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Original poster

Wedding dilemma

98 replies

Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 10:14

NC as it could be identifying if any of my guests are on here.

I am getting married this weekend.
Dhtb has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I have an 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The plan for our wedding is that our children will stay for the entire day up until later into the reception. My step mum has offered to watch the children in the hotel room (it’s upstairs so no journey needed) and get them settled for bed by 9pm (she doesn’t like parties so it’s ideal for her).

My step daughter has made a fuss that she doesn’t want to go to the room with my step mum (or anyone) and wants to stay with her dad for the entire reception. She is a clingy child in general and doesn’t like us being alone together, so I can already foresee how this will go if we don’t give her a choice she will have a temper tantrum my step mum won’t be able to cope with. Then Dhtb will give in and spend the evening with her, I won’t get a look in, she will want him to read her a story and lay in her bed all night then wake up throughout the night begging him to come back which he will. This has happened many times before as he’s too soft with her so she thinks she rules the roost.

Obviously she’s a child and it’s a big upheaval for her so I have sympathy that she wants attention and reassurance, but for our wedding day I think this needs to be nipped in the bud. I could be worrying over nothing but I was speaking to my mother in law this morning and she made a comment about my step daughter that filled me with dread and now all I can think about is how shit I will feel if our day/evening doesn’t go as planned. Yes the marriage is more important than the wedding but I don’t think it’s much to ask for my step daughter to allow us this time together for the night considering she’s old enough to understand. How do I approach this without causing offence?

OP posts:
DoristheDuchess · 27/03/2023 13:30

I say this as a step mum myself, but you really don't sound like you like her very much. It's entirely possible she's picked up on that and is really very anxious about you getting married.

You say you have anxiety issues yourself, surely you can relate to the fact that a lot of her behaviour could also driven by anxiety. Seems like you want to see her in a negative light rather than trying to understand it from her point of view.

Sadly it sounds like your house is very much split down the middle, you and your daughter vs him and his daughter. That's not a good situation.

Snoken · 27/03/2023 13:33

With your latest update that your DH only spends 2 nights a month with his child I think even more that she should be allowed to stay up during the wedding. She barely gets to see him, no wonder she is clingy when she is with him. He presumably spends more time with your child than his own.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/03/2023 13:38

Verite1 · 27/03/2023 13:22

I think it’s mean to send them to bed at 9. You also clearly don’t like her. Maybe that is why she plays up so much.

@Verite1

not sure how you’ve managed to come to the conclusion that op doesn’t like her stepdaughter just cos she doesn’t want her to dominate the whole of her wedding day! 🙄

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds 8 year olds Primary education Weddings
Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 13:42

Of course I like her I wouldn’t marry someone who has a child I dislike. I’ve kept quiet for a long time and let Dhtb deal with any behavioural issues as I don’t feel it’s my place to interfere. I’m now at the end of my tether and ranting the feelings I’ve kept in. I just want one day that isn’t ruined when I keep quiet over anything else. We’ve had the same set up for 4 years and it’s only the past year her behaviour has changed. She is also like this towards her step dad according to her mum. Every Sunday morning that she stays with us we have ‘girl morning’ where I and both girls go shopping, get breakfast then do our hair or nails when we get home. She loves it and is very affectionate with me. It’s the wedding issue that I’m focused on at the moment, as her clingy ness and tantrums become unbearable after some time and will take over important moments on the day if I can’t suggest a reasonable way around it beforehand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 13:49

LuckySantangelo35 - thank you! I’m sure step parents are the devil on here sometimes!
Its not personal to step daughter at all, as I’ve said I’ve been in her life for years and have a bond with her as she does with me and my daughter. Her behaviour gives me anxiety and causes regular stress, but this is always kept to myself as I know children can pick up on feelings. Having her every other weekend is a normal set up for dads, if he had her every weekend then her mum would never see her! I always include her and treat her the same as my daughter so she doesn’t feel left out. I deserve a happy wedding day, just because I have children/step children doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy myself and have a few hours with my new husband alone. If I’d posted about my own daughter being difficult, I’m sure the replies would be different.
Thank you to all those who gave helpful advice and kind words. I’ll have a think through the week and discuss it further with Dhtb.

OP posts:
BlueHeelers · 27/03/2023 13:50

This has happened many times before as he’s too soft with her so she thinks she rules the roost

You don’t seem to like her very
much … Maybe she’s feeling very insecure.

DoristheDuchess · 27/03/2023 13:54

But your partner hasn't dealt with the behavioural issues. If it's got worse in the last year, surely that needed to be tackled first before making your wedding the hill to die on?

You keep shrugging your shoulders and saying it wasn't your place to deal with it, but you are involved. She's coming into your bed, she's impacting your daughter. This is your home.

Its your language that has suggested you don't like her, based on what you've written here. There's a dissonance between what you've now said and your earlier posts.

Doing girlie stuff on a Sunday morning is just a band aid for bigger issues. She sounds like a very anxious little girl who isn't happy in either home.

Sapphire387 · 27/03/2023 14:07

Oh here we go, the step-parent-bashing has started. OP - YANBU to want a small portion of your wedding day to be as a couple without the kids. I do think you need to talk to your (almost DH). The little girl sounds anxious and upset but equally her behaviour sounds difficult and quite frankly bratty at times (throwing her ice cream on the floor if she thinks it's smaller?!). You're in for a hell of a ride if DH insists on being a Disney dad.

waltzingparrot · 27/03/2023 14:08

I think in order to guarantee the evening you are hoping for, the girls will need to be off site somewhere. Can your SM take them back to your house / her house / a B&B nearby.

TrainersAltonTowersWontKill · 27/03/2023 14:18

I'd throw gifts and treats at her! "Bedtime boxes" with all sorts of stuff in, popcorn, film, new pjs, card (bribery) thank you for being good girls and a special part of our wedding. See you for a special breakfast etc etc.

Don't tell them where your room is. Buy a slap up meal and flowers for your stepmum!

elm26 · 27/03/2023 14:22

Never been to a wedding including my own, where the children weren't up dancing with us all until the end, or running around after each other playing or asleep in a stroller or similar.

Seems bizarre to me, they're not that young anymore either, 9pm when they know everyone else is still up celebrating us a bit shit tbh.

TrainersAltonTowersWontKill · 27/03/2023 14:26

Yeah, I wouldn't force them to bed though. It's a special occasion. But it sounds like a very long wedding. 11am weddings are knackering

Snoken · 27/03/2023 14:28

Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 13:49

LuckySantangelo35 - thank you! I’m sure step parents are the devil on here sometimes!
Its not personal to step daughter at all, as I’ve said I’ve been in her life for years and have a bond with her as she does with me and my daughter. Her behaviour gives me anxiety and causes regular stress, but this is always kept to myself as I know children can pick up on feelings. Having her every other weekend is a normal set up for dads, if he had her every weekend then her mum would never see her! I always include her and treat her the same as my daughter so she doesn’t feel left out. I deserve a happy wedding day, just because I have children/step children doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy myself and have a few hours with my new husband alone. If I’d posted about my own daughter being difficult, I’m sure the replies would be different.
Thank you to all those who gave helpful advice and kind words. I’ll have a think through the week and discuss it further with Dhtb.

Of course the mother would still see her daughter if you had the DSD more. You currently have her 2 nights/month and she has her 28 nights/month. I really do think that it is the fact that she gets such little time with her dad that is the biggest issue here and why she is being clingy, especially as she also has to share him with two other people when she does see him. I think it would be cruel to ship her off to bed this particular night since it is a big night for her dad and probably one of very few she gets to spend with her extended family on his side too. Your DP should have a conversation with her beforehand to let her know what to expect and that he can't spend all night with her but that there are others there too that she can be with.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 27/03/2023 14:28

waltzingparrot · 27/03/2023 14:08

I think in order to guarantee the evening you are hoping for, the girls will need to be off site somewhere. Can your SM take them back to your house / her house / a B&B nearby.

That would be unfair to the SM and the other daughter having to deal with her tantrums alone all night.

aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2023 14:36

I think it would be cruel to ship her off to bed this particular night since it is a big night for her dad and probably one of very few she gets to spend with her extended family on his side too. Your DP should have a conversation with her beforehand to let her know what to expect and that he can't spend all night with her but that there are others there too that she can be with.

This is naive, though - if she normally acts up in these sort of circumstances and when up longer than usual then this won't stop her.

I would consider telling her she can stay up but if she starts to act up she will have to go to bed. But I think it's pretty naive to not see that she probably WILL act up.

Snoken · 27/03/2023 14:51

aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2023 14:36

I think it would be cruel to ship her off to bed this particular night since it is a big night for her dad and probably one of very few she gets to spend with her extended family on his side too. Your DP should have a conversation with her beforehand to let her know what to expect and that he can't spend all night with her but that there are others there too that she can be with.

This is naive, though - if she normally acts up in these sort of circumstances and when up longer than usual then this won't stop her.

I would consider telling her she can stay up but if she starts to act up she will have to go to bed. But I think it's pretty naive to not see that she probably WILL act up.

Why am I naive when you are saying the same thing I am? Have a talk with her about expectations but give her a chance and let her stay up...

She is clearly very jealous that he spends more time and gives more attention to his new wife and her daughter (assuming OP's daughter spends more than 2 nights/month with him). Her acting up is her saying I need more time with/attention from you dad, pushing her away then and not dealing with it will have the adverse effect.

aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2023 14:56

Why am I naive when you are saying the same thing I am? Have a talk with her about expectations but give her a chance and let her stay up...

Well, because I'm saying maybe give her one chance to behave and stay up... but bear in mind that it's highly probably that she still will act up. Arguably that would be worse as she's then being punished by being sent to bed rather than it just being bedtime.

Regardless, she's obviously not going to cope staying up all the way to the end in the early hours of the morning, so this will still have to be dealt with at some point.

DoristheDuchess · 27/03/2023 15:04

I'm sure the OP won't be back again because I've got the impression she's got her fingers in her ears, eyes tightly shut, saying 'wedding, wedding,wedding'.

There's a depressing trajectory to this thread that suggests the OP will be back in 6 months saying my DSD is still ruling the house, its got worse and my DH says I'm the problem. I'm (insert) six months pregnant/just bought a house/bread winner and DSD is making my life hell. She's refusing to come or won't see me and my daughter only DH and its impacting my family.

There's honestly nothing new under the sun. My youngest DSD tried all of these approaches and if DH hadn't put his foot down in a loving but firm way I wouldn't have married him. DSD is a lovely lady now and all grown up!

winelove · 27/03/2023 15:05

Is there something that can be organised in the room that she would love.
Like a film with chocolate and cake, a pamper party. A special treat that she would love to do. Old fashioned bribery is the way to go.
Her favourite Disney film, a goody bag, best hot chocolate with marshmallows anything she would desperately love.

TaLooLaBell · 27/03/2023 15:12

DoristheDuchess · 27/03/2023 15:04

I'm sure the OP won't be back again because I've got the impression she's got her fingers in her ears, eyes tightly shut, saying 'wedding, wedding,wedding'.

There's a depressing trajectory to this thread that suggests the OP will be back in 6 months saying my DSD is still ruling the house, its got worse and my DH says I'm the problem. I'm (insert) six months pregnant/just bought a house/bread winner and DSD is making my life hell. She's refusing to come or won't see me and my daughter only DH and its impacting my family.

There's honestly nothing new under the sun. My youngest DSD tried all of these approaches and if DH hadn't put his foot down in a loving but firm way I wouldn't have married him. DSD is a lovely lady now and all grown up!

Yip

Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 15:13

The ‘you have one chance or you’re going to bed’ thing doesn’t work with her unfortunately, she plans ahead to get her own way. When dhtb tells her off when it gets too much she cries hysterically until he gives in, who would sit and watch a distressed child cry without a hug. She is always asleep at 9pm, that’s not the issue, it’s that she will demand dhtb does their night time routine and tantrum if he doesn’t stay with her therefore not being part of his own reception. He spends the whole of Saturdays alone with her, sometimes with his parents too, picks her up from school if he isn’t working. Sunday we have family time. She’s never given the impression nor said she’s unhappy with our arrangements, she’s always excited to come over. It’s her behaviour that causes the issues as she doesn’t know when to stop and listen, sometimes I forget she’s 8 and not 3.
On Friday night we have a lovely ‘hen night’ planned with a spa and pizza, my 2 friends, the girls and I. I like the idea of a box of surprises, I may do that for them on Friday night thank you!

OP posts:
turnthebiglightoff · 27/03/2023 15:18

Let them stay up. Perfectly simple. You are making it harder on yourself - and the kids - by forcing them to bed at 9. My kid goes to bed at 7.30 every day but he stayed up til 9 on New Year's Eve, 8.30 Xmas eve etc.

If they stay up, problem solved. If they get knackered, stepmum seemed happy to put them to bed, I'm sure she will be happy to spirit them away?

TaLooLaBell · 27/03/2023 15:19

Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 15:13

The ‘you have one chance or you’re going to bed’ thing doesn’t work with her unfortunately, she plans ahead to get her own way. When dhtb tells her off when it gets too much she cries hysterically until he gives in, who would sit and watch a distressed child cry without a hug. She is always asleep at 9pm, that’s not the issue, it’s that she will demand dhtb does their night time routine and tantrum if he doesn’t stay with her therefore not being part of his own reception. He spends the whole of Saturdays alone with her, sometimes with his parents too, picks her up from school if he isn’t working. Sunday we have family time. She’s never given the impression nor said she’s unhappy with our arrangements, she’s always excited to come over. It’s her behaviour that causes the issues as she doesn’t know when to stop and listen, sometimes I forget she’s 8 and not 3.
On Friday night we have a lovely ‘hen night’ planned with a spa and pizza, my 2 friends, the girls and I. I like the idea of a box of surprises, I may do that for them on Friday night thank you!

Your DHTB is the problem, his behaviour needs to be managed before his daughters is

whattodo1975 · 27/03/2023 15:22

Sorry just to clarify the kids are 8 & 10 and you want them up to bed and out the way by 9pm ? That seems a bit mean. Surely for such a special occasion they can stay up late especially given that there will be (i assume) plenty of family members about?

Starlitestarbright · 27/03/2023 15:23

The problem is your dh lack of spending quality time with his dd..she has to compete with yourself and dd whom see him far often than she does. Sending her away when your still celebrating sends a clear message. You admit you would have let your dd stay later if it wasn't for her. I also think you don't like her.