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Original poster

Where to put all these kids?! Wwyd?

667 replies

MissMooley · 25/03/2023 21:00

Wasn't sure where to post this to get the most advice.
Basically I'm in a 3 bed house. Me, dds 14 & 19, and ds 11&8.
Currently, dd 14 & 19 have their own rooms, and the boys share. I have a bed in the living room.
It's worked for us nicely, but now I'm due twins in 10 weeks 😂🙈
I have no idea where they're going lol
My options so far are:

1- Scrap having a living room and just make it a full bedroom for me and the twins.

2- make the living room a full bedroom, and move the sofa etc into the outshed, but not sure how that will go in winter, it gets pretty cold and I don't have the money to fully convert it (also a council house, so would need permission I assume?)

That's it. I don't like the idea of having no living room but there's literally no space to have the cots and all the baby stuff in there with my bed and the sofa etc too.

I've considered the girls sharing, but eldest has asd and several mh disorders so can't see that working for her.

Just feel a bit stuck and hoping someone has a magic solution I haven't thought of!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 26/03/2023 12:46

ImAGoodPerson · 26/03/2023 12:27

This whole thread is batshit TBH.

I am all for benefits like UC, it's a great thing that in the UK help is provided of course, there are people who end up in situations they could never imagine would happen through no fault of their own. This is not one of these times so I totally understand people getting shitty with the OP who appears to find it all a bit amusing.

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She seems to find it hilarious, of course all if this isn’t her fault at all…

If 2 of my friends who ended up single mothers managed to have 2 kids and no more then you do wonder about people who have lots of unplanned kids. I know there are mistakes and I got pregnant by mistake but at 17 not 30!

It’s like, yeah the UC magic money tree will
look after them all.

threeplusmum · 26/03/2023 12:50

I'm having my third child under 5, whilst living in a studio flat (effectively a 1 bedroom flat) - the only difference is me and my partner are planning to find somewhere bigger within the next couple of years because the kids are going to need more space to move around, partner is very handy and diy knowledgeable so has made more space out of what we have - 2 cots will be in the bedroom and 4 year old sleeps in the living room in her own bed 🛌 I moved into this property as a single person and 6 years later I'm having 3 kids and a partner share with me - life happens. The council don't give a crap as I live in an oversubscribed borough in London and will never consider moving outside of London.

Jenasaurus · 26/03/2023 12:54

Maireas · 26/03/2023 12:41

@Jenasaurus - so you slept under the stairs to facilitate girlfriend and boyfriend moving in? Were they paying a good rent?

It was my choice, and it was really a room for my adult DS and a room for my adult DD, the fact their partners moved in wouldn't have made a difference, and to be honest I am glad I did it, as it meant they managed to get on the housing ladder. I can see how this looks, but we suffered EA and DV so we all needed each other around for support. They didn't make me sleep under the stairs, I could have slept in the lounge or one of them would have, but I chose to sleep in there as it was cosy and I enjoyed it to be honest. What works for one family may not work for another but it did for us.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 26/03/2023 12:56

I would strongly reconsider DD1 having her own room, she may cope absolutely fine sharing with her sister. - a family home should have a living room for you all to join together. You need to consider all your children’s needs not just DD1s.

Sad to say, I think this is going to be necessary. All of the children will now have to make sacrifices owing to being in overcrowded conditions. However challenging the eldest will find it having to share, there just isn't the 'luxury' available for one person in a family of seven to have one of the three bedrooms all to themselves, regardless of how much they would benefit in more ideal circumstances.

I don't get it when people exclaim "Well, they seemed to manage OK in generations gone by, when very large families was the norm". 'Managing' is absolutely not the same as thriving; and isn't it interesting how few of those generations' (great)grandchildren now choose to have very large families of their own, now that we have reliable contraception and more options for women?

I think it was probably also the norm that children would have been moving out at a young age, to make room for the younger ones coming through. I think it's a very valuable position for a young person to feel secure, know that they have a place at home for as long as they need/want it and that they only need to move out whentheyare ready to do so - but if they grow up in a large family, especially one in a too-small house, that's just a luxury that isn't going to be open to them.

As for the PP who said about boarding schools, doesn't the very large number of reports from adults who boarded as a child (or had close family members who did) of how much they hated and felt damaged by it tell you something? Yes, I know that plenty also say they enjoyed it, or feel otherwise quite neutral to the experience; but the numbers in the first group are immense.

I agree with all of this. In an ideal world the oldest DD would have her own room but it's a luxury that the OP cannot afford.

gwrachod · 26/03/2023 12:58

ImAGoodPerson · 26/03/2023 12:44

The 1st one, the 2nd is disgraceful, not once have I suggested this. The twins may not have been planned but TBH people shouldn't be having 4 kids if they can't afford them. There were 3 pregnancies after the space ran out IMO.

I'm allowed my opinion, I would have loved 4 DC but we felt we couldn't give enough time/money/space to 4 so stuck at 2, 3 DC we would have managed if we had got pregnant by accident once.

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WTF are you on about? The OP says she used to be married, and things changed quickly. Or haven't you bothered to actually read her posts before gleefully sticking the boot in?

I'd hazard a guess she thought she could afford 4 DC at the time she had them, then things didn't work out as she expected.

Are you saying women should only have DC if fully able to afford them as a single parent, ignoring their partner's financial contribution, just in case they split up or something awful happens?

If so, that would at least make logical sense with what you've said - although it would mean you're saying a huge number of women on MN shouldn't have had DC either. Most people in couples make affordability decisions based on what they can afford as a couple.

If you're not saying that, get off the OP's case.

ImAGoodPerson · 26/03/2023 13:00

gwrachod · 26/03/2023 12:58

WTF are you on about? The OP says she used to be married, and things changed quickly. Or haven't you bothered to actually read her posts before gleefully sticking the boot in?

I'd hazard a guess she thought she could afford 4 DC at the time she had them, then things didn't work out as she expected.

Are you saying women should only have DC if fully able to afford them as a single parent, ignoring their partner's financial contribution, just in case they split up or something awful happens?

If so, that would at least make logical sense with what you've said - although it would mean you're saying a huge number of women on MN shouldn't have had DC either. Most people in couples make affordability decisions based on what they can afford as a couple.

If you're not saying that, get off the OP's case.

Show quote history

You can twist what I have said all you like, there is no point responding to you TBH.

jenandberrys · 26/03/2023 13:01

threeplusmum · 26/03/2023 12:50

I'm having my third child under 5, whilst living in a studio flat (effectively a 1 bedroom flat) - the only difference is me and my partner are planning to find somewhere bigger within the next couple of years because the kids are going to need more space to move around, partner is very handy and diy knowledgeable so has made more space out of what we have - 2 cots will be in the bedroom and 4 year old sleeps in the living room in her own bed 🛌 I moved into this property as a single person and 6 years later I'm having 3 kids and a partner share with me - life happens. The council don't give a crap as I live in an oversubscribed borough in London and will never consider moving outside of London.

Life happens! Seriously no wonder this country is fucked.

Stravawindow · 26/03/2023 13:03

Anycolouryoulike · 26/03/2023 12:09

On what planet is it ever okay to tell a woman who came on MN for advice about bedrooms she should have had an abortion or give her kids up for adoption?

Sums up why MN has such a bad reputation though.

Agreed. Followed by get the 19 year old to move out and send the boys to live with their dad. Folk are disgusting.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 26/03/2023 13:06

Are you saying women should only have DC if fully able to afford them as a single parent, ignoring their partner's financial contribution, just in case they split up or something awful happens?

Actually I do agree with that, which is partly why I only have one child. Why do you think that a lot of the advice on here is for women to not give up their careers and become SAHPs?

berksandbeyond · 26/03/2023 13:07

threeplusmum · 26/03/2023 12:50

I'm having my third child under 5, whilst living in a studio flat (effectively a 1 bedroom flat) - the only difference is me and my partner are planning to find somewhere bigger within the next couple of years because the kids are going to need more space to move around, partner is very handy and diy knowledgeable so has made more space out of what we have - 2 cots will be in the bedroom and 4 year old sleeps in the living room in her own bed 🛌 I moved into this property as a single person and 6 years later I'm having 3 kids and a partner share with me - life happens. The council don't give a crap as I live in an oversubscribed borough in London and will never consider moving outside of London.

Wow if only there was some way that you could move somewhere more appropriate - maybe working in exchange for money and paying your own way? “The council don’t give a crap” - why is it their problem that you continue to make terrible life decisions?
How embarrassing for your older child, once they’re in school they’ll realise how their parent(s) have let them down. You’ve chosen a cycle of poverty that will be incredibly difficult for them to claw their way out of.

ProudThrilledHappy · 26/03/2023 13:07

Hi OP have you considered splitting the girls room using bunk beds as a divider? It means you are still only using up the space of a single bed for them to sleep and leaves more space for each to have a good private space either side. Here is a news story showing how someone did this https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/fabulous/7649335/savvy-dad-clever-bunk-bed-hack-sons-privacy-sharing-bedroom/

Where to put all these kids?! Wwyd?
Darktowers · 26/03/2023 13:09

MissMooley · 26/03/2023 11:52

@Nanny0gg that's exactly what I did and why I wasn't going to reply anymore but I think alot of posters have assumed my circumstances, so I'm just going to answer a few things now I've had a bit of sleep.

I have looked into private renting unsuccessfully so far. However a pp has pointed me in the direction of a list of landlords the council have that I'll ask about.

I asked to be sterilised after my 4th and was told no twice due to my age. I can have it done if I have a section now, if not I'll be getting it done after now I'm getting a yes.

I have only reffered to the fact that my girls don't go see their dad because of stepmum. That doesn't mean he isn't involved, he pays his way for 14 Yr old and always did for 19 Yr old until she became an adult.
The boys dad is quite frankly amazing with regards to being actively involved and pays cms.
Twins dad is also involved.

I do work, ill be going back once maternity leave is over.

I am very much usually a ' laugh or cry' type person. Dark humour to deal with bad situations, and think positive and deal with the situations you've got. That's why I may come across as not taking it seriously.

This is the situation, and I welcome advice on how to make some more room.

Re: kitchen, that's where we tend to gather. Maybe I could put fridge freezer and dryer in the outhouse and move sofa to the back of the kitchen, I think it could be big enough?

As for all the less than useful comments, I get it. That was me when I was in a different position a few years back. It's how it is on places like this.

You see I really feel for you OP

The fact that as an adult woman you weren’t allowed to make a choice to be sterilised ? That’s not ok at all.

Def look at using the kitchen as a living space.

Ignore the unkind comments Flowers

Darktowers · 26/03/2023 13:11

berksandbeyond · 26/03/2023 13:07

Wow if only there was some way that you could move somewhere more appropriate - maybe working in exchange for money and paying your own way? “The council don’t give a crap” - why is it their problem that you continue to make terrible life decisions?
How embarrassing for your older child, once they’re in school they’ll realise how their parent(s) have let them down. You’ve chosen a cycle of poverty that will be incredibly difficult for them to claw their way out of.

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Actually you’ll often find that children from larger families living in poverty are the hardest workers as adults and don’t take anything for granted . They have a huge motivation to do well so it’s not as tragic as you portray it to be

begoneday · 26/03/2023 13:13

Bookworms77 · 25/03/2023 23:44

@Capricornone1 because we are a civilised society who should not wash our hands of our vulnerable people. Because lots of wages are not enough for people to afford a decent standard of living. Because even if we don’t agree with the parents choices we don’t turn away from the innocent children. Because as one of the riches countries in the world we should be able to offer adequate social housing as a minimum. Because the welfare state was set up to provide for people who cannot do so themselves. Because without adequate housing people will struggle to thrive and meet their potential especially children therefore continuing the cycle of poverty.

A three bedroom house is adequate housing though. There is absolutely no need for a family to be provided with a four bedroom house, if they were responsible with how many children they have. It’s not bigoted to expect people to take some responsibility for their life choices.

Capricornone1 · 26/03/2023 13:17

Why should the council give a crap for your poor choice. I just can’t get my head around why you and OP and god knows how many others think it’s ok to have so many children they can’t afford to accommodate adequately. Please explain?

WhiteFire · 26/03/2023 13:18

Stravawindow · 26/03/2023 13:03

Agreed. Followed by get the 19 year old to move out and send the boys to live with their dad. Folk are disgusting.

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Well the OP hasn't many options, I'm not sure suggesting the 19 year old moves out is any worse than suggesting she lives in a caravan.

Capricornone1 · 26/03/2023 13:20

Darktowers · 26/03/2023 13:11

Actually you’ll often find that children from larger families living in poverty are the hardest workers as adults and don’t take anything for granted . They have a huge motivation to do well so it’s not as tragic as you portray it to be

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Hmmm I’m not so sure about that. You only have to see the Benefit Britain type documentaries for example to see it continues down then generation

berksandbeyond · 26/03/2023 13:22

Darktowers · 26/03/2023 13:11

Actually you’ll often find that children from larger families living in poverty are the hardest workers as adults and don’t take anything for granted . They have a huge motivation to do well so it’s not as tragic as you portray it to be

Show quote history

Yeah nah, that’s not how it works. You can keep telling yourself that but all the evidence points to it being much harder for children to break a generational curse and get out of the cycle of poverty. Lord knows it’s hard enough for young people these days!

Tootyfilou · 26/03/2023 13:23

@jenandberrys This Country is fucked because we have had 13 years of the most right wing Tory government in British history. No investment in Local Authority housing, stagnation in wages, private rentals unaffordable for many, cost of living crisis and years and years of austerity... for the least well off , while the rich get richer.
None of this is the fault of the OP. There are some hideous cunts on this thread, and you can certainly see why we have had 13 years of the Tories when you read some of these replies.
Wishing you the very best of luck OP, congratulations on your twins and I hope everything goes well for the rest of your pregnancy and birth. x

Meandfour · 26/03/2023 13:25

threeplusmum · 26/03/2023 12:50

I'm having my third child under 5, whilst living in a studio flat (effectively a 1 bedroom flat) - the only difference is me and my partner are planning to find somewhere bigger within the next couple of years because the kids are going to need more space to move around, partner is very handy and diy knowledgeable so has made more space out of what we have - 2 cots will be in the bedroom and 4 year old sleeps in the living room in her own bed 🛌 I moved into this property as a single person and 6 years later I'm having 3 kids and a partner share with me - life happens. The council don't give a crap as I live in an oversubscribed borough in London and will never consider moving outside of London.

Why should the council give a crap? You chose to have 3 kids, not them.
It’s good you’re planning to find your own house soon but I never understand this line that’s regularly trotted out about council housing teams.

ImAGoodPerson · 26/03/2023 13:29

threeplusmum · 26/03/2023 12:50

I'm having my third child under 5, whilst living in a studio flat (effectively a 1 bedroom flat) - the only difference is me and my partner are planning to find somewhere bigger within the next couple of years because the kids are going to need more space to move around, partner is very handy and diy knowledgeable so has made more space out of what we have - 2 cots will be in the bedroom and 4 year old sleeps in the living room in her own bed 🛌 I moved into this property as a single person and 6 years later I'm having 3 kids and a partner share with me - life happens. The council don't give a crap as I live in an oversubscribed borough in London and will never consider moving outside of London.

This is all entirely your choice though, why is it anything to do with the council. Having 1 child in a 1 bed flat is crazy but manageable for a short time, having 3 is completely your decision on how you have decided to live. We have a 3 bed house and wouldn't have chosen to have 3 DC.

CJsGoldfish · 26/03/2023 13:29

Actually you’ll often find that children from larger families living in poverty are the hardest workers as adults and don’t take anything for granted . They have a huge motivation to do well so it’s not as tragic as you portray it to be
Can go either way but those who do strive to do better are obviously negatively affected. Often by the choices made by those who are supposed to put them first.
Lack of a role model to show them how to be contributing members of society rather than living with a hand permanently out often just perpetuates the cycle 🤷‍♀️

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 26/03/2023 13:31

Actually you’ll often find that children from larger families living in poverty are the hardest workers as adults and don’t take anything for granted . They have a huge motivation to do well so it’s not as tragic as you portray it to be

I think that may have been true in the past but not any more. Things are so expensive for young people these days that those with parents who can support them (by for e.g. giving them the option of a stable safe home) have a huge advantage. Kids having to leave home and not go back are at a huge disadvantage today IMO.

ImAGoodPerson · 26/03/2023 13:34

begoneday · 26/03/2023 13:13

A three bedroom house is adequate housing though. There is absolutely no need for a family to be provided with a four bedroom house, if they were responsible with how many children they have. It’s not bigoted to expect people to take some responsibility for their life choices.

Show quote history

This is the part I can't understand, we all have to make decisions to live within our means. Yes things happen and longer term we can adjust to make things work better and if the OP was already in a 4/5 bed house to accommodate her 4 children then added 2 more to the mix would have been manageable, but 1 A 4 C in a 3 bed was already crowded.

There has to be some accountability here and this thread just shows how many people think the government should prop us up for making poor choices. Obviously help is available for those who need it, rightly so, but we shouldn't be planning so badly we are likely to end up in shit positions.

There have been a few threads lately where people have said they are struggling with increased costs and they are told they should have planned better/downsized/planned as if they only had 1 income rather than 2, then on here we should be able to have 6 kids with no space etc and anyone disagreeing is a tory with no heart!

ZeroWorshipHere · 26/03/2023 13:36

Capricornone1 · 26/03/2023 13:17

Why should the council give a crap for your poor choice. I just can’t get my head around why you and OP and god knows how many others think it’s ok to have so many children they can’t afford to accommodate adequately. Please explain?

Why are you even still on this thread? Surely you’ve said your nasty mean spirited piece - we get it - you’re so much better than the OP and others in council housing.