Autistic women assemble!

[Nepmarthiturn]

...only if and when you're not feeling antisocial and want the entire world to +%$¥ off, or course. 😉😆

A few of us were talking on another thread and thought it would be nice to have a support/ chat thread on here to share interests/ challenges/ parenting issues or whatever we feel like. A little community of autistic women on here that we can dip in and out of but will be supportive and friendly and people who actually get it.

Might also be a nice counterbalance to all of the horrific posts about autism that we find here so regularly!!

P.S. Have deliberately posted this in chat rather than in the ND Mumsnetters topic because it will hopefully reach more people who would like to join in. I didn't even realise that section existed for a long time and often miss threads there as they don't show in active and expect I'm not alone in that. However, in posting this here, we will be relying on the people with obnoxious and ignorant views about autism who so regularly post on Mumsnet, to demonstrate to us their allegedly superior empathy (ha!) and please just leave this thread alone: it's not for you. Many thanks!!

Yes, that fear of being disbelieved. So you learn to just bury everything and never talk about it. I can completely understand that you felt some relief when that treatment of others was publicised, but then also it's hugely distressing because it brings out all of those buried feelings again, it must have brought so many emotions flooding back. Through my therapy I've triggered memories I'd completely buried and that can be very hard. Such tangled emotions in it all.

And yes I think for me I think the trauma compounded the effect of the autism, because being autistic I was naturally anxious, needed stability, needed to feel safe, needed help to understand social relationships and learn the "rules" and how to have boundaries and obviously what happened was the opposite so I think that's why I then made very bad decisions when it came to choosing relationships. I just did not understand what people were doing.

Your parents do sound very caring and wonderful. To accept you just as you are and love you and support you. Although, I know obviously this is meant to be normal!! 🤣 But I mean to want to learn and understand you and even your mum re-examine herself and say she's probably autistic too, that's a big thing when you're older and means kind of reframing almost an entire lifetime of memories and decisions and relationships.

I agree!

But I've done my usual thing, got back from being around people then needed so long to decompress that I haven't slept and had some kind of ADHD timeslip and now realise kids will have me up again in a few hours so must at least attempt to sleep now and will try to check that out tomorrow @TyneTeas ! I started reading but realised my brain is now resembling a scrambled egg. 🤣🤣 (I hate eggs, yuk).

Exactly, Nep — it generates such mental conflicts. To not want these kinds of things to be happening to anyone, to not want buried memories dragged from the depths and reinvigorated, but at the same time, to feel glad there's publicity that these things happen.

I think you're right that it makes sense that if you're autistic, you might rely even more on having a clear, strong scaffold that you can grow up around, and that without that framework, you might not have the same resources to fall back on as someone without these differences.

My parents aren't perfect, but they're good people and I must've put them through hell.

Now go and sleep! I'm very familiar with that staying awake to decompress after too much interaction thing Good luck quieting the chattering brain-monkey.

🦧🚫

Looks more like a gorilla but the best I could come up with!

Good night/ morning! 😆💐🥱😴🤞

Ugh, insomnia - brings me back here.

Goose - just two mouthfuls? I imagined they’d be big bastards to cook and eat.

I am slightly in awe of OP, and others on here, who are able to respond to absolute specifics posted by others. I find that I often get “lost” on threads. I don’t respond with empathy or insight, I can’t summon up words of advice to be helpful. I tend to post “me” stuff - whether that be nice things I want to share (photos of flowers, crafts, pets, etc). Or stuff that I get a bee in my bonnet about that means I want to call someone out for what a dick they’re being. I can’t seem to find a strategy for acknowledging everything that I might have had a part in posting on.

So, without going into specifics, am really sorry re the recent posts about childhood experiences. I really hope that things are starting to move on now with regards to early diagnosis - I don’t have children so can’t know if things have improved. The more I’ve been reading info out there, the more I hope that the next generations will have better understanding. I think that for many who are slightly older, windows of opportunity were definitely missed with regards to understanding, support and development. And that the lack of these means that some feelings and behaviours are more difficult to come to terms with.

Reading the posts on here, even if I don’t acknowledge them all, is really helpful (though not sure that’s the right word). It’s more like everything just sits “right” with me when I read them.

Ugh, insomnia - brings me back here.

I'm still not asleep either. FFS!!! These family events, though lovely, really screw me over. I hope you are asleep now!!

There is research now that I think (if tired brain is remembering right 🥴) over 85% of autistic women suffer with some kind of sleep disorder! Melatonin mostly helps a lot. It usually improves things a bit for me, but not today. Really recommend it thougj for anybody who regularly has this issue!

Goose - just two mouthfuls? I imagined they’d be big bastards to cook and eat.

@JarByTheDoor was joking because they are absolutely huge, like 5-6kg huge. 🤣

I am slightly in awe of OP, and others on here, who are able to respond to absolute specifics posted by others. I find that I often get “lost” on threads. I don’t respond with empathy or insight, I can’t summon up words of advice to be helpful. I tend to post “me” stuff - whether that be nice things I want to share (photos of flowers, crafts, pets, etc). Or stuff that I get a bee in my bonnet about that means I want to call someone out for what a dick they’re being. I can’t seem to find a strategy for acknowledging everything that I might have had a part in posting on.

You don't have to. And actually you actually did anyway below!! 🤣 Also I think with me it is partly overcompensating because I am worried people will feel what they've said is ignored or not acknowledged or worried I will get stuff wrong (not just here but in general) so I actually blah blah blah much too much (maybe I am a hypocrite after all having moaned about NTs doing this earlier in the thread 🤣🤣🤣). People usually get sick of me chattering so honestly people here can feel free to tell me to shut it, no offence will be taken I swear, really don't want to crowd out other people being able to talk.

So, without going into specifics, am really sorry re the recent posts about childhood experiences. I really hope that things are starting to move on now with regards to early diagnosis - I don’t have children so can’t know if things have improved. The more I’ve been reading info out there, the more I hope that the next generations will have better understanding. I think that for many who are slightly older, windows of opportunity were definitely missed with regards to understanding, support and development. And that the lack of these means that some feelings and behaviours are more difficult to come to terms with.

This is my hope too, that it is a bit better now and will continue to get better. I think that's happening, but it's still all way harder than it should be for young people too. 😔

Reading the posts on here, even if I don’t acknowledge them all, is really helpful (though not sure that’s the right word). It’s more like everything just sits “right” with me when I read them.

This is lovely. 😊 I feel just the same.

I hope you are fast asleep now.

And that my children have something resembling a lie in by their standards otherwise tomorrow I'll be full on 🧟‍♀️ tomorrow.

Sometimes I just really want to hit my brain. 🫣😆

Okay waaaay too many surplus "actually"s and exclamation marks.

Please excuse me, been a long day(s), or something. 🤣🤣🤣

Absolutely shutting Mumsnet now and WILL press emergency off switch.

Weirdly, I wasn't joking about the goose, at least not in that way… they look massive, but they're essentially a giant air pocket surrounded by an enormous ribcage, covered in a thin layer of meat and a thick layer of fat. So you buy this huge goose that, if you're used to ducks or chickens or turkeys, looks like it could feed the five thousand, and it ends up having maybe half the actual meat you thought it would. At best. But it's rich and very delicious and makes superb roast potatoes, so I guess it's worth it

I too have shit sleep. Mine alternates between a way-more-than-24h (but inconsistently lengthened) cycle, skipped nights (3 days and nights in a row with zero sleep, recently, though to be fair I was taking lisdexamfetamine in the daytime), and if left entirely to my own devices, months at a time with only random little scraps of sleep lasting between 20m and 4h scattered here and there, utterly randomly, but averaging 8h per 24h. It's astonishingly disruptive having abnormal sleep patterns (or lack thereof), and much harder to fix than people without these problems think it is. With enough luck and a lot of hard work and self-discipline and plenty of uppers and downers, I can manage maybe three or four nights in a row of "normal" sleep pattern before it goes tits up. My sympathies with everyone else dealing with a brain that just will not entrain to a normal daily rhythm; it sucks balls.

Furries, I can't speak for others but I see nothing wrong with your or anyone else's posting style. I for one enjoy pictures of people's interests, and informative or entertaining or otherwise interesting explanations of why somebody is a giant dick (as long as I agree )

School for me was a very mixed bag. I was academically extremely gifted, and lucky enough at primary to have teachers who were excited by it and found me challenging extras to do. I loved learning - still do - and absolutely thrived in lessons. I was also horrifically bullied right through from infants; nicknamed "the stare-y fairy", made fun of for being articulate and well spoken (I grew up in a place with a strong rural accent that I never really picked up (though i learned to imitate it very well by midway through juniors)), and by the time I was in Y3 being pushed about and hit.

Secondary school was much the same, only with the added sensory overload of so many people in the corridors and all the transitions between lessons. I still absolutely flew through my lessons, had (mostly) wonderful teachers, and got the best GCSE results in the school, but I was also bullied and ostracised to the point I'm terrified of social situations, and have completely non-existent self esteem.

My only escape was dance. When I wasn't at school, I pretty much lived in the dance studio. It was my safe haven. I found the routine of all the classes so comforting, the precision and the rules (particularly with ballet) was so satisfying, and I could just lose myself in the music. The rhythms of tap dancing lit me on fire, and I was good enough to get to nationals on four occasions (though I never won - which was probably a good thing because I never had pressure). My mum once commented that I let people see me on stage in a way I never did otherwise, and I think it was because it's the only place in my life I ever felt free. I kept it up (though not at the same level) right up until I had kids, but a husband who works shifts and a total lack of childcare options, meant I had to give it up. It still absolutely kills me, and I think having lost that outlet accounts for a hefty part of why I find things so much more overwhelming than I used to!

@Rarar Primary was mostly okay for me apart from having situational mutism which blew up in about year 4 or 5 when my teacher shouted at me for not speaking. My mum went in and absolutely lost it with the teacher, she never shouted again. As an adult I know more about the situation the teacher did indeed shout at me, realised her mistake and called a meeting with my mum and tried to explain that something was very "wrong" with me and she needed to get me assessed. My mum lost it over her wording of something being wrong with me and informed the teacher that I was perfect and was just quiet in school and at home I was a chatterbox. After my diagnosis my mum was so upset she blamed herself for not doing something all those years ago but she didn't see any problems, I just had quirks. It was only during my diagnosis when she had to go over everything that she realised just how different I was.

Secondary school I was way ahead for the first 2 terms of year 7 and then it all went downhill, I couldn't cope (a combination of sensory/social issues with a bit of bullying) and started skipping school in year 9. Eventually, my parents found out, after years of me 'going off to school' in reality I was just riding around on buses all day/hanging out in the town centre. I don't know why the school didn't say anything sooner but I suppose it was different back then, my dad started driving me to school and would sit and watch me go in (that sure helped with the bullying!), by that time it was my final year. I managed to scrape some passes but I failed my maths and yet somehow ended up in accountancy for a few years before I moved hundreds of miles away when I got married.

I continued testing the waters with education, doing some open uni courses but then as DD got older and didn't need my support as much (mainly with school issues) I started looking into re-entering the workplace and you need a maths qualification for pretty much everything now. I also started thinking about a career in psychology (a subject I'm very interested in) so looked at access courses to then lead on to a uni degree but it was yet again the lack of maths. So I re-took my maths GCSE by the time I did that I had changed my mind about psychology I mean I struggle being around people generally how on earth would I cope trying to engage in conversation as part of a job. So I've gone back to another interest of mine coding, I'm working my way through 2 courses and I'm waiting to hear back about a sponsored degree course. Still not sure how I'm going to cope in the workplace (when I worked in accounting I was signed off multiple times due to declining mental health) but I'm hopeful that coding will give me more flexibility to work from home (plus there are a lot of ND people in that field so I'm hoping for a more understanding place of work).

...or otherwise interesting explanations of why somebody is a giant dick (as long as I agree )

@JarByTheDoor this made me laugh to much. 😆

Wow @CaptainCallisto that's an amazing achievement with your dance! Such a shame you have had to stop. Do you think you'll take it up again when your children are older? Music was my escape as a child.

And so sorry to hear that so many people were bullied at school. 😔

That made me laugh as well.

Also how we were all at crossed purposes re geese 🤣. I’d been wondering if Jar had got mixed up with quail (not that I’ve ever eaten or even seen cooked quail)! Then after your post I thought “ah, yeah, jokes often go right over my head”. Turns out they’re all feathers and no meat 🤣

Thank you for your lovely response above. I definitely don’t think you chat too much. Equally, I wouldn’t think you were wrong not to reply to everything posted, that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself.

I hope you managed some decent sleep. I don’t have kids to wake me up, just the cat who stands on me and literally shouts at me.

@camelCase - well done on retaking your maths GCSE. And good luck with coding, hopefully there will be some great opportunities for wfh roles.

I'd like to think I will, but I don't know that I'll have the confidence to go back now. My head still thinks I'm a dancer, but my body has other ideas! I'm now a size 20 with several arthritic joints (probably from all the ballet!) and I'm too afraid of having to talk to new people to feel comfortable with the idea of starting an adult class. During lockdown, I started doing 20m of ballet barre every day using my kitchen sides. I keep meaning to go back to it, but then I come home from work (in a primary school) and I'm so burnt out from masking that I just collapse in a heap!

Oh wow I can imagine, loud kids all day and then come home to more of the same! 😧 Such a shame though to loose your outlet the at gave you that mental peace and expression.

I did similarly with music: didn't play the piano for decades because I was moving all the time so couldn't have one. Decided to take it up again then kids came along and now have no headspace or time to practice. Also get very frustrated with being no good anymore. 🫣 Maybe one day...

I absolutely love my job, but I'm currently in Y2 with 30 very challenging 6/7 year olds. They've really suffered developmentally due to Covid, so they're much less independent than the same age group pre-pandemic, and there's a lot of emotional issues. I'm their safe person, so I spend most of every day with a small child snuggled in to my side, or on my lap, whilst simultaneously trying to support my group of SEN children with their maths/literacy. I adore them all, but I'm very much touched out by the time I get home! Luckily both my boys need some compression time after school too, so we have a quiet hour when we get in. DS1 will disappear upstairs and build Lego or read his railway magazines, DS2 will obsessively sort through his Pokemon cards, and I'll bury myself in a book with a pot of tea!

DS2 has just come downstairs in just his pants (par for the course) and I've seen the state of his legs after yesterday's bike riding attempts. I'm quite glad it's raining and he can't go out and try again!

OP, this is a great thread; it's becoming a valuable resource for us all.

Please don't feel that you have to reply personally to everyone. Your brain won't turn itself off at all, and that would be terrible.

We understand that you can't realistically respond to every post, and I am pretty sure that nobody here expects you to do so.

Thank you so much for starting the thread. It's brilliant.

I'm quiet this weekend as I've had a flare up. I have Crohns and bile acid malabsorption and my bowels, joints and brain are all in a right state. DH supposed to be working away tomorrow and I know that later I'm going to have to have The Conversation and ask him to wfh. I can only get up the stairs on all fours ffs.

I've just managed a ham sandwich but that's only because I've taken so many opiates that my fingers feel numb,

Oh bless him!! Really amazing his perseverance with it though. How did he get on, did he make some progress, as well as the bruises? Hope he's not upset about them? My daughter is so sensitive to touch that if she gets the tiniest scratch it is treated like a lost limb and is a HUGE drama. 🫣

Thank you for this!!! I do need reminding sometimes. 🤣 I didn't want anybody to feel ignored or excluded but there are lots of us here now so hopefully there will always be someone with the headspace to talk and it does not have to be me. 😊 Also do not want the thread to be The Nepmarthiturn Show. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thank you @TheShellBeach 💐

Did want to reply to this though, that sounds absolutely horrible!!! 😩 Do you think you'll have to ask him? He must be able to see you're really unwell. 😥

Nepmarthiturn, DS is very odd with pain; tiny things leave him screaming the place down like he's been critically wounded, but when he does something major, he barely seems to notice it. For example, he dislocated his knee at school (he's severely hypermobile so does this sort of thing a lot) and didn't say anything for about two hours when it had swelled up so much it was pressing against his trousers. He made a bit of progress on the bike front, so hopefully worth a few bruises long term!

Sorry you're having a bad flare, Cape - hope DH manages to wfh home and it settles quickly for you.