DH wants children, I am on the fence

[IndecisiveLemon]

Hi everyone,

I'm naturally an indecisive person. In my early 20s, I felt like I didn't want children ever. Then in my mid 20s, I was still mostly against the idea. Now I'm 29, and I am firmly on the fence.

DH talks about having a daughter or a son, taking them to the park, going part time at work and being home with the baby etc. Anyway, he knows I'm easily spooked so doesn't put pressure on, but I know he wants them.

DH can go part time at work, as can I. We'd be ok financially and both have time at work and with the baby. We have a spreadsheet and everything. 🤦‍♀️ He says having a plan in place might help me feel better about it and he talked through each of my concerns and how we can prevent/work around them. My biggest fears are the loss of identity and time as a couple and with friends (that reads so surface-level, sorry but it's just the truth!).

I've never wanted 1, I've always wanted 2 if any (my sister is my best friend) - this makes me spiral even more.

Were any of you firmly on the fence about kids, ended up having them, and were pleasantly surprised?

We've been together 12 years. I don't think DH realises how much we are 'used to' our life as a couple and how calm/easy/fun it is and everything we'd be losing. He says he's bored of all the fun stuff now though! Problem is, I think I could do it forever 🙃

@BobbidyBibbidyBob There are moments of magic when DS puts his little hand on my face and says mama. And he is funny but getting to 21 months of age has been challenging. The lifestyle change is significant and I miss being able to relax. I am of the anxious type though so perhaps others don’t feel this so heavily.
The thing that made my mind up in the end was looking to the future. I couldn’t see a world where I was 60 and didn’t have a child so I went for it! I hope he still like me when I’m 60 and he’s 20 😂

This is the thing.. what does the next 20 years + look like for me/us without a child. It is so hard to know. I have a well paid job, but am out of the house 7-8, 5 days a week, that would be the first thing to go as I cannot WFH and nursery and commute don't seem manageable. So much will change, I too am highly anxious/depressive individual and only see the slithers of positive light in the future occasionally, otherwise i am full on doom and gloom (exhausting)! I sometimes wonder however if having a child will change MY perspective on life and the world. I mainly just cant decide if it is a financial sacrifice I can get comfortable with, especially in the current economy.

i have 4 children now (ages 20,17,6 and 4) and wasn’t 100% sure I wanted children before I had them. Then I had my first and was instantly in love, he was an easy baby, very chilled, laughed and smiled a lot, didn’t cry much, ate well, slept very well, no problems at all. I carried on working 4 days after a 6 month maternity leave, he was happy to be left in (wonderful) child care, and I still went out with friends etc as before. I used to wonder why people said it was so hard.

Then I had my second and found out! She wouldn’t sleep, was clingy, screamy, had colic, hated been left with anyone (even DH) and was just generally very hard work! (She’s mellowed now as a teenager and is easy!) haha

so I suppose what I’m saying is it really is pot luck to some extent what experience of motherhood you’ll have - it could be very hard work or it could be easy, take your chance!!

I've always struggled to 'picture' the future. My DH is better at this, talks about when we retire etc. I just can't imagine it! I don't think I'll be a lonely 60 year old if I stay childfree though, I have 5 siblings I'm close to and my family life feels like it'll always be busy (despite me not having kids).

I went through years of this indecision. I remember taking a bit of a contraceptive risk in my early 30s and absolutely crapped myself. Was so happy when my period arrived.

By late 30s it was 'now or never' so we just went for it. I bitterly regretted my decision as soon as DS arrived, I had awful PND and felt like I had thrown my entire life away.

Now DS is 12 and he's the light and love of my life but I would BEG any woman to have a baby for one reason only, that reason being that you absolutely really really want one. No other reason is good enough.

Yes @MorrisZapp people often say only have one of you have an absolute burning desire to! I don't have this. I wish I did tbh.

I read somewhere before that life before kids generally goes along at a steady 7/10, then life after kids is full of 1s and 10s. After having my children, I'd tend to agree with that.

It’s a difficult decision. My perspective is one of being just like you though, I enjoyed life and never wanted children. The decision was literally made for me when I found out I was pregnant and I knew I wanted the baby, and I am very, very glad for that decision.

But it’s not easy. It is in a way, caring for my baby was the easiest thing on the planet, you just stick a boob in their mouth whenever they get upset and that was literally that. I had it very easy, perhaps lucky, I was also off work until she was 2 so again that made it much easier. I focused on her alone and it’s the fondest memory of my entire life.

It can strain your relationship, but so will him wanting children and not getting them, he will literally have to move on unfortunately.

But regretting having your child would be absolutely disastrous, but then so would regretting not having any!

There's no way anyone can help you make this decision.

What if you think about finding our you're pregnant? How do you feel?

100% I was on the fence, sometimes with the little buggers I still am.

Weve had two, I’m lucky in that I work from home so have mostly fit that into life. I haven’t had any penalty from work - still in a demanding position Which I enjoy. I have changed friends, that isn’t down to the kids though.

We have no support network so have relied heavily on childcare - do not underestimate that as a cost or admin burden when they are sick. Also, in hindsight, lockdown / working and parenting was by far the worst experience of my life. No rose coloured glasses here.

But! They are more than I ever imagined they’d be - funny, interesting, engaging - we have changed our lives, they are the best part of us now. Watching them grow, develop and become themselves is unbelievably rewarding.

What will you do if your final decision is "no, I'm not having any children?" Will your DH be happy to carry on as you are for the rest of your lives (you've already said he's started to get bored with it now).

What if your DH decided to leave and find someone who does want children? Your life as you know it will be over anyway? Could you live without him?

@BobbidyBibbidyBob it does change your perspective in my experience. DS is my single focus much of the time and while I’m often anxious about him and my lack of space/time, I no longer worry about anything else at all. Which is a good thing. The job thing is important especially the hours for the first years. I know what you mean about the finances - but scary but we have just tightened our belts a bit and things sort of work out. The main cost is of course the childcare (makes me feel a bit sick when I pay that every month!). Good luck with deciding

I was kind of on the fence, I never had the powerful urge to have children. I just realised one day that I didn’t not want to have children, so we decided to try.

Even though I loved my life I couldn’t picture myself at 40 or 50 without children.

It was only once we decided to start trying that I got excited (and equally terrified) about the idea of having kids.

I have one DS. It’s hard work but amazing. We’re going to try for another soon.

DH wanted kids, I’d always thought I wouldn’t have them (my mum made no secret of how hard she found it).

We decided to have them, but I was clear that we would both work part time (which we did).

I love my DDs, but there is no denying that it is a huge lifestyle change and commitment. We’re knackered all the time because there is so little time to properly rest! Now they’re getting older it is easier, as we can leave them to pop to the shops etc, but for years if there’s only one person at home you can’t go anywhere without dragging them with you.

We were on the fence in our early 30s, but once all our friends started having babies we started coming round to the idea and did decide to try, we had two, two years apart in our late 30s (we are mid 50s with older teens now). Yes it’s been hard work at times, but it has also been the best decision we ever made, no regrets whatsoever.

Lots of good points raised by other people, and I would especially agree with the comments from @AmandaHoldensLips.

I would add that in the main, it’s the mother who ends up doing most of the work and taking most of the impact - and I’m saying this as someone who’s DH took Shared Parental Leave at the end of my maternity leave, did all the nursery drop offs, and shares the school run. We split things far more equally than most of the other parents I know, but it’s not truly 50:50.

You’ve written about your DH taking about taking your child to the park and other nice things, which makes me wonder if he’s really only thinking about all the ‘nice’ parts of parenting and not the drudge work.

Do you have family nearby? We don’t, and I’ve found that hard - we’d budgeted for childcare costs rather than having family help, but I didn’t realise that just having grandparents nearby for one-off help would make life easier. We managed, but someone to do an occasional school pickup or look after DD when she was too ill to go to nursery would have been a great help.

When we speak about kids, DH says if final decision is no from me then he's OK with it. He said he wouldn't leave to meet a hypothetical woman and have hypothetical kids as you don't really know if that would work out anyway. I really think he would rather have our real life, than leave for one that he might not get. However, surely he would begin to resent me, if that's what he really wanted (although he assures me he wouldn't). Lots to think about though!

I'm naturally an indecisive person

This jumped out at me. So is my mother - in the extreme. But what she has always failed to learn is that not making a decision IS making a decision in itself; it’s a decision to stick with the status quo. I won’t bore you with the details of the awful situations she’s ended up in because she can’t make a call (think in a house practically falling down around her etc), but the general point applies up your situation. Not to decide whether or not you have children is deciding not to have them for the moment. And you’re still young at the moment, so that’s fair enough. But in 15 years time, not deciding to have children means that you will actually have decided not to have children. So it’s worth actually coming to a decision and making sure it’s the one you want to make, rather than passively making one by default.

@EllieQ agree, I think he is dreaming of all the good parts. Not the screaming through the night etc.

Yes, the woman is the person impacted the most, with pregnancy and childbirth etc 100%.

We have siblings, and two sets of in laws nearby. DH's side have no kids and they're quite desperate so I think they would want to be involved (that could all change though and you can't count on anything).

@ItsMeAgainYesHowDidYouGuess2 when we married, we were both on the fence. We've been married for years, since we were young. At an age where most people probably don't know if they want kids or not. Calm down.

I have two wonderful kids but it was DH who wanted them more than I did. The mother is never switched off. Even though away from home at Uni, the responsibility morphs into a different type. I find it overbearing and I never feel free. A switch is flicked when you become a mother and for me it’ll never switch back.
Think very carefully about it because despite all this modern 21st century father involvement the reality is the mother still bears much of the load even when the father is engaged and doing his bit.

@WimpoleHat I relate to this. I think either option could be fine, so I end up just not taking action a lot of the time. However, I'm not the type to stay in a job I hate (moved jobs lots tbh), and I'm always wanting something new done in the house and plan lots of holidays which we end up going on. So, I am fine with all things changeable, its just there's no going back with kids!

I didn't want children. The lack of independence, the exhaustion, the responsibility sounded like a total nightmare.

My three children have been the best things in my life. I can not imagine ever being without them and I'm so glad for my extremely irresponsible attitude to contraception all those years ago.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Yes, it will change your life massively and you won't get as much 'couple' time or sleep or independence. Or freedom. Or money. Or time to yourself.

If you're not 100% on board after 12 years, you need to do the decent thing and set your DH free to find someone who wants the same future as him.

Or have children (if you can) and then risk resenting him. Will he be the stay at home parent?

We have a spreadsheet and everything.

That has nothing to do with practicalities of life as a parent. What is your spreadsheet about!?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy the spreadsheet is to work out our finances with less hours/and a child in the mix.