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Original poster

Wedding dilemma

98 replies

Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 10:14

NC as it could be identifying if any of my guests are on here.

I am getting married this weekend.
Dhtb has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I have an 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The plan for our wedding is that our children will stay for the entire day up until later into the reception. My step mum has offered to watch the children in the hotel room (it’s upstairs so no journey needed) and get them settled for bed by 9pm (she doesn’t like parties so it’s ideal for her).

My step daughter has made a fuss that she doesn’t want to go to the room with my step mum (or anyone) and wants to stay with her dad for the entire reception. She is a clingy child in general and doesn’t like us being alone together, so I can already foresee how this will go if we don’t give her a choice she will have a temper tantrum my step mum won’t be able to cope with. Then Dhtb will give in and spend the evening with her, I won’t get a look in, she will want him to read her a story and lay in her bed all night then wake up throughout the night begging him to come back which he will. This has happened many times before as he’s too soft with her so she thinks she rules the roost.

Obviously she’s a child and it’s a big upheaval for her so I have sympathy that she wants attention and reassurance, but for our wedding day I think this needs to be nipped in the bud. I could be worrying over nothing but I was speaking to my mother in law this morning and she made a comment about my step daughter that filled me with dread and now all I can think about is how shit I will feel if our day/evening doesn’t go as planned. Yes the marriage is more important than the wedding but I don’t think it’s much to ask for my step daughter to allow us this time together for the night considering she’s old enough to understand. How do I approach this without causing offence?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 27/03/2023 12:09

Could your mil take her to another room and be firmer with her? Or is anyone able to have her overnight then she's not in the hotel.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/03/2023 12:13

I think its easy to imagine what could go wrong, but at the same time it often doesn't.
The good thing is you have a very generous stepmother who could be there monitoring the children if they do stay up a bit later.

Perhaps DH could have a 15 min break to put her to bed and then the step mother can take over. If she's getting tired, she'll be ready DSD not SM. If she knows he's going to take her up, and read a quick story hopefully that will be enough.

At the same time I think you can't really predict how anyone will behave on the day - just have to have enough backup plans.

Your DH should be thinking this through too - its not entirely down to you to manage his daughter - he needs to step up. I agree that it would be nice if you get your own time with DH on the day. And he has to think through how he can make that happen.

Best of luck.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 27/03/2023 12:14

Agree let the kids stay up.

However you have a bigger problem on your hands if your husband refuses to put boundaries in place for your relationship instead of letting his DD have her own way all the time . That’s really what you need to be concerned about.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds 8 year olds Primary education Weddings
TidyDancer · 27/03/2023 12:19

I think I'd be inclined to let them stay up later but I also wouldn't tolerate her calling the shots. Is there an adult she will listen to better who can be primed to deal with any meltdowns? Or will your DD's influence calm things at all? If there are a group of children at the wedding I would consider getting an evening entertainment set up for them, maybe a film with popcorn and other bits? That way it might be able to be framed in her mind as a treat.

privateeyeeye · 27/03/2023 12:25

Have you got a friendly teen that they know who could be on ‘babysitting’ duty? The dc don’t even have to be told, but the teen could be paid to mind then, get them snacks and make sure they have fun, allowing you some Space. Otherwise they’ll migrate to you…..

Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 12:26

MIL refused as she likes to drink at parties whereas my step mum hates parties and alcohol so she offered before we even discussed child arrangements.
The entertainment for them is a good idea thank you. My own daughter will be fine, I’d happily let her stay for the entire party but I can’t let one and not the other. Step daughter turns into the devil when she’s tired or not getting her own way. I’d like a few drinks myself then overnight alone! It’s typical for step daughter to come into our room at 3am to get in between us, certainly don’t want that on our wedding night! I’ve been to many weddings where children were banned from the reception or sent away in the early evening so adults can let their hair down.

OP posts:
Stravawindow · 27/03/2023 12:27

You are being mean sending them away at 9 pm. I can assure you they won’t be tired. They will keep going. Just give them a lie in the next day. You’ve got the rest of your life together to be with your new DH, don’t exclude the girls from the day itself. I think they will resent you for it.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/03/2023 12:30

This doesn't bode well. Climbing in between you at her age?

drpet49 · 27/03/2023 12:34

EL8888 · 27/03/2023 10:18

Tough shit. It is your wedding day! She shouldn’t be ruling the roost on a wedding day of all days. It isn’t all about her and l wouldn’t make it a debate

This. You need to put your foot down

Lcb123 · 27/03/2023 12:38

Just let her stay up. If you chose to have your kids there, you have to accept they will need around with you both. Or, as an option, get her picked up and taken off later in the evening.

Lcb123 · 27/03/2023 12:39

And you definitely need to stop the getting into bed with you. I think that’s quite weird, at that age, as a common occurrence. But maybe deal with that separately-not at the wedding!

Justforlaffs · 27/03/2023 12:39

Starlitestarbright · 27/03/2023 11:52

Sorry op you don't get a child free time when you both have two dc. Your being awfully strict on an 8 and 10 year old and sending them to bed at 9 when there's a wedding. I had an 8 year old at my wedding he stayed till the end and dd slept in her pram .

All the dcs including ours stayed until the end (about 11pm) on our wedding day. I think it’s a bit strange to send an 8 and 10yo to bed at 9pm on such an exciting day as their parents getting married.

The rest of your post concerning your dp’s spoiling and pandering to his child doesn’t really bode well though.

DoristheDuchess · 27/03/2023 12:40

Your partner's parenting isn't going to magically change after you get married.

Your DP is the issue here not the daughter. He's not effectively helping the child feel secure in the new setup. This is going to carry on for as long as he allows it and could get worse in teenage years.

I'd be getting your DP to sort it but honestly I wouldn't be getting married whilst it was like this, he's not going to sort it out because actually it's working for him and his daughter

XanaduKira · 27/03/2023 12:43

I thought exactly the same @DoristheDuchess - including the parts you've scored out. I can't fathom why anyone would get married with these circumstances/ situation happening.

FinallyHere · 27/03/2023 12:48

This has happened many times before as he’s too soft with her so she thinks she rules the roost.

I can never be sure unless directly faced with this dilemma but, on the whole, I don't think I would be getting married to a man yo reacts like this.

Not saying it would be easy to manage it better but I would always suspect that the child is playing up to her father and do look to him to sort it better.

From what you describe, the child does indeed rule the roost. I suspect you don't just need a solution for the day if your wedding. You really need a solution that puts the child back into perspective and frees up your stbH to be your partner

I'm afraid I don't think that is going to happen any time soon. Your focus on sorting the child is missing the point that it's the child's father who needs to get the situation sorted.

I wouldn't marry him til he had got it sorted.

Too much stress.

TaLooLaBell · 27/03/2023 12:57

I'm not sure agreeing to marry him was a great idea until the issues with SD are sorted

Sleepyandconfused · 27/03/2023 12:58

I’d let mine stay up! It’s their parents wedding! Of course they should be there! At least until they want to go home. 9 is so early.

daimtheman · 27/03/2023 12:58

I agree you've got a wider issue here and an emotionally charged situation is not the time to resolve it.

Going from poor boundaries to suddenly excluding the child on her dad's wedding day was never going to work.

I'm not sure I'd marry someone who can't manage his child either.

In terms of the wedding I think the choice is just let them stay up or your step mum takes them both home to your house if it's local because she won't be able to insist on going down to join the party or dad coming to her if she's not there.

I think I'd just let both kids stay up though as you're likely to get more peace that way.

aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2023 13:02

I would have one of DHs relatives do the babysitting, it's more reasonable for them to have to deal with her acting up. It's a pain that your MIL isn't willing to help, could she not even do the putting them to bed bit and then come back down?

I sympathise with the fact that she'll act up if she stays up late, too, lots of people don't seem to get that.

JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 13:12

Whilst your SD is possibly a bit of a PITA, the real problem here is your OH. Have you talked this threw with him and specifically how any 'conflict' will be handled? That's your first step. On my wedding day (save emergencies) I would expect the day to be all about us. Whinging kids is not an emergency.
Your SD has already expressed discomfort at being in a strange hotel and having your SM put her to bed. Even if she was the most well behaved child at her age she needs to go bed before you two and you two need to be allowed to have your moment.
A lot of people have suggested getting her mum to pick her up. This seems the simplest solution however it's only a week away, Mum could well have made plans. Sortvit now. I think you owe it to her Mum to perhaps organise transport if you're not local. I'd not be best pleased if I was expected to travel 30miles to pick my kid up. Let your child go to bed first too to avoid tantrums.
I guess the biggest thing really is to ensure your OH is in agreement. I'd be furious and hurt if I spent my evening saying "OH? He's putting SD to bed....yes...still" . Are you sure he's for you?

Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 13:13

It’s out of my hands unfortunately, I don’t interfere in how his daughter is raised. He and his ex co parent really well so I leave them to make decisions even if I don’t agree with them. We only have her every second weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday evening, as well as occasional days through school holidays. She’s generally fine, it’s when she isn’t the centre of attention that she is awful to be around, for example if my daughter gets a bigger ice cream from the van she will throw hers on the floor, if Dhtb kisses me she pulls him off me for a kiss. Dhtb knows she stresses me out and even my daughter sometimes says she’s too much and wants to go out with me alone for a break, but it’s hard to enforce difference in parenting across only two days. I agree about the sneaking into our bed, I think it’s jealousy MIL thinks it’s ADHD. Dhtb gives in or she won’t let him sleep. I’ve been in her life since she was 3 and she hasn’t always been like this.

If we can make it through the wedding day without issues and get some time alone in the evening then I will be happy, that’s all I want. She is old enough to understand a wedding day is about the couple and that for one day she needs to let her dad have a good time, it’s not too much to ask. I suffer with anxiety anyway so I don’t think I will enjoy myself much as I’ll be waiting for the drama to begin. I guess I’ll have to request a babysitter to supervise her all day and hope it’s enough for her to behave well. The wedding is from 11am until at least 1am, waking very early to get dressed and prepared. Far too much to expect either of them to stay awake that late. The only part either would be ‘excluded’ from is the late side of the reception with everyone drinking as the entertainment will be over, food is a buffet from 5pm and speeches will be over by 7 so they won’t miss anything important.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 27/03/2023 13:18

I do get that it’s not your child but one night out of every 14 is very very little for any child to have contact with their father. Given this is an ongoing issue he might want to up the time spent with his own daughter.

itsalllighthearted · 27/03/2023 13:18

I'd let them dance the night away as it's a special occasion. They'll be so tired at the end, there probably won't be a peep of protest out of her!

Verite1 · 27/03/2023 13:22

I think it’s mean to send them to bed at 9. You also clearly don’t like her. Maybe that is why she plays up so much.

Coffeellama · 27/03/2023 13:22

I’d let them stay till 10 rather than 9 then she’s atleast felt she’s got a late night out of it rather than being shoved off with a younger kid at normal bedtime on her dads special day, compromise really.

It’s typical for step daughter to come into our room at 3am to get in between us

This should be stopped though, you can’t say you don’t get involved in her parenting but then share a bed with her, either you are really close and sharing a bed is fine, or you aren’t. At 8 and you not being her mum I don’t think this is right. DH can go sleep in her bed with her if he wants, but there has to be a cut off point here somewere.