married, dithering and stuck due to £££ and own flaws

[Terrifiedbut]

Debated long and hard whether to post on here. Married for 22 years with two Dc (one in year 11 and other at uni). Am a long-term SAHM (haven’t worked for 19 years). Am 55. Am a recluse effectively - undiagnosed ASD (have never been comfortable socially and unable/unwilling to make friends) - but happy in my own skin and a dedicated mum with a great relationship with DC.

Husband and I tolerate each other. Have slept separately for 5 years. Haven’t had sex in last 8 years but sex life never been great - we were friends first and foremost and (from my POV) had sex only coz I wanted kids. Never had sex more than once a month in early years anyway).

if we split up our financial situation will be dire - we will both end up with 1 or 2 bed flats so can’t house both our DC. I will have to get a job (terrifying as recluse with no experience or degree).

As I say, we tolerate each other. Argue quite a bit but mostly ok, although he can be very cruel (but true) as he belittles me for not having friends. Not happy (although my DC make me so happy and I’d do anything for them) but not that unhappy so, as I don’t have friends to bounce this off, what do you think? Please be kind as posting here is proper scary.

@FartSock5000 you seem to have fir gotten about the autism and that what you are proposing might be good fir an NT person. But not for someone with autism.

OP does not have a diagnosis of autism.

Your DC will leave home & have their own lives. You need to build a life for yourself. Your post is very sad as it sounds like a very depressing way to live. It isn’t fair on your DH either & it may be healthier emotionally to split & get your own job & flat, even if this sounds daunting.

What an honest post

You have plenty of options if you're unhappy. Wouldn't you rather a one bed flat where you're content though rather than living like this. Some things to consider doing, in no particular order. I think you should work to make yourself independent so you have more choices and confidence.

A hobby - what are you interested in?

Exercise - same

Work - you could look at something initially working from home.

Lack current qualifications? you could look up what is needed and study online.

Join a meet up app for something like a shared interest or walking group.

And speak to your husband. It isn't fair on either of you.

It could be an idea to explore e.g. PIP and go for a diagnosis? It would be nice having a bit of your own money coming in.

OP Benenden health is good and cheap if you struggle with the NHS giving a diagnosis

I feel for you and understand because there are some similarities with my own situation. You are not alone

I think that things do change with a long marriage. I'm unsure of the other PPs have been married for twenty years plus. Of course libidos and hormones change from your 20s and 30s into your 40s and 50s.

And then of course you have the menopause and possible diagnosis thrown into the occasion.

I actually think there is more than sex to think of especially as you get older and being on the same wavelength in terms of wanting / needing sex is the important thing.

Being friends as well as partners is great especially in such a long term relationship.

And yes once we know each other so well and have lived together for years then yes sometimes things can be said which seem hurtful.

It could be that your husband was commenting about friends as he thinks that might be a plan and might make you happy, underneath.

PIP info on the CAB website, after pension age it is possible to claim Attendance allowance (having helped my dad it was easier to claim than PIP)

Of course there is more to a marriage than sex. I have been married 26 years.

But the OP doesn't seem to have any interest in anything but her children.

I would do something small to get out of the house once a week, it doesn't have to be anything to big or daunting but push yourself just a little out of your comfort zone.

This doesn't have to be the rest of your life.

I understand you OP.
I am 50 and am pretty certain I have undiagnosed ADHD. I am in a slightly different position to you in that Dh and I get along quite well although we do have a huge amount of stress in our lives right now and with that and my perimenopause our sex life is non existent.
I was a SAHM mum for 13 years and they are now 15 and 17 but I only work 10 hours a week as I too just prefer being at home, I don’t socialise well at all, it stresses me out (hard for people to understand if they are not built that way).
I am a PA for a disabled person, I am basically just a driver. I driver her to her day centre and then pick her up again at the end of the day, I do this twice a week. It means that for half of the journeys it’s just me and the radio which suits me well. I have thought about trying for a driving/delivery job with more hours. I know it doesn’t pay a fortune but we have to get jobs which suit our personalities, no good being permanently overwhelmed because we are trying to conform to what others see as ‘normal’ like working in an office. I have done that and would come him every day absolutely mentally exhausted.
There is no need for your DH to be so cruel and highlight that fact you currently have no friends, loving partners don’t say thinks like that.
I hope you get to a good place, it’s not fun suffering in silence, I know.

The OP says she is undiagnosed autistic.
Like many many women, let alone women over 50yo.

Are you saying you don’t believe her?

How does one know if one is autistic without a diagnosis? She could be. Or not. I could be diabetic; it runs in my family. Or not. But you can't use a probable diagnosis to never leave the house.

Any person is entitled to be unhappy with a spouse who didn't do anything at all when DC are grown and never left the house. I am not even talking about earning money or sex.

MN is full of cases like these and it is not normal. It's hikakamori in adults. (If I have got the right term). If a 21 year old did this he would be told to move out.

Anyway will leave the thread before I am accused of bullying.

I have a friend who is divorcing and they don’t have much in the way of assets.

She has moved out into a tiny flat she rents at the moment and just hopes to be able to afford to buy a little studio flat. She is yet to find out about his work pension which she will be entitled to 50%.

She has a part-time job, but the hours are irregular.

I am also divorcing and I am a recluse like you. However I have been forcing myself to go out, and I have been reaching out to old friends. It is working out well.

Your first step should be to see a solicitor, they often give a free first consultation.

Other people may be able to advise whether you would be entitled to Universal credit.

I agree with other posters,you may be able to tolerate him now, and live day to day, but that won’t work forever.

I thought I could endure, I lasted 10 years in your situation, I’m now 64 and it’s not too late for me.

What would be so terrible about you and DH each ending up with a 2-bed flat? trust me, downsizing to a smaller home can suit older people to the ground; cheaper, less maintenance, lower bills, more lock up and leave security when you go away to visit your childrens homes.

Your DC have quite a big age gap and in just a few short years, their adult lives lifestyles, locations, and available time to visit parents will diverge so frankly, you won't see both together all that often. You only need one guest room ( for DC and their future partner). On rare occasions you all get together, park one in an airbnb or hotel to sleep.

I think you really need to start taking steps to get into work.

You say your husband has indicated that he wouldn't want to divorce for practical reasons but that could easily change. When a life triggering event occurs such as he fully retires or kids leave home, he may start to reevaluate the situation. He may end up meeting someone else he is compatible with and wants to pursue a new relationship.

At the moment you are in a very vulnerable position and need to get yourself more independent. Don't use a self diagnosis of ASD as an excuse, call it what it is, anxiety, then start to tackle it while you have the financial support there to do it.

BansheeofInisherin
OP does not have a diagnosis of autism.

The OP says she is undiagnosed autistic.
Like many many women, let alone women over 50yo.

Are you saying you don’t believe her?

OP only suspects she might be ASD. I think we can believe she suspects. The reclusiveness doesn't mean she has ASD.

I'd advise a trip to the GP in the first instance as it sounds like anxiety and depression might be at play.

As for getting work at your age; you may not have been earning but you have spent decades honing a wide range of transferable and very saleable skills. and experience. Efficient, brilliant at multi-tasking, time management and wide social skills. Get a volunteer job, and you'll soon find out just how rare and valuable your skillset is. IME voluntary work is an easy pathway to paid work offers from your "employers".

Not sure that OP does have those skills tbh. Wide social skills? She doesn't go out. Efficient? Time management? Multi-tasking? How does being at home with teenage children equate to those skills? Can't be much multi-tasking needed with only one teenage DC at home. I should've thought a working parent displayed those skills rather than a lingering SAHM.

You say you love your children but stop and think about the burden you may be putting on them as you age.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about her mother who is becoming an increasing worry. She had a job but one she had little interest in, had no friends or interest outside her children or marriage.

Now since my friends parent's have retired her mum is increasingly anxious and needy. Her dad has his own hobbies and her mum lives vicariously through her children abd expects them to fill the gaps in her life, but as she will not travel anywhere or do anything without her husband so always insists they visit.

My friend is very worried about what will happen if her father goes first (her parents are in their early seventies).

Don't end up being that person.

Unfortunately OP you have allowed your life to completely stall.
You have diagnosed yourself with a condition that you may or may not have and clung to it, allowing yourself the space in your head to become reclusive.
You are now financially reliant on a man that is possibly only tolerating you.....I think once your youngest establishes their own life you might find your husband is not so keen to waste his retirement funding your reclusive lifestyle.
If I were you I would be preparing for my husband to leave once the youngest does.

Exactly that. If your children are nearly grown up, you don't work and your husband only works one day a week - what do you all do with your lives?

It seems like such a waste.

@MyriadOfTravels you may have misinterpreted my response here, my query was did the dh know that op was only having sex with him in order that she would get pregnant, not because she cared for him.

As said before, I think a diagnosis would be very helpful. Unfortunately, she isn’t going to get it from the NHS. They don’t even want to diagnose children, bar the most serious cases, anymore. Too many cases apparently 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Id be careful though to simply ASSUME its anxiety. Being a recluse would not be surprising with someone with autism. But more to the point, there is no way you can diagnose anxiety (or assume urs anxiety and she just needs to go and see her GP) over the internet from a couple if posts.

And more to the point, I’m very uncomfortable about anyone not believing the OP or that she has properly looked at the question, by saying ‘she ONLY suspects’.
If the OP can’t pay fur a private assessment (that might not give her anything more than a piece if paper confirming what she already knows), what is she supposed to do? Live as if she had no issue at all and didn’t have autism? Act as if she had all those social chills she doesn’t have?
Is that not setting her up to fail?

undiagnosed ASD (have never been comfortable socially and unable/unwilling to make friends)

That is self-diagnosed ASD, which doesn't sound like ASD at all as the condition is much more complex than that.