DH wants children, I am on the fence

[IndecisiveLemon]

Hi everyone,

I'm naturally an indecisive person. In my early 20s, I felt like I didn't want children ever. Then in my mid 20s, I was still mostly against the idea. Now I'm 29, and I am firmly on the fence.

DH talks about having a daughter or a son, taking them to the park, going part time at work and being home with the baby etc. Anyway, he knows I'm easily spooked so doesn't put pressure on, but I know he wants them.

DH can go part time at work, as can I. We'd be ok financially and both have time at work and with the baby. We have a spreadsheet and everything. 🤦‍♀️ He says having a plan in place might help me feel better about it and he talked through each of my concerns and how we can prevent/work around them. My biggest fears are the loss of identity and time as a couple and with friends (that reads so surface-level, sorry but it's just the truth!).

I've never wanted 1, I've always wanted 2 if any (my sister is my best friend) - this makes me spiral even more.

Were any of you firmly on the fence about kids, ended up having them, and were pleasantly surprised?

We've been together 12 years. I don't think DH realises how much we are 'used to' our life as a couple and how calm/easy/fun it is and everything we'd be losing. He says he's bored of all the fun stuff now though! Problem is, I think I could do it forever 🙃

What you don't realise at 29 is that a large proportion of your friends will start having kids, so your life will change a lot in the next decade or so anyway. And going out to clubs and pubs etc does get a bit old and you get a bit more tired as you head through your thirties.

That's not to say you should have children, just that life won't stay still so your current lifestyle isn't forever, I'm afraid! But there are plenty of other rewarding things to do that aren't having children.

I'm not sure that having children can be described as either wholly positive or wholly negative, you just have to take the leap and some kids are much less work than others. TBH it's sometimes a total drag and sometimes the best thing ever.

I always knew I wanted kids. It's way harder than I imagined though but also they are so loveable and I wld never change it.

If I were u I'd stick with 1 if u do decide to go ahead. 1 is manageable still have plenty time for urself and each other. With 2 one of us is always dealing with a child and we don't get as much time to ourselves and even less for each other. Although it does get easier as they get older. Now that youngest is 3 things are settling down and more manageable.

have you discussed all the aspects of raising the children and who will do what and how finances and childcare and stuff would work?

If you are on the same page then go from there.

I never wanted any but had one at 34 and yes, pleasantly surprised, because she's amazing and makes my life better.

Having said that, it's difficult.

Also, one is pretty easy whereas more than one is difficult in my view, at least close in age, caring for two small children is really hard in my experience, even though of course only one has ever been mine.

I think it's a huge key difference.

Be very careful.

The motherhood penalty is real, and it's huge.

Women are frequently encouraged to have children and told how amazing motherhood is, when the reality is that your life will change beyond all recognition for at least 20 years. A lot of women regret having children, but of course once you've done it, it's too late to change your mind.

For my part, I would never recommend motherhood to any woman UNLESS she is absolutely 100% sure that it is what she wants to do. It's the hardest job in the world, and the sacrifices you will have to make are enormous. The financial impact can be devastating - ruined career, pension prospects destroyed - just take a look at the statistics. Also take a look at "Pregnant Then Screwed".

Arm yourself with all the facts and don't let anyone spin you the "joyful" narrative, as parenthood can be anything but.

And then, if you decide you want to become a mother, at least you'll be going in with your eyes open.

Remember too, the vast majority of men don't take the DC with them when relationships fail. Most don't even do 50/50.
As a woman, always think worst case scenario.

I was in that situation - DH was much more keen on kids that me and I had a strong career. but we went for it & have two girls who I love and couldn't be without.

DH is wfh and does more childcare than me. I earn more, travel for work quite a lot and have managed to keep my career going. If that weren't the case, I might have more resentment.

Thanks for the replies so far!

@happysingleversary To answer some of your questions... financially, we share everything at the moment. It's a one-pot system that seems to work well for us. Any childcare would come off that. Both our names are on everything too. We can both afford to work part time after parental leave, so plan to do that if we go ahead. So it seems like it would be 50/50. DH is very tidy (does more housework than me) and we are pretty equal in most areas I'd say, so I don't think he would leave me to get on with it (however, who really knows until you actually do it!).

I think ideally you need to really really really want kids if you’re gonna have one. It’s hard and long! I have 3 because I really really really wanted and almost like physically needed a third. It’s hard (amazing and lovely too) and we wouldn’t have had her if we were meh about it.

Wow well it sounds like you have a genuinely decent relationship and that's one that would be great for a child. So excellent, it's rare and beautiful to see.

You trust this person with your life? He respects you? You agree on how to rear a child?

YOu have a bit of time.

Sit back and imagine your life at 50, possibly single, no children. How do you feel?

That's great @parietal ! I enjoy my freedom, always have done (was a carer as a child and I wonder if it stems from that tbh).

My DH and I also wfh. However, DH earns a lot more than I do, but he knows I mentally need to be around adults. A lot of fathers at his work seem to go down to 3 or 4 days after kids though and still get promotions etc so hoping this would be the case for him.

We’ve both been in the fence, and it’s only since we’ve had more kids in our lives (niece/Nephews and friends kids) that’s pushed us towards wanting them. Given your age I’d leave it a few years, unless you have a known reason that getting pregnant would be difficult. We’re 32 and 36 (DH) now.

Were any of you firmly on the fence about kids, ended up having them, and were pleasantly surprised?

I only TTC because I was worried that if I got to my forties and really felt my biological clock, that I hadn't done it sooner when biologically easier. Dh and I were together from 18, and waited 8 years before ttc. And like I say, I only really did it to avoid biological clock possibly kicking in at a time I could no longer have kids.

I also had a mentality of "if we try and we can't, then we will change what our future looks like" so I suppose I was on the fence. Ttc but if it doesn't work for us at least I know and it's not going to come round in 15 years and hit me over the head with it

We succeeded in ttcing so I'll never know what the actual reality of infertility would have looked like for me, its easy for me to say (before and after kids), we will just travel and have lots of dogs but I'm blessed not to have to have tested that theory out.

So I suppose technically I was on the fence

I never went into Motherhood from a prospective of "I'm meant to be a parent / I need to be a parent".

Parenting is really challenging, lots of fun, and has improved my levels of empathy, patience, perspective, and my favourite bit of motherhood is watching my children develop personality, interests and a life outside of what I offer at home.

Oh absoloutley this. Wonderful as dh is, and was, I knew there was a remote possibility that I'd end up a lone parent with 100% responsibility.

Just to give a different perspective, I certainly haven't found it to be "the hardest job in the world", I have actually found it relatively easy and very enjoyable. My paid work is much harder!!

My life has undoubtedly changed, but not for the worse and I don't perceive that I have made any significant sacrifices. Rather, my life has been enriched. I don't feel that my career has suffered significantly either - quite the contrary, my career has gone from strength to strength.

It probably helps that I only have one (secondary infertility for which I'm now immensely grateful!). And of course, everyone's experience is very different.

The real difficulty is that you can't possibly know how you will experience motherhood until you're in it, so I agree that you have to really want kids to make it worth the risk. However, just as you shouldn't necessarily assume that your experience of motherhood will be amazing, you also shouldn't buy into the idea that it's all doom and gloom either.

For me personally, it is by far and away the best thing I have ever done. I have a very close friend who bitterly regrets having had kids. And I have a close relative who bitterly regrets not having had kids. There are no easy answers and nobody else can tell you what to do. You just have to go with your gut.

Hi OP. I never really wanted a baby but I couldn’t imagine myself without a family. Not all women want to be pregnant and get excited about the early years. I have a toddler and love her to bits and it’s hard, but I never had an idealised view of how it would be.

It’s not just about having a baby. Try and think long term about what you want and how you see your life. People can get so hung up about the pregnancy/squishy baby bit, but that’s just a relatively short stage.

You don’t necessarily do the pubs and clubs thing as you get older, but I am able to pursue my hobbies, have a lie in, travel in term time, take last minute breaks, hang out with my child-free friends etc.
The thought of weekends being taken up with kids parties/activities etc sounds like torture to me.

Once you’ve had kids, you can never give them back!
My DH would be happy enough to have kids, but he struggles terribly if he doesn’t get enough sleep and I know all that would be left to me.
Plus, I have no interest in adapting my life to kids, so we’re not having them!

I was just like you OP! We really only started talking about it after we realised we were spending a lot of time around kids anyway as our friends had them, and that I was getting less interested in nights out.

For me, I loved it. I had such low expectations that I found parenting a joy! It felt like a whole new adventure. Its definitely frustrating that there are no breaks and lying in all Sunday isn't an option, but on balance I'm very glad I did it.

Having said that, I firmly believe we could also have been very happy living a childfree life and travelling, studying, treating ourselves a bit more etc.

I guess basically I'm saying all options are great (and awful!) in their own way. I thought about how I'd feel at 60 as well

I guess the other thing to bear in mind is that, if your DH really wants kids and you decide not to go ahead, he may decide that he wants out of the relationship in any case. It could be a deal breaker for him. And in that scenario, your life would change significantly in any case.

Not saying that you should have kids to keep him happy at all...I firmly believe that both parents should actively want them. I'm just saying that it might not be as straightforward a choice as having kids or keeping things as they are right now.

I was on the fence. My DH wanted a kid but was okay if it never happened. Ultimately we decided to try mostly because I was worried that I’d regret not doing it. But I was still kind of ambivalent. As it turns out, I love being a parent more than I could have ever imagined - it’s the best thing I’ve ever done!

I almost didn’t post because it sounds like I’m very negative and doom driven. So I will start with the fact that my DS is the best thing in the world. He is amazing and I adore him. I cannot wait in many ways to watch him grow.
But if you want to decide with your eyes open then this is what I wish I had known:

I agree with pp in lots of ways, I had DS when I was 39 as I was convinced I didn’t really want a child until then. If I’m totally honest, I was very naive about how much my life would have to change as a mother. I wish somebody had told me how mentally and physically difficult it would be to be ‘switched on’ all the time to look after a child and that the hard bit lasts 3-5 years(potentially longer). As far as I can see it just gets harder as they get older in different ways. It’s not the same for the Dad in my experience.
I have a busy professional job and I’m exhausted going to work with 4-5 hours sleep at best. I dread the terrible two and threenager stages and my mental and physical health is teetering on the brink almost constantly. There is no time for exercise, cleaning, seeing friends etc. It is very hard to find gaps in the weekly routine of child life and when you have time, you are so tired you don’t want to do anything anyway.
I would seriously consider what your support network will look like before you plan children. We have had to take 14 working days leave for sickness already since January. It’s hard on your career if you don’t have anyone to help with that.
My DH is very neat and tidy. DS has nearly broken him because we cannot keep things tidy and there is a lot of clutter and damage generally that comes with a child. The house will not be undamaged, clean and tidy until DS is older I don’t think.
my DS was also unexpectedly very premature - remember that things are not always to plan and you may need to be very flexible if the child is early, sick or has special needs.
Think carefully op about what you want to have done before you have children. They are limiting on lifestyle.

Sorry also didn’t realise it was so long!

I never wanted children. DH knew this when we married. I resolutely didn't want any until i was about 33 or 34. Then i couldn't bear to see babies because suddenly i wanted one. I waited for a year before i mentioned it to my DH because i didn't want to get his hopes up.

We didn't have to try for long, luckily for him because if it had gone on about 3 months longer i'd have gone off the idea. We had a plan, i don't particularly like children, never played with dolls, never did the teddy-in-a-pram thing etc etc. I was the higher earner, his job more flexible so I'd go back to work after 6 months.

Things intervened, but anyway, by the time i was 36 i had 2 children and while things have been up and down in terms of me really not liking other people's children at all, for the most part it has been fine. We did/do a lot as a family, i worked full time as soon as i could and we struggled at times, but it's been fine, on balance.

I still don't like other people's children and am completely in the "really couldn't care less if i have GCs or not"

This is a great post, thank you. I am 34, very much on the fence, you have verbalised all my concerns. It is so hard to know what to do.

Have to agree with this..

If you're not 100% on board, I would think twice.

I maybe able to add something helpful.

my situation is that I have 2 DC (10 and 13)with my Ex. We live close to eachother and do 50/50.

I re-married a few years ago and my new husband definitely wanted to be a dad. He is younger than me.

Because I only have my children 50% of time, me and new husband had a very good fun life 50% of time 😄 Freedom for short breaks, gym, nights out, lay ins etc! Obviously I miss my children when at their dads, but we made most.

Husband always wanted a child. This was a dilemma as I was enjoying my new life with some child-free days.

We ended up with an amazing daughter who’s now 3. I made absolutely sure that my husband would definitely do his fair share of Everything related to her. He’s also always done night times and night wakings. I went part time. If he hadn’t take on half the ‘work’ then I would have felt quite resentful I think.

So what I’m trying to say, is think very carefully, it would be awful to feel resentful at the things you miss out on. If your DH would cut his hours down for childcare and is really onboard for maybe being the main carer while you work more you may find it’s the perfect life for you. X