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Original poster

Wedding dilemma

98 replies

Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 10:14

NC as it could be identifying if any of my guests are on here.

I am getting married this weekend.
Dhtb has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I have an 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The plan for our wedding is that our children will stay for the entire day up until later into the reception. My step mum has offered to watch the children in the hotel room (it’s upstairs so no journey needed) and get them settled for bed by 9pm (she doesn’t like parties so it’s ideal for her).

My step daughter has made a fuss that she doesn’t want to go to the room with my step mum (or anyone) and wants to stay with her dad for the entire reception. She is a clingy child in general and doesn’t like us being alone together, so I can already foresee how this will go if we don’t give her a choice she will have a temper tantrum my step mum won’t be able to cope with. Then Dhtb will give in and spend the evening with her, I won’t get a look in, she will want him to read her a story and lay in her bed all night then wake up throughout the night begging him to come back which he will. This has happened many times before as he’s too soft with her so she thinks she rules the roost.

Obviously she’s a child and it’s a big upheaval for her so I have sympathy that she wants attention and reassurance, but for our wedding day I think this needs to be nipped in the bud. I could be worrying over nothing but I was speaking to my mother in law this morning and she made a comment about my step daughter that filled me with dread and now all I can think about is how shit I will feel if our day/evening doesn’t go as planned. Yes the marriage is more important than the wedding but I don’t think it’s much to ask for my step daughter to allow us this time together for the night considering she’s old enough to understand. How do I approach this without causing offence?

OP posts:
typopro · 27/03/2023 10:17

Could she go home to her mum's after the wedding?

EL8888 · 27/03/2023 10:18

Tough shit. It is your wedding day! She shouldn’t be ruling the roost on a wedding day of all days. It isn’t all about her and l wouldn’t make it a debate

dietcokelime · 27/03/2023 10:19

typopro · 27/03/2023 10:17

Could she go home to her mum's after the wedding?

I'd suggest this too!

You don't want anyone upstairs making a fuss or spoiling the day, it's lovely of your step mum to offer to look after the DC at night but sounds like it would be better for your SD to go home and be able to unwind that way.

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Marblessolveeverything · 27/03/2023 10:28

Does she know your step mother? Has she been left over night with any family members before ? Because I think it would be very unfair after what could be an emotional/tiring/ day to have the first night in a strange place with essentially a stranger.

She is 8, he is her dad and I understand that in some families the norm for parents to stay with children - (it isn't in mine). If she has this already you can't suddenly change it on an important night - all hell will break loose and it won't look good to all of the guests either.

Come up with an alternative plan - for all of your sakes - you don't want your wedding being the night she remembers crying all night, her father upset and you annoyed.

Let the dust settle post wedding and have her father slowly address the issue, seemingly it is very common. But don't have this hanging over you. Wishing you and your family a happy wedding day.

maddy68 · 27/03/2023 10:29

I would explain to her mum that she is uncomfortable going to bed , would she prefer to pick her up?

Also if she does stay. Your DH needs to be firm with her that he has lots of people downstairs that need him to

EL8888 · 27/03/2023 10:31

As others have said maybe it’s best she goes to her mum’s if she isn’t going to settle and is going to be disruptive.

Baxdream · 27/03/2023 10:33

Could she have a friend come for the evening? My stepchildren were similar age when we married and they stayed all night, no issues. I think you are being unrealistic to expect her to go to bed when the wedding is still happening! Of course she wants to be there all night, you just need to make sure she is entertained

Snoken · 27/03/2023 10:44

For them to be in bed by 9pm seems a little early. Could you make the evening a bit more fun for them? That they can stay up later, or have a movie night together in the room or something? Do the two girls get along well? Otherwise it feels a bit strange and as if you find them being in the way or something. They can be there for the church bit, the photos, food but after that they have to go to bed. If they were younger I'd understand it but not at their ages.

Starlitestarbright · 27/03/2023 10:48

I think your being mean let the 2 girls enjoy the night together dancing. Is she allowed to bring a friend?

ohidoliketobe · 27/03/2023 10:50

9 is a bit early. Does she even know your step mum?

gooseduckchicken · 27/03/2023 10:52

9pm sounds very early to send the children to bed. Why can't they stay up and enjoy the dancing?

FlounderingFruitcake · 27/03/2023 10:54

Bed at 9pm is very early for a 10YO, especially when it’s a wedding so very much a one off. My 10YO niece stays up later than that as a matter of course at the weekend and I’ve seen 5YOs stay up later at weddings. And then being babysat by your stepmum’s stepmum is not great either if she doesn’t know her very well. I’d let both girls party until they drop and enjoy themselves, not send them to bed like toddlers.

helpfulperson · 27/03/2023 10:55

At that age surely they can just stay up to the end?

Pseudonamed · 27/03/2023 10:55

Send her home to her mother but if not feasible maybe ask her mother to come to the hotel and stay there with her. I would not let any kid dictate to me on my wedding day.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 27/03/2023 10:56

9pm seems hulluva early for 8 and 10 year olds…mine would have put,dated me at a wedding at that age!

Brefugee · 27/03/2023 10:57

delay the wedding until your SD can at least fake acceptance and behave herself.

Drifta · 27/03/2023 11:02

2 things spring to mind:

  • her dad should be central to sorting this out, not you.
  • Does she know your step mum very well? Has she spent time alone/had sleepovers with her before? If not it's a strange time to expect her to start. Maybe someone on her own side of the family could take her (even if she insists this won't work because the only possible solution is she stays with her dad).

It's not her wedding, she doesn't get to call the shots, but kids feeling safe and secure is really important. It is much, much easier for your daughter to go with your step mum than it is for your step daughter to go with her new stepmum's stepmum.

WitheredandOld · 27/03/2023 11:03

We are very strict on bedtimes and I’d also let them stay up longer. Word up a few relatives to be on hand to keep them eating and dancing. Also word up your fiancé that you expect him to be with you for the celebrations and afterwards!

bubbles2023 · 27/03/2023 11:03

9 is early to be going to bed when the parents wedding reception is happening. Will there be any other children still at the wedding?

Stravawindow · 27/03/2023 11:07

I appreciate you will have reasons but it's a wedding and I think the kids will last until the end. It's a big party. Why send them away and exclude them from it.

mycoffeecup · 27/03/2023 11:10

This has happened many times before as he’s too soft with her so she thinks she rules the roost.

It's late in the day, but if you're thinking of having kids together, do you really want to marry a Disney Dad who can't parent? Seriously, if you think he won't stand up to her on such an important occasion, is he the man to spend your life with?

Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 11:39

Thanks everyone.
she knows my step mum very well, we’re very close to her so she’s been around for both children most of their lives and she has stayed at her house before so she isn’t a stranger. The 9pm thing is so adults get adult time without tired children being difficult, she’s always had a 9pm bedtime at home so we thought by letting her stay up late she will be difficult the next day. Sadly her mum won’t take her after as it’s ‘our’ weekend. They’ll both be involved in the dancing, speeches, food etc but when everyone’s getting drunk I think it’s safer they’re in the hotel room winding down, plus I want child free time with my new husband for at least part of the day.

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 27/03/2023 11:52

Sorry op you don't get a child free time when you both have two dc. Your being awfully strict on an 8 and 10 year old and sending them to bed at 9 when there's a wedding. I had an 8 year old at my wedding he stayed till the end and dd slept in her pram .

35965a · 27/03/2023 11:56

When you have your children at your wedding you really don’t get child-free time. That’s just the way it is.

EspeciallyDedicated · 27/03/2023 12:05

Another who thinks you should let them stay up, its a special occasion, a one-off, if they start getting whingey then that's the time for them to go up with your step-mum.

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