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Original poster

Wedding dilemma

98 replies

Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 10:14

NC as it could be identifying if any of my guests are on here.

I am getting married this weekend.
Dhtb has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I have an 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

The plan for our wedding is that our children will stay for the entire day up until later into the reception. My step mum has offered to watch the children in the hotel room (it’s upstairs so no journey needed) and get them settled for bed by 9pm (she doesn’t like parties so it’s ideal for her).

My step daughter has made a fuss that she doesn’t want to go to the room with my step mum (or anyone) and wants to stay with her dad for the entire reception. She is a clingy child in general and doesn’t like us being alone together, so I can already foresee how this will go if we don’t give her a choice she will have a temper tantrum my step mum won’t be able to cope with. Then Dhtb will give in and spend the evening with her, I won’t get a look in, she will want him to read her a story and lay in her bed all night then wake up throughout the night begging him to come back which he will. This has happened many times before as he’s too soft with her so she thinks she rules the roost.

Obviously she’s a child and it’s a big upheaval for her so I have sympathy that she wants attention and reassurance, but for our wedding day I think this needs to be nipped in the bud. I could be worrying over nothing but I was speaking to my mother in law this morning and she made a comment about my step daughter that filled me with dread and now all I can think about is how shit I will feel if our day/evening doesn’t go as planned. Yes the marriage is more important than the wedding but I don’t think it’s much to ask for my step daughter to allow us this time together for the night considering she’s old enough to understand. How do I approach this without causing offence?

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 27/03/2023 15:29

Reading your updates, why does he only see his daughter every other weekend with her sleeping over one night ?

I can understand her wanting to be the centre of attention when she only sees her dad so little. It probably stings a bit seeing the 3 of you be happy families full time together.

Luckygreenduck · 27/03/2023 16:06

I know it's not ideal but could your husband plan to take 20 minutes away at 9 (or maybe a bit later?) to put her to bed.
I imagine seeing your dad get remarried is tough even if you love your step mum. A little time together where he can give her a cuddle and says she will always be his number 1 girl might help. It could be a nice moment in the day for both of them as well. It is a sacrifice for you but honestly you will have so many people to talk too you might not even notice. A lot of brides nip off around that time to change or alter outfits/ shoes/ hair and the party continues.

Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 16:23

You admit you would have let your dd stay later if it wasn't for her
not true at all, I said my daughter would be fine staying late because she sleeps well and won’t be difficult the next day, but step daughter wouldn’t cope so I can’t let one without the other, completely unnecessary twist of words to try and demonise me as a wicked stepmother!

That is their contact arrangement and we live too far apart for a short weekday visit after school. Her mum is entitled to weekend time with her too and it works well for them all. Her behaviour is the same regardless of who she is with. MIL can’t cope with her sleeping over because of her behaviour. If it was because she wanted more attention from her dad the behaviour would be specific to him, not our extended family or her mums extended family.

OP posts:

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ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/03/2023 16:53

This might be a farfetched suggestion but .... what if the ex/the SD's mother were invited to the reception? Would the child behave better if her mum were there?

As you say they co-parent well. Maybe if the girl sees her mum accepting the situation pleasantly, the remarriage won't bother her so much.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 27/03/2023 16:56

You "won't get a look in" on your wedding night because your boyfriend does whatever his daughter wants, and you think marrying him is a good idea because...?

KatherineJaneway · 27/03/2023 16:58

Will other kids be staying up?

Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 27/03/2023 17:06

Her mum and husband were invited but already had plans. The other children will be leaving with their parents after food and speeches as it will have be a long day and they want to get home understandably (only 3 others attending as we don’t have young children in our friendship groups or many within the family, not because I’ve banished them as a serial child hater!). So our girls will be the remaining children, which is fine if we had a babysitter keeping them occupied but not if we will be harassed for attention all evening.

OP posts:
pimplebum · 27/03/2023 18:29

Don't marry a man who you even think will do this to you

Or communicate! Leaving you on your wedding night to attend to a tantrum is no ok

FinallyHere · 27/03/2023 19:42

She is old enough to understand a wedding day is about the couple and that for one day she needs to let her dad have a good time, it’s not too much to ask.

It is indeed not too much to ask.

However, it doesn't sound as if your STBDH has the skills or backbone to deal with his daughter, in which case why would SD not commend his attention even on his wedding day.

Because she can. Sorry.

And I agree that anyone should get one chance to behave and be removed from the scene on the first offence. This isn't the problem, the problem is that your STBDH only has one strategy and that is to give in to her and spend time with her

This is clearly going to happen. I'm very sorry.

Flobb · 27/03/2023 19:59

I had this. My DSC were not invited to my wedding and I regret it to this day 33 years later. Their father and I divorced after 13 years but I am so fortunate to still have a good relationship with both DSC now aged 39 and 41. However you manage it, don't exclude her

theemmadilemma · 27/03/2023 19:59

😂 And you're still marrying. It won't get better.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/03/2023 21:23

not if we will be harassed for attention all evening

I think you need to let the girls co-host with you and allow them to stay up. It's one night and it sounds as though it will be less hassle. If one or both start to flag and need bed, both of you take them and settle them. Your guests will understand and probably just carry on partying. That sounds better than your new husband going to settle his child, you getting annoyed etc because he's not back. Make it all part of the wedding if you can do. It's as big a day for the girls as it is for you both.

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 27/03/2023 21:46

... you don't get a child free time when you both have two dc
What bollix! So parents can never have a moment of free time & must spend every minute with their children??? Of course you can have child free time as a parent, as long as you put appropriate care in place.
OP, your dsd sounds like hard work at times. I would suggest talking to her in advance & setting expectations, maybe even a reward for being good for the day/ night.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/03/2023 23:31

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/03/2023 21:23

not if we will be harassed for attention all evening

I think you need to let the girls co-host with you and allow them to stay up. It's one night and it sounds as though it will be less hassle. If one or both start to flag and need bed, both of you take them and settle them. Your guests will understand and probably just carry on partying. That sounds better than your new husband going to settle his child, you getting annoyed etc because he's not back. Make it all part of the wedding if you can do. It's as big a day for the girls as it is for you both.

Yes, this is the wisest advice.

Maybe not the dream wedding reception but after all, you do both have children. Make taking them up part of the evening and then go back down to your guests.

And I say this with kindness but honestly, from 11am (plus the earlier time needed for guests to get ready and transport themselves) to 1am, makes me want to scream in despair. I'm not sure there really are that many people who want 14 hours non-stop celebration for the wedding of two people who already live together and have kids.

QOD · 28/03/2023 01:55

Absolutely crackers wanting them shoved away at 9

jjst let them stay up and crash at 11 or whatever. And what the heck are you resenting dhtb spending half hour tucking her up for?
2 or 3 chairs pushed together at the side of the room is good enough for dozing until she’s carted off
also your Sunday morning alone time with both girls - you should be taking your own dd off and getting her dad to do some one on one

being a kid watching your mum and or dad with their new family is incredibly hard

Original poster
Cowbellsonhold · 28/03/2023 07:03

I have one on one time with my own daughter every day thanks. Her dad passed away so that’s not an option. She cannot remember a time dhtb and step daughter were not in our life so it isn’t a sudden thing for her to get to used. The Sunday morning is to help step daughter feel included and my own daughter enjoys it too. It’s once a fortnight for 3 hours.

There will be a gap after the ceremony and meal before the reception begins so guests can go home or whatever they want to do in between. Not everyone from the ceremony is coming to the reception. It’s not a big wedding.

OP posts:
Daffodilwoman · 28/03/2023 07:26

I don’t have any suggestions.
What I will say us it’s not your step mums place to placate your dsd. The problem here is your dp. He should have sorted bedtimes out long ago. When does he spend alone time with his child? It’s all very well leaving you to do ‘girly things’ as you call it but really he should be doing things alone with his child..
If their relationship was secure she wouldn’t need to kick off to find a way of getting his attention.
You also can’t expect guests to come to your wedding to babysit. If I went to a wedding where my own dcs were not invited, you have said there won’t be any other children there later on, I would not be entertaining someone else’s children.
Either let them stay up or your dp will have to go and spend time with his daughter away from the party.

BeaLola · 28/03/2023 07:30

35965a · 27/03/2023 11:56

When you have your children at your wedding you really don’t get child-free time. That’s just the way it is.

This

Coffeellama · 28/03/2023 10:44

Daffodilwoman · 28/03/2023 07:26

I don’t have any suggestions.
What I will say us it’s not your step mums place to placate your dsd. The problem here is your dp. He should have sorted bedtimes out long ago. When does he spend alone time with his child? It’s all very well leaving you to do ‘girly things’ as you call it but really he should be doing things alone with his child..
If their relationship was secure she wouldn’t need to kick off to find a way of getting his attention.
You also can’t expect guests to come to your wedding to babysit. If I went to a wedding where my own dcs were not invited, you have said there won’t be any other children there later on, I would not be entertaining someone else’s children.
Either let them stay up or your dp will have to go and spend time with his daughter away from the party.

Odd that you’ve read she does girly things with the SD but missed that the dad spends the whole of his Saturdays alone with her, he does have alone time with her. And if the OPs step mum is happy to babysit then that’s up to them isn’t it.

Coulditreallybe · 23/04/2023 19:59

How did it go @Cowbellsonhold

NoThanksymm · 22/09/2023 17:14

Marriage is important. But so are weddings!!

id invite a friend of the kids too. So they have someone to party with.

and if you think Your soon to be husband will be spending the night with his daughter rather than bride… well I’d be re thinking the relationship! That’s just next level inappropriate relationship.

NerrSnerr · 22/09/2023 17:20

NoThanksymm · 22/09/2023 17:14

Marriage is important. But so are weddings!!

id invite a friend of the kids too. So they have someone to party with.

and if you think Your soon to be husband will be spending the night with his daughter rather than bride… well I’d be re thinking the relationship! That’s just next level inappropriate relationship.

The wedding was in march so it's a bit late for advice.

itsmylife7 · 06/01/2024 19:37

@Cowbellsonhold
Just wondering how your wedding went.

Hope everything was as perfect as you wanted.

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