DH wants children, I am on the fence

[IndecisiveLemon]

Hi everyone,

I'm naturally an indecisive person. In my early 20s, I felt like I didn't want children ever. Then in my mid 20s, I was still mostly against the idea. Now I'm 29, and I am firmly on the fence.

DH talks about having a daughter or a son, taking them to the park, going part time at work and being home with the baby etc. Anyway, he knows I'm easily spooked so doesn't put pressure on, but I know he wants them.

DH can go part time at work, as can I. We'd be ok financially and both have time at work and with the baby. We have a spreadsheet and everything. 🤦‍♀️ He says having a plan in place might help me feel better about it and he talked through each of my concerns and how we can prevent/work around them. My biggest fears are the loss of identity and time as a couple and with friends (that reads so surface-level, sorry but it's just the truth!).

I've never wanted 1, I've always wanted 2 if any (my sister is my best friend) - this makes me spiral even more.

Were any of you firmly on the fence about kids, ended up having them, and were pleasantly surprised?

We've been together 12 years. I don't think DH realises how much we are 'used to' our life as a couple and how calm/easy/fun it is and everything we'd be losing. He says he's bored of all the fun stuff now though! Problem is, I think I could do it forever 🙃

If he really really wants them there's a fair to even chance he will end up finding someone to have them with if you don't. How would you feel ten years down the line if he has a toddler?

I was never naturally maternal. I was a bit concerned that I'd leave it too late and would regret that if later down the line I couldn't get pregnant so decided to just stop contraception with DH and see. I conceived DD1 instantly.... typical 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️. It's not an approach I'd necessarily recommend but it has worked out for us.

What I would say is that although I've always adored DDs, I found the baby and toddler stage tough. Relentless and boring. We didn't really help ourselves though as we thought if we had one DC we should have another and get the baby stage out of the way as quickly as possible so I had two in two years.

However, DDs are now 6 and 4 and an absolute delight. Life is busy, but really fun and luckily they adore one another and play really well together so DH and I do get some time to chill out without constantly having to occupy them. What I realised is that time marches on so quickly, I thought of myself at 50, 60, 70 or whatever and found that I really did want to have adult children in my life. It has been hard work but absolutely the best decision we made. I'm also fortunate that DH is great and we share most of the childcare 50/50, it's a team effort.

I've also made some amazing friends through having children at school together, or meeting at baby groups. Really incredible friendships that I'm fortunate to have made and wouldn't have come across without DDs, they're an additional blessing to me.

I would never advise dc if on the fence. Is definitely what aged 29 too. See what happens in your life and if it turns in the direction of having dc. Your dh has the luxury as a man of waiting for however long it takes and if I he decides to leave because you don't want dc you will undoubtedly be making the correct decision to not have dc if you're unsure.

You'll hear lots of 'my dc are the love of my life/I wasn't sure'etc but the reality is you have to be 100% committed to having dc unless you want a truly bumpy ride, and even the most committed still have an uphill struggle against them in most cases!
As pp have said often the mother ends up holding the baby if the dh gets bored of them too. Be careful here!

I think we are all guilty of planning what having children will be like when they are small, can we afford them, have we got childcare.
I found that period easy, DD was easy and childcare was done at nursery. Then you hit the older years of childcare issues and bloody school holidays. Then they hit secondary when you think it’s easier but it’s emotionally draining.
I have a teenager whose mental health is ruined, probably autistic, rarely attends school and I have no chance of working for years now. No idea it would end up like this. But on the other hand she has lots of friends who are doing well and will be leaving home in a few years and their parents will get their lives back.
I think I’m agreeing what others say, you need to be on board as it can go so many ways.

I have two and they are a pre-teen and a teen.
The worst aspect of motherhood for me besides the non-stop giving of myself, is the feeling of being trapped, like I'm snookered.

My advice is not to do it. I was always sure that I wanted children, I have two, and it's bloody hard.

Pregnancy and childbirth can go smoothly, you can make a full physical recovery, and have no trauma - or you can end up with lifelong injuries from pregnancy or a traumatic birth. And that's just the beginning. You might have a healthy easy going child that sleeps through the night from birth. You might have a child with a significant health condition or additional needs, which will put a huge strain on you, your husband, and your relationship.

Don't just think best case scenario, think worst case scenario and how you and your husband might cope. Hope for the best and plan for the worst.

How much time have you spent with close family and friends who have children? Could you stay with them for a bit? Offer to babysit? That might give you both a small sense of what it could be like.

Yes, I was totally on the fence. So I stopped taking the pill at 35. I assumed it would take a while to wear off. 3 weeks later I was pregnant. I hadn't even told my husband I'd stopped yet as I thought it would take months or years at that age.

But honestly it's been the BEST think that's ever happened. It's changed mr profoundly and for the better. I believe in myself more and my world feels fuller.

I have two now aged 2 and 4. My only regret is not having them earlier so I could have 2 more!

This isn't everyone's experience sadly. It is tough and it will put pressure on your relationship and your career will suffer. However, for me it's worth it 100%.

If you are on the fence, don't do it. For women it'd different. Your body mind snd life chsnged in a way no man has to even contemplate -and often doesn't for his partner. So it's fine your dh wants kids but ultimately your experienced will be planets apart.
Keep enjoying ehat you've got. Try if snd only if, you start yo really trullo belive you want kids for you not for him and not for this world that tells us thats ehat we are meant to be doing

I don't think anyone should have kids unless they are 100% sure they can't live without having a family.
I don't think anyone understands the boredom of small children, and older children if I'm honest and the things you can't do any more.
I rushed back to work very quickly because I so desperately needed another adult to talk to.
If your H decides kids weren't such fun after all you will be dumped with them.
Spend a day with someone else's young children and see how you feel.
Your needs will never come first again - ever.

I have kids, it’s all I have ever wanted out of life. I love being a mum and have a dh that works to support us and does a lot with the kids.

However it’s hard. All my life is about the kids. I think for the dad having kids is amazing because (in my experience and my friends experiences) you get left with all the difficult parts. They take the kids to the park so you can stay home and clean. Their hobbies don’t stop, yours will. Your life becomes a juggling act trying to get everything done when DH walks in expecting dinner on the table. It’s also amazing to raise little people and want them grow. But know despite what he says most of it will be down to you. If you aren’t sure give it more time. If you were in the position where you were the bigger earner and he would stay home I would say go for it.

'But know despite what he says most of it will be down to you.'

This is so true. It's like when the children ask for a dog and promise to walk it every day and take care of it etc. you just know you're going to end up shopping for the dog food, taking them to the vet and paying for the groomers and the rest of the family will throw a ball for it every now and then and think they're making an equal effort.

"They take the kids to the park so you can stay home and clean. Their hobbies don’t stop, yours will. Your life becomes a juggling act trying to get everything done when DH walks in expecting dinner on the table."

Not necessarily. It's true in many cases but not all. Depends if you have children with a selfish man who doesn't pull his weight, and if you put up with it.

DH and I share the parenting load. It's not perfect but it's not how you describe.

I was never on the fence, just absolutely sure from an early age.

I had friends who were on the fence though or who had previously decided against.

One had an unexpected pregnancy at 37 and was very on the fence as had never wanted to be a mother, and thought initially about not continuing the pregnancy.

She did go on to have the baby though and was absolutely smitten with her from day 1.

She talked often about her regrets that she didn’t start earlier as she very much wanted another by this point, but felt she was too old to take a risk, after an amniocentesis in the first pregnancy. In a serious relationship although not the most supportive DP in some ways, and some financial worries.

Another who wasn’t “broody” and didn’t know if she ever would be, but got to 35 and had got married, her DH wanted DC, and she didn’t want to time to run out and to regret it etc. She went on to have two and was really happy with that (very supportive DH, financially secure).

One who didn’t want DC, ever. Seemed very definite. Then suddenly and unexpectedly decided to try at 39 as she had a DP who really wanted one. Then when she got a positive result, couldn’t stop crying and immediately headed straight off to GP for advice about not continuing pregnancy.

It turned out though, that in her emotional state, she hadn’t read the pregnancy test correctly and it turned out she wasn’t pregnant after all 😅

Her reaction said it all though and she ended the relationship (it was a pretty weird relationship though and he had red flags everywhere and they were in financial difficulty). I think she had been pressured by him, and she is now absolute that she doesn’t want DC.

I think it’s also easier to recover physically when you are younger. I was mid-20s when I had my first and just bounced back physically, baby weight seemed to fall off straight away and I had so much energy and enthusiasm still.

Had the others at 29 and 31, and over 30 I felt a real difference during the pregnancy and I am glad I didn’t wait any longer.

My youngest DC is now close to secondary age and I am “getting my life back” in a lot of ways.

Yes, teens are hard in different ways but don’t require constant babysitting and soft play, and they stay in bed later at weekends. DH and I do get lost of quality time together and when I see people my age with young or preschool children, I don’t envy them at all (although I’m sure it’s right for them and maybe they enjoy that they were child-free for longer when young)

I loved the baby and toddler years but am enjoying this bit a lot too (although I remember about ages 6 - 9 being hard, I wasn’t so keen on those ages, for some reason !)

I always wanted kids from a young age. I love them. But I think it’s so so important people talk about when they’re little it hard but when they’re older it gets easier. I found the opposite. Babies yes tiresome and my second never slept- at 15 still doesn’t. But I think it’s important to look past even when you think it gets easier after 3 years or what whatever you think it might be and know while not always, there’s other things you might have to deal with. Teenage years is tough. We’ve had to deal with things that aren’t in babies first years etc. I’ve had to deal with mental health issues x2. Self harming and an eating disorder. Things that are way out of my scope and I’d never had dealings with before. While I wouldn’t change a thing I wish I’d looked past the baby/toddler years lol.

I was like you, on the fence completely and in fact never felt a need or desire for them. I honestly didn't think I'd be good raising children, and if I'm honest there were scary.

However I have 2, had them later (late 30s) and I can honestly say it is the best decision I ever made. I love them with my whole heart, its like wearing your heart on the outside.

Yes it absolutely changed me but for the better. I am softer, kinder, more loving, more patient, and life is a whole lot more colourful

My only regret is not having children earlier although I think I probably would have ended up with more than 2.

Be warned it changes everything. Life is hard when they are little and it's huge adjustment. It changed me for the better, perhaps not my marriage as it highlighted lots of issues but perhaps because I discovered i want more for my children and had to tackle that. But the reward for me, far outweighs any negative right now.

Im in my late 60’s and in all honesty if I knew then what I know now I’d never had had children.

They (all 3) are now approaching 50 and two of them are more of a worry to me than at any other stage.

it’s true they were cute and fun when little but those years passed so quickly

I love each one so much and would give my life for them in an instant.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that parenting isn’t just for 10,20 30 or however many years, it’s forever.

When I was growing up I always assumed I would have children as it seemed the done thing, but once I married my husband I began to question it as that next stage was suddenly looming and felt terrifying and very life changing. I could see all the advantages of not having children, didn't want to have them for any selfish reasons and knew that I didn't want an only child so it was all or nothing basically. After lots of consideration we tentatively decided to start TTC as the timing became right for us and I was about 60/40 in favour of having kids....and oddly enough the first failed cycle was enough to make me realise I actually really really wanted it. We are now 2 kids in and planning our third and I've no regrets. Not saying that would be the same for anyone else, and definitely not recommending it as a method of deciding (!!) but that was my experience!