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Original poster

Do you wish you had stuck with one child?

123 replies

toastandtea42 · 07/04/2023 19:18

Just that really.

Always wanted two and still do but as the time draws closer to TTC all I can think about are the negatives. My toddler is hard work, I love my job but have had to scale back, there are moments of utter joy with him but a lot of is just sheer flipping hard work.

Two would mean more of an impact on work, more of an impact on resources and relationship. So I want to know, all things considered, do you wish you'd stuck with one instead of having two?

Would really appreciate some honest responses, there's so much that's covered up about motherhood and I don't want to walk into another child totally blind.

For the record, I adore my son who is almost 2 and being a mum. I'm so glad I did it. But it's not without significant downsides.

OP posts:
googlejourney · 07/04/2023 20:11

My DS22 & DD19 are the very best of friends. It reassures me to know that one day when we aren't around anymore they will always have each other.

Percypiglover · 07/04/2023 20:14

No love having two, it can be hard but watching the two together is worth it.

Whitewolf2 · 07/04/2023 20:15

Yes life with one is easier, taking one child out alone is always a bit of a treat! But I was an only child and would have loved a sibling, husband is one of 2 and is close to his sister; so we went for it.
And we’re happy we did, our first hates playing/being alone and it is great that they have each other to play with, go to clubs with etc. But you can’t guarantee them getting on, if you’re not sure you want it maybe you shouldn’t do it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MsChatterbox · 07/04/2023 20:15

Mine are only 5 and 2 but no regrets here. I love seeing them together.

RosesofAmsterdam · 07/04/2023 20:16

I was of the same mind as you, for the same reasons. We've stuck with one, she's now six and it was a brilliant decision for us. Life seems so much easier for us than it does for our friends with two. I can't imagine wanting to wrangle two constantly. With one, I still get enough personal rest time which is important for me to feel good, and be a brilliant mother. With two, I just know I'd morph into shouty stressed mum!

Dinkied · 07/04/2023 20:18

You make the best of what you have in life, is my philosophy. Nothing is guaranteed, that said.

It’s a good thing to stick with one, for so many reasons. There is a whole literature on the positive psychological well being of only kids, compared to those in bigger families (not always what one expects, since, of course loving sibling relationships can be… lovely! But siblings can also be utter bullying shits, stressful.)

Also: Don’t have two for “when you are dead”. That is a terrible reason! My friend is coping with the death of her dad, and her BROTHER is being an absolute arsehole. Her life would be so much better without him in it. Otoh, I’m grateful I have my brother to help with my elderly parents. Again, no guarantees.

ultimately, if you are leaning towards sticking with one, there are many advantages. Then again, there are lots of advantages to not having kids. Or having several…. So, do what works for you OP.

btw I often find drawing out lists of advantages and disadvantages helps. Which column has more votes? This method is never unbiased, but it reveals your inner workings! And if the pros and cons lists are completely equal in length then score each of your points out of ten!

CoodleMoodle · 07/04/2023 20:20

Mine are just 9 turned 9 and nearly 5. When DS was born I regretted having a second, but it didn't last long. I loved the bones of him but the guilt RE DD (4 at the time) was immense. Then we sort of settled down and it was fine for a year or so.

When DS was 18mo and DD was 6, I struggled massively again because he wanted everything of hers and she couldn't handle it at all. It was lockdown, which didn't help! It was pure hell, and I regretted having children at all some days! We would've had a much "nicer" lockdown had DS not been a nightmare toddler.

Now DS has calmed down quite a bit and DD understands how to deal with him a bit better, it's mostly great. They're the best of friends 99% of the time and I love watching the two of them play and giggle together. They can be very very sweet.

Definitely not having another one, though!

PonkyPonky · 07/04/2023 20:21

On the flip side, I have an only child as that’s all we could afford to have. And I’m sad every day that he has no one to play with. I obviously make a lot of effort to ensure regular play dates etc and I play with him but it’s not the same. I remember always having someone to play with as a child (my brother) and I definitely have a lot of regret that I can’t give that to my son.

Roundaboutabee · 07/04/2023 20:22

I have three. My eldest is nearly 11 and for quite a long time it looked like she was going to be an only. I was devastated at the time.

I adore my children, they mostly adore each other, and life is a lot of fun. But I’m very aware that had we only had my eldest, life would have been calmer all round (my middle child is… energetic!) and she’d have had an “easier” ride in many ways. Of course she’d have missed out other things but, several years on from secondary fertility ceasing to be an issue for us, I can reflect on the what might have beens and known that it probably would have been ok. I think I’d have been a nicer person too - I’m frazzled from 10 years in the hard bits of parenting and that’s now crashing into perimenopause and I feel a long way from being able to get a break.

which is a way of saying: families of all sizes have pluses and minuses, but if you’re ambivalent about having another, I wouldn’t.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 07/04/2023 20:22

Absolutely

blueshoes · 07/04/2023 20:23

No regrets. Two was and is the minimum and maximum. It was what dh and I were aiming for.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 07/04/2023 20:23

Schmutter · 07/04/2023 19:50

I’m don’t think anyone that’s had more than one is going to say they regret it.

Anyone I know that’s an only (one colleague, one friend) wishes they’d grown up with a sibling.

I’m an only and have never wanted or felt the lack of a sibling, either as a child or now.

Goldbar · 07/04/2023 20:25

I love having two but we have a bigger age gap than many (almost 5 years). It's working great for us at the moment (5yo plus baby) though may of course bring challenges as they both get older.

2bowlio · 07/04/2023 20:27

I have two and do not regret it one iota

I found it really hard though - 18 months between my two. Eldest was very jealous for attention in the early days

Dh is an only child. He has a far too doting DM and she doesn't seem to have any life except for him. He spends his life feeling guilty that he has 'left' her.

He also had a miserable childhood hanging out with adults all the time and holidays were boring as no one to play with.

Do your first a favour and do it for them

Allmyghosts · 07/04/2023 20:28

Well yes, my life would be very different, I love my sons so much. I would have had zero children though if I knew how life would be.

OhMyCherriePie · 07/04/2023 20:28

yes 100%

MeowMeowheshallhavenopie · 07/04/2023 20:28

Definitely Not and number 2 was conceived when number 1 was 5mths old. Oops.

Sundaefraise · 07/04/2023 20:28

But why is the time drawing near? Unless there is a drip feed and you're 45 and don't want to leave it much longer, what makes you think you need to ttc now? Your son isn't even two. I have a five year gap and its awesome. The older one was in school when the little one was born. They get on great, there's been no competitiveness and he really looks after her.

BluetheBear · 07/04/2023 20:33

OP I also have an almost 2 year old, thought I'd want another, but I still don't think I will

cornflakegeneration · 07/04/2023 20:33

Never. I've got two and wish I had more.

Allmyghosts · 07/04/2023 20:34

I can't imagine what it's like to have kids now, the whole malthusian shit. Feeling guilty for existing, because people just swallow this shit wholesale.

Boringcookingquestion · 07/04/2023 20:35

I have a two year old and a baby. The first few weeks were hard whilst my oldest adapted to sharing mine and DH’s attention, but a few months down the line and I wouldn’t change a thing. Watching them laugh at each other is absolute magic!

It can be hard to juggle them both at times, but mostly it just works.

The only slight caveat is that I went off my chosen career when my first was born and didn’t go back after maternity (I’m using the next year or so to plan a career change), so I’m not worrying about work.

I also like the baby/toddler stage so may feel differently when they are teenagers.

usererror99 · 07/04/2023 20:36

Nope and my "second" were twins I waited until eldest was 4 though and at school

Spck · 07/04/2023 20:39

Haven’t read the whole thread but three grown up children here and it’s fantastic!