course) I had 4 in under 6 years and have never regretted any of my DC of course life would have been easier (and cheaper) I would have returned to work earlier but where’s the fun in easy? I feel very lucky to have four very close children.

Easier said than done! It’s head vs heart isn’t it. I’ve gone through similar to you op. Honestly ds is so challenging but I’ve always wanted more and although my head wishes I was happy with one, my heart isn’t. Started trying when he turned 2 even though we felt similar to you. 18 months later we are still trying and about to start ivf. So in my case I’m glad we didn’t wait around and who knows maybe I will regret it! But I had to try. I always knew I would have to try for two. Just like I did for one! And I don’t regret that.

We have one and she is about to turn 18 soon. Happy with one child, I wouldn't have survived more primary school garden, birthday parties, swimming lessons, sleepovers and all that with my peri menopausal state! One is perfect for us. She had a great childhood, teen years and still enjoying it. Three of us are very close

No. Seeing them interact is the most wonderful thing. We have a large age gap, but they still play together. Going back over the milestones is a real joy, too.

Felt exactly the same. Felt so much guilt while pregnant (will I love baby 2 the same) now have 3 and wouldn’t change it for the world. The way my eldest came into his own being an older brother has been so joyful to watch and now my middle (and only girl) is a big sister too and they are both such wonderful big siblings. They were all worth the very difficult pregnancies 🤣

I have 2 close in age and a 3rd on the way! It does get easier as they get a bit older and also they are great at entertaining one another. I used to have to entertain my DD 24/7 whereas now she'd rather play with her baby brother. I'd argue it's harder going from zero to one as your life really does turn upside down. Going from one to two you kind of know what you're in for and you wouldn't have had a lot of time to yourself anyway so it's not that much of a change. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do, there is no right or wrong, just whatever works best for you and your family!

It's kind of a 'how long is a piece of string' question, but bear in mind the very small children bit is not very long in the scheme of things. As soon as your oldest can make a sandwich and pour some juice, life does get very much easier.

I never regretted second at all, but then in lucked out and both kids were pretty easy. They were 3 years apart; much longer than that and it would have felt a bit like plunging back into babyhood again but having them closeish together gets it over with

Pleased i stayed with one. If i had been younger I may have been tempted but within 18 months of having my child, I realised my husband was and is still sometimes a selfish prick who would happily leave all parenting to me and thinks he is helping me out if he steps in for an hour and acts like he deserves a medal. He doesn't get away with it and he is still learning.
There is no way on this earth I'd have another baby with him because any life I have would be over.

Thank you so much for all these responses. Really interesting to hear everyone's perspectives and thanks for taking the time to write.

To the posters asking why the rush to TTC soon it's because I feel that if I leave it too long I'll be chancing my luck and might not be able to get pregnant (which in some ways, answers my own question of do i want another one or not!) I guess I wouldn't be anxious about it if I truly didn't want one. I'm 33 btw so obviously have a bit of time but then I am an anxious sort.

I think my situation is complicated by the fact I have a career which is hard to do with kids so I'd be looking at potentially changing it completely with a second and it sort of feels like with the addition of a new child, I may have to wave off an important part of myself as part of the bargain.

I expected my passion for my job to wane after having my son but it hasn't, annoyingly. I love them both. I wish we had more support in the UK to be working mums.

I know deep down I really do want another child and i always have, but perhaps my issue is one of timing and resisting the social pressure to have a small age gap. It's hard all this isn't it.

Thanks again, off to re-read the whole thread again. xx

My sister and I were inseparable growing up. In our early 20s she left to go travelling for 6 months and has never lived in the UK since. Our parents are aging and the burden is falling to me. There are no guarantees in life.

I was thinking about this earlier. DS is 6 and DD is 3. When DS and I are alone, he is the sweetest boy and we have such a lovely time. When DD is there, he is crazy and they egg each other on. I hate to admit it but sometimes I think it would be easier if it was just DS.

But they love each other so much that I am so glad we could give DS a sibling.

When DH lost his mum he leaned heavily on his brothers. Childhood is a shared experience for siblings and that is something really precious.

I wasn't sure about a 2nd but we did and have a 4yr gap. Two girls. I am so glad we did. They love each other and enjoy each other's company. Dd2 is a much easier child than dd1 which helps. She is a joy. In a way it is easier as they can entertain each other. I get the whole career balance and its hard. My eldest is nearly 10 and just getting my career back on track.

Yes I wish I'd stuck with one. Working full time with two kids is knackering. Childcare for 2 is extortionate, twice as many illnesses to cope with (keeping them out of nursery) and the toddler's behaviour went downhill when the baby came along so everything is ten times harder to deal with.