My child hits me

[Hernaneislola]

My 5 yo DD is generally a very easy going child. She makes friends easily, she is kind to everyone, well behaved at school, she never ever hit anyone except me and her dad.

She has these emotional outbursts for absolutely no reason, particularly when we have a playdate or at a playground when we meet her friends and other mums. It's as if she likes being mean to me in front of other people, doesn’t do it much at all when there is no one around. She cries, hits and occasionally spits. I think the other mums are horrified and quite frankly I avoid going on playdates now. Some don't ask us for playdates anymore.

For example she wants to climb a difficult climbing frame, she'll ask for help, if I come near her she'll start screaming don't help me! I say ok..but then she can't do it and she asks for help again, if I try to touch her she'll scream and then cry and hit me.

Or if she hurts herself and starts crying I naturally go to her and ask her what's the matter, she pushes me, hits me and screams at me to go back!

I'm so embarrassed and just don't know what to do. I do tell her off of course but I don't want to make a scene in front of these other mums.

Tonight I feel really down as she behaved badly again in front of 2 mums and I don't think I want to meet them again.

I feel particularly down as I've spent the last 5 years staying at home, being there with her, giving her the most amazing adventures (I come from a verbally and physically abusive family with patents mostly absent) and I wanted her to not grow up the way I did and I do wonder where I went wrong as I don't see other kids behaving quite so badly in public or being quite so mean to their parents.

This week she is not allowed any tablet or TV (which are limited anyway).

Can anyone relate to this? Any words of advice?

• may be

OP look up emotional dysregulation. You need to avoid triggers, keep very calm during the episode and discuss later when the child is calm.

My son is slowly improving now he’s 7 so there is hope.

Is she in reception? They’re all getting pretty tired I think.

rather than something moral that you need to be ashamed about, think of it as a symptom. What is it about these situations that trigger her? Is she finding the situation emotionally overwhelming. Of course you need to hold the boundary and make it clear you will not accept hitting. But also understand what’s behind it from a brain development point of view so you can avoid triggers or teach her to react in a more appropriate way

I know people are saying Sen but this doesn't sound like it. She is choosing her moments to do this. She is also choosing her words and actions when she knows she has the attention of others to carry out these mean streaks. You really need to be much, much firmer and stop with the please and softness. Her behaviour is really awful and you won't be able to do much in a few years time. My dn was similar to this, sil took for numerous assessments and he had a lot of support. He was truly awful like this- easy enough to assume some SEN. He's now a lovely teen who has no issues at all, he just seemed to like being the boss which sil and bil had to go very firm on him.

Thank you everyone for your advice, very helpful!

@Wnikat She is in Reception and indeed it really got out of hand when she started school. I'm not quite sure what's going on, but I think she finds the teacher very harsh (she's always been well behaved at school/nursery) and the whole class very disruptive. She is doing very well academically though and has friends at school.

For those saying I should have done something about her behaviour when she was 3 or 4, well...she was an absolute delight at that age, the most easy going child of all the children we met at that time. She's almost 5.5 now and this really started when she was approaching 5.

Thank you, I'll look that up! I'm glad you had some success with your DC.

@JanglyBeads I grew up with a very severe mother who would get hysterical about the tiniest thing and we would be beaten up and screamed at very often. I feared my mother until very recently. This was in a different country where this kind of parenting was common.

I struggled with boundaries, self esteem, depression of course and I promised myself that I'd not put my DD through that.

So yes, maybe you've got a point but like I wrote above we didn't quite need firm boundaries or rules as she used to be so sweet and easy going.

OP i think you need to let your child go and stop suffocating her, sounds like the poor child is so frustrated. You say yourself that you have spent 5 years being everything to her, let her have space. She may have autism, who knows but even if she has that is not a free pass, stop the hitting and spitting now. You need to stop being the idea of the "perfect" mother you have in your head and start laying down the law.

Honestly f you can adapt your parenting style you will find life so much easier. We don’t punish in the moment we explain the consequences and then follow through later.

For example trashing the house. He would throw everything everywhere in a fit of rage. Right at the beginning I would be apocalyptic with anger myself. The audacity of breaking and throwing things!!! Then I realised this was just petrol on his fire. I learned that the best reaction was complete calmness. Not easy when you’re being hit and it hurts but as much as I could manage I stayed calm.

I also wouldn’t demand he went into a time out as again it would cause a firestorm. Super nanny tactics just wouldn’t have worked for him. I refuse to manhandle my child into any place and risk the potential of putting a bruise on him. That’s an absolute no.

Finally this behaviour often goes hand in hand with anxiety. He used to say stock phrases like ‘I’m scared’ when he was the only one acting scary. He still occasionally says it and he definitely has a fear of being alone. He also absolutely hates it if I’m not in the right mood to cope with a pair of trousers being kicked in my face and I throw them across the room. I can’t act like he acts. He needs me to be calm.

Ive found researching this subject really interesting and he is slowly morphing into a reasonable person with good coping skills. I shudder to think what might have happened to a child with a similar personality in days gone past. I think the likelihood of him being hit as punishment would have been high and I’m sure he would have been incredibly damaged as a person because if it. So it’s so, so important you set boundaries but primarily parent with a huge amount of love and understanding.

Thank you for your advice.

That sounds really hard! I'm glad a balanced approach is working and I hope he will continue to improve.

He acts completely normal at school. So we knew it was unlikely to be ADHD or Autism. He kicks off in a safe space basically with adults he trusts. Children with ADHD can’t turn that on and off. Autism children can definitely mask
and then dissolve at home.

I agree with calm - shouting not required - but steely firm and consistent. If you haven't remembered to discuss expectations/consequences beforehand then I would give a chance to right behaviour though, 'if you hit/scream at me again we will be leaving immediately'. Pick her up and carry her out or wait for the meltdown to end and then take her out if needed. She can't cope with her frustration which is understandable BUT she needs to learn that she can't take it out on you. When she is calm at home you can talk through how she could have handled it differently - what could she do to avoid becoming so frustrated next time? This might be really, really obvious to you, but really might not be to her, especially in the moment.

An a parent of an autistic child you do need to be a super parent IMO - always stay calm, clear and consistent, always giving warnings about any transitions, have a routine and keep it in place as much as possible, make expectations clear before hand and explain why they are important, always be on the watch out for situations that might over whelm them, too loud, too many people, too bright, too difficult. Also snacks available when out if they start lagging, healthy eating (as much as poss) and lots of sleep. Lots of time spent teaching them all the social rules through playing games - like taking turns, being ok with losing etc and reading lots of picture books to her that will help teach her social skills.

I'd avoid punishing her as much as possible though. Time out at home is not great at the best of times IMO as it tends to mean you are left somewhere alone (which as a pp said can cause a lot of anxiety especially if you have ASD), taking away ipad time etc too often and after the event with no warning tends to make them either resentful or to not care. If you give her lots of attention then that attention can just be removed when she is not behaving - don't listen to nonsense that you are suffocating her - she's 5 years old and possibly autistic, to thrive she will need your support a lot.

Keep working on it OP, the better parent you are the better child you will enable her to be, you'll make mistakes of course but keep learning and you'll work it out together. DS with ASD is 17 now and I couldn't be prouder of him.

Yes ds would lay on the ground headbutt etc but it's nothing most other parents haven't seen.
In the nicest way, try not to worry what others think.
They could be sat there thinking ' wow shes letting her dd do that? Id drag her kicking and screaming home' or ' oh poor op must be hard but shes doing the right thing'
Or even ' sod this im not letting my dc play with that dc after that behaviour' and that's what you don't want.

I have a dc similar age and all their peers parents are saying the same since starting school.

And yes she probably does it in front of others knowing mummy won't do any thing or have empty threats.

Honestly it takes a few times sticking to your guns and she'll learn

My eldest (DSS who I have met at 14mo and raised from 2.5yo - no contact with birth mother) was like this and mainly with me, very very rarely my husband although his was always indoors and never infront of people. From 3-7, I had numerous black eyes, a split lip, and bruises. It was horrific. I questioned if it was because he saw me as the wicked stepmother, if he hated me, what I had done so wrong when I treated him totally as my own.

I tried everything. I had always suspected he was autistic from the day I met him for many reasons. The thing that helped most was a parenting course that was designed for parents of autistic children and children with ADHD. Honestly, it gave me all the strategies to be able to parent the way he understands (and also works well with my neurotypical child too) just small little things.

I am not saying that your child has SEN but for us it was true. He didn't know how to regulate his emotions. He didn't know how to show it. One of the psychologists that seen us said it was always me he attacked as he trusted that I would stick around no matter what and he was secure in our relationship so he felt he could behave in whatever way he wanted to me (which was a small blessing in light of everything).

Thankfully, it literally stopped overnight. Him and his brother have the odd fight, but I am sure as all brothers do. He is now 12 and so gentle and caring as he has learnt strategies to help regulate his emotions and express himself appropriately.

@00deed1988 Oh I'm so glad it sorted itself out eventually.

It's not quite so horrific with DD thankfully but I am getting to that point where I think if we don't do something about it it will escalate.

@Hernaneislola

You say it's started since she began Reception, do you think she may have learned it from her classmates?

That is a possibility. They do have a few very loud and disruptive kids in the class. I understand that these kids are given additional support now so the things should have calmed down a bit though.

She's not doing this "to" you or "because of" you. She's 5! She's doing this because she finds it hard to cope in certain situations.

Get a copy of The Explosive Child and learn about lagging skills.

In the meantime cut down on these situations she is not managing.

First thing that came to my mind is she like my child and on her way to being diagnosed with Autism / noticing ADHD traits too. Perfect child and very clever at school but only 1 teacher every noticed and she was SEN so noticed things that other teachers wouldn't notice. her sensory issues and behaviour have worsened as well but at least I know what I'm dealing with now

Can I ask you what other signs did your DD show? Did you ever suspected it yourself?

Did you ever suspect it? Sorry for my English ...

Can we please have a thread about bad child behaviour without it being ‘it must be SEN’?!

This is a child, who very normally is testing you when you are with others as she knows she can get away with more. So you have to remove her when she does this, tell her to say sorry and say she can only go back to children playing if she doesn’t do it. If she still kicks off then take her home but make sure she doesn’t get ‘rewarded’ with your attention.

The bit where you wrote she is kind to everyone and good at school sounds like she is masking already. Naughty kid's push boundaries everywhere not just to you and dad, you're her safe place. I noticed early on with Sensory issues Definitely but also the act in front of everyone but only as a pre teen it's really come out more. The emotional outbursts particularly in play dates it's all too familiar.

I've suspected yes and at times no As quite sociable and just thought naughty which I feel guilty about now but more I learned about girls/masking/ and traits it's like reading about my child.

Think you’ve maybe tagged the wrong person here? I’m not the OP. 🙂