Do you actually enjoy being with your children?

[YouFilthyAnimal]

I know we all love them, but really, does anyone like their kids?

Mine are all horrible, actually just not nice children, I’m not sure what I did so wrong, I thought I was parenting very similarly to all the people around me, it doesn’t look that different from the outside but clearly I haven’t because so many people really enjoy time with their children, and mine are just horrible and draining to be around

So if you are one of those people who actually likes them, how did you do this??
It is so fucking depressing to live in a house full of people you don’t like and who don’t like you

You may want to have your daughter see a therapist for their anger issues. Teenagers can be difficult but your daughter sounds like she is over the top. Perhaps you could see someone as well to find ways to deal with these outbursts?

Yes, I love every minute of it. Mine are a dream but I had to put my foot down in the early days to make sure good behaviour was expected at all times. They can be very noisy but not in a destructive way.

Yes I do, they annoy the fuck out of me sometimes though. They are 5 and 7 so they do A LOT of talking and I have to really make an effort to pretend to be interested in what they are interested in. But, as people, they really are lovely and they make me laugh all the time. I also find them pretty fascinating.

The only thing is shopping, I absolutely hate taking them shopping. They can't just walk sensibly around a shop and help me get what we need. They daydream and wander into people, they ask me endless questions about everything they see, they get distracted looking at something and I have to tell them to keep up constantly. It makes me so stressed. So I really enjoy spending time with them as long as I don't have to take them in to a shop 😂

This has possibly been asked and answered already but how does your DH get on with them, does he have the same issues. Obviously he is not with them as much but I notice you don't say much about him and his relationship with them (i did speed read this however!).

It sounds so tough and you must feel somewhat trapped (I know I would). Your oldest sounds quiet normal for 13, your 12 year olds behavior is definitely not normal and it does sound like you all need counselling.

I struggle(d) with teenage years (have two adult sons 18 and 19 and one 14 year old) but my oldest two came out of the horrors so quickly it was like a blinked and they were lovely, kind, fun, considerate adults. Its easy to forget how selfish kids become in the teenage years and this is totally normal neurological development, doesn't feel like it at the time!

I really hope things get a bit better for you.

I adore my two DD, and am so proud of them both - they are 5 and 1. However, I need my alone time and can’t say I enjoy being with them all the time tbh! There are moments I enjoy it but the 1 year old is tiring, you can’t really have a conversation with her (obv) and it’s just mama mama mama. Love the 5 year old but honestly some of the time it’s quite boring , the constant questions and wanting to play boring games like I spy over and over. However, we have a great relationship, I love her and miss her when she’s not there and I am hoping 5 and 1 are hard ages and it’ll get better. It’s worrying that yours are so much older and you still describe them the way you do…

Sorry I’ve lost track of who I’m meaning to quote here but a few people now have said that I need to stop them (DD especially) speaking to me like she does and to be firm and have boundaries etc but my question is … how?!!
How do I physically stop the words coming out of her mouth?
Ive said to them countless times that they can call me whatever they want and backchat me all the like in their head but they cannot vocalise every negative feeling towards me, do they listen?! Do they balls! Every single day someone will call me a name, backchat to me, refuse to do something I’ve asked and (my personal biggest trigger) mumble things as they’re walking away - why!?!! Why don’t they just want an easy life?!!

They know you. They are trying to get a reaction out of you and it's working. They don't want an easy life, they want to push your buttons. It makes them feel in control, rather than you, the adult, being in control.

If you didn't react at all, they wouldn't get the satisfaction.

@KnittingDiva just to answer your questions about DH - he spends very little time with them tbh, he gets a lot of attitude from the teen, the 12 year old he gets nothing and they are probably the closest and have the most in common
I definitely get the most grief from them two though
The youngest two though have very little to do with him, not so much to do with him but to them being (for lack of a better word) obsessed with me, they won’t allow him to serve them food, put them to bed, read to them, they want me for everything, they argue about who gets to sit next to me at the table, constantly sit on my knee, they get in our bed and sleep literally on top of my face every night and even fight in their sleep if one is touching me and the other isn’t, they are very ‘Mammy mammy mammy’ all the time - they’re a lot!
Of course DH could try harder with this but we are all just so so drained it almost isn’t worth it

You are absolutely right
I give them far too much power, their moods and their behaviour very much set the tone for the whole house each day

I just wish everything wasn’t always such a battle

Ive said to them countless times that they can call me whatever they want and backchat me all the like in their head

Well I wouldn't say that for a start! It's not okay to disrespect you at all. You've validated their behaviour.

First step I think is I would not give them the reaction in the moment. Walk away, do not engage. Do not allow yourself to be spoken to that. It's a boundary.

Oh yes exactly what @MintJulia said

Yes, I like my kids.

I think it must be horrible for kids to live with adults who dislike them.

This thread makes me feel sad for all in the OP's home, must be upsetting.

Genuinely like my children and like spending time with them. They make me laugh more than most people I know.
I also cherish any alone time I get - but as an introvert that's not child-specific...I just need alone to recharge!

It's sad you feel like that. I think children can be selfish and entitled.
To answer your question, yes I do enjoy being with my children and I do like them.
One of my children can be quite difficult. He can be selfish and just complicate things being so resistant to everything we suggest. He's often (not always) hard work. However, I can see beyond that. I can see he's difficult because he's actually anxious a lot of the time. He's also loving and cuddly and funny and sweet!

I've been through this a little with my DS and agree that you can't stop the words coming out of their mouths, so you have to change how you react to it.
Decide you're not going to accept it.
Don't stand and take it.
Turn/walk away as soon as they start talking nastily to you.
Do nothing for them until they apologise - no washing, no cleaning of rooms, no making meals. Well I did continue to wash uniforms, but that was all. Apologies and a bit of pleasantness and I then just acted normal and started again from there.
For a long while it would be 90% unpleasantness and 10% of the nice DS I'd had previously, but be consistent, don't give them the reaction that they want, and gradually things improved here.
We're now 10% unpleasantness and 90% nice DS but you've got to keep chipping away.

You asked So if you are one of those people who actually likes them, how did you do this??
It is so fucking depressing to live in a house full of people you don’t like and who don’t like you

I could only respond based on what you put on your OP. You hadn’t said what you had tried. Children don’t suddenly turn into rude and disrespectful overnight. At the first signs that is when it need addressing or are they mirroring what they see? I’m not saying it’s easy but I can assume the posters that get on with their children have set and stuck to boundaries. You can turn this around but you need to be consistent with them all especially the older two as the younger two are learning from them.

No advice OP, only sympathy. They sound absolutely vile and your husband pretty useless. I hope things change for you one day.

12 is a hard age for girls, some breeze through puberty and others turn into demons.

How do you respond when she speaks to you like that?

I love being around my son, I'm truly obsessed with him, but this might be due to the fact he's an only so when he's doing something on his own I get a break. I also work so I'm we aren't glued to each 24/7! I work term time though and after 6 weeks in the summer I do think I couldn't do this 24/7!

He's not a teenager yet though so maybe I'm not fit to comment

15yo. Late adhd diagnosis so life was hell knowing what was wrong but no one believing you.

is like victor meldrew. Grumpy and complains a LOT about anything and everything. Even things that aren’t relevant and/or can’t be fixed.

emotional vampire is how they describe it 🤣🤣

best part of the day is when they fall asleep.

No loud noises, no ranting to themself, no complaining, no yelling at the TV, nothing getting broken, no moaning it’s cold whilst practically naked. You get the idea 😬🤣

How long have you felt like this?

I felt like this when my DD was a baby but that’s because I had PND but since then I love spending time with my DD.

My DD has autism and ADHD but does not act like your kids.
She of course has outbursts and she can sometimes be a bit of a moody teen but these are few and far between and she’d never say anything like she wishes I was dead.

I do think your DCs are like this because of their upbringing.
That doesn’t mean you are a bad parent but you may be too strict/too soft etc.

I’d hazard a guess that the biggest issue is their dad.
I was an awful teen towards my mum but it was my dads behaviour that caused me to take out my emotions on my mum.

Oh OP, you are clearly unhappy and not thriving as a woman or a mother by being a SAHP to 4 children, I don’t blame you. It sounds like something has to change. As your DH works long hours and I suspect there’s little scope to reduce that, I would consider getting a job to get you outside of the house and in the company of adults and getting an after school nanny.

I love my autistic dd but her behaviour makes it very difficult to like her at times.

Just to be clear, you're talking about a 13, 12, 7 and 5 year old. All vile are they?

This all sounds very difficult. But just to say both mine we're probably at their most challenging at 12 and 13. I was dreading the teenage years (and we're not though it yet and they are definitely still quite full on) but things got better and we are now so close. I do spend one to one time with them and try to take a genuine interest in their lives and their hobbies etc. I would say that probably made the biggest difference (not that I wasn't involved before but I maybe treated them together, rather than as individuals). Really do hope things improve.