married, dithering and stuck due to £££ and own flaws

[Terrifiedbut]

Debated long and hard whether to post on here. Married for 22 years with two Dc (one in year 11 and other at uni). Am a long-term SAHM (haven’t worked for 19 years). Am 55. Am a recluse effectively - undiagnosed ASD (have never been comfortable socially and unable/unwilling to make friends) - but happy in my own skin and a dedicated mum with a great relationship with DC.

Husband and I tolerate each other. Have slept separately for 5 years. Haven’t had sex in last 8 years but sex life never been great - we were friends first and foremost and (from my POV) had sex only coz I wanted kids. Never had sex more than once a month in early years anyway).

if we split up our financial situation will be dire - we will both end up with 1 or 2 bed flats so can’t house both our DC. I will have to get a job (terrifying as recluse with no experience or degree).

As I say, we tolerate each other. Argue quite a bit but mostly ok, although he can be very cruel (but true) as he belittles me for not having friends. Not happy (although my DC make me so happy and I’d do anything for them) but not that unhappy so, as I don’t have friends to bounce this off, what do you think? Please be kind as posting here is proper scary.

A couple of hours a week while the child is at school isn't going make the slightest bit of difference to their GCSEs

PPs have made good points and suggestions.

You can't assume your husband will be up for continuing the status quo, especially once your youngest is 18.

Start prepping now. Your hobbies don't have to be hugely sociable.

Do you want your life to be different? Are you happy?

I think you need to stop focusing on all that is bad in your life being to do with your husband. It's time to really think about your highly unusual lifestyle and do you want to stay the same until you die? Your children are almost independent now and might move to the other side of the country, or even live abroad. You're nearly done with that active parenting part of your life.

What would you do if your husband decided he'd like to divorce?

I volunteer in a charity shop and you are just the sort of person we'd LOVE to have in our shop. Yes it's a way of easing yourself back into the world but it's also a good place to make friends and contribute to wider society.

My only word of advice would be to choose the shop carefully. Most of our weekday volunteers are 45+ and most of the weekend volunteers are students. So pop into a few places and see what the volunteers are like, look for people like you. We're so pressed for help and volunteers at the moment that you will be welcomed with open arms and you can choose exactly what you want to commit to. One morning/afternoon a week (4 hours) is ideal as a starting point.

I think you should look into getting your own diagnosis for autism. I know not a lot of help is available but there is some for example workplaces will often give accommodations, and it will give you some clarity.

Forget your husband, your marriage, sex, employment, money....
How have you allowed a self diagnosis of ASD to keep you from leaving the house for 55 years? I am not trying to be unkind. But I can imagine your DH is completely fed up and finds it hard to respect you.
Repeating " I am a recluse" over and over is a self fulfilling prophecy. You don't have to be.

I think that you need to get to the bottom of why you are the way you are. Perhaps therapy and then seek to get an actual diagnosis so you know what you are dealing with.

I think put your husband aside for this as what is driving you are your kids and your love for them. You say you would do anything for them but you have spent their entire childhoods and now adulthood with poor mental health and in isolation which with a bit of help could have been unavoidable. That cannnot be healthy for them. I am sure they worry about you, and they would have had to go without many of the happy moments other kids had with their parents. If you are lucky you will one day have grandchildren, please don't put them through this too. It is time for your life to start now.

^ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
Is he willing to financially support you indefinitely?

seeing as I don’t go out, socialise, go on holiday and have been wearing same clothes for years, well yes. He only works one day a week anyway (semi-retired)^

I don't understand your reply to this as it's about your needs and not his feelings.

I think the reply shows that the OP doesn't really understand what living costs are and that she takes it for granted that her DH will pay the bills, food, mortgage/rent etc

Could I recommend garden centre as a useful place to work. If you can have a plant tending rather than customer facing role to start with it's a useful way to ease into work - friend of mine with similar issues started back at work at a garden centre, and is now thriving .

It’s also important for ageing brain health to do something each day that puts you just a little bit out of your comfort zone.
Staying in becomes a habit and before you know it you’re stuck. It’s worth giving new things a go but don’t over think it. Some will work, some won’t.
Start by making a list of things that interest you, however small, and go from there.

Also talk to your husband, if you’re both happy with the status quo of your relationship then it’s ok. If one or both of you want change then you need to figure out what that looks like.

He may be willing to do this given he is semi-retired. I would be very unhappy with a spouse who never went out or had any interests outside DC though. The whole point of retiring is to travel with your spouse and enjoy time together, now your child rearing years are done.

Totally and once your eldest has left home he'll pull the plug on the whole thing so I'd start looking for a job, PDQ.

I totally agree with this. Poor man.

You need to take responsibility for being an adult and let him live his life, rather than just using him for his half of the assets.

I would make some small steps this year to help you be less house bound and give you more confidence.

You could volunteer for the National Trust either in the garden or in the house. They are short shifts but regular which will really help you get used to it. You can also ask for a reference later on.

I would go to the hairdressers and shopping for clothes.

I would take note of the bills and the outgoings in the house. Make sure you have your own savings and current account.

Check the status of your future state pension. You might find you can top up a few years at the moment and working part time in the future could help you get the full amount.

Subscribe to Indeed and keep an eye on part time jobs in your area. You never know something might catch your eye. Remember it takes a few goes and some practice to get a job so it doesn't hurt to have a few practice interviews. Update your CV with the volunteering.

I have been where you are and I found people were really willing to help with getting back into society. The trick is to take it slow but not stop or go back to being isolated if you try something that doesn't work. I did a maths course during the day, one morning a week, then I got a job two days a week. I was also called up for jury service which was really scary but i think was more help than I expected and I realised I could do more than I thought I could.

How do you actually pay for things and support 2 kids if you don't work at all and he works one day a week ? Is your mortgage paid off ? Do you claim benefits?

I would definitely suggest volunteering as others have said. In a low key customer service role (charity shop, garden centre idea sounds great) you may well find it satisfies your social needs. I've generally found I'm happy with the small talk from work interactions and don't have massive social needs.
I am a lot more social and outgoing, but now I'm working from home, it's the superficial aspect of hello, how are you, nice weather etc that I miss. It just makes you feel more connected to people. And practice really helps, you'll gradually become more sociable and find it easier too.
No idea about marriage, money etc but just do the volunteering as a possible route to work and as something for you.

If you are in UK you will need 35 years of National Insurance contributions to receive a full state pension, this is per person

If you claimed child benefit in your name, this will cover some of this

Check here

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

With your age DC, a 2-bed flat sounds fine, so I wouldn’t let that put you off. But first I think you need some tiny steps forward to get out and about. Can you go to a class, maybe one which doesn’t involve too much interaction like yoga, but you are getting out.

You say you would do anything for your kids well do it for them - sounds like you have made them your life in the absence of a career and marriage - imagine the pressure they will feel when they leave. To see you getting out there and living your best life will be a gift to them.

That sort if comment comes up on MN regularly.
It treats men as children unable to take a decision by themselves. Not good enough imo.

Men can And do take decisions by themselves. If they never had sex more than once a month, it’s not as if he didn’t know in the first place. For all you know, this is a guy with low libido anyway.
And more importantly, if he is still there despite the not great atmosphere, there will be reasons. HIS reasons.
Let him chose and trust that as a fully competent adult, he is able to make a choice on his own. Incl Wo his dwife deciding fir him if separating would work best for him.

@Terrifiedbut at any point your DH could meet someone else and leave you. You'd be up shit creek.

It's time for you to join the real world. SAHM when your DC are teenagers? Unless one has medical needs that require you to be on hand all day, you have been taking advantage of your DH. He is supporting you staying at home, hiding in your own wee bubble. That isn't fair. This creates resentment and emotional distance in time.

If you contact the local job centre they have training courses and programmes that will help you get into a part time job. You need to think about your pension and making sure that you have a pot to support yourself if DH does leave or just because you owe it to yourself to get back out there.

Your DC are growing up and on the verge of leaving the nest. You will find life is lonely and empty once that happens so getting back into work now will give you focus, build your confidence and hopefully you'll make some new friends or find new interests?

Good luck, OP. It is really scary putting yourself back out there but you'll be better for it in the end.

@Terrifiedbut I think you have two issues that you are conflating.
one is your marriage and one is your life. You can concentrate on one and let the other fir later.

And the area I would concentrate on is your life, you as a person.
You say you are (undiagnosed) autistic. Would it help to get a diagnosis? Do you think it would help you understand why some stuff is harder for you and fir you to find away to have a more fulfilling life than you have atm.

I feel you need more clarity on your own struggles and what you are good at.
No point trying to go out volunteering if you can’t stand spending time with people or have communication difficulties. This would probable make things worse.
So start with what you enjoy. Yes your dcs. But after that, what makes you curious, excited, wanting more of?