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Original poster

My child hits me

78 replies

Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:06

My 5 yo DD is generally a very easy going child. She makes friends easily, she is kind to everyone, well behaved at school, she never ever hit anyone except me and her dad.

She has these emotional outbursts for absolutely no reason, particularly when we have a playdate or at a playground when we meet her friends and other mums. It's as if she likes being mean to me in front of other people, doesn’t do it much at all when there is no one around. She cries, hits and occasionally spits. I think the other mums are horrified and quite frankly I avoid going on playdates now. Some don't ask us for playdates anymore.

For example she wants to climb a difficult climbing frame, she'll ask for help, if I come near her she'll start screaming don't help me! I say ok..but then she can't do it and she asks for help again, if I try to touch her she'll scream and then cry and hit me.

Or if she hurts herself and starts crying I naturally go to her and ask her what's the matter, she pushes me, hits me and screams at me to go back!

I'm so embarrassed and just don't know what to do. I do tell her off of course but I don't want to make a scene in front of these other mums.

Tonight I feel really down as she behaved badly again in front of 2 mums and I don't think I want to meet them again.

I feel particularly down as I've spent the last 5 years staying at home, being there with her, giving her the most amazing adventures (I come from a verbally and physically abusive family with patents mostly absent) and I wanted her to not grow up the way I did and I do wonder where I went wrong as I don't see other kids behaving quite so badly in public or being quite so mean to their parents.

This week she is not allowed any tablet or TV (which are limited anyway).

Can anyone relate to this? Any words of advice?

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/03/2023 00:18

It is more embarrassing to have the other parents watching you be ineffective versus frogmarching/fireman hold your DC home after a tantrum.

All children will behave badly at some point. It is the way the parents deal with the behaviour that I judge.

Avarua2 · 28/03/2023 00:22

I don't want to make a scene in front of these other mums

It's time to make a scene in front of the other mums. Don't be a pushover. She hits, you warn that you will take her straight home, she does it again, then straight home. Ignore all cries, tanties, screams. You have to mean business. Swift.

They learn really fast that you mean what you say. Your her parent; this is what you have to do. TBH by five its almost too late. You set boundaries like this age 3 - 4 usually.

Avarua2 · 28/03/2023 00:24

This week she is not allowed any tablet or TV (which are limited anyway).

Completely ineffective as a punishment to a five year old. It has to be immediate, directly relating consequence to cause (you hit = you go home; you complain about food = food gets taken away; you forget to say thank you = mum holds on to the thing until you do; you whine = mum says "I can't understand you when you whine, tell me again in a normal voice).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families
Avarua2 · 28/03/2023 00:26

Even SEN kids understand cause = consequence. Even if she did have SEN, she'd still need to learn the basics of societal interaction. And hitting mum is a basic.

ladydimitrescu · 28/03/2023 00:35

My DS does this, mostly when he falls over or injures himself, he will lash out and meltdown at me or DH. DS is 6 and currently being assessed by SENCO, and is very likely autistic. Of course this isn't necessarily the case with your DD, but if there are any other indicators it may be worth a chat.

Azandme · 28/03/2023 00:51

Hernaneislola · 28/03/2023 00:01

I totally understand where you are coming from and sorry you had a hard time too.

The thing is these outbursts used to be quite rare at first so we thought maybe she just had a bad day or was very tired. But it's clear now she thinks this is acceptable behaviour. Sometimes before we go out we establish some ground rules and it works (ish), but then sometimes I forget and quite frankly I shouldn't have to remind her to behave kindly towards her parents every single time we go out.

I'm just so upset with her tonight I can't even sleep 😫

Show quote history

They used to be rare...until she learnt they worked and gave her control.

She thinks it's acceptable because by not enforcing strong, immediate consequences you've taught her you'll accept it!

The consequence of that is that you now DO "need to remind her to behave kindly to her parent every single time" - because you've allowed her to get away with it so far.

You seem to be very apathetic when it comes to parenting her through this phase - letting her hit you and walking away, saying you can't remove her because she'll tantrum. So what if she does? It's your JOB to teach her.

"I'm so upset with her tonight I can't even sleep."

You're upset at the wrong person. She's five. You should be upset with yourself for allowing this behaviour to develop instead of firmly showing her it isn't acceptable.

The thought of any adult being screamed at by a FIVE YEAR OLD and just walking away, to be called back and screamed at again is utterly unthinkable! I wouldn't be judging your child's behaviour, I'd be judging your lack of appropriate, effective parenting.

AnyaMarx · 28/03/2023 01:18

GymNewbie · 27/03/2023 23:12

When ds did this. I let it slide the first time and when home explained next time we would leave whatever we were doing.

A few weeks later at a soft play he hit me. I got his shoes coat etc took him by his hand and said to him to say goodbye to his friends. He screamed the entire journey home.
When home i said do you remember what I told you? He said yes if i hit you we come home.
I said and what did you do? He shyly said hit you.
I said to therefore that's the consequence. You understood what i told you.

It also happened at a play date many weeks later. Again i took him home

All my mum friends all understood.

I always follow through with my ' threats'

Even now as a strapping teen.

Absolutely spot on .

And you f she throws herself to the ground ?

She's 5 . You pick her up and carry her to the car / house/ bus

You do nothing and you're setting a precedent.

I have 2 adult kids one with Sen and one without and this was the way I dealt with it regardless.

It doesn't matter if they have sen - they have to grow up
And function in the real world . Where people don't put up with this .

JanglyBeads · 28/03/2023 01:59

OP it must be really hard to work out how to deal with some of the challenges of parenting if you weren't parented properly.

Have you ever had any kind of therapy for the neglect you experienced when young?

SinnerBoy · 28/03/2023 02:24

My daughter started hitting and biting when she was two and a half. If I scooped her up, she'd try to bite; my sister advised me to pinch her earlobe, which worked after a few tries.

I tried reasoning with her, I asked "Do I hit you? No, why are you hitting me? It hurts!"

I'd also explain that there would be no telly - I had to put the remote out of reach, also, taking her favourite teddy away. I once told her it was in the big bin... She behaved for ages after that (aged five).

She's still bloody minded and has tantrums at almost ten.

I think that you have to explain that you mean business and stick to your guns. There were a few occasions when I dragged her home, even if she threw herself down on the pavement.

It only took a couple of slow steps like that.

I wish you well!

2bazookas · 28/03/2023 02:46

*That's what I'd like to do, but if I try to get her out of the playground she'd throw herself to the ground and scream...it would not be easy.

I really don't understand why she is doing all these theatrics in public,*

She's sussed out she can get away with it, because you're too embarrassed to control her.
Yes, it is hard dragging a screaming struggling 5 yr old home/to the car but just so it anyway. Stay on the grass so even if she won't walk, just keep hauling her along won't skin her knees.

Do it now, because you will NOT be able to physically drag a teenage show-off prima donna.

SinnerBoy · 28/03/2023 02:55

Mine used to lie flat on her back.

Wallywobbles · 28/03/2023 03:23

The thing is if you don't deal with this now because it would be hard imagine at 10 how hard it will be.

At 5 you are still stronger and can physically pick her up and remove her. Soon that won't be an option.

Jadviga · 28/03/2023 03:36

Agree with pp. She needs immediate and consistent responses.

If she hits you, take her home at once. Let her tantrum, that's fine. If you are home and she hits you, time out. If she isn't able to be with other people without hitting them then she shouldn't be with other people.

With my sons, once they calm down I always sit down with them and ask if they understand why they were punished. If necessary I explain again. Then I ask them to apologize - they can't leave time out without apologizing for their behaviour. Then I hug them and tell them I always love them regardless of behaviour, but they can't be allowed to do (whatever it was they did).

I rarely have to do this - the mere threat is usually enough.

MrsRickAstley · 28/03/2023 03:53

No words of wisdom only solidarity.

I echo seeing through consequences & especially at 5. You need to nip that shit in the bud while you can.

itsgettingweird · 28/03/2023 04:20

All great advice here.

I'd also engage the other mums as allies.

Be open and honest with them. Ask them to support you when ds behaves like this.

Say you want to take her home immediately she starts the behaviour but know she'll drop to the floor and enjoy the captive audience. Ask that they walk away with you, help you scoop her up etc.

When my ds was small we had contact with lots of families with kids of all personalities! me and the other mums just tag teamed each other and backed each other up.

No one judged a parents who's child behaved badly - kids go through phases. Only ever judged those who wouldn't attempt to deal with it.

But alongside the zero tolerance for being screamed and hit at you need to work with her on recognising emotions and responding appropriately to them. Have a look at zones of regulation.

sjxoxo · 28/03/2023 04:29

Kanaloa · 27/03/2023 23:44

I would have left the play date the instant she hit or spit or shouted at you. It’s totally unacceptable behaviour. Either she is being naughty and disrespectful because she has learned she is allowed, in which case she should be removed so she doesn’t have an audience. Or, she cannot cope with being on playdates, in which case she should be removed for her own comfort and safety until coping strategies are in place. So next time I’d say on the way in ‘if you smack or are rude or mean, we will leave immediately and go straight home with no treats etc.’ And then actually do it. It sounds like you’re so scared of her making a scene that you’ve become a doormat to her.

As parents I think people often accept unacceptable treatment. Nobody in a family should EVER be hurt or spit on or treated poorly. Of course with small kids who are learning it might happen, but it should be treated as the utterly unacceptable behaviour that it is, with all energy expended into stamping it out.

This is good advice. Forget the other mums! Who cares what they think- their kids will be terrors aswell at other times. Your boundaries with your DD are way more important than what the other mums think. Xxx

sjxoxo · 28/03/2023 04:31

JanglyBeads · 28/03/2023 01:59

OP it must be really hard to work out how to deal with some of the challenges of parenting if you weren't parented properly.

Have you ever had any kind of therapy for the neglect you experienced when young?

I think this is one of the most patronising posts I’ve ever seen on mn

Happyhappyday · 28/03/2023 04:47

She is desperately trying to find where the boundary is and you need to show her by immediately taking her home. My DC will behave like this when very tired or when overwhelmed by people. We definitely do the screaming child exit. I would fireman carry her if I had to. The asking for help and then saying no is something we get. I will usually say, I am available for cuddles and to help calm children and then sit quietly until she comes to me. Mine needs to do it on her terms, and she can have a yell, but she won’t get attention until she’s calm. She usually doesn’t want a cuddle when she’s hurt, unless it’s a big one. I think mine is embarrased or annoyed at herself and mine definitely wants to be able to master things right away.

Autienotnautie · 28/03/2023 05:03

That's tough. At that age punishments need to be immediate. I'd warn in advance, if this happens we will leave. Then if it does I'd get your things grab and go. Be prepared have your stuff ready so it's a easy exit.

Also I'd maybe lay off play dates for a bit it sounds like it's too much for her. But maybe do soft play or park alone and see j hiw she is. At least if she plays up it's happening in front of strangers. You need to get a thicker skin yespeople will judge because they are arses, ignore them and stay in control. I wouldn't shout as to me shouting represents a lack of control. I'd be calm clear and concise. Read up on high needs kids, there's some helpful strategies. Also speak to school senco, they may observe her see if there's any concerns and again may have some advice.

QueenBee1234 · 28/03/2023 06:15

If I was the other mum I would be more embarrassed for you because you couldn't pick up a five year old having a paddy on the floor.
If another adult started screaming and hitting you would you stand there saying 'please don't hit me'? It's amazing how quickly they grow and become adult sized individuals, stop being so passive and get her behaviour under control now before she actually hurts you.
I think your husband has hit the nail on the head, she knows she's embarrassing you in front of the other mums and she knows you are paralysed by it.....suck it up and parent her when she does it and I'm sure her histrionics will soon lose their appeal.

EnGarde · 28/03/2023 06:42

I suspect the other parents are distancing themselves not because of your daughter's behaviour but because of your not dealing with it.

Some kids go through the tantrum stage at 2, some when they're older.

I, personally would have left when she hit me. Direct consequences : bad behaviour in the park = we leave and go home. The other parents won't think badly of you for dealing with her bad behaviour.

PinkSyCo · 28/03/2023 06:50

Hernaneislola · 27/03/2023 23:20

@GymNewbie did you ever suspect any SEN? I do wo der if DD is masking a lot and then releases in certain circumstances.

Surely if she was masking she’d behave nicely in public and let it all out at home? I think she plays up more in public because she knows that she can embarrass you into submission when there’s an audience. Time for you to stop worrying about what other people think and take-dragging and screaming if needs be- her home as soon as she raises a hand to you.

Weedoormatnomore · 28/03/2023 07:00

To be honest I would think worse of you as a parent for allowing your child to hit you as I would think you are happy to accept that behaviour. Whereas if I saw you picking up and carrying a screaming child to the car I would feel sympathy as most parents have done that at some point.

usernamechanged1 · 28/03/2023 07:17

GymNewbie · 27/03/2023 23:12

When ds did this. I let it slide the first time and when home explained next time we would leave whatever we were doing.

A few weeks later at a soft play he hit me. I got his shoes coat etc took him by his hand and said to him to say goodbye to his friends. He screamed the entire journey home.
When home i said do you remember what I told you? He said yes if i hit you we come home.
I said and what did you do? He shyly said hit you.
I said to therefore that's the consequence. You understood what i told you.

It also happened at a play date many weeks later. Again i took him home

All my mum friends all understood.

I always follow through with my ' threats'

Even now as a strapping teen.

Love this approach. My DS is a year old but what you describe is exactly my plan on how to deal with things in the future.

Did you find it to be effective?

JanglyBeads · 28/03/2023 09:04

@sjxoxo I absolutely wasn't meaning to patronise and apologies to @usernamechanged1 if my post came over as that.

I was trying to make connections and allude to the fact that "I wouldn't stand for that!" type posts are not always very helpful to posters who - like many if not al of us - maybe struggling with issues due to how they were parented.