DH wants children, I am on the fence

[IndecisiveLemon]

Hi everyone,

I'm naturally an indecisive person. In my early 20s, I felt like I didn't want children ever. Then in my mid 20s, I was still mostly against the idea. Now I'm 29, and I am firmly on the fence.

DH talks about having a daughter or a son, taking them to the park, going part time at work and being home with the baby etc. Anyway, he knows I'm easily spooked so doesn't put pressure on, but I know he wants them.

DH can go part time at work, as can I. We'd be ok financially and both have time at work and with the baby. We have a spreadsheet and everything. 🤦‍♀️ He says having a plan in place might help me feel better about it and he talked through each of my concerns and how we can prevent/work around them. My biggest fears are the loss of identity and time as a couple and with friends (that reads so surface-level, sorry but it's just the truth!).

I've never wanted 1, I've always wanted 2 if any (my sister is my best friend) - this makes me spiral even more.

Were any of you firmly on the fence about kids, ended up having them, and were pleasantly surprised?

We've been together 12 years. I don't think DH realises how much we are 'used to' our life as a couple and how calm/easy/fun it is and everything we'd be losing. He says he's bored of all the fun stuff now though! Problem is, I think I could do it forever 🙃

But regretting having your child would be absolutely disastrous, but then so would regretting not having any!

I disagree. Regretting having a child would be much worse than regretting not having one.

i also think that a lot of people don't get past the "let's have a baby" stage, and what they really should be saying is "let's chain ourselves to each other and one - or more - beings for the next 20+ years"

I speak to lots of people with very young (pre-school age) children and they are all about how hard it is. But if you speak to people with primary aged children, the consensus is often that it is even more stressful. And then when they get to the "do they/don't they" need after school care/activities in early secondary age, then the teenage years and beyond.

And the simple fact is that becoming a parent presents a series of challenges that many people (most people?) simply don't think about in that first rush of "let's start a family" (possibly only me?)

I literally know people in our circle who gave far more thought to getting a dog ("what about holidays?" "what about vet's bills" "can it be left alone for any length of time") than they did about getting pregnant.

For me having my first child was not really a rationale choice, it wasn't a necessity, it was an extension of our love/passion for each other, we felt like everything in the universe was willing us to do it. It was the opposite to the advice on here, the risk management approach. I met DH at 26, within a week I left the man I was living with and moved in with a friend in the same city as DH. However, I was pregnant by 28. I'm not saying at times the first born was always easy, it wasn't with sleep etc. But I loved it and still think my DC 16 and 12 years on are the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I love their company and I think you have to think about the older years, the adult years as the baby years are not very long, even the childhood years aren't very long. Do you want adult children in your life when you are older.

also, @IndecisiveLemon we had football season tickets that we had to give up (affordability of money and time) and used to go to a lot (several in a week on occasion) gigs and weekends away etc.

We were married 13 years before DC1 arrived. We're still together and that one is closer to 30 than 20 now

If it's not a solid 100% yes it's a no

When women come on this board to say their DH doesn’t want kids they are always told the person who does not want kids gets to make the decision. This is because having children is hard, hard work - and can destroy happy marriages.

You should NEVER have a child because your DH or partner (of whatever sex) wants one - you have to be 200% about it - more than him because your body takes all the knocks - as does your life. My DC are 18, 16 and 10 - and I am still involved in the daily life of the 18 year old while the 16 year old has additional needs.

how would you cope with a child with special needs?

These are all factors to consider - and honestly, looking at the rate of SEN in all of my children’s schools plus the mental health catastrophes in the lives of the teenagers I know, I would urge you please, do not take it on unless you feel your life would not be worth living without DC.

I just wanted you to see the other side - and this is from a couple where both of us were 100% yes!!!

I didn't want but dh got broody in our mid 30s. After much discussion I agreed to try for a fixed period of six months and much to my surprise, discovered I was pregnant 6 weeks later when I threw up on the way to work.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my children but having them cost me a lot and whilst I ultimately agreed to try, I was very resentful at the fact that dh has lost absolutely nothing whereas I had months of vomiting and migraines in pregnancy, 2 emergency csections, postpartum psychosis, pnd and lost my career (quit on the advice of multiple medical professionals including my psychiatrist) just because he wanted a baby.

On balance though, if I could go back to May 2014...knowing what I know now I'd still go through it again so make of that what you will.

Don't have any children you aren't absolutely sure you want and can raise, effectively, alone. Men can walk away. Women find that less easy.

I didn't say one would be worse, I said they would both be disastrous.

Which is worse would depend on the individuals concerned.

It does sound as though he would be supportive, but perhaps not clued up about the reality? The going to the park stuff sounds fun but the reality is having to get them out of the house in any weather before it's totally trashed or they have yet another tantrum!

I was desperate to have a baby, it really kicked in and it took several years to conceive DD. DH was happy of it happened, but happy if not. We'd already agreed we wouldn't do fertility treatment. What I didn't reckon on was not feeling particularly maternal - I didn't have that instant love at the birth, it took months to bond (because breastfeeding caused so many problems), I hated being on maternity leave and was bored out of my mind. So you won't know which way it'll go - I have friends who thought they weren't very kid-friendly who have been overwhelmed by how they feel and desperate to spend more time with their kids. Whereas I use annual leave to have child-free days!

I don't regret having DD. I love her and she's wonderful. But I don't want to spend all my time with her. Fortunately I've carried on working which has given me the stimulation I missed on maternity leave.

A lot also depends on your family set up. We have zero family support and really struggled with things like covering dental appts because there was no one to have the baby/toddler for 10-30 mins during an appointment. People who had hands on grandparents around simply didn't need to think about things like this. We've also never had a night off together in 7 years as there's no one to have her overnight. We've both had separate nights away though!

Paid childcare is a massive help and we are fortunate to have been able to afford it. A lot depends on what your baby/child is like. DD slept through by 8 weeks so we've never had to deal with the sleep deprivation described by some, and she's very healthy/robust so has had fewer than five days in total off school/nursery in six years. It could be a very different picture if you have a premature baby or disabled child.

From my personal perspective you still have time to wait and see. At 29 i was single and loving life in London. Children were a firm NO, didn't even really like them! At 30 i met my now husband and despite him being and remaining the love of my life, i was still a firm NO to kids - much to his surprise and disappointment. However, 3 years later, I just changed in so many ways and really wanted a baby. We had our first aged 34 and our 2nd straight after at 35. They are totally amazing and bring so much joy (now aged 7 and 8). I didn't consider myself particularly maternal, but motherhood has suited me down to the ground (and i still have a 'big' job, am the higher earner and work 4 days a week). I obviously don't know you or how you will feel, but i do know you still have a few years to decide.

At 29, you are still young enough to give it some more time. My husband and I were in the same situation with him wanting children and me sitting on the fence/leaning more towards no.

I did change my mind in the end and now I'm 35 and DS will be 4 months next week. He is wonderful but I still think I could've had a great childfree life too.

Like some pp's above said, I thought about my life when I'm 60 and I realised that it did have children in it and I was more thinking about how unappealing having a baby sounded when they aren't babies for long.

I'm still not a fan of babies on the whole. I love my baby but it is tedious and I went back to work when he was 12 weeks because I was losing my mind which is something I had planned when I was pregnant because no matter how many people told me I'd want to be a SAHM or have an endless maternity leave, I knew it wouldn't be for me.

Other things I feel have helped other than going back to work early and having a husband who more than pulls his weight - establishing a good routine, formula feeding and teaching him to self settle.

It's definitely something you shouldn't walk into blindly. Good for you for really giving it consideration. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide.

For my part, I would never recommend motherhood to any woman UNLESS she is absolutely 100% sure that it is what she wants to do.

I kind of agree with this. I see a lot of disparity in the experiences of those in my friendship group who really wanted to have kids and those who had them because they thought that was what you had to do. A lot of women do seem to regret having children, you can search old threads about it. I can't relate to that at all - my kids are the best thing about my life - and I can only imagine it's an awful feeling.

That said. I know 2 couples that have decided not to have kids. In both cases it has been driven by the woman (which is fair enough, she has more to lose). But the men are finding it really, really hard. In one case it's caused a tremendous strain on the marriage.

Also, just to clarify I have been honest with my husband about my feelings towards kids. He always knew I was on the fence and felt I could live happily childfree. He's been on the fence for years too, it's only been the last year or so his desire has become stronger. I haven't lied to him about my feelings and wouldn't.

Everyone who has every had kids is "used to" their currently life.

It does completely change your life but you shouldn't assume it is a negative change.

I used to really want kids and now I'm incredibly glad that it never happened.

In all honesty, I'm too selfish to have children. I like too much time alone, I don't have the patience for endless babbling, questions and having someone with me all the time. Even escaping to work wouldn't be enough for me.

My main worry (which may be irrational) was ending up having a child with severe disabilities that mean they can never be independent. It's all very well saying "they're not babies forever" but some children will never be independent - they'll never speak, eat, use the toilet or be able to be left on their own.

Personally it wasn't a risk I was willing to take.

I am coming up to 34 and feel exactly the same! I don't mind getting older in itself but it is troubling me knowing there is now a limited amount of time for which I can keep parking the decision for another year. When I thought about this 2 years ago I assumed I'd feel ready (or not) by 34 and the decision would be made for me one. I wish I could guarantee I'd conceive at 38/39 so I could forget about it and revisit it then. It's so tricky for women.

I was on the fence, and had one as I was sure the worry about regretting not doing so would outweigh the doubts about having one. I found the first few years so so tough. Many times thought I wish I hadn't done this. I now feel like the person I am now would have been ok with being child free. I have grown up and moved past fomo and comparing myself to friends etc. However, I love ds with all my heart and as he gets older it is becoming lovely and I like the look of our future with him in our life. Not having a second out of choice. Would err towards him not having dc if I had it my way!
So I guess I'm saying on the fence people can end up happy, but you just don't know how you'll feel. I didn't turn into a -omg I was made to be a mother person, and I don't regret it (most of the time). The loss of freedom and weight of responsibility is heavy. I do struggle. But I love him and he makes.me laugh and now I look back at baby videos and feel so grateful for him. You can see my feelings vacillate all the time! I couldn't have done it without a true and equal partner in my DH and I couldn't cope with more than one.
Good luck with your decision. You do seem to be starting from a good place, good relationship and you clearly want to think it through properly. You can only go with what you feel you're tipping mostly towards, hope for the best and prep as much as you can!

I was on the fence about having children a few years ago as well. Our life was amazing - going to fancy restaurants, travelling to lovely destinations, having our freedom, the lot. Our careers were in a great place. I loved having so much time with my DH and doing our own thing, I was so worried a child will change our family dynamics. This wasn’t helped by the incessant complaining from parents we knew about how difficult and horrible having children is. I was absolutely baffled - why do people even have children if it’s so horrible? You spend their baby years (apparently) constantly tired, and when they grow up you miss them being small - it felt like you can never win with having children. I spent so much of my pregnancy worried about exactly how horrible it will be.

Fast forward to now and I can’t be grateful enough to past me for taking the plunge and having our DC. It’s really difficult to describe why children are “worth it” as it’s such a big and emotional subject. To say he gives meaning to our lives would be an understatement. What used to be a very fun-filled and enjoyable life has turned into 100x more enjoyable. We used to have to go to a new restaurant, or visit a new gallery, musical etc in order to feel like we’ve accomplished something and that we are enjoying our lives. Now, just being at home with DC and literally looking at him whilst he’s playing with his toys makes our days. Doing anything else on top of that is just extra fun.

I guess in a way it’s like describing whether having a partner is worth it. If you have a partner that you love and cherish, and if they respect and love you back, trying to explain to somebody why you’d rather have them than not would be very difficult.

As for the difficult bits of parenting - as a person I am very bad at “suffering”. Basically if I don’t enjoy my life for a reason, I try to do something and change it. Because of this, I have been very hands on with DCs routines, reading about teaching kids good sleeping/eating habits, good behaviour. I’m far from being a perfect parent or anything, but I try my best and can see the results.

@IndecisiveLemon There's loads of brilliant points from everyone here - but something I haven't seen mentioned much is just HOW different it is. I mean, you prepare for a big change. But I think one of the most common questions I get asked is whether you can easily work from home with a baby, and I asked that too... and it's hopelessly naive, really. It was fine when he was 6 weeks old. At 6 months it was getting more challenging. At 15months, I want to be with them - either because he's laughing and I want to know what at, or because he's crying and I want to stop him crying, or because my DH is frustrated and I want to help.

My DH is now pretty much a SAHD. He's a natural at it, unexpectedly so. Their bond is amazing. He does nappies and games and food in a way I could just never have imagined. We didn't plan it like this; but he was made redundant, and nursery fees are crazy; so it works for now and he does some freelance stuff. DH has always been great around the house so he does a lot of that stuff, a strong 90% of the housework/cooking/laundry etc too. But working when they're around is tough, so I spend more on a co-working space now, or being out at coffee shops. I am the main worker and he is the main carer; and even 15 months in, people find that odd. I am questioned on it a lot. I constantly feel there isn't enough time to do well at work and be a good mum. There are a lot of mum meets and things I can't do, as I'm working - DH has gone to some, and some are a bit more "women only", but he's always been happy finding his own way anyway. It's just... it's not as easy as it just being a trade of who does the bulk of childcare, as much as I wish that it was. Even if you can sort work and life so that it works the other way, society finds it odd, in my experience, and I've found it difficult to keep coming across that. To be constantly questioned on it.

We'll have another one because I do love DS, massively, and I don't want him to be an only child. It's insane how much his giggle means the world. But he has impacted on my career; and a second will too. He's a lovely, easy baby who adores the pub and makes friends everywhere he goes; he doesn't cry much, we lucked out on a lot of fronts - but it's still very different to pre-baby. I don't know if I was as ready as I thought I was.

If you're on the fence, I'd lean towards waiting, at 29.

It's really hard to advice because honestly; it's brilliant and somehow also incredibly destructive, even with every effort to make him not...

I actually feel the same. We had IVF which didn’t work and I’m mow quite relieved it didn’t. I had a very rose tinted view of motherhood.

This.

Women are frequently encouraged to have children and told how amazing motherhood is, when the reality is that your life will change beyond all recognition for at least 20 years.

Speak for yourself. This may be the reality for some women, it certainly wasn't for me.

My kids are adults now, but I never once felt I lost myself or my individuality. Of course your life changes when you have kids, but your life is going to change no matter what you do. Motherhood is not doom and gloom for all women.

No it isn’t all doom and gloom for all women but it is for some women. And for many others it’s meh. Everyone’s opinion is equally valid of how motherhood is/was for them. And it’s great that the OP is asking for all opinions because if she just heard one narrative, she may end up not making the right decision for her.