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Original poster

My child hits me

78 replies

Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:06

My 5 yo DD is generally a very easy going child. She makes friends easily, she is kind to everyone, well behaved at school, she never ever hit anyone except me and her dad.

She has these emotional outbursts for absolutely no reason, particularly when we have a playdate or at a playground when we meet her friends and other mums. It's as if she likes being mean to me in front of other people, doesn’t do it much at all when there is no one around. She cries, hits and occasionally spits. I think the other mums are horrified and quite frankly I avoid going on playdates now. Some don't ask us for playdates anymore.

For example she wants to climb a difficult climbing frame, she'll ask for help, if I come near her she'll start screaming don't help me! I say ok..but then she can't do it and she asks for help again, if I try to touch her she'll scream and then cry and hit me.

Or if she hurts herself and starts crying I naturally go to her and ask her what's the matter, she pushes me, hits me and screams at me to go back!

I'm so embarrassed and just don't know what to do. I do tell her off of course but I don't want to make a scene in front of these other mums.

Tonight I feel really down as she behaved badly again in front of 2 mums and I don't think I want to meet them again.

I feel particularly down as I've spent the last 5 years staying at home, being there with her, giving her the most amazing adventures (I come from a verbally and physically abusive family with patents mostly absent) and I wanted her to not grow up the way I did and I do wonder where I went wrong as I don't see other kids behaving quite so badly in public or being quite so mean to their parents.

This week she is not allowed any tablet or TV (which are limited anyway).

Can anyone relate to this? Any words of advice?

OP posts:
GymNewbie · 27/03/2023 23:12

When ds did this. I let it slide the first time and when home explained next time we would leave whatever we were doing.

A few weeks later at a soft play he hit me. I got his shoes coat etc took him by his hand and said to him to say goodbye to his friends. He screamed the entire journey home.
When home i said do you remember what I told you? He said yes if i hit you we come home.
I said and what did you do? He shyly said hit you.
I said to therefore that's the consequence. You understood what i told you.

It also happened at a play date many weeks later. Again i took him home

All my mum friends all understood.

I always follow through with my ' threats'

Even now as a strapping teen.

Original poster
Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:15

GymNewbie · 27/03/2023 23:12

When ds did this. I let it slide the first time and when home explained next time we would leave whatever we were doing.

A few weeks later at a soft play he hit me. I got his shoes coat etc took him by his hand and said to him to say goodbye to his friends. He screamed the entire journey home.
When home i said do you remember what I told you? He said yes if i hit you we come home.
I said and what did you do? He shyly said hit you.
I said to therefore that's the consequence. You understood what i told you.

It also happened at a play date many weeks later. Again i took him home

All my mum friends all understood.

I always follow through with my ' threats'

Even now as a strapping teen.

That's what I'd like to do, but if I try to get her out of the playground she'd throw herself to the ground and scream...it would not be easy.

I really don't understand why she is doing all these theatrics in public, she's mostly fine at home or with people we know, I'm really shocked sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:20

@GymNewbie did you ever suspect any SEN? I do wo der if DD is masking a lot and then releases in certain circumstances.

OP posts:

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HotPenguin · 27/03/2023 23:27

Both my kids have had stages of hitting me, the second one was particularly bad. Bear in mind she is probably doing it because she feels safe with you and/or she wants your attention. Have you considered whether she might have any special needs eg autism?

My youngest is growing out of it now but generally used to hit me if he felt angry or frustrated. Now that he's older he tends to blame me verbally "this is all your fault mummy", even when it's nothing to do with me!!

It's really tough, the only advice I can give is to avoid situations that you know trigger the behaviour and try to help her by narrating what's going on eg oh you are feeling really frustrated, you really want to climb up there by yourself. Also have a few stock phrases to use with other parents like "DD is having a hard time dealing with her feelings"

iminvestednow · 27/03/2023 23:27

It’s really interesting to hear, I have a severe SEN child, then a completely ’regular’ child, then her. She is amazing at school but at home can be so violent towards me and gets hysterical over the smallest things. I can’t see her as SEN (through my massive experience of it but keep thinking this can’t be normal) same as you, it’s only towards me, but at the same time only wants me to make it better!

HotPenguin · 27/03/2023 23:32

I think it's worth exploring the SEN, if you have another child with severe SEN then you might not notice more subtle differences if your youngest has mild/moderate SEN?

I had the health visitor come out to see mine, I was honestly so shocked when she said my DS behaviour was too severe for her to advise on. I think I had got used to it and was just expecting to be fobbed off with a leaflet!!

HotPenguin · 27/03/2023 23:34

Being ok in school and awful at home is also a possible indicator of autism by the way.

neitherofthem · 27/03/2023 23:34

How do you react when she hits you? What do you say to her, and what do you do immediately afterwards?

dodobookends · 27/03/2023 23:39

If I try to get her out of the playground she'd throw herself to the ground and scream...

Let her do that then. Stand well back (ideally sitting on a nice bench in the sunshine some yards away) and let her get on with it, for as long as it takes. She won't lie on the ground screaming for ever, she'll have to stop eventually. Then you frogmarch her home.

Original poster
Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:40

@neitherofthem

When she hits me I say please do not hit me! I'm trying to help. Then I leave her alone.

Today on the way home, after we left the other mums I got down to her level I told her how disappointed I was, that this is unacceptable and there will be consequences (like not allowed to use the tablet). I asked her to say sorry, she refused. But then she cried a lot and begged for the tablet, which of course wasn't given to her. She then accepted it and was happy again as if nothing ever happened.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 27/03/2023 23:40

Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:15

That's what I'd like to do, but if I try to get her out of the playground she'd throw herself to the ground and scream...it would not be easy.

I really don't understand why she is doing all these theatrics in public, she's mostly fine at home or with people we know, I'm really shocked sometimes.

Show quote history

It’s worth exploring SEN for sure.

But that’s no reason not to take her home when she is violent -

Don’t let embarrassment stop you from giving her some limits.

Original poster
Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:42

dodobookends · 27/03/2023 23:39

If I try to get her out of the playground she'd throw herself to the ground and scream...

Let her do that then. Stand well back (ideally sitting on a nice bench in the sunshine some yards away) and let her get on with it, for as long as it takes. She won't lie on the ground screaming for ever, she'll have to stop eventually. Then you frogmarch her home.

I just don't want that kind of behaviour in front of the other mums. The kids we meet are very sweet and polite, I can't bear the thought of her being like that.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 27/03/2023 23:44

I would have left the play date the instant she hit or spit or shouted at you. It’s totally unacceptable behaviour. Either she is being naughty and disrespectful because she has learned she is allowed, in which case she should be removed so she doesn’t have an audience. Or, she cannot cope with being on playdates, in which case she should be removed for her own comfort and safety until coping strategies are in place. So next time I’d say on the way in ‘if you smack or are rude or mean, we will leave immediately and go straight home with no treats etc.’ And then actually do it. It sounds like you’re so scared of her making a scene that you’ve become a doormat to her.

As parents I think people often accept unacceptable treatment. Nobody in a family should EVER be hurt or spit on or treated poorly. Of course with small kids who are learning it might happen, but it should be treated as the utterly unacceptable behaviour that it is, with all energy expended into stamping it out.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2023 23:45

And for the record of course it’s possible she may have some undiagnosed SEN. But that wouldn’t be an excuse for this behaviour, just a possible explanation, and it would still need to be addressed so she learns it is not acceptable.

Boomboom22 · 27/03/2023 23:47

Allowing her to hit you is worse than leaving with her screaming. The other mums will wonder why you don't take control and make her leave. At 5 just carry her if necessary.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2023 23:48

For example she wants to climb a difficult climbing frame, she'll ask for help, if I come near her she'll start screaming don't help me! I say ok..but then she can't do it and she asks for help again, if I try to touch her she'll scream and then cry and hit me.

Also, with this… why are you meekly running back and forth to be screamed at? The very first time she asks for help then screams just walk away, and if she asks again say ‘no, you just screamed that you don’t want my help. If you’re going to cry and tantrum get off the equipment and do that on the floor over

neitherofthem · 27/03/2023 23:49

When she hits me I say please do not hit me! I'm trying to help. I think that perhaps you are being way too passive. You need to tell her off, not ask her to stop. You're the boss, so be one, and don't let your own embarrassment at the situation stop you.

You need to say something loudly and firmly like "NO NO NO!!! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!! YOU NUST NEVER HIT MUMMY!!!". Shout if you like. If children are doing something naughty, then it does them absolutely no harm at all to be shouted at.

Then you walk off and leave her to it. She needs immediate consequences, and that consequence is the telling-off.

Original poster
Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:49

@Kanaloa I agree with everything you said. I do feel like I've become a doormat, it honestly started less than a year ago, she used to be such a lovely, easy going child.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 27/03/2023 23:53

😢

It’s very difficult. But you do not want to end up being a doormat for a child’s violent/aggressive tendencies. I had a hard time with my son who is autistic. But being a doormat to him would not have helped. The only thing that helped was a totally harsh attitude where the minute he misbehaved we immediately left soft play/play date/park/swimming. Even if we’d paid for two hours. No ‘oh one more chance’ or ‘please don’t.’ Just ‘okay, you’ve hit or shouted at me, we are leaving.’

Think of it as doing your family a favour. You are not a punching bag. Your child cannot learn appropriate emotional responses if you allow them to develop a habit of abusing you whenever they are frustrated or annoyed.

LoveQuinnOhDearyMe · 28/03/2023 00:00

It could be SEN. It could be behavioural. Behaving in one place but testing the boundaries on you is a sign that you are her safe person to test it on. The misbehaviour in front of others could be a sign of being completely overwhelmed due to an additional need….or it could just be pure showing off, pushing boundaries, getting a reaction, testing you behavioural phase.

As a teacher who has been hit multiple times by a child who has been cleared of SEN and sadly just went through a very extreme behavioural emotional time…..I’m saying please don’t be embarrassed. From what I witness, other parents are actually mostly very sympathetic to parents in your situation and most admirable when you truly stand your ground.

Before diving into assessments and SEN, myself and the parents had to come up with the absolute firmest of rules and clear consequences and procedure for carrying this out. Like your DD, this child would ask for help, then smack me. Did the same to her parents. Hit us when angry. Kicked too. Sometimes was emotional, sometimes was laughing, full on tantrum on the floor when the consequence arrived.

Wherever you go, clear rule. If she’s cross, she needs to tell you. Being upset is fine. Being cross is fine. Hitting is not. One hit, you leave the park / party / play date immediately. No second chances. Be firm and consistent. Yes she may throw herself to the floor, but as her parent you can pick her up. Scoop her up, she hits again, next step consequences (no tablet, no club she likes, no tv show or whatever). Consequences need to be consistent and immediate. And each day is a new day. Lots of praise for the right choices. Sticker charts etc. Reminders of how well she did when she does the right thing.

I know you can’t bear the thought of her being like that but the truth is she needs tough love, It may run deeper but she needs to learn that violence is not how to react to her emotions.

I hated seeing the child in my class bawling her eyes out after receiving a consequence….but I had to remind myself - she’s hitting me at 5. When does this stop? A 5 year olds hits can hurt, they’ll hurt more when she’s 6,7,8,10….12? It’s like when people brush of children being “cheeky” and answering back….when does it stop being cute? It’s a lesson that needs to be learnt now.

Original poster
Hernaneislola · 28/03/2023 00:01

Kanaloa · 27/03/2023 23:53

😢

It’s very difficult. But you do not want to end up being a doormat for a child’s violent/aggressive tendencies. I had a hard time with my son who is autistic. But being a doormat to him would not have helped. The only thing that helped was a totally harsh attitude where the minute he misbehaved we immediately left soft play/play date/park/swimming. Even if we’d paid for two hours. No ‘oh one more chance’ or ‘please don’t.’ Just ‘okay, you’ve hit or shouted at me, we are leaving.’

Think of it as doing your family a favour. You are not a punching bag. Your child cannot learn appropriate emotional responses if you allow them to develop a habit of abusing you whenever they are frustrated or annoyed.

I totally understand where you are coming from and sorry you had a hard time too.

The thing is these outbursts used to be quite rare at first so we thought maybe she just had a bad day or was very tired. But it's clear now she thinks this is acceptable behaviour. Sometimes before we go out we establish some ground rules and it works (ish), but then sometimes I forget and quite frankly I shouldn't have to remind her to behave kindly towards her parents every single time we go out.

I'm just so upset with her tonight I can't even sleep 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
Hernaneislola · 28/03/2023 00:05

@LoveQuinnOhDearyMe Thank you so much for your advice, that's very helpful!

OP posts:
neitherofthem · 28/03/2023 00:06

I'm sorry you feel so awful.

I can't help wondering whether she only does this when there's an audience because she knows (possibly even subconsciously) that you can't deal with it then and there because of everyone watching, and that you are embarrassed by it. So she gets away with it.

It doesn't matter if she gets upset when you tell her off. It doesn't matter if she has a monster tantrum and throws herself on the ground screaming. She has to learn that the behaviour is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Original poster
Hernaneislola · 28/03/2023 00:10

@neitherofthem

I can't help wondering whether she only does this when there's an audience because she knows (possibly even subconsciously) that you can't deal with it then and there because of everyone watching, and that you are embarrassed by it. So she gets away with it

That's exactly what DH thinks is happening.

OP posts:
Tarantellah · 28/03/2023 00:17

I was perfectly behaved at school but angry and violent at home. I have autism. Girls often present like that, you should check out the possibility.