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Original poster

married, dithering and stuck due to £££ and own flaws

84 replies

Terrifiedbut · 29/03/2023 02:33

Debated long and hard whether to post on here. Married for 22 years with two Dc (one in year 11 and other at uni). Am a long-term SAHM (haven’t worked for 19 years). Am 55. Am a recluse effectively - undiagnosed ASD (have never been comfortable socially and unable/unwilling to make friends) - but happy in my own skin and a dedicated mum with a great relationship with DC.

if we split up our financial situation will be dire - we will both end up with 1 or 2 bed flats so can’t house both our DC. I will have to get a job (terrifying as recluse with no experience or degree).

As I say, we tolerate each other. Argue quite a bit but mostly ok, although he can be very cruel (but true) as he belittles me for not having friends. Not happy (although my DC make me so happy and I’d do anything for them) but not that unhappy so, as I don’t have friends to bounce this off, what do you think? Please be kind as posting here is proper scary.

OP posts:

Lovingmynewbicycle · 29/03/2023 02:42

Your children are all but grown up.

What's your plan for the remainder of your life

Original poster

Terrifiedbut · 29/03/2023 02:45

I don’t have a plan. Living from day to day. I know that’s not good enough hence my post

OP posts:

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/03/2023 02:50

Is he willing to financially support you indefinitely?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

Zuyi · 29/03/2023 02:52

You could start addressing the other issues you mentioned. Maybe get some training, do some volunteer work? You could think about starting an online business? Just to get yourself warmed up for a job.

This friendship issue. Is it unwilling, or unable? You sound nice in your post. There are all kinds of friendship levels. Friendships don't need to be all that intense or deep. Just say hello, check in now and then.

Original poster

Terrifiedbut · 29/03/2023 02:54

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/03/2023 02:50

Is he willing to financially support you indefinitely?

seeing as I don’t go out, socialise, go on holiday and have been wearing same clothes for years, well yes. He only works one day a week anyway (semi-retired)

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 29/03/2023 02:54

Husband and I tolerate each other. Have slept separately for 5 years. Haven’t had sex in last 8 years but sex life never been great - we were friends first and foremost and (from my POV) had sex only coz I wanted kids. Never had sex more than once a month in early years anyway).
That is very very sad. Does he know this?
I feel very sorry for him, as if it's as told here, you really are just using him as a cash cow

Original poster

Terrifiedbut · 29/03/2023 02:57

@MichelleScarn that is utterly hurtful and a huge stretch. I floated idea of divorce as I knew neither of us were happy. He observed that we would be financially decimated and DC would suffer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Terrifiedbut · 29/03/2023 02:59

@MichelleScarn my plea to be kind clearly meant nowt to you. Good night

OP posts:

Molly70 · 29/03/2023 02:59

I think that you need to start taking some small steps to get back out into the world. Perhaps start volunteering one day a week at a charity shop and take an exercise class once a week. You might start to enjoy it after a while. Fake it until you make it to start with. Gradually you can start thinking of getting some sort of employment. It sounds like you need to do something for you. Perhaps in a few years you can move into a 2 bed flat which will allow your dc to come and visit. Your current set up doesn’t seem to be a situation that you will be happy with long term. Good luck

Original poster

Terrifiedbut · 29/03/2023 03:02

@Molly70 thank you as that is a good idea. Will be daunting but my SIL suggested similar - a couple of shifts volunteering to get me out of the house. I haven’t acted on it but will now investigate

OP posts:

Molly70 · 29/03/2023 03:07

It’s always daunting do something new but often we surprise ourselves and start to enjoy it once we learn the ropes. Just having a bit of chit chat with a customer might also brighten your day.

Original poster

Terrifiedbut · 29/03/2023 03:09

Bless you @Molly70 .thank you for your encouragement, night x

OP posts:

SadSandwich · 29/03/2023 03:19

Are you still up OP? If you are then would you mind me asking what you would like for the rest of your life once the kids start moving in? So is it:

A great sex life
To work on having a great partnership to your existing partner without sex
Stay the same because you’ve actually been quite happy for the past 19-yrs
Do you want to make friends
Do you want a hobby

As your kids are getting older and need you less - the question is what do you want now?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2023 03:29

There is a point where you aren't a SAHM you're just unemployed. And at that point, if you are as financially precarious as you are, you have two choices. Well, three with your current choice,

You either slowly get back into work with education, training, volunteer work, part-time work or whatever. Or you explore disability benefits. At 55 that's probably not realistic.

Do you enjoy anything that could be a job? You could start very small. With a very small amount of volunteer work.

Staying with someone is all very well. But only because you can't afford to leave is quite another.

Motnight · 29/03/2023 03:34

Terrifiedbut · 29/03/2023 02:59

@MichelleScarn my plea to be kind clearly meant nowt to you. Good night

op, @MMichelleScarn hasn't been unkind to you. She has just come at this from your husband's angle.

Good luck.

1AngelicFruitCake · 29/03/2023 04:04

Sorry to be morbid OP but what would happen if your husband dies or needs care? How does you being so reclusive affect your children? What happens if they meet someone and you had to welcome them into your home, socialise etc? All things to hopefully think about and help motivate you to change your situation.

BurNishLeathEr · 29/03/2023 04:34

In your shoes op I think I would perhaps try and do some courses in tech - Excell and others - then you could work from home maybe as a virtual assistant for someone or data inputting or something? A little money would give you independence.

Then as others have said, go and join a choir or go to a yoga class or how about a craft class or something creative? Or gardening?

And you could try and get referred to see a licensed psychologist for some advice; it's not too late to get diagnosed? Or they could support and help you work out what you want to do?

If you don't go out much then it probably wouldn't be wise to leave your DH until you are more independent.

In terms of your sexual relationship; listen to a few podcasts by Esther Perel. She talks about libido being more about how we feel inside ourselves rather than about the other person. So if you feel happy, fulfilled, powerful in yourself, then you are more likely to want sex. I know your lack of libido might be down to ASD though so maybe a therapist could help you with that?

For the moment op I think you could talk to your DH some more and try and very gradually take a few steps in each area of your life each week: children, relationship, mh, friends job/money, exercise, creativity.
Maybe give it three months and reassess?

Good luck!

ChildcareIsBroken · 29/03/2023 05:56

There's lots of free online courses or even better funded skills bootcamps with an interview at the end. Would that interest you?
Sending you hugs.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 06:02

Have a look at your options and take a few small steps towards volunteering or online work; maybe something online only would suit you for a while. Think about what you want the next 20-30 years to look like for you then start working towards it

Ttwinkletoes · 29/03/2023 06:23

You tolerate each other. Surely you could make an effort to perhaps go out for walks together or investigate interesting churches/ exhibitions/ theatres in the area once a week or something so you have something to talk about.
How do you find things to argue about!
I wouldn't like to assume he is always there to fund you.
What did you do when you did work?
what subjects were you interested in in school?
Do you have a flare for anything?

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/03/2023 06:36

Do you want the status quo to continue? Anything else will require you to take a leap of faith in yourself, and try. If he isn’t willing to divorce then you can make things better for yourself but you’ll have to get out of your comfort zone and upskill yourself. Surely you deserve to be happy.

Fernorfoe · 29/03/2023 07:03

You say you and your DH were friends. What kind of things did you enjoy doing together before having your dc?

Would you pursue a diagnosis of ASD? Would it be helpful to understand yourself better and meet supportive people?

Does your DH resent you? You say he makes cruel comments. What does he do with his spare time?

It's not unusual for children to reach an age where they're independent and mothers start thinking 'what now?' even when they have jobs friends and hobbies. It is a time of transition after decades of being intensely needed and often/sometimes putting one's own needs and wants aside. Perhaps tapping in to some empty nester books/podcasts could help you figure out what would make you happy and fulfilled. It's not fair on your dc either to become reliant on them.

Volunteering sounds like a great first step.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 29/03/2023 07:10

The problem with things like social anxiety is that the more you give in to it the worse it gets, but the good news is that the more you push yourself into the world, the easier it's gets.

I think you do need to take steps to start to join the workforce, even if it's something small like volunteering to start with, there are jobs out there that don't require a lot of social interaction, but you can't rely on your dh to support you indefinitely, especially when, in reality, you'd not have stayed together. It isn't fair on either of you.

Macaroni46 · 29/03/2023 07:15

This doesn't sound like a very fulfilling set up for either you or your DH, or your DC tbh.
I understand that your ASD makes socialising difficult but to live such an isolated life is not healthy and as your DC grow up and become more independent, what then?
You're basically living off your DH who you 'tolerate'. That's not fair on either of you and puts you in a very vulnerable position financially. Possibly he resents having to provide for you as essentially you're not a SAHM with the DC the age they are, you're unemployed. The way you and DH are living is also a poor example to your DC of what a relationship looks like.
I think you need to dig deep and at least do some volunteering with a view to getting part time employment. You're only 55. Are you going to spend the next 30 years in isolation dependent financially on a man you don't really like. What if he finds someone with whom he can have a fulfilling relationship? Sounds like you used him as both a sperm and money bank so he may well be feeling resentful.
You say be kind but the truth is, you've got into a rut. Dig deep and push your boundaries. Your DC will flourish with a mother who has her own identity and who is fulfilled.

PicaK · 29/03/2023 07:56

I'd wait a few more months until your year 11 child finishes their GCSEs before doing anything to disturb the status quo.
Then start small. Volunteering etc.

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